Divorce

originally posted by: socketdude

You don't want your child growing up where his mom and dad are at "war".

It's too late for that, man. The first salvo has already been launched.

ETA: If the child is very young, it is even more imperative that the OP get sole custody as soon as possible. As the child begins to comprehend what is happening, it will be very easy for the mom to manipulate/"coach" the child into falsely representing details of the relationship.

It will happen.

a reply to: LoverBoy

I could see where your deployments would've been a factor to her. But you have a wife and child and you are not sure what your response should be right now.

The best advice I can give you is hang in there, unless you're 100% certain on the subject. Try not to make lifetime decisions in a rash manner.

Look at it this way if you stay married it could last another 40 or 50 years. So what's the big deal of waiting another six months or so to be sure?

a reply to: Benevolent Heretic

Thank you. The only thing she's thrown out there was that she said I didn't spend time with her. I work 2 24 hour shifts back to back and have one day off which usually consistd of doing home repairs snd yard work, as well as going out with her on these days. I don't like working this much, but she never made a big issue of it before, and we have to pay our bills. I was content in living in our apartment but she picked out the house she liked and we decided I would pick up the second job to help pay for it. This way she could still work her schedule out where we didn't come out paying crazy amounts for child care.

originally posted by: LoverBoy
If you don't mind me asking, how did it work out with you? Did you have a child with your first wife?

Two different answers. No kids with the first wife. We were REALLY young too. 20, 18. Could I have put that behind me? At the time, probably. I was just a means for her to get away from her family though. No commitment on her part.

Wifey #2- We had little in common to start with. She was Conway Twitty and I was Metallica. We managed 22 years though.... for the kids. It wasn't the right move. There was not screwing around or abuse, we just grew apart and stayed together for the kids. 5 years later she is my best friend again. Has been for a couple of years. Her music still sucks though.

a reply to: intrepid
Man you sound like me... My wife grew up in a toxic environment where she was physically abused by her dad while her mom condoned it. We got together young but I helped her get away from that environment.

a reply to: LoverBoy

First, see a lawyer.

Next, why the hell are you sleeping on the couch???
You deserve the bed, she can sleep on the couch.
Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Tell her to make plans for herself and get a place of her own. Maybe Dr. Feelgood will buy her a house.

a reply to: LoverBoy

My x cheated on me three times before we eventually got a divorce,
the first time, we worked it out and had about 4 years of happy marriage after, but it took a while to get the trust back,
and even then, I was never fully trusting.

My advice is to work it out, and not to give up, at least not the first time it happens.
You 2 have a child together, and although sometimes, staying together just for the children is a bad idea,
you should give it a try before divorcing.
If you understand what it does to a kid,
you should really try to stick it out and work on your relationship.

I understand it is painful, but if you can work it out with your wife, this may bring you two closer together.

Everyone screws up in some way majorly at least once.
But if it happens again,
then a divorce is certainly justified.
Even though it is justified now,
there is still a chance you can work it out,
people throw away marriages way to often, it is to easy to do,
and no one wants to work on their issues anymore.

If you both can agree to try to work things out, give it a shot, and be the better man.
If it becomes obvious to you that you cannot let go of the feelings of betrayal,
then reconsider because at that point, it will only harm your child to stay together more than if you two divorced.

IMO

a reply to: Greathouse
I understand, I just don't want to wait it out and in the meantime she is preparing everything and basically has an advantage. I probably shouldn't even be thinking this way, but right now I am thinking different then I was.

a reply to: LoverBoy

Whatever happens, never talk badly about her to your son. NEVER. It doesn't need to be a war. My first husband and I walked into the divorce lawyer's office holding hands. It IS possible to get a divorce and not become mortal enemies. My sister did it with a son. They remained friends throughout. Just ALWAYS put your son's welfare first. Always consider his perception.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Going to give my boy a bath and will check back in.

originally posted by: LoverBoy
a reply to: Greathouse
I understand, I just don't want to wait it out and in the meantime she is preparing everything and basically has an advantage. I probably shouldn't even be thinking this way, but right now I am thinking different then I was.

Does she think you are making moves? Does she think your family making moves? This is a HIGHLY emotional time for you guys. As I said earlier, slow down. Stephen King said, "Done bun can't be undone." Think about that.

a reply to: Benevolent Heretic

Good advice.
I went through the state mandated course for dealing with children in the middle of a divorce... twice. I am glad that I did it.
The children did nothing wrong. They deserve parents that love them and should not be used as a tool.
My first divorce was amicable and I still get along well with that ex.

originally posted by: LoverBoy
a reply to: Greathouse
I understand, I just don't want to wait it out and in the meantime she is preparing everything and basically has an advantage. I probably shouldn't even be thinking this way, but right now I am thinking different then I was.

To me that sounds like your ego talking. " Who is going to win" ? If you are approaching it from that angle your marriage is already over.

My primary concern would be for my son.

a reply to: LoverBoy

I agree with socketdude - do everything in your power to save the marriage.

I applaud your devotion to your child. He didn't ask for this and shouldn't be required to pay the price unless it the only option. Counseling, etc.

I'm so sorry for your pain and can sympathize with your sense of betrayal.

I don't have any words of wisdom but I can listen.

a reply to: LoverBoy

On a more personal note, now that you have my opinion and advice,
I know how much this stuff hurts,
and we are all here for you.

If you need to, send me a message,
I'm always checking in.

Hang in there man,
no matter what,
you will be ok.

a reply to: NthOther

Yeah never mind what it will do to your son.This is all about YOU.Get your revenge and the hell with the kid!
Seriously? I have known couples that upon realizing they could no longer get along, opted to stay together while living separate lives.With their kids,they acted the perfect couple.Without their kids,they went on and did what they wanted.But did it far enough away from home that no one really knew. Thing is,it takes both partners being adults.If even one falters it will cause major issues.

I agree with other posters.Go get counseling with her and see if it can be worked out.If not repaired,then if you both could live together and raise the kids,while doing your own thing. Otherwise,if it does end in divorce,make it as painless as you both can for the kids. Tell them each and every day that it was not their fault at all.Adults make mistakes and thats what happened,you had nothing to do with this.

a reply to: kosmicjack
Thank you for the kind words. Being able to seek advice, experience, and to vent has already made me feel a bit better. I think cheating was always a line in the sand with me and I know everyone has their lines.

a reply to: Darkblade71

Thank you again for your help and words. I may actually take you up on that advice if you dont mind. I only have one really close friend outside of work and family that I can vent this sorta stuff to.

a reply to: Dimithae

Who said anything about revenge?

Sometimes the best defense is a good offense. I just don't want the guy to get screwed any more than he already has been.

As for the kid... maybe she should've thought about the kid before she banged her coworker. Don't label the guy a bad parent for asserting his dignity.

a reply to: NthOther

Yeah but don't give him BAD advice before the dust has even settled.