The loss of a parent - 10 years on

Just a little background...

I lost my father at 12 years old. He was in his mid 50s and died of a heart attack in the kitchen. As a 12 year old boy I was at the age where I was old enough to be aware of what was happening... and it was a scary time. I was lucky enough to have such a strong family to help me though the process. But I want to look at the impact the loss of a parent... or perhaps anyone close.

For me, my father was our bread winner. He had a well paid, steady job. When he died we lost the majority of money coming in to the home. My mother had to pull herself together as much as she could, with 2 children left to raise and find employment in her 50s - that's not easy. She did it, and has been the greatest mother I could have ever asked for before and since.

When I look back at the last 10 years of my life it's interesting to see the ups and downs. I can go weeks without being upset about my father (but never a day without speaking to him when im alone) But 10 years on there's times where I worry about the rest of my life, and here's why. It's been 10 years, i'm 23 now, and if I am lucky enough to live a long and healthy life then i have to accept most of my life will be without my father. Up until now, only a little over half of my life has been without him.

It's a strange concept to worry about the above I guess. I just wonder (all being well) what the next 60+ years are going to be like. I'll have had my dad for such a little amount of time.... it's terrifying to think that perhaps 15% of my life was with my father and the rest without. I never worry that i will forget him - I was old enough to remember most of my time with him and for that i'm grateful (even if it makes it harder at times!) I just think it's going to be scary to look back - all being well - and my time with him being so long ago but still so fresh in my memory!

The ambulance arrived and there was a bit of commotion on the small cul-de-sac we live on when my dad died (as you'd imagine) and I remember the morning after my father passed away. Our neighbour (we're still very close and were back then) told us how she looked out of her bedroom window and saw the world carrying on and asked her husband "how can life just be going on after what happened?" and it really is a sad, bizarre experience to see the world continue whilst yours is shattered....

I'm interested (not in a sick way) to hear about anyone else's stories? How has loss affected you? Do you worry about the time you will have without the loved one?

Time is a scary thing. And sometimes it's the best healer you can have. But other times, it scares the living daylights out of me. I hate time, time sucks.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! Just thought i'd blurt everything out

I'm 28 years old and have not yet experienced losing either of my parents but came close when my mum, a Diabetic had a heart attack a few years back during the run up to Christmas. It was a shock to us all, she was taken into hospital at three in the morning and was kept in for just under twenty days, she had a triple heart bypass and was home a few days after that.

The fear of losing mum didn't hit me until the day of the operation because the whole time, all the days that she was in there, I felt mum was invincible that nothing could touch her but then she rang me on the day of her operation and said 'Just in case anything goes wrong, I love you and goodbye', at that point I broke down over the phone to her and said I wouldn't be able to cope if she died, she said 'There's fight in this old dog' and then we said another goodbye and she hung up.

At the time of this phone call (which took place on the day of the operation) I was home while the rest of the family were up the hospital because we had my sisters boyfriend here and he wasn't trusted so someone had to stay back, he stayed in his room and I was scared outta of my wits and kept ringing up but got told Dad, Brother and Sister, hadn't heard anything for close to six hours, then they came home and Dad said Mum was doing good, the doctors said everything went as planned and Mum would be awake in a few hours.

Thankfully Mum made it through and is still alive today, we got some good news from the Doctors, Mums heart has got very strong, not 100 percent but is much stronger than it was and all they're dealing with now is her shortness of breath.


While I cant feel the pain of losing a parent coming close to it scared me to death and I'm scared for the day it actually happens. The worst part, is I had planned to take my own life if Mum didn't make it through but I dont think I would have gone through it, because I know losing his wife and partner of nearly forty years and then a son would have taken my dad to the edge.

But again, Sorry for your lose and thanks for sharing. I thought I'd do the same and add my little story.

a reply to: MrConspiracy

Will post back tomorrow.

You are not alone in your confusion of how or what think when loss of someone so close touches you.

I haven't lost a parent or a sibling or close family (like direct everyday family) but I did loose my Tyson, he was my Rottweiler, I loved him like I would love my own child so the struggle to deal with it is still here.

Sorry but I have to go, will be back in about 12-16 hours if you need to chat.

Until then I hope other ATSers can give you their experiences and we can all share in the pain and maybe help each other move forward in some way or another.

a reply to: MrConspiracy

So sorry for your loss. I think it's perfectly natural to worry about such things even after so much time has passed.

I was 15 when my mother died, also from a heart attack and she was only 34. Me and my siblings were there when it happened and it's a last memory I wish I could forget.

When she passed it completely shattered my entire world. My siblings and I were sent to different foster homes and we were separated for many years. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her like crazy.

I wonder how differently my life would be today if she were still alive. I wonder but, I eventually stopped obsessing over the "what ifs" many years ago.

The hardest times are the major milestones in life. Graduating from high school was rough. Graduating from college was brutal because I know how proud she would have been.

Getting married was a tear jerker as was having my first born son. It was after having my first son that my perspective on my entire life changed. At first I was angry that she couldn't be there to share in my joy but, over time, I began to realize just how much she loved and sacrificed for us and I began to look at my past differently. I grew to love her even more despite the fact that so much time had passed since she died.

Time makes it more bearable but, it will never take the pain away entirely. I try very hard to keep her memory alive especially with my two boys. I try to tell them stories that will give them an idea of who their grandmother was (even though going down memory lane can be painful). I do it for them....to give them a chance to sort of know her.

A bit off topic but interesting none the less. About 6 years ago, I decided to track down my father who bailed on us when I was 5 years old. Not so much to reconnect but to basically say F U....look how great my life turned out without you in it. (immature I know) It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway, I discovered that he died 6 months after my mom....to the DAY! Weird!

Life goes on my friend....try not to be scared. At 23, you have a whole future ahead of you. Try to enjoy it as best you can as I'm sure that is what your father would have wanted. For you to be happy.

a reply to: MrConspiracy

'No one here gets out alive.'
-Jim Morrison

I've resigned myself to the fact that as we get older people we know are going to pass away.

I've lost 2 uncles, my father, grandparents on fathers side, grandfather on my moms side and more.

This is life. And it's the natural way of things.

However as long as you keep the loved one in your heart and in your mind. They aren't gone forever.

a reply to: MrConspiracy


So sorry...

I too lost my Dad when I was 14 yo--Parkinson's--and he was the one to bring in the money
Mom was a housewife, an honor back in those days, from the old school

The bad thing for her was she was 50 when Dad died and back then, no one would hire older people
She tried and tried but do to her age and by then, her declining health, no one would hire her

Long story short, she lost the house that they had built, pretty much lost everything and died [poor health due to alcoholism] when I was 24

I'm 48 now, married nearly 30 years and we are self-employed
The thing is, my husband saw what happened to my Mom, being totally dependent on my father & losing everything
So he has taught me to be 'self-sufficient', where if something were to happen to him, I could handle it on my own
Not that I like that thought, but I learned early on how life can throw a road block at you and nearly bring you down

But yeah, to this day, I still ask 'What if' things had been different
What if my dad never got sick and we stayed up north where we used to live
What if we never moved down south
What if Mom never drank
What if, what if, what if,........it will drive you crazy if you let it

Sounds like you have a great Mom, a strong woman to be able to pick up the pieces and carry on, especially with kids

Guess since Mom lasted longer than my Dad, I think of her more often, especially holidays!!
Kinda rough around them but we stay busy and don't dwell on it


The moral of this story, from my point of view, is nothing lasts forever
There is no guarantee in life
Don't take people/things for granted

And I always tell my husband I love him every single day, because one never knows what is lurking around the corner

I have lost every single blood relative. Most of them when I was younger including my mom to suicide. It sucks knowing I have to go through the rest of my life without a single blood relative. My heart aches as I type this.

I am sorry for everyone who has ever experienced loss.

I lost my mom 14 years ago after she has a 6 year "fight" with cancer. Afterwards, I wallowed in the comfort and drugs for several years. I was angry and bitter, and felt very strongly that like was pointless because it always ends. I healed gradually. Straightened myself out and started moving forward. Each year that passes gets easier, I don't get caught up in sadness very often anymore. I light a candle for her on her birth and death dates each year, and that's my moments that I set aside to remember her.

As far as worrying about the time I have without her, I don't think about that specifically. I have accepted that. I just get bummed out when I think about My daughter, who will never know her grandmother. I was always close to my grandparents, and that is the type of relationship that cannot be replicate. I feel sad for my daughter for not being able to have that experience.

Having lost my mother makes me appreciate more what little family I have left.

a reply to: Danny85

Thank you for your comment and sharing your story... be it a tough one. It's definitely different degrees of pain - each just as difficult as the rest. Your mother pulled through and she seems like a strong woman! Treasure her - as i'm sure you do!

All the best to you and your mum!

a reply to: InhaleExhale

Losing anyone be it human, or pet... I know how hard it can be. A little part of your life gets taken from you. It's not easy, whichever route we take.

Thanks for your reply

a reply to: MagesticEsoteric

Your story really touched me. It seems you've had it very tough... tougher than I could possibly imagine. To be taken away from your siblings after such an event.... My brother has been one of my biggest rocks. He's a little older than me and I know he'll forever protect me - To have been without him during my loss would have been heartbreaking.

My Dad had just got back from taking my brother to a college open evening. Had his heart attack been a few minutes earlier, I dread to think what would have happened.

You've set out a great life for yourself it seems, to have pulled out of what you went through is inspiring to say the least. I wish you continued happiness.

I'll try live my life... but life sometimes gets in the way

a reply to: grey580

A sad but very true statement. We live in a cruel world....

Thank you.

a reply to: snarky412

You've been down a tough road. A tougher one than I in many aspects. I'm so sorry for your losses - losing my father was one thing but to lose both - Unimaginable.

I do have a fantastic mother who stopped at no end to make sure mine and my brothers lives continued as normal as possible. As did my grandparents. They told me in the hospital after we'd been told he'd died that we'd never go without and they'd make sure of it. Until the day my grandfather died he kept that promise and my grandma continues to this day. We may have grown up - but it's the support, the rocks, that keep you standing.

You've made a wise choice being self employed and self sufficient! And it seems you've found happiness. And deservedly so.

I hope it continues. And thank you for sharing.

a reply to: calstorm

Wow... I am honestly sorry. I know it seems like it's just words - but I genuinely am sorry.

I hope you find happiness if you haven't already. If not, please do. You've go nothing to lose. And you deserve happiness after everything you've been through.

Thanks for sharing, and I'm sorry if it hurt to do so.

All the best my friend!

a reply to: MojaveBurning


Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry for your loss.

I've often said this and got "confused" looks. But I'm glad my father died the way he did. To see your loved one suffer must be the worst. The wondering, the not knowing. My father died suddenly. Yes, I was with him and i'll forever have that image in my head. He woke up momentarily and I was the last person he saw before he "went" - I was holding him like a silly 12 year old not knowing what to do. But it was all done so quickly. It hurt - but I'm glad he didn't suffer. And i'm sorry your mother did.

When i have children (please God) i too will be saddened by the prospect of them not knowing my father. He was a good man. I had/have a fantastic relationship with my grandparents and I too agree it is such a special relationship.

I wish you happiness and peace.

a reply to: MrConspiracy

I lost my Mom when I was eight months old in a house fire...so I don't remember her. But every one in the family tells me I almost lost my life as well.

My Dad did re-marry eventually and I am grateful for that. She could be a mean woman at times though. (Wicked Step-Mother and all that).

But after all is said and done...I'm OK.

a reply to: MrConspiracy

I lost my father 10 years ago, also (March 2nd, 2004). I was 21 at the time. I have had the exact same thoughts as you, how I had such a short amount of time with him, in comparison to the time that I will have to spend without him.

I know exactly how you feel, brother. Time definitely does not heal all wounds. The wound is always there, but you simply get used to it. And, sometimes it can easily be reopened.

originally posted by: calstorm
I have lost every single blood relative. Most of them when I was younger including my mom to suicide. It sucks knowing I have to go through the rest of my life without a single blood relative. My heart aches as I type this.

I am sorry for everyone who has ever experienced loss.

((((HUG)))) Me too. I was 26 when the last of my family died. I have a son and a granddaughter now. I don't know how old you are now, but if you start your own family and/or you create an intimate circle of amazing friends, you'll be OK.

Im really so sorry for your loss i can't imagine going through that especially at that age, Im 23 too, i haven't been through the loss of a parent but i recently went through the loss of my grandfather an was there through the whole thing his suffering & then his death i didnt make it until after just after i did all i could to get there but didn't so he was alone with just a nurse by his side but i get what your saying about how the world just carries on like normal its such a surreal feeling when that dawns on you it just doesn't seem right, you just lost this person who is so special too you and everyone else is just so normal and unaffected and living their life like they usually would thats a feeling i wont forget. It sounds like your father was a really good man and its not only a really sad heartbreaking thing for your family to lose him but sad for the world aswell because it needs good people like that. You will always have them memories and i believe they always remain around us especially after talking to a medium and her telling me my nonno (grandfather) is always with me, theres no way she could have known we are italian on that side and i call him nonno she also pointed out other things so i believe they are still with us.

a reply to: MrConspiracy

I've often said this and got "confused" looks. But I'm glad my father died the way he did. To see your loved one suffer must be the worst. The wondering, the not knowing.

I know exactly what you mean with this statement, only to well

I am so glad you didn't have to see your Dad suffer, thank goodness for the small things

It's hard to get that image of them suffering out of your head
It's horrible
And knowing there is nothing you can do about it, except wait it out

My best friend died when we were 19 from Leukemia, but she suffered in a different manner and basically, she was tired of it and just gave up
She stopped fighting the disease and slipped away in her sleep
Sweetest person I ever met in my whole life!!!

Going quick is the best way IMO
No suffering, just go in peace

People look at me funny when I say, " Well, we don't hesitate to put our pets down when suffering, so why do we make our loved ones suffer??"
Many can't or won't accept that way of thinking due to the fact it's a 'person'

But once you've been there, you see things from a whole new perspective



BTW, I am glad to hear you were with him when he went
And when you do have kids, he'll be there --- through you & your memories


Take care~
snarky