Crappy Week!

So, I don't normally bitch about my life or get too personal on these forums unless pushed or appropriate but I have had a lousy week. I try pretty hard to stay positive, I somewhat believe in the law of attraction, like the energy you put out is what you get back. The new year had started off so well, the old year ended well. Then bam! Substance abuse became an issue in my family again on more than one front. Money became an issue and I basically had to cover for family that spent theirs on addiction. I got sick... horrible stomach bug with a high fever. My homework backed up because I got sick (managed to finish it on time). My beautiful wonderful teenage son is angry and taking it out on me. I can't seem to shake this negative wave. One more thing and I feel like I will shatter. I guess I'm writing this out because I feel like I can't shake it any other way and what's the old saying... misery shared is misery divided, joy shared is joy multiplied? Yeah. Ugh!

reply to post by Kali74


Misery loves company. But I'm not your guy to share it with. I've had to much myself over the past year. But with that said, I still fight the good fight. I hope you do as well.

Maybe you got to comfortable with things going good and were not prepared for these setbacks. Learn from them and good luck!

reply to post by Kali74

I can't seem to shake this negative wave. One more thing and I feel like I will shatter.

Not advice, just a thought...Count blessings instead of problems? Or listen to some random Elvis records!

Random Elvis records are ALWAYS good for a quick pick-me-up lol!

However, I feel ya OP! It was a good, positive feeling start to my year as well, but the past week has been sheer STRESS! My year didn't end so well, except the last few days were good. I also believe that the more you "feed" positive or negative, the more it will grow. I try to feed the positive as much as humanly possible, but sometimes that's just not... well, possible. Finances are the core root of my stress right now and not seeing any immediate way out of it is just exhausting.

BUT, here's the kicker, the Universe always makes a way. Example: I have exactly $19.73 in my bank account and my husband needs gas money (his account is all but empty) to get to work and I have next to no gas at all myself. So, huge worry. Then out of nowhere and I mean no where, I get an email from someone inquiring about an item I've had for sale on craigslist for 2 months. Within the hour she was at my house picking it up and now my husband has $30 for gas and I can put $10 in my tank PLUS get milk, coffee and cereal. It doesn't solve the bigger picture, but it took care of the immediate need!

Just try to "feed" the positive a little and be strong in your knowledge that "out of no way and out of no how, a way is made" (Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith)!

Sending you positive vibes my friend!

Without hesitation I can say that 2013 was the hardest year I've ever endured. Ever. I've had many bad years, come from a bad childhood riven with abuse, neglect, poverty, etc. I refuse to let that be a chip. But despite the dark years I've lived through, 2013 presented challenges I feel I wasn't ready for, ones that almost ruined me.

Broke a man's heart in a way I never thought possible (I wasn't unfaithful or anything, just wasn't prepared to give him what he wanted - marriage, children within a year. Literally, he wanted these things by a certain date). He ended up cutting off all contact with me after sending me a very lengthy email detailing all the ways I hurt him and messed up in our relationship. I cried for days. I felt and still do feel immensely guilty. I loaned out $2000 to one sister and $500+ to another sister ... found out one of my sisters had been using again and spent virtually ALL of the $2000 I loaned to her on meth. That. Was. Heartbreaking. For so many reasons. Her relapse ripped my guts out ... losing my savings that I had worked SO hard to accrue ... well, that was shattering. Just debilitating. I've never have money, never will have money. That was the ONE time in my life I had a savings.

Other sister is still homeless living in shelters in another state. I've offered her a place to stay, a means to get here, possible work, etc. She refuses to move back home. I know she has her reasons. Car broke down on the interstate, had to invest in a new one - not something I was ready for financially. Lost a job. Had to take off last semester from school and sadly, this semester as well. It's a long series of unfortunate events but basically financial aid got absurdly messed up in really convoluted ways and I ended up owing my university $3,000 - of which I do not have but am slowly paying off. I am beyond broke but making it happen.

I've been estranged from my parents for years (another long story that I won't delve into in much detail but basically one parent was in prison for abuse, another "raised" us for a time only to return to the jail bird when he got out of prison and literally left us destitute as minors - that's the gist of it) ... only to rekindle something at the beginning of this year. After limited contact and some honesty on my part (finally confronting them after years and years of silent agony, sadness, confusion, feelings of abandonment, complexes, etc,.) and - they broke my heart all over again and severed any ties that could be possible between us (they are simply too ill, mentally, for me to have any sort of healthy relationship with them - and that fact was sadly but irreversibly displayed in my interactions with them). THAT was probably the final straw.

My anxiety started to consume me and for the first time in my life I was battling depression (depression has NEVER been my battle, ever. It was always anxiety). So, it was an extraordinarily difficult year, almost defeating ... if that were possible. I've always been rather resilient. This year tested me. This year almost broke me. 30 w/o a degree, no husband, no kids, no savings ... just felt like the biggest failure ever.

All I want in this world, and I mean all that I want - is to be in a place WHERE I CAN DO MORE GOOD. I am 2yrs into a nursing degree and I just want to finish so I can devote my time constructively and compassionately to those in need. That's it. Literally. This year seemed to violently rip that dream from me.

To punctuate the year - I ended up contracting Influenza A. First time in my life I've ever tested positive for it and the first time in my life I was issued a mandatory flu shot (never had the shot before). I missed out on Christmas, missed out on overtime/holiday pay from work (which I desperately needed) and ended up spending more money that I didn't have just to supply a doctor's note for my employer. A 104 degree fever isn't convincing apparently. It's the sickest I've ever been in my life. I quarantined myself and spent Christmas Eve and Christmas alone so I wouldn't spread the bug to anyone else. Didn't get a new years kiss (totally arbitrary and extraneous but it seemed to be in keeping with my horrible year). And there you have it.

HOWEVER,

Life goes on. I cling to hope like I never have before. I still have a job (my main job at the local ER which I LOVE - the job I lost was for supplemental income which DID hurt me financially but I can still pay the bills - barely). My sisters (both of them) are doing better. I have a 3yr old niece who is the love of my life and can lift my spirits despite all adversity. I just gained a new cleaning client (I clean on the side now). I am slowly paying off my debts. I'm on a diet and exercising. I'm getting organized and focused. I'm drinking less. I have health insurance and job security. I have a reliable vehicle (which I'm paying for, but it's worth it). My anxiety is abating (at glacial speed but I'll take it). I'm rekindling my faith. I am facing my mistakes and not running from them. I'm getting there, one step at a time. One day at a time.

I am sorry you are struggling so much. There are others. We here at the ATS family are always willing to lend a listening ear. I hope it gets better for you. Sometimes it takes nothing less than gritty resolve and rugged determinism to get through life these days. I hope you find your inspiration Feel free to PM me if you need to vent!

"Against all logic, against all experience - never give up hope"

I sure hope things start going better in your life Kali. I don't like to see you complaining like this, it seems so unnatural.

reply to post by Kali74


If you can't share with us...what's the point?

We're here when others may not be.

Peace

reply to post by Kali74


Stay strong and don't keep this bottled up.

Expressing your feelings to those who need to hear it will be good for you. They may think otherwise... But you need to rid yourself of this negative energy.

reply to post by Kali74


It's life, just take the motive of doing things for yourself as well.

You are never alone Honey. Big hug!!!!!!!

I'm going to tell this story that a friend told me years ago - she swore it was a true story. I always think of it when times get hard.

This family that lived out in the country had a young cat that had gotten very sick. They were the kind of people who never took animals to the vet. They decided to put the cat out of it's misery by dropping it in a bucket of water, and putting a cover over it. They put the cat in the bucket at bedtime, expecting to have a dead, drowned cat by morning.

When they lifted the cover the next morning, that sick, but determined little cat was still swimming and alive (barely). The family decided that this cat was maybe worth saving, so they fished it out, took it the vet, and ended up keeping the cat for many years.

Never give up. Keep swimming.

Thanks all, especially ones that shared their personal stories as well. I certainly didn't mean to come across as my life is the worst ever, it's just that I couldn't shake it off like I normally can and things that are going on do put me in a precarious position that I don't feel like sharing and if I can't manage to shake it off well, it will spiral out of control.

Hugs to everyone.

reply to post by Kali74


Sometimes it is hard to fight the tide. Swim with it as it comes in and just tread when it ebbs. As long as you keep your head above the water, you shall make it to the shore.

reply to post by Kali74


Sending you strength Kali. And this: my grandmother raised seven children all by herself in rural, dirt poor Tallahassee FL. There were times when she couldn't afford to take the kids to the doctor and instead, rocked them and prayed while holding them all night. There were times when they couldn't afford food and somehow she managed to always put something on the table, even if it was just the plate of biscuits that she got up at dawn to make. Of the seven children, four went on to graduate from college and pursue successful careers, and three became respected ministers who helped countless people. After this great lady died, they found this poem in her pocketbook, yellowed and well-worn from having been read so many times. (Some people might think it's trite and that I'm a sentimental wuss for posting it, but I'll risk that.)

=======================================
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

=============================================
Stay strong against that spiral. This battle may be the reason you're here.

Love,

Grace

reply to post by graceunderpressure


That's amazing, thanks for sharing that.
It really helps.

I printed that out and now it's on my fridge.

reply to post by Kali74


Take your time, find your center. Try to put things in perspective.

It can be over-whelming at times. I know.

Deep breaths, look at the big picture.

Then come back on ATS and fight an epic battle with me.

reply to post by Kali74


Hang in there, Kali. I know what it's like to feel like there is a constant negative flow coming at you. When I lived out on the Navajo rez, a string of bad luck always came under suspicion of witchcraft being the source and a blessing often would take place "just to be on the safe side". Was kind of a humorous interpretation of strings of bad luck that I thought I'd share. I just came out of a bad string of luck and had some definite good things happen. I like to view strings of bad luck being followed up with spurts of good luck. Keeps it balanced that way. Here's to hoping that some good luck comes your way and if it doesn't, try burning some sage.

Many people have this weird notion that unless you are a dirt poor individual living in a third-world country where you have to walk a few miles to get clean water, you have nothing in life to complain about. Well, to these people I say this: suffering is relative. Whose to say that my inner turmoil is trivial just because I have food to eat, water to drink and shelter? It's not. We are all dealt challenges in this life that test our resilience.

Us too, I spent a lot of time in the hospital this past 3 weeks and the wife did the same.

Then we get a very cold weather pattern and the water main breaks right in front of our home.

They plowed the streets the night before leaving about 5 foot high snow banks, the water hit those and just dissolved them and then they froze almost instantaneously.

My truck is parked at the end of the driveway and the guy running the front end loader asked me to move it so he can scoop up the frozen slush.

No problem I say, hop in and fire it up.....hit the windshield wipers and bam ....one pops right off and the plastic part is toast.

Dang Nabbit I was pissed, had to scrape the windshield and then move the truck, it was too late by then as our drive was an ice field to put it in simple terms.

We spent two days trying to clean up the ice to no avail, our outdoor security lights on our garage gave up the ghost during this cold snap as well.

The wifes printer died during this time, she runs a Yoga school and she needs the printer to do so.
She went out and bought a new one and you can guess what I am about to post here.
Piece of Poop it was and I mean poop!

Took it back tonight and bought another potential piece of poop but this one should work because we paid 100 bucks more for a better model.
As I type this she is right behind me trying to figure out how to get this piece of poop working.

We hate bad days and believe me you we have had our fill here.

Thanks for giving us a venue to rant in as well.

S&F
Regards, Iwinder

reply to post by Iwinder


Yikes... sorry for your run of crap.
I think a party is in order.