Anyone have any advice on how to say goodbye to someone you love? The relationship between my girlfriend and I is very good by all accounts but there are some very major differences between us that will not work out in the long run.

Political, religious, etc differences are a major source of stress and I've decided I need someone more aligned with my own thinking. Why difference can be good among friends, I really want someone who not only understands me but also agrees with me.

Additionally, she doesn't have her own life under control and I've found myself picking up the slack. Initially this was in hopes that she could pull herself together but has since become a crutch for her not to have to deal with her own problems. This has lead to all kinds of tension... Economic most directly.

At any rate I know it isn't going to work out - for now - and I feel I need to move to get my life back in a progressive direction and under my own control.

The biggest problem I have right now is letting go and saying goodbye... I don't want to be the one breaking up with her and I feel really bad for feeling the need to do so. I truely do love her but she needs to make some big changes in order for it to work out. How do I turn off emotion so I can do the logical thing that will lead me to a progressive and happy life?

One word...
impossible.
To be honest, i dont know if ill still have my gf in the next 24 hours which is really hurting me at the moment. I cant get in contact with her. Saying goodbye is the hardest part....

can you physically avoid her after a breakup? If not, it will be hell.
explain to her why you want to call it off. If you don't explain why, it will be a mess..there's nothing like leaving a girl in the dark as to your actions to bring about psychological trauma/drama....but you better do a decent job of not making this into an "It's all your fault" thing, since you are deciding to leave to look for someone to act more like you.


Most women are dependant, on some level. (You can't have a realtionship without a need for that person.) Those that are not often can't allow themselves to get close to anyone (speaking from experience).

One other thing I can tell you, if you don't stop everything as soon as possible, then you are just dragging her in further...as well as yourself. Most relationships wind up having people get closer and closer...even while one partner has doubts.

How 'bout telling her the truth? If she (can't / do not want) to understand, it's her problem.

I think it's always better than making up something.

Originally posted by tacitblue
I truely do love her but she needs to make some big changes in order for it to work out.

This sentence says to me that you are unsure of your actions.

You need firstly to work out if you really want to leave her. And then you need to discover why. If you truly love her and she feels the same, there can only be pain (for both of you) from breaking up with her.

If, however, you no longer feel for her as you once did and can see no future in the relationship, you need to be honest but not hurtfully blunt.

Maybe you just need to talk in order to work things out. I would suggest you talk firstly, with no threats or recriminations and see what comes of that.

My goodness, if all you think marriage is is two people doing what one of them wants to do, you're not ready.

The fact that you can get along with someone very different from you is much more to your credit than the whining I hear that, "she's not enough like me!"

When in the name of God will any woman EVER BE LIKE A MAN, if she's truly a woman?

I bet you're conservative and she's liberal, right? Or the other way around. Well, Honey, that's biology, not "the wrong socialization."

If she's an interesting person and you care about her and you can help her grow she's a better match for you than a Yes-woman who doesn't have a thought of her own in her own brain.

Give it some more thought.

I can see your future with a woman just like you--bored to death. After all, a marriage is for a long, long time. And sameness gets stale stale stale. That's the reason for adultery--boredom with going through the usual motions with somebody who doesn't have any spunk.

Go travel for a few years, and then you'll have a whole new view of what marriage is for.

If you're looking for a buddy, forget it. There's no way.

I'm a liberal Atheist, and half my girlfriends have been conservative catholics... Admittedly the relationships didnt last, but it wasnt the religion or politics that tore the relationships apart.

My point is differences make the relationship interesting, if you get someone like you, who likes what you like, and does what you do... you'll be dating yourself... and i'm sure you get enough of yourself everyday...

As for the carrying her life along... that can be a problem... but talk to her about it and see where it gets you.

Men and women like different stuff, things and activities.

You're not going to find a woman who likes what you like, by definition.

Ask any of your married friends. Ask your parents. It doesn't happen.

Men and women are DIFFERENT.

Even if they decide to do the same thing once in a while, it's for different reasons.

Honest, I'm not kidding you. : ) Em

*update*

Dont know if you care (didnt meant to make that sound blunt)

I didnt break up with my girlfriend...nearly 2 months *holds heart and dreams of her*

Well if you Want to Break up..... DO it. YOu don't need a reason aside from you want you , but you My freind seem to. Be honest , say your opnion and your wants and needs. As to "working through the trouble" WHy? if you are *here and she is *there? there's NO point, Be happy , move on and worry about yourself. Lord knows people can be needy, DOnt worry about that. a logical person will respect you eventually for letting them grow. Unfortunetly , there is no nice way to say it. YOu just want to move on thats it. If she wants to work on her issue's to make the "relationship" work out that is different. as for getting married with somebody Who you can't relate to as a person? that is lame? Constant arguint isn't healthy.........if you disagree ask your kid's Psychologist in twenty years ....they'lll set you right! if your Ready to move on...by all means "MOVE ON" dont' worry about the Feeling's of the other person! You never Want to feel like your stuck with a person in a relationship, and if you do YOu "shoudl" be able to tell them that! It wont be pretty but any right minded person should be able to respect you for that ! As apposed to being with them for eyars. even though It's technically for "you". so just end it. The more you love the girl. the more consideration you should put into waht you say. but by all means get it done. don't sit and think about it toolong. She might feel the same way

First off I'd like to thank everyone for thier opinions/advice.

This is certainly one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make and there is a lot more to this story - naturally. This is the first time in my life I've ever doubted a gut instinct. I have always trusted my instinct in the past and as a result I have stayed out of a lot of trouble. Logically I feel I should trust it now, but love is in the way. Problem (if you can call it that) is that I do see a future with her but the question is if it is a good idea... It is a complex problem with a seemingly easy answer.

I think (hope) the solution will show itself with time. Time yields clarity. I just wish I didn't feel like this around the holidays. This sucks.


[Edited on 25-11-2004 by tacitblue]