I haven't shared much of my poetry here. This is my newest piece. The brain versus god

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posted on May, 15 2013 @ 10:04 PM
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What is this God you believe in?
Where is he?
When has he ever spoken to you?
Why does he let us suffer so?
Does he not see what he has created?
Can you show me The Proof?
How could I believe in a God
who allows me to cry?


you ask where he resides
yet do not understand
the silence behind my gaze.

if i pointed upwards
you would laugh,
inwards and you would scoff.

you ask which direction to run.
does a tree ask where to grow?

you ask for a map
while insisting I lead the way.

you demand answers
though you seek no wisdom.

you say i am blind
and yet you do not listen.

that is okay.
we will not reply with words
that one can hear.

it is not the wind that makes noise
but that which it moves.

you demand that
i cut my heart out
for you
all because i say
i believe

but I tell you:
the shape of truth
can not fit in the mouth,
nor am i The One
to deliver the kiss.
edit on 15-5-2013 by eleven44 because: (no reason given)
edit on 15-5-2013 by eleven44 because: (no reason given)




posted on May, 15 2013 @ 10:37 PM
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reply to post by eleven44
 


you ask for a map
while insisting I lead the way.



This didn't rhyme with anyting, so I helped you out:

you ask for a map
while insisting I lead the way.

but you should just shut your mouth
and do as I say



Now, that's more like it..!





Great poem 11fortyfour..! You have a talent for saying very little, with very little.





posted on May, 15 2013 @ 11:07 PM
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In the beginning there simply was.
Unity.
No suffering, no stars.
No thing but one
splitting itself to make two.
Duality.
Suddenly day had night,
man had woman,
and joy had sadness.
One has no meaning without the other.
Otherwise it is one, none.
Then ham-handed poets
and pig-headed philosophers
would have no one to blame
for tear-filled nights or a murderous fight,
for all the darkness, the other side of light--
awkwardly trying to put life into order,
pulling the tail off the face of a quarter.


That's how you write a poem. Keep trying, you'll get there. There were some good parts of your poem, but you have to learn to streamline and do more with less.
edit on 15-5-2013 by coyotepoet because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 16 2013 @ 12:26 AM
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reply to post by coyotepoet
 


Well,
by your explanation,
your perfect example of poetry
would have no meaning without my flawed attempt.
So,
you're welcome.

The person above you said I did much with little,
you say I did too little with too much.
See the difference in perspectives?
See why it's flawed to say that "this" is how a poem is written and "that" is not?

There are many kinds of poems. And poets.
I appreciate your poem. It is good.

However, I can't say I appreciate the condescending attitude.
edit on 16-5-2013 by eleven44 because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 16 2013 @ 07:17 AM
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reply to post by eleven44
 


Sorry. Didn't mean to be condescending. I tried to choose my words carefully. Poetry, art in general, is a very subjective form. You can't really say its good or bad because it is all an honest expression of the artist. You can say it is more skillfully executed or less. That's all, just providing feedback, and I meant it, the more you write and the more you learn to whittle away words to their bare essentials the better writer you will be.

As for the topic, I think I addressed that in my poem. It's BS. Nothing personal though, it was BS when XTC wrote "Dear God" and that was hailed as a wonderful piece of art. You can't have joy with out pain, light without darkness. Half a ball does not roll.Buddha said life is sufffering, this is what he meant.



posted on May, 16 2013 @ 09:37 AM
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reply to post by coyotepoet
 


Again, I do always appreciate feedback.
But when you say "this is how you write a poem," you must understand that it may be read as arrogance.

Perhaps you mistook my title for meaning that I am a shy novice at poetry. This is not the case. When I say I have not shared much of my poetry, I meant here at ATS.
I was first published over 12 years ago.
I have self published a few chapbooks, I regularly perform spoken word in my community and earned my BFA in Creative and Dramatic Writing.
I experiment with many different styles and literally have written thousands of poems. Some as short as a single sentence, others a few pages long.
This is my most recent. It was inspired by Rumi.
I'm not saying all this to gloat, but simply point out that I am not a novice.

You are absolutely correct though. The heart of poetry is being able to say the most with the least. Granted, there's a lot of wiggle room (especially in spoken word.)

Also, what of the topic do you consider to be BS?
This is from my experience of discussing God with those who do not believe, do not want to believe, and yet still demand answers from those whom do believe, even though they will not listen.
I also acknowledge that words are not fully capable of capturing the Truth that is God.
I have poems that deal specifically with duality. This, however, is not one of them.
Duality is the best gift we have been given. It allows the Experience to be complete. Without it, we could not be.
I understand.
I do not believe I said anything in my poem that contradicts this. Do you?
edit on 16-5-2013 by eleven44 because: (no reason given)
edit on 16-5-2013 by eleven44 because: this and that



posted on May, 16 2013 @ 02:32 PM
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reply to post by eleven44
 





I do not believe I said anything in my poem that contradicts this. Do you?


No. As with anything, context is king. Describing where the poem came from makes it make more sense and my smart-alecness workshopping on a page does not convey itself. And apologies, apparently you do know from whence you speak. Plus, any one who does Rumi is all right by me and also makes more sense of what I took to be a clunky beginning, again, context . Sorry if I came across as a d**k.

As for the BS part, mostly the whole "why does God allow suffering and pain and evil" crying in my beer kind of thing, but again, context helps me interpret your poem differently but the attitude/belief is the bs part.
edit on 16-5-2013 by coyotepoet because: (no reason given)



posted on May, 17 2013 @ 08:54 AM
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reply to post by coyotepoet
 


Fair enough.

I greatly appreciate and respect your ability to have a conversation with me and to hear my side as well. (Sadly, that seems to be a trait that is slowly [actually - quickly] disappearing here on ATS [and the world.])

I also do agree the beginning is clunky.
A little too much. I'll be working on thinning it out.

Don't worry (though I doubt you were
) I'm not upset or offended by anything you have said.
Again, I appreciate you taking the time to converse with me
and to fill me in on your point of view.

If I have come off as a d**k at all through this, my apologies as well.

Oh, and I did genuinely like your poem.

Cheers!



posted on May, 21 2013 @ 11:40 PM
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reply to post by eleven44
 


Excellent, Cheers. Please post the revised version when it is done. I'd love to see how it changes.





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