Onequestions struggle with the heart, </3...

Ok, so here is a very open and honest approach to what i think about the heart as an energy center in a manner of speaking. Lets not get this confused with chakras either because i dont want to open this discussion up talking about chakras, i would like to have my OP take a more neutral approach.

I had a very troublesome childhood, kidnapped, things happened there, bad stepmother and the story goes on... but thats not what this is really about. That type of information i have been working very hard to get through on a personal level and been making very, very slow progress after a very very long and hard struggle in life. In fact some of you who have read through a few of my threads may know. Such asMy thread about being a violent felon....

Now, here is where it gets interesting. I few years ago i was told by a psychic, and i know i know ok lets not go there, that my heart center was closed off and out of balance. I took that to heart, no pun intended. So for years ive been trying to figure out how to get it balanced and until recently, very recently made little to no progress.

Let me tell you what ive tried, ive tried meditation, heart chakra meditation, a few special compounds which i cant talk about, sweat lodges, falling in love(impossible). Thats just a list off the top of my head.

Let me tell you whats worked, moving back home with my family who i spent over 10 years away from with little to no contact with. Its been a religious struggle to try and get a relationship going with my father. He is as hard headed as i am. But heres where the issue gets really tough. I have to actually open myself up and accept the love into myself first before i can make a serious attempt at loving. This isnt easy. I mean i to look at my father and be ok with loving him and feeling that energy of love. In fact that feeling of love is so foreign that, it feels, it feels almost wrong or bad. I dont know how to explain it properly but its the truth. Its almost as if ive been away from it for so long that i dont want it there anymore. This goes deeper then this to. This has affected my entire life, my ability to succeed, be happy, it has even fundamentally changed my personality for the worse.

Now i have made a few small, very small strides and i have let a few volts of this energy course through me and my personality as i face the demon that has been taking its place and is trying to convince me it isnt real and it isnt who i am. Ive noticed a few things. When im allowing this energy through me i am funnier, happier, more open and people actually want to be in my presence more. Its intensely satisfying and has changed my entire perspective on a few things.

I wanted to share that with you and hopefully reveal more information through response to others questions.

Thanks

reply to post by onequestion


Interesting post.

May I ask, or do you recall, if you purposely closed off your heart? With all you went through I can see how you would, whether conscious of it or not.

I say that because I too went through a difficult time as a child and adult. As an older adult, I consciously closed myself off to avoid emotional pain of verbal abuse. It worked but I never thought I was totally closed, just never had it tested.

Then I went to a new age (not really, but?) workshop and had a massage. The next day I had emotions I had not had in years. I was evidently cleared, without my permission I might add, and have not been able to get control back. I use the word 'emotion's but it relates to heart being open.

Perhaps you expect too much at once when slow and steady would give you a better chance at balance.

reply to post by liveandlearn


I turned it off as a defense mechanism and becalmed hardened. Only through my search or god and myself did I even come close to understanding that.

Opening and balancing your heart cannot be done physically. All those methods you have listed are great ways of stimulation but not opening. It seems like you have very much want to open your heart, as well as bask in the fulfilling feeling of love. My approach to you, is to drop everything and anything that has to do with techniques of opening it. Just Live!

The mental concentration of your self and every aspect of you. Is a very common difficulty that many people face. To succeed, be happy, and live life full of love. Is as easy as dropping your thoughts. Living in love brings spontaneousness and peace . Thinking of the past, dangers, future, and questioning only blocks your heart. Without question, without worry, without time, there lays love that creates life and change.

Despite all the difficulty that life may bring and how difficult is it to attain what I have said. The heart and Love is like water. No matter how many walls you have placed to block water. It'll find always find a way to seep, slowly but surely. "The very soft will always beat the very hard", if re-entering your heart takes difficulty, that word of advice is your hope. If it isn't now you will feel it again, it doesn't mean it will never come.

"And it makes no difference to whom you are loving – to a dog, to a cat, to a tree, to a rock. Just sit by the side of the rock and be loving. Have a little chit-chat. Kiss the rock… Lie down on the rock. Feel one with the rock, and suddenly you will see a shudder of energy, an upsurge of energy – and you are tremendously joyful. The rock may not have returned anything, or may have – but that is not the point. You became joyful because you loved. One who loves is joyful." - Osho


much love to you and to all

I would have to agree with sparky there.

Sounds to me like you are overthinking things and making problems where there do not need to be any. Bad things happen, deal with it, accept it, and forget about it.

Moving on is a very neat ability to have.

"But these things are always there, I can't get em out of my head, they still come at me"!

BS...you run your mind, not the other way around. Take control and live your own life the way you want to.

Awesome experience onequestion. You have been very courageous and very true to yourself.

May life be yours.

reply to post by Angle


Thanks Angle, i want to share my story because its been very trying and diverse, and i think a lot of others are going through things ive been through.

reply to post by onequestion


it would be a very good idea to root yourself

work through all the things you are afraid of(not easy), do it one at a time, dont overwhelm yourself.
learn how to be comfortable in the face of all adversity(not easy, takes time)

But then, you will not see this foreign substance called 'love' as intrusive, just like you have learned to be still within your fears, you will learn to be still within the fear of receiving love and losing it as quickly as it came.

also, do not be ashamed for the things that have happened, but all those things have just been a road that has led to where you stand now, and where you stand now is a very powerful place, you stand at the cusp of full creative potential, the now. Choose.

And through this you will allow yourself to have pleasure in love, kind love, once again.

You're getting a priceless opportunity here, and I hope you take full advantage of it. I took a quick look at your other thread there, and you're on a better trajectory in this thread than you were in that other one. F*ck the gun. Seriously. I've been stuffed right down Satan's throat, and climbed right back out again, over and over again, without ever needing a gun. No one really needs one in this US society. A smile and a raised eyebrow can clear a lot more danger than any gun can, and I've proven that to myself and other more times than I can accurately recall. Let the gun thing go, and be happy with being free to bitch about the injustice of it all.

As far as the emotional hardenedness issue, let it be. Not everyone is built for emotionalism or vulnerability. If you were, nothing in your life could have ever shut that down on you. Treating others fairly is plenty enough to be proud of. Mushiness is just how some people express their connection to others. Yours can be expressed by just being honest and decent, and in the end, you'll be just as high quality a human as anyone else. Anyone that's got a problem with that is being a dick, and isn't worth worrying about. Family - especially - will always try to get an upper hand on you by making you feel like you're somehow less than you are, and they're always optional in a person's life.

Just find your people in life, and take care of them. That's all you need to do to discover the good guy inside of you. Give yourself a break here. The fact that you're mulling all of this over is a really good sign. Like I said, this is a great opportunity for you, and I hope you seize it.

reply to post by NorEaster


Thanks for the well thought out response Noreaster. I can see what your saying.

Not everyone is built for emotionalism or vulnerability. If you were, nothing in your life could have ever shut that down on you.

I get that, kind of like in a path predetermined sort of destiny way. How, if its meant to be, it will be.

Treating others fairly is plenty enough to be proud of.

True, most people lack empathy on any level, or only for those they deem worthy.

Just find your people in life, and take care of them. That's all you need to do to discover the good guy inside of you. Give yourself a break here. The fact that you're mulling all of this over is a really good sign. Like I said, this is a great opportunity for you, and I hope you seize it.

I agree, family is whos there for you not who your related to.

Originally posted by onequestion
reply to post by NorEaster

 

Thanks for the well thought out response Noreaster. I can see what your saying.

Not everyone is built for emotionalism or vulnerability. If you were, nothing in your life could have ever shut that down on you.

I get that, kind of like in a path predetermined sort of destiny way. How, if its meant to be, it will be.

More like DNA predilections, but you get the idea.

Good luck with your training in how to be a quality human being. Never forget that the elite schools are the toughest. Win over them and you'll be invincible when you finally graduate this material realm.