What is this anxiety?

A little background on myself: (AKA My life story)

I grew up in a small town (Population less than 5,000). I have never had an issue with controlling anger, never been in a fight, never picked on, etc. I had a fairly typical childhood filled with some mischief and generally good times with friends. I have always had an issue with anxiety though.

It started off small, not wanting to go into gas stations to pay for my parents' gas. I think at this point everyone just assumed I was a shy person.Later on, phone calls began to be an issue. Every time I would hear the phone ring, I would ignore it. If another family member answered, I would make sure that they lied and said I was not home. As time progressed more and more activities were cut from my life, to the point where my friends would actually come over against my wishes because they knew it was the only way to get me out of my house.

Post-highschool was an interesting point in my life. I was being forced out into the world with seemingly horrible people skills. The driving force behind it was me, however. My parents wanted me to stay, and I was the first of my friends to leave the town. I shipped off to boot camp shortly after graduating.

I won't go into great detail on my time in the USMC. To sum it up, I felt it was a toxic environment and was greatly disappointed when it destroyed my high view of military members. I made great friends and experienced wonderful things, but overall I feel that it was taxing on me mentally.

Fast forward to present day. I am in my twenties and have been out of the USMC for a good while. I have been married for a few years now, but my anxiety issues seem to be growing and growing. My fear of phone calls can best be described as telephonophobia. I have cut ties with most friends, only seeing a couple maybe once a year.

My real issue is public places. Not only do I constantly avoid crowds, I have an issue with every single person I see. If I go out in public, I do so expecting to be attacked (or having to attack) at some point in time. Every person I pass I analyze their body type / actions and try to work out how to incapacitate said person if needed. While it usually doesn't happen with females or the elderly, it can if I sense the slightest bit of hostility. If you are a male aged 20-55, you can be fairly certain that I have prepared for a conflict in some way.

I am not a angry person, and I do not pick fights. I do not drink alcohol, because I have found it to send me into a rage on more than one occasion. (Also because I hate hangovers)

The only relief I have found to my problems, is something I cannot discuss on this website. California has made this resource available to me through a doctors prescription, but I still think it is against the ToS. While it is indeed quite helpful there is, as you may know, a very negative stereotype that accompanies it's use. Due to my current career endevours (firefighting) I need to find an alternate way to function normally in public places.

I discussed my symptoms with a social worker, only to be recommended to an anger management program 100 miles away. I was told it is most likely not PTSD, and to keep with my current 'medication' as long as it helps. Because of school and work, I am unable to devote time to commuting to anger management.

So, my ultimate intent for this thread is to have everyone to discuss their anxieties (whether similar or not) and, perhaps, for us all to share how we cope with it in our everyday lives.

I've always had an increase in anxiety after consuming coffee...thought processes are skewed, self-diagnosed myself with an overactive brain...

This thread appears to have caused the OP a little anxiety.

Originally posted by rickymouse
This thread appears to have caused the OP a little anxiety.

You don't know how true that is. Ol' sweaty palms behind the screen here!

Edit to add: I feel like a dummy for having a blank thread for the first 30 minutes of its life. Hopefully we can get a discussion going tomorrow sometime. If not, at least I tried...

You have crippling anxiety to the point where other people can sense it, and that is why you feel threatened. Its a vicious circle and it might stay with you for life. I too have these feelings and deal with it by drinking alcohol.
You could get pills from the doctor if you are having full blown panic attacks but there isn't a real cure for general anxiety it can consume your personality

Why not spend a day in a park or something, less people and more open space with greenery. I think you have social anxiety, but just a guess.

Originally posted by Parksie
You have crippling anxiety to the point where other people can sense it, and that is why you feel threatened. Its a vicious circle and it might stay with you for life. I too have these feelings and deal with it by drinking alcohol.
You could get pills from the doctor if you are having full blown panic attacks but there isn't a real cure for general anxiety it can consume your personality

Interesting. I have never felt that I come off as anxious, although that may be true. I think threatened is the wrong word for how I feel. Take this with a huge grain of salt, but it is almost like I want to fight all of these people. I feel like it would bring about a sense of relief that I no longer have to deal with the constant analysis of everyone around me.
Instead of worrying that some of the trees around you are going to fall, just burn down the forest. If that makes sense.

Why not spend a day in a park or something, less people and more open space with greenery. I think you have social anxiety, but just a guess.

That is just about all I do. My hobbies include downhill longboarding and hiking/camping. My career choice is wildland firefighting. I really have no issues when it is just me or me and a small group. Areas like stores, cities, and crowded areas in general are when I notice the majority of my problems. I have read about social anxiety, and feel it is a fairly good description.

I think (speaking from my own experience) you have an excess build-up of things you've wanted to say, do, feel, etc, but have stopped yourself because of the anxiety. I think anxiety is normal up to a point, but the regrets are what affecting you now. I know you don't have a problem with alcohol, but you could sincerely benefit from the 12-step program, mainly no. 5 (i think it is), which is taking a moral inventory of yourself; what you think of yourself, your desires and your resentments, etc etc. I know this is a ToS thing, but get yourself some dxm in the form of robitussin lingering cold (no other active ingredients in it) I tried it for the first time about a year ago and ended up having many heart-to-heart conversations with the people that mattered most to me. The sense of knowing synergism with the act of doing in such a beautiful harmony. I ended up taking some more off and on for a couple weeks and have stayed away since then, but what hasn't stayed away is the cure that it brought for my anxiety, and I think the main reason for that isn't because of some sort of chemical imbalance but because I finally had the courage to say everything I wanted to say to people and realize how normal I really was, that the only thing holding me back was myself and an endless train of thought. I also realized my anxiety was mostly due to sheer boredom, when you're inactive for too long the mind's natural reaction turns to those negative self-defeating thoughts. Anyways I hope this helps, if this post gets removed I got it copied and ready to PM you with aha, best of luck man and things do get better once you hit that turning point, it just takes longer for some than others.

Your anxiety is so strong that it sounds like it's causing your pancreas to dump a bunch of adrenaline into your system.

When you feel this anxious, no matter the setting, do you also feel that your senses are becoming heightened at the same time? Do you feel exhausted after a particularly anxious situation or moment?

The reason I think this might be caused by adrenaline is your tendency to prepare for fighting certain people. When adrenaline coarses through our veins, one thing we all do is begin assessing our surroundings for a threat. There are several other things that follow, and they all compromise your perception.

It isn't people that bother me. It is people that parrot things without actually going through the process of analyzing the information and checking out the applicability of it to situations.

Dealing with people who keep bragging about what they know on a daily basis is very taxing to me, especially when my knowledge about the subject is often better than theirs. I avoid these kind of people, the busy bodies of society with egos the size of a house.

I see you hate analyzing people OP. It is impossible to not do this for us though. Sometimes you just want to scream the answer at them but know they will not see it anyway, their knowledge and beliefs have led them astray. Before screaming at them it is also necessary to make sure your perception is not flawed. Investigate the possibility of a different way that they are skinning the cat. It may be inefficient but may still accomplish the same thing, if they are experienced it may also have more long range effects than a straight out fix. I have a lot of knowledge of many subjects and have worked in many types of work. I know that there is always someone better than you. I also know that the one that insists he knows what he is doing is rarely the one to learn from. Knowledge is always evolving, nobody knows everything. I like to analyze the common person's knowledge to learn what the experience of decades and the creativity of the unconditioned young can bring forth to the world.

reply to post by doesntmakesense


Wow, I'm glad you shared your own experience. I'm also somewhat shocked that your post didn't get removed. I'll keep your recommendation in mind. How long would you say you have been anxiety free? I'm sure it would be healthy to get out and be completely honest with everyone, but I really don't see anyone anymore. The best I would be able to do is honesty with my wife, but I have always tried to keep things honest between us. Even my little white lies I eventually expose and deal with the consequences. I'll try and meditate on it later to see if I can spot some areas that need improvement/discussion. Thanks for posting!

Your anxiety is so strong that it sounds like it's causing your pancreas to dump a bunch of adrenaline into your system. When you feel this anxious, no matter the setting, do you also feel that your senses are becoming heightened at the same time? Do you feel exhausted after a particularly anxious situation or moment? The reason I think this might be caused by adrenaline is your tendency to prepare for fighting certain people. When adrenaline coarses through our veins, one thing we all do is begin assessing our surroundings for a threat. There are several other things that follow, and they all compromise your perception.

Chasingbrahman, I think you have nailed exactly what I was trying to describe. To me it is as if I spend at least a minute on every person I see, just analyzing, thinking of counter attacks, finding make-shift weaponry in the nearby area. It sounds crazy but I feel like I put good thought into these encounters, when in reality I walked by in less than five seconds.
I have a good deal of experience with adrenaline from various hobbies of mine, and I must say I do get a very similar experience in public. It isn't the wonderful adrenaline rush I get when rock climbing, but rather a constant and distracting presence. I get that 'pumped' feeling often, ready to fight, without any sort of confrontation being involved.
Often times if I do become enraged, I seem to completely lose my ability to think. I feel like so much is coursing through my thoughts, that I can't concentrate on a single thing. If I get into an argument is fairly common that my words jumble together or do not make sense at all. I have lost many arguments with my wife, simply because I cannot speak properly when angered.
Do you have experience with this type of anxiety, or did you just recognize the signs associated with the release of adrenaline?

Investigate the possibility of a different way that they are skinning the cat.

Rickymouse, I felt this was the most relevant sentence in your post in regards to my own situation. Your post spoke a lot of analyzing others actions, almost in a business sense. When I say I analyze others it is details like body type, clothing, vulnerable areas, expected behavior, etc.
Your advice is appreciated, and I know that it can be useful in more intimate situations. I do find myself judging others, but really do avoid it as much as possible. I can think of a few people that I still judge unfairly out of my wife's group of friends. I appreciate the reminder to stay balanced when judging others.
Does your job require you to analyze others' actions? Just from the way you described everything, it almost seems like you are a supervisor or manager wherever you do work.

Thanks again everyone for bringing your opinions/experiences to this thread.