Looking for Folks Who've Adopted

Hello All,

For the past few years, my husband and I have tried different fertility treatments, all to no avail. These are expensive and we can no longer afford to continue them. So, it looks like no more babies for me (i have a son).

So our next step is to consider adoption, hence this post. I'm interested in talking with people who've adopted children. I have some legal and personal questions to ask, and I'm hoping you may have advice that I can use.

If we adopt, we want to adopt an infant, and even though it costs more to adopt a child from the US, we will do so. Nothing wrong with adopting from other countries, but I feel better adopting one from my own country. There's a need here for parents.

I'm afraid of the legal brouhaha that you see on those television docudramas. If we adopt, can the birth parents sue for custody? That would be a nightmare beyond belief and one I do NOT want to face.

How do you determine if a child has any special needs (for example, the mother was a drug addict, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc)? I don't mean to sound callous, all children are precious, but we cannot afford to adopt a child with severe problems. Is there a way to vet the mother's pregnancy habits? Or is it just luck of the draw?

And this next question is going to make me sound like a horrible person, but if I don't consider it, then I'm not being honest with myself. In my pregnancy, I bonded so much with my son. That bond is amazing, and one of the reasons I wanted to become pregnant again. I loved every minute of my pregnancy (except for the heartburn and the last couple of weeks).

Is it easy to bond with a newborn? I know I can love the baby, that's not a problem. But can I form that same bond I have with my son? The LAST thing we want to do is bring a child into our family and have him or her sense a difference. How do you deal with this? Does it naturally happen?

I appreciate any and all advice. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart.

smylee

I've never adopted but I was adopted when I was 2.

I don't remember a lot of it and consider them my parents irregardless of anything. They've always been honest with me and even gave me the address of my birth mother.

I have never had a desire to look her up.

Not sure if this helps but its from a kids perspective. Doesn't matter they didn't make me, they are my parents and I love them.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Great to hear you're considering adoption. There's many who discount it straight out of hand. My wife and I have adopted, despite having our own children. It was a choice that we were able to make and I can honestly say that so far, it's the best decision we ever made.
I can only comment on the process in the UK, but it is quite tightly controlled and just going through that process can put many people off.
Firstly, before we could be considered as adoptive parents we had to undergo some training so that we understood the implications of taking on a child/children that may be 'broken' in some way.

From then it was a long process of assessing our suitability. This involved many visits from a Social Worker who would look at how we parent our own children and quiz us various aspects of our home life, our beliefs and how we would integrate another child into our family. I personally found this quite difficult, but very revealing as it required a great deal of introspection.
Obviously, adoption is a major life decision, so you have to be prepared to ask yourself whether you are able to take on a child with one or more conditions or backgrounds. We were able to say yes or no to a long list, which may seem a cold way of dealing with the issue, but its much better to be open and honest about it; this child will be with you for life. Obviously, the more you filter, the longer it will potentially take to place a child. Also interesting to note that if you already have children, they wouldn't place a child that is older than your youngest as this would not be the natural family progression.

Here in the UK, the focus is always on the welfare of the child, so it's the parents who matched as suitable for the child, not the other way around.

It's an enormous journey, but hugely rewarding. I wish you luck in yours.

reply to post by Hopechest


Thanks, Hopechest.

I'm glad you had such a wonderful experience. Your words help, because I would want the child to feel completely "home" with us as well.

Do you remember anything before you were adopted? Two is really young, I know.

Thanks for the different perspective.

Originally posted by smyleegrl
reply to post by Hopechest

 

Thanks, Hopechest.

I'm glad you had such a wonderful experience. Your words help, because I would want the child to feel completely "home" with us as well.

Do you remember anything before you were adopted? Two is really young, I know.

Thanks for the different perspective.

I don't, sorry.

A vision of a crib with a pink toy is it and I'm not even sure if that's real.

Your child will love you if you love them also, just remember that.

I'm so thankful I was adopted by my parents.

reply to post by smyleegrl


My fiance and myself are in a similar position with the attempted and failed fertility treatments, which have left us broke and led us to seeking adoption. One thing that I learned very quickly is that adoption inside the US is no longer able to be a closed adoption. Meaning that the parents of the child later on down the road can abruptly sue for custody or limited visitation rights to the child. The bad thing is that it doesn't stop there, the birth grandparents can do the same thing if they so choose. If you are going to seriously consider adoption look outside the US. This in my understanding is the only way you can have a closed adoption anymore.

I would also consult a good family practice lawyer. That is how I learned about the fact that closed adoptions are essentially non existent any longer, which is the only way I would adopt. The last thing I want is for a child to have it's life potentially torn apart multiple times because it's birth parents couldn't sort out their own situation from the beginning.

Good luck to you, and I hope that you find the answers that you are looking for.

ETA: One more thing, prepare to have your life put under a microscope. They want to know every detail of your home life, income, spending, eating habits, health habits, social activities, you name it. It is a tedious task, but if you know what you are getting into ahead of time you will be better prepared to handle the probing questions.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Why is it, when someone considers adoption, it's always a newborn? I wanna speak in defense of adopting an eight year old. I was nine and my sister was ten when we got adopted. Speaking from that perspective, I can tell you, it's a wonderful thing. I can't speak for the temperament of every child (I was a problem child myself) but I can tell you that the best thing you can do is treat them like your own. It's not about you adopting them, it's about them accepting you.

If you do adopt, good luck...and good job.

Wouldn't it be hard to show equal love for both, if you have one your own and one adopted?
i mean, if you knew, you would genetically will love someone from you.. over someone elses... heck i even notice that between real siblings/parents!

Just a question.

Originally posted by AfterInfinity
reply to post by smyleegrl

 

Why is it, when someone considers adoption, it's always a newborn? I wanna speak in defense of adopting an eight year old. I was nine and my sister was ten when we got adopted. Speaking from that perspective, I can tell you, it's a wonderful thing. I can't speak for the temperament of every child (I was a problem child myself) but I can tell you that the best thing you can do is treat them like your own. It's not about you adopting them, it's about them accepting you.

If you do adopt, good luck...and good job.

edit on 6-3-2013 by AfterInfinity because: (no reason given)

We wouldn't have a problem adopting a toddler or even a younger child....but my heart wants a baby.

reply to post by smyleegrl


Is there really a significant cost to adopt in the US? I find that incredible! The real cost that we've incurred we're for a doctors medical report to show that we as parents are in good health. Otherwise, the process has been funded by the local government. Unfortunately, in the UK the number of children needing families vastly outweighs the number of prospective adopters. This means that there are many children in long term care or with foster parents.

It's a tragedy for these kids. The less barriers there are to them finding a home, the better.

And as far as having information on the condition of the child, the Social Worker team should have all the info by the time that you are matched. You should not be in the position of being matched with a child that you do not have a medical history of or a doctors examination.

Be brave and go forward with your heart and both eyes open. You'll be surprised how much support you'll receive from people around you. I've personally had nothing but positive feedback from everyone I've told.

I love my little one to bits and there was never any question of the rest of my children accepting another one into the family as they've all been part of the process from the start.

reply to post by smyleegrl


By the way, you wouldn't believe the number of people who actually believed we bought a child on Ebay. (We didn't, if that helps)

Friends of mine spent nearly 35K on fertility options to no avail. They choose to adopt through the foster system. Theirs were two young siblings who had seen and heard and done way to much for their tender ages of 3 and 5. They waited through the courts processing of the birth mother relinquishing her rights and inability to regain control of her life, and so without parental rights they were able to adopt these two children with out recourse from mother, father, or grans. The first six months the kids were scared everytime the social worker came to visit, fearing being taken away, they got moved 4 times in as many months. The thing with my friends, they knew they wanted to adopt and whatever their placed was, that's what they knew they were meant to have. So they assured them they were going to stay there no matter what. And boy there were a few times they wondered what they'd done getting them. But they stuck it out, and slowly but surely those kids are now legally and emotionally attached to their forever home! Now they had to do the evals, classes for fostering classes for adopting, but these kids have some advantages, the foster system will continue to support their higher education past HS. Friends of theirs signed up for newborn only foster, and got the notice within 24 hrs of completing their training, and final adoption was within 12 months. So at least go talk to the foster system and see if thats a viable option for you and your family.

I didn't adopt, but a good friend of mine did get pregnant early. She was engaged at the time, and all seemed well, but he then cheated on her, and left her (while pregnant).

She gave the baby up for adoption, as she knew she was too young to raise it properly.

To answer your questions, a lot of that is on the agency you use. If you use a program like this, you can expect to pay the mother's medical expenses, and agency fees, etc., but likely the least chance of any kind of custody issue ever.

Needless to say, her baby was adopted by a Microsoft Exec, and is living a pretty sweet life, will probably speak 3 languages by the time he's 10, and has visited numerous countries around the world already.

Why is it, when someone considers adoption, it's always a newborn?

I imagine it's much easier to form a more solid bond with a child if you have them before they can talk and before they've learned anything about the world. They are, in essence, a clean slate...no baggage.

Originally posted by SpaDe_

I would also consult a good family practice lawyer. That is how I learned about the fact that closed adoptions are essentially non existent any longer, which is the only way I would adopt. The last thing I want is for a child to have it's life potentially torn apart multiple times because it's birth parents couldn't sort out their own situation from the beginning.

ETA: One more thing, prepare to have your life put under a microscope. They want to know every detail of your home life, income, spending, eating habits, health habits, social activities, you name it. It is a tedious task, but if you know what you are getting into ahead of time you will be better prepared to handle the probing questions.

This here is the best advice to be seen. It is a very lengthy, very difficult process to adopt. While I can't speak for US laws, I can tell you the questioning and the invasion into your life is very stressful. In Australia, it is the same, the biological parents and even grandparents have rights to the child if they so please. The one saving grace here is if the child is old enough, then they can choose for themselves if they want contact with their parents/grandparents, but more often than not it winds up something dragged through family law court. Luckily, (here at least) the judges are very predisposed to the needs of the children and take everything into account before making a decision.

Be prepared to have every facet of your life examined closely, what you do, what you earn, your past, your partners, your family and anyone closely related to you, even your friends and all their affairs, goes under scrutiny. And it's not a quick thing either. Eight months to a year at least. And if you experience a breakup or trying to move (as I did), expect them back on your door to re-evaluate everything about your life over again.

The last thing is the cost. Not sure about the US, but it is very expensive to adopt here. When I said I was almost financially and emotionally bankrupt, it was no joke.

But it's worth it if you have the heart, as I suspect you do. Just be prepared for little things that you wouldn't expect with your own biological children, such as allergies and illnesses, with your own kids they tend to follow your lineage, as you won't be able to use things like family history with adopted kids. I'm also still a little jury out on the whole nature vs. nurture thing, especially if they have a rough history.