Hello All,

For the past few years, my husband and I have tried different fertility treatments, all to no avail. These are expensive and we can no longer afford to continue them. So, it looks like no more babies for me (i have a son).

So our next step is to consider adoption, hence this post. I'm interested in talking with people who've adopted children. I have some legal and personal questions to ask, and I'm hoping you may have advice that I can use.

If we adopt, we want to adopt an infant, and even though it costs more to adopt a child from the US, we will do so. Nothing wrong with adopting from other countries, but I feel better adopting one from my own country. There's a need here for parents.

I'm afraid of the legal brouhaha that you see on those television docudramas. If we adopt, can the birth parents sue for custody? That would be a nightmare beyond belief and one I do NOT want to face.

How do you determine if a child has any special needs (for example, the mother was a drug addict, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc)? I don't mean to sound callous, all children are precious, but we cannot afford to adopt a child with severe problems. Is there a way to vet the mother's pregnancy habits? Or is it just luck of the draw?

And this next question is going to make me sound like a horrible person, but if I don't consider it, then I'm not being honest with myself. In my pregnancy, I bonded so much with my son. That bond is amazing, and one of the reasons I wanted to become pregnant again. I loved every minute of my pregnancy (except for the heartburn and the last couple of weeks).

Is it easy to bond with a newborn? I know I can love the baby, that's not a problem. But can I form that same bond I have with my son? The LAST thing we want to do is bring a child into our family and have him or her sense a difference. How do you deal with this? Does it naturally happen?

I appreciate any and all advice. Thanks, from the bottom of my heart.

smylee

I've never adopted but I was adopted when I was 2.

I don't remember a lot of it and consider them my parents irregardless of anything. They've always been honest with me and even gave me the address of my birth mother.

I have never had a desire to look her up.

Not sure if this helps but its from a kids perspective. Doesn't matter they didn't make me, they are my parents and I love them.

Wouldn't it be hard to show equal love for both, if you have one your own and one adopted?
i mean, if you knew, you would genetically will love someone from you.. over someone elses... heck i even notice that between real siblings/parents!

Just a question.

Friends of mine spent nearly 35K on fertility options to no avail. They choose to adopt through the foster system. Theirs were two young siblings who had seen and heard and done way to much for their tender ages of 3 and 5. They waited through the courts processing of the birth mother relinquishing her rights and inability to regain control of her life, and so without parental rights they were able to adopt these two children with out recourse from mother, father, or grans. The first six months the kids were scared everytime the social worker came to visit, fearing being taken away, they got moved 4 times in as many months. The thing with my friends, they knew they wanted to adopt and whatever their placed was, that's what they knew they were meant to have. So they assured them they were going to stay there no matter what. And boy there were a few times they wondered what they'd done getting them. But they stuck it out, and slowly but surely those kids are now legally and emotionally attached to their forever home! Now they had to do the evals, classes for fostering classes for adopting, but these kids have some advantages, the foster system will continue to support their higher education past HS. Friends of theirs signed up for newborn only foster, and got the notice within 24 hrs of completing their training, and final adoption was within 12 months. So at least go talk to the foster system and see if thats a viable option for you and your family.

I didn't adopt, but a good friend of mine did get pregnant early. She was engaged at the time, and all seemed well, but he then cheated on her, and left her (while pregnant).

She gave the baby up for adoption, as she knew she was too young to raise it properly.

To answer your questions, a lot of that is on the agency you use. If you use a program like this, you can expect to pay the mother's medical expenses, and agency fees, etc., but likely the least chance of any kind of custody issue ever.

Needless to say, her baby was adopted by a Microsoft Exec, and is living a pretty sweet life, will probably speak 3 languages by the time he's 10, and has visited numerous countries around the world already.

Why is it, when someone considers adoption, it's always a newborn?

I imagine it's much easier to form a more solid bond with a child if you have them before they can talk and before they've learned anything about the world. They are, in essence, a clean slate...no baggage.

Originally posted by SpaDe_

I would also consult a good family practice lawyer. That is how I learned about the fact that closed adoptions are essentially non existent any longer, which is the only way I would adopt. The last thing I want is for a child to have it's life potentially torn apart multiple times because it's birth parents couldn't sort out their own situation from the beginning.

ETA: One more thing, prepare to have your life put under a microscope. They want to know every detail of your home life, income, spending, eating habits, health habits, social activities, you name it. It is a tedious task, but if you know what you are getting into ahead of time you will be better prepared to handle the probing questions.

This here is the best advice to be seen. It is a very lengthy, very difficult process to adopt. While I can't speak for US laws, I can tell you the questioning and the invasion into your life is very stressful. In Australia, it is the same, the biological parents and even grandparents have rights to the child if they so please. The one saving grace here is if the child is old enough, then they can choose for themselves if they want contact with their parents/grandparents, but more often than not it winds up something dragged through family law court. Luckily, (here at least) the judges are very predisposed to the needs of the children and take everything into account before making a decision.

Be prepared to have every facet of your life examined closely, what you do, what you earn, your past, your partners, your family and anyone closely related to you, even your friends and all their affairs, goes under scrutiny. And it's not a quick thing either. Eight months to a year at least. And if you experience a breakup or trying to move (as I did), expect them back on your door to re-evaluate everything about your life over again.

The last thing is the cost. Not sure about the US, but it is very expensive to adopt here. When I said I was almost financially and emotionally bankrupt, it was no joke.

But it's worth it if you have the heart, as I suspect you do. Just be prepared for little things that you wouldn't expect with your own biological children, such as allergies and illnesses, with your own kids they tend to follow your lineage, as you won't be able to use things like family history with adopted kids. I'm also still a little jury out on the whole nature vs. nurture thing, especially if they have a rough history.