reply to post by michael1983l
It's late here, and I'm alone . Can I pull up a chair and have some of that awful coffee? I guess I feel like talking, too.
You're right, the world sure isn't what it's supposed to be. We could
go screaming after politicians and occupying parks and stuff, I
suppose. But for me, I gotta focus on myself and those around me. That's #1 in my book.
And, man, you sure nailed it with how hard things are. I'm not whining, mind you, but I get pizza night twice a month for my treats. You should
have seen the places I used to go. I still have photos of some of the stuff I used to do, years and years ago. But now? My last new car was thirty
years ago, I don't even dream of gettin' another. But you gotta keep on keepin' on, know what I mean?
"How do you keep on keepin' on?" Well I tell you, I got lucky. My mom's still alive (she's 91 and sharp as ever) and lives in the same state,
so occasionally I get a free meal out of her. But the important part of the meals is the talkin'. We love each other and have some pretty wild
memories together. Bringin' those back up makes her feel good, me too, to be honest. My Dad's been dead about ten years so she get's kind of
I've got a sister who's doing Ok for herself, and sometimes she and Mom slip me a few bucks. Those are great days, cause my only other income is
disability. My sister's a great kid, you'd like her, but she's married.
Another way I'm lucky is that I gotta decent place to live. I'm really happy there. I know this is gonna sound all bible-bangin' and preachy, and
I'm not one of those weird fundamentalist types, but I actually went to each room and prayed. I prayed that it would be a place of peace and love,
and that evil, hate, and despair would never get in. I think it made a difference, but, hey, what do I know?
Hey, I gotta tell you something that happened a week and a half ago. I was comin' home and it was late. We're in a small town and we've got a
"Nature Center." Trees and fields, the whole bit. I couldn't see very well but there was a path leading into the woods. I felt kinda dark and
discouraged, so when the path forked I took the one going deeper in. I walked for a while, then I came to a spot where the trees were really thin on
my right. I looked that way and it seemed kinda bright. I looked up.
Man, I don't have the words to tell you. The stars were absolutely nuts. They were everywhere, the sky was clear. Heck, you've seen stars, it was
no miracle. But, then again, maybe it was. It was just me and an incredible universe. No worries, no fear. I tell you, it was like walking into
the most amazing church or palace you could imagine. I could see
it. I mean, me, an average Joe, was in a position to see, study, and just
stand in awe of the Universe. I looked for half an hour. I don't know what I'm tryin' to say here, but I went back a few days later, and I still
had that special feelin'. There's somethin' there that was really true with a capital T, if you know what I mean.
What's this talk about you deciding to go nuts and maybe get sent to an institution? Mike, you are one ignorant guy. I'm not tryin' to insult you
or anything, but you don't know what you're talkin' about. Please, please, believe me, you don't want to go there, no way, no how, no time.
It's not like you think, they don't just feed you and give you a place to sleep, then leave you alone to work things out. You get "treated"
there. Lots of those who get "treated" never come out. And if you're a special case, they'll give something called ECT. They stick wires on
your head and give you enough juice to bring on seizures. After you've done that for a while, you'll start bein' surprised at how much of your
life you don't remember any more. Ok, I'll admit it may be better than goin' completely crazy and killing people before you off yourself, but if
you're ever thinking about an institution, make double sure you've got somebody on the outside who checks on things daily and doesn't get bullied
by any staff.
The night time pain? Yeah, I hear you. For me, I gotta replace the bad stuff with somethin' else. If I try to go blank, all that black junk just
comes back. I try to think about the love in the family, and how much I want them all to be happy and peaceful, and full of joy. It's kinda like a
prayer. I fill up on the love stuff, and the ugly gets pushed out of my head.
Oh, geez, look at how long I've been talkin'. Sorry 'bout that, man. If you think you can stand to listen to this old man babble any more, just
invite me back. And I wouldn't say "no" if you happened to find a bottle of beer in one of those drawers and wanted to share it.
Anyway, see you around.