I think I'm having a mid-life crisis at 26, I've been 'questioning everything.' Not an 'awakening' or 'insight,' I've been questioning
my existence; I am lost, nothing makes sense any more, everything is becoming 'cloudy.' Let me summarize.
The more I know, the more I realize I literally know nothing. Why are we here? Who am I? How did I get here? Where are we? Is it just me, or
are we clueless, NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING. We are completely devoid of any reasonable logical understanding of ourselves and our universe. HOW IS THIS
POSSIBLE? Why are we entertaining concepts in the universe without answering these basic questions?
I have no motivation to do anything but the basics - eat, sleep, drink, etc.. I have no plans for the future. I avoid all responsibilities. I have no
goals, I have no dreams, I don't trust anyone. I see theres no purpose for life. How can I be consumed by a meaningless flash in time; a sliver of
nothingness in a sea of eternity? This meaningless flash in time, I don't care about it, I'm not attached to it. One of the greatest experiences was
when I briefly ''died,'' Watching my body from above, I thought to my self, ''They'll find my body in the morning and arrange a funeral,
they'll discover how I accidentally died, in time my parents will get over the grief, everything makes perfect sense, everything is beautiful''
I don't believe in our society's version of ''love'' and I can't see myself doing any of these things: getting married, having kids, or doing
anything beyond what I'm doing right now - I look in to peoples hearts and I see mostly hate, greed and lying, I see manipulation, I see hypocrites,
I see back-biters, I see confrontation, I see disloyalty, I see self serving, selfish mentalities, and I want no part of it. @recluse.
This ''game'' of life disgusts me - the status, the people, wealth, the ego, the desire, the jobs, the work, the play, sex, relationships,
everything on this planet is a degree of debauchery and falsehood that doesn't interest me. To me, people that love to live life are weird, sober and
neurotic. They must have a fetish or ''attachment'' to material things, to be so fascinated and motivated by worldly life and glam, which is
fleeting and devoid of substance, one must not ''see things as they really are'' to carry on in this manner, in my opinion.
My version of ''love.'' exists in my heart, it extends to everyone, its my disposition - Having everyones best interest at heart and I'm
genuinely concerned for the well being of others, this is translated as ''weakness'' and ''pointless.'' Some bad example that I'll never get
props or respect for. Ex. Who threw on the black mask and gloves when his unconscious friend was raped. ME. Who risks his freedom tracking people down
when his friends get robbed? ME. Who's willing to bleed for people that don't show love in return? ME. Call it loyalty, integrity, love, as you
wish, it helps me sleep at night. Real love is righteous; without expectation of anything in return.
The more ''official'' real love is the selfish variety, you seek and ''fall in to,'' and suffer and 'get high on emotion' as result..
I don't believe in ''love'' between man and women because two different species can't bond in that manner. Ex. Dogs and cats rarely develop
strong bonds, they just ''get along.' often quite well, but they're just ''getting along,'' if dogs and cats found a way to say, ''I love
you,'' you'd know they're lying, even thought its a cute concept (same as man and woman)
I find most people unnatural, annoying and sketchy, civilians who are ''well adjusted'' to this sick society are usually heartless, disrespectful,
pushy and opinionated and because I'm quiet and I just observe, I take the brunt of people's psychic sketchiness? Now I now resort to violence,
since people are dense and only see what they see. Everyone deserves a degree of respect, and if you're not willing to give it, I must forcefully
take respect. People might be smart but they don't respect words - everyone respects might. ''right lies in might.'' Nowadays if someone comes at
me sideway, I quickly tell them what they did and why it was foul, and follow that up with a punch square in the face, but usually a hard
slap/backhand, they can cry it out and do the math later.
Well ATS, my life is a rolling failure. You could call me the black sheep, but I'm really living life the way I thought it was supposed to be living
- doing what I like and enjoying what I enjoy, doing no harm to others but myself if any, 24-7, apparently this is a form of rebellion?. I thought I
was the ''change'' I wanted to see in the world. Turns out, I don't even want to be alive any more, the thought of another 25 years makes me
And to God, I believe in you, or 'know' you, but in addition, I realized also don't believe in you or know you, simultaneously, then again, I
don't believe in ''I,'' anyways, I can't find myself anywhere.
I'm convinced I am deluded and enduring my own variety of brainwashing. I feel like life dropped me off and the wheels stopping spinning, I'm
comfortable with this, I don't wrestle ''for or against'' any more, although maybe I should? I thought I was living a real life, looks like I've
made a lot of bad decisions. I used to say, 'conforming to non conformity is still conformity,' What way am I really following? Maybe I'm lazy to
the ways of the world, maybe smothering your freedom and castrating yourself with a 9 to 5 is a better way?
ATS, thank you for giving me the opportunity to express myself, despite the fact that there are people with real problems in the world, you still make
me feel like I have a voice and an outlet. Also to relieve some tension when I'm probably going through manic phases of what is most likely
This thread is LONG, if you made it this far, I am amazed. This thread may very well be a mess of hogwash, who knows what goes on my head any more? I
wish the best for myself and everyone else. If you made it this far, please say whats on your mind, theres nothing you can say that will hurt me, I am
all ears. To everyone living in pain and struggle, keep your head up, we'll get through it.