Would This Be Wrong?

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


Good rules in my opinion.

But I also believe that a relationship is as much business as it is love.

I am looking for the girl who accepts me for who I am. One who wants me, rather than needs me.

Everytime I have lowered my standards I have ended up with a drama queen.

The smart ones (Who got away) went their way in life as did I and we're still friends.

Most are married now or divorced. All have said they should have married me when they had the chance.

Oh well, woulda, coulda, shoulda.

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


Lets start with your,or your friends rule 1...

#1: You are NOT the boss of me.

Should be,lets work together as a team.

Got to learn how to be cooperative working towards a common goal.

I know,alot of bull #,but if you want to stay in the game,and get want you want,you have to give her want she wants.
It's a two way street.

reply to post by kdog1982

Should be,lets work together as a team.

Please give me an example of this "working as a team" that does not involve a one way relationship. How would "working as a team" resolve the jacket/shirt issue to a mutual benefit instead of just benefiting one person?

And yes, it is SUPPOSED to be a two way street, but often it is only a one way street.

Originally posted by EvilSadamClone

Please give me an example of this "working as a team" that does not involve a one way relationship. How would "working as a team" resolve the jacket/shirt issue to a mutual benefit instead of just benefiting one person?

She saw the jacket as a shortcoming on the mans part. Fair enough. The man in turn needed to notice something about her that he didn't personally agree with and asked her to change that. The shirt would've been too easy. He needed to up the ante a bit. Say, for example, that she liked to go out 6 nights a week and he only 2. This issue is a bit deeper than clothing, but not so deep where the other person feels like you're pushing the relationship too far, too fast.

Whether you're changing your jacket or changing your mind, it's going to take awhile. Especially if you've been set in your ways for a good amount of time. They both need to realize that and give each other some time to change to where they are more compatible. If they like each other, they're going to do that. If they keep doing that instance after instance........they love each other, and a consistent give and take of things of this nature will only draw them closer to each other to where they love each other more. Then....they wake up one day and think "How did I ever live without this person? I love them so much".

This is what adults do. Kids play games. I speak from experience in the sense that I've tried this myself a couple of times. I tried it because it makes sense to me and others as well. But the "other half's" in my life? They didn't seem to think so. That's why I'm single, but I'm not going to change this method.......because it feels right to me. I'll alter it in order to be with someone who see's things the same way I do, but in return they need to alter a little about themselves as well. For example, a man like to wear casual clothes.......all the time. Think J Crew. A woman has been "married" to her career all her life. Think the "business end of your personal" life. Both are conceding but not too far out of their comfort zone to where they don't know what they're doing anymore. They're growing and they're doing it for someone other than themselves in the hopes they'll have a better life. There's no shame in that. And they are having a better life by simply doing what they're doing at this moment in time.

I think it has to be this way because there are no 2 people on this earth who are exactly the same way. Since we all want to feel comfortable around the people we share our lives with, we change little bits about ourselves so we can fit better with someone.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope it helps.

Originally posted by SonoftheSun
reply to post by EvilSadamClone

 

"#1: You are NOT the boss of me.

"#2. Do not try to manipulate me or control me. Do not make demands of me.

"#3 Allow me to be myself and let me express myself in my own way.

"#4 Open the door as she runs out like crazy...

Into the arms of a jerk of a guy who spanks her, pulls her hair during nature's sticky dance, orders her around, and calls her out on all of her unacceptable behaviour.

Two words: Good Luck !!

reply to post by InTheShadows


I'm sorry, this doesn't really help. I was looking for specific examples of how they could resolve these kinds of issues, and what could be said to resolve them in the best way possible for both people. What you gave me was kind of vague,

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


Most definitely wrong...
although i'm not sure why
shrug

Originally posted by EvilSadamClone
reply to post by kdog1982

 

Should be,lets work together as a team.

Please give me an example of this "working as a team" that does not involve a one way relationship. How would "working as a team" resolve the jacket/shirt issue to a mutual benefit instead of just benefiting one person?

And yes, it is SUPPOSED to be a two way street, but often it is only a one way street.

Sorry man,I have been brain washed for too many years now.

It's just easier now,I have bowed down to the queen.

Honestly, your rules make it feel like you won't really be having a relationship. If I were the girl you were saying these things to, it would feel like you live your life, I live mine, sometimes we might be together if it doesn't disrupt my life or yours.

Like others have said, you shouldn't NEED to give rules before dating someone. Keep those rules in your own head. If a problem arises, such as her wanting to get rid of your clothing, address it then. Let her know how you feel about it. It may never even come up.

Relationships are give and take. You will have to be flexible every now and then, and so will she, or it will NOT work. You are not going to find someone that wants to do the exact thing you want to do at all times, or wants to eat the exact same thing you do. Relationships that work have equal give and take and each partner is aware of the give and take without writing out a rule and posting it on the fridge. If you are giving more than taking, talk to her about it. If nothing changes, move on.

Instead of setting rules before you even have a relationship started, set up a clear line of communication. Talking to each other about problems that arise is really the best thing you can do.

He shouldve played farther into the game to show her what a fool she is. She wont see it though but its funny.

I had this gf a while back. She told me she knew i was cheatin cause im a trucker. I told her, damn, wish you woulda told me that, i missed a lot of (action)....

I was on the road, she didnt have a job, i forgot to pay the cable bill. She called me bitchin n moaning cause it was turned off. I told her i didnt have the money (i did). She bitched and moaned, youre always spending money on your motorcycle. I said, yeah, cause you wanted to ride it.....

Its a woman thing. of course any time she got money, she refused to help the household. It always weng to booze or weed. I dont miss her as a gf. But we broke up and were friends with benefits for a while, the only thing she was good at....barely.

Solution------ the 69"r ...fairs fair

"The greatest gift you can give to somebody is your own personal development. I used to say, "If you will take care of me, I will take care of you." Now I say, "I will take care of me for you if you will take care of you for me"" -- Jim Rohn

Just gather around people who share this attitude and you are - more or less - fine.

Concerning the Question in the topic: Depends on the point of view and the two players. If this "style" suits both of you, congratulations, even as intrapersonal power-split, dominance and submission might work for couples. (Though I think in a more or less unhealthy manner for at least one of them.)

reply to post by EvilSadamClone


If, at the start of a relationship, someone gave me a "list" of rules, I would turn and run.

All it shows is that the person is carrying an inordinate amount of baggage, and they will be a nightmare to deal with.

No thanks!

Originally posted by phroziac
He shouldve played farther into the game to show her what a fool she is. She wont see it though but its funny.

I had this gf a while back. She told me she knew i was cheatin cause im a trucker. I told her, damn, wish you woulda told me that, i missed a lot of (action)....

I was on the road, she didnt have a job, i forgot to pay the cable bill. She called me bitchin n moaning cause it was turned off. I told her i didnt have the money (i did). She bitched and moaned, youre always spending money on your motorcycle. I said, yeah, cause you wanted to ride it.....

Its a woman thing. of course any time she got money, she refused to help the household. It always weng to booze or weed. I dont miss her as a gf. But we broke up and were friends with benefits for a while, the only thing she was good at....barely.

This is wrong on so many levels.

reply to post by EvilSadamClone



Sounds like you may possibly have been dating Narcissists.

Anyone who makes everything 'All About Them', and the rules apply to others, but not to them, and they expect more than they are giving (entitlement issues) and other items you mentioned are called Narcissists and they will cause you lots of grief. They are shallow, phony and superficial and all about themselves. They are also head game players.


GOOGLE -- NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and learn to recognize the red flags, traits, characteristics and signs. Learning this is not hard or time consuming and it will save you a lot of grief and anguish.

If you are fully informed and aware of the red flags and you are paying attention to them (and don't ignore or deny them) and the common traits and characteristics, you'll be able to figure it out before it's too late -- after a few dates.

You don't have to make rules for people who do not have this incurable emotional disorder because (unlike narcissists) they are naturally considerate and compassionate.

My advice - stay away from them -- they will take you down emotionally and financially.

reply to post by Jana12


Thanks. This is something I had to learn the hard way.

And it's why I've made the decision that I will never be in a one way relationship ever again.

Originally posted by EvilSadamClone
The girl tells the guy she loves him and wants to be his girlfriend. So he says:

"Okay, but these are the rules:

"#1: You are NOT the boss of me.

"#2. Do not try to manipulate me or control me. Do not make demands of me.

"#3 Allow me to be myself and let me express myself in my own way.

These sound like good rules to me, although I immediately thought the girl should be making them for the guy.

In any case, I think these rules are definitely something that should be striven for in a healthy relationship of any kind - although they might have to be a bit adaptable and compromises might have to be made from time to time on account of it being a relationship.

In the end, it is a balance between these rules and the opposite idea of unification and working together towards common objectives.

On a side note, I highly believe that it is important to be able to support yourself in order to avoid being in an abusive relationship - and healthier still if your partner is the same way.

Originally posted by smilesmcgee
I think guys wear a lot of really ugly clothes sometimes and most men would wear the same clothes they wore in high school for the rest of their life if their wives/girlfriends didn't make them buy new things.

I agree in equality, but for real, most guys need help with their wardrobe and will never understand why a woman wears anything but lingerie. Sorry, but true.

Anyways, to add, mutual love and respect mean you never have to set rules. Deal with issues as they arrive and always respect each other's right to be their own person.

edit on 18-9-2012 by smilesmcgee because: (no reason given)

I would never tell a guy what he could or couldn't wear, and I would never let a guy tell me what I can or cannot wear.
I have seen a lot of sexist comments towards women on here, but I think this is pretty sexist against guys.
I could care less what a man wears.

Back to the topic. You say don't make demands on you but your list of rules seems an awful a lot like a list of demands albeit reasonable ones. I would just leave out the don't make demands or change it to don't make unreasonable demands.

Originally posted by EvilSadamClone
The girl tells the guy she loves him and wants to be his girlfriend. So he says:

"Okay, but these are the rules:

"#1: You are NOT the boss of me.

"#2. Do not try to manipulate me or control me. Do not make demands of me.

"#3 Allow me to be myself and let me express myself in my own way.

"If you can follow these rules, I'll follow the same ones for you and return the favor. What's fair is fair. If you can not follow any ONE of these rules, then I want nothing to do with you, regardless of how I may feel."

Because, many women think that the guy has to obey their every whim and that they are the boss of the guy.

Here's an example of why these rules could be important.. I had a friend with a girlfriend who hated his jacket. She absolutely demanded that he get rid of that jacket to please her. She raised a big ruckus and insulted and berated him all to hell and back until he finally relented and let her choose the jacket she wanted him to wear.

Finally the day came where she wore a pornographic shirt. Well, very close to being a pornographic shirt anyway. He said it was inappropriate to wear because it was just an offensive shirt. It had a muscle guy in a g-string in front of a Confederate flag showing off his muscle. He demanded that she got rid of it, she refused and started insulting him and berating him all to hell and back. As in "how DARE you demand I get rid of this shirt. I have every right in the world to wear this shirt you stupid sob..." yadda yadda yadda,,,

Eventually they broke up because she demanded that he be his boss and dominated and controlled every aspect of his life while she wouldn't give him anything in return.

Unfortunately, there are far too many women like that in this day and age. It seems to me that many women can not be respectful towards men and are quite irrational about it.

So that's where these rules come into play.

Because it seems to me that a healthy relationship borders on two-way respect, and a woman would respect the guy in this manner.

I'm not trying to say she should be a slave to him and his desires so please don't take it as such. It's just that to me a respectful person would allow their significant other these things, and the partner would return the favor. Respect and trust is what builds a relationship, not domination, control, and "do as I say not as I do" junk.

And there are a lot of women out there, as well as men, who don't seem to understand these things.

And personally, I just don't understand why some people have to be this way.

So, would it be wrong to have those rules?

Ok, here's my two cents as a young woman who's in a serious relationship with a very picky-ass man.