posted on Jul, 5 2012 @ 09:44 PM
From a very young age, I was very disadvantaged, from group homes to family members, sometimes even strangers. Life as I knew it, was scattered. I
went to at least 3 schools a year, if I got to go at all. I thought this normal.
Never an I love you, or even a hug, I got to stand at someones door, with a back pack, and sit down in the hallway while my mother had a conversation,
and off I went. To sleep at yet another "friends" house. I wasn't a relative, I was an intruder according to the other kids.
I didn't speak much, I really wasn't much trouble at all. I would walk into a room, and everyone would get quiet. I never bothered to think about
what they were saying. But I stood tall. Ignoring it, waiting for my mother to come back.
I would see other kids coming home from school, their parents there while I would walk for blocks by myself. I wasn't scared. I knew that I was
"trained" properly enough, not to talk to strangers, but living with them seemed ok.
As I got older of course I felt as there were no rules for me. Love was a giant no-no. Hug me and I would try to hit you, thinking you were trying to
harm me, and forget listening to others, apparently I knew it all. By the time I was 11, I could travel anywhere at anytime all over NYC if I felt
like it, and I never feared.
I would visit friends and there mothers would scold them, and I would look bewildered, why would someone talk to you that way? Was that what a parent
does? Hmm. I didn't like it. I never hung out with anyone my own age. Dolls were strange, why would someone want to pretend? Toys are for kids. I AM
NOT A KID!!
As I got older and began having lets say relationships, it got even worse. I knew that love was not what I saw on t.v or the movies, but I have seen
people sad and crying, so that had to be the truth, why would t.v be more truthful then what I have seen with my own eyes?
From 14 on, I thought that your partner didn't love you unless they hit you, and then said they loved you. I walked the streets with black eyes as
someone would a wedding ring. I thought this showed that I was loved. I was proud. I knew someone loved me, and from what I hear, they knew
what I needed to be better, another form of training that will prepare me for the future.
No one took the time to try to figure me out, because I never let anyone. I have been called a "robot" more times then I care to, especially
when I found out what they meant. It took me another 20 years to slightly open up. I have been in many failed relationships, surprisingly with my
"robot" attitude they lasted 3 yrs or more.
When I tried to love, it scared the crap out of me. Why would someone need to validate me? Why do we need love, and why cant figure it out. I tried
analyzing myself, taught myself to be more social, and tried to research a bit about psychology.
BTW, that is a not the best way, I ended up becoming scared of those that wanted love, and who wanted it from me, and started blaming myself for not
figuring it out.
I knew that when I became a parent that I would never do that to my kids! Though I knew what not to do, it didn't make up for what I should
have been doing. Never abusing, but listening, never ignoring, but paying close attention. Never leaving them with anyone, and never ever letting them
feel like they have to be alone.
I learned that I didn't know how to be a wife, but I was a damn good mother. Everything that I lacked and never got a chance to have I gave and give
to my kids. They saved me from a life that could have ended so badly. They gave me love, and though I had no idea what to do with it, I took it with
There is a horrible stigma about people that have had to live without. I am one that can say that people can love, and have empathy, no matter their
situation. I try and share that even here. I know that my story even though I could have written 8 pages, is something that I was willing to share,
because I am afraid that there are people out there that need to know they are NOT the only one.
That feelings for another, not matter how small is still love. I am in my late 30's and just found love. I am still a work in progress and the man I
love knows it, and is patient, and kind. I consider myself lucky to have had such an opportunity.
And here is what I have learned so far. Patience is one of the hardest things you can have, especially when people see your strength, but dont think
you can't love. There is so much hate and gloom, I am trying to make sure that for every bit of doom and gloom, and every peace of unsettling
research I look through, that I find at least one awesome story, one of peace and love.
I am here to finally say...... I AM NOT A ROBOT!!!!