Introspective ramblings of today by a lonely partygirl (who never parties) in Japan

Hi its me and I want to ramble. You don't have to read this if you don't want, its more for me than anyone else , but I feel a little strange and a little lonely and I want to let my feelings out. And writing helps me do that. I usually write like this in a private word-file when I feel this way, and not online, and I'm not trying to be an attention-w (I HATE that word by the way but I don't know what else to call it) but I want to feel like I'm talking to somebody other than myself today. Because I'm lonely and weirded out. So even if only one other human being reads this, I'll be happy. And this thread is probably only for today, I will probably abandon it after a few posts. Lol. So that's my disclamer. And its in the offtopic forms so it doesn't have to be so polished, right? So don't expect much, is alls I'm trying to say.

OK, now I'll stop apoligizing and get down to buisiness in the next post, assuming hypothetically somebody besides me cares. Stand by while I write it.

You should feel so lucky to be in Japan..radiation or not..Sitting here in s. illinois..it's hot and humid and there is absolutely nothing to do! Tokyo must be very exciting.
I would probably be stuffing my face if I were there with you!

I'm standing by...............................................Where's it at?

You're never alone on ATS honey, that's one good thing about this place. There are a lot of listeners here, myself included, who'll try to pick you up if you feel lonely.

How long are in Japan for and when will you get to go back home? Wherever home is.

reply to post by Partygirl


Hey there PG, no worries. I had a friend that did the english in Japan stint too several years ago. I got plenty of letters back then. Keep your spirits up. You should be having a goodtime.

I have a question for you, are you a sushi lover?

reply to post by Partygirl

Aww...sweetie, you're not all alone. I'm sorry for your loneliness...I've been tracking your Tokyo adventure.
I admire your guts, and your courage.

Sorry your room is shabby, but remember, there are people who are paying attention....
and I've looked for your posts. There's so much negativity going on. I'm glad for your contributions.
For what it's worth.
~wildtimes

OK, here goes.

first some background info on me if you want. Once I wrote This thread about growing up homeschooled in a small Christian community and I think its one of my better threads so if you want an idea of where I'm coming from as a person in a very general sense, that should do it.

I've always been religious, my parents and family and all my friends have been and still are. We started out Mormons, but my family has a weird relationship with the Church. They kind of are "unorthodox Mormons" I guess you could say, and over time my parents have become more like mainline Fundamentalist Christians and less like Mormons. Its kind of hard to explain and I don't really want to go into it right now. But anyway, when I was growing up, it was a big ambiguity for me: How much I should have the faith of a Mormon, and how much I should simply trust in the Bible like a fundamentalists Christian. (My fbasic aith in God never, ever wavered - only my understanding of how to approach Him). My parents wrestled with the whole thing too but they brought me up "officially" as an "orthodox" or mainline Mormon, at least on paper. So I would have that option, even if I chose later not to believe in it. In a way you could say they were doing a halfway job of both and a good job of neither by bringing me up that way, but I think they did the best they could and I love them!

When I was a teenager I felt closer to Mormonism than "normal" Christianity and I did all the things I had to do with the chuch so I could be a missionary. And then they sent me to Japan.

And Japan is where I was when the earthquake happened, last year, in 2011.

A couple things happend last year when I was in Japan: 1) I decided I didn't believe in Mormonism and I abandoned my missionary work and became a born-again "normal" fundamenatlist Christian. Which I still am. So that means, I believe the Bible is the inerrant Word of the Lord and I became Born Again by opening my heart to Christ and seeking to establish a personal relationship with Him. Now that is the path I am on, and I feel in my heart a great peace, that I made the right choice!

The other thing that happened was the earthquake, which changed me in a different way. I want to talk more about that (and less about Religion) today.

To be continued in the next post.

You're never alone. Whether it be here, in ATS chat, or wherever. And some of us read your posts whether we get a chance to respond or not.

Wow already there are replies, thanks guys. I havent read them yet because I want to go on with my stream of consciousness but I'll go back and read them later.

OK, let me get the basic story down before I go off on a tangent:

1) Born and raised in isolated rural sorta-Mormon-sorta-"regular"-Christian community in Western Utah.
2) Moved to a bigger town in Utah (not Salt Lake City) when I was in my teens, pursued orthodox Mormon stuff so I could be a missionary. Studied the Japanese language because I thought it was a challenge. I'm not like a "japanophile" person who is all into manga and anime and like that, but the culture and language seemed like a real challenge and I like to challenge myself.
3) Got sent to Japan as a mormon missionary.
4) Stuff happened. Long story short: Quit being a missionary, quake happend, went back to America.
5) Then I worked in a mall in a clothing store and lived a normal little life in Utah. Became a compulsive ATS poster for most of last year.
6) Met a guy and fell hard for him. Turned out he was a real jerk and I was a stupid, stupid partygirl to fall for him. As a lot of you guys advised me. What you said would happen is exactly what happened! Once again, ATS is smarter than me!
7) Got a big chance to come back to Japan, this time as an English teacher for a private company. I was lucky to get that job!! I got it through somebody I know in Japan. Now I'm here!

So that brings us up to speed.

Continued in next post.

reply to post by Partygirl


Watching and waiting for your next post. You and I don't much agree politically or religiously, but I respect you as a very smart young lady with a lot of common sense. You are certainly out there living life right now! Please keep the news coming. Also, you should definitely keep some private notes, so that you have the option to write your experiences up in a book some day.

So here I am in Japan. On the big scale, I'm really happy and lucky to be here and to have a good job. But at the same time I feel lonely and strange. People can feel two ways at once and neither one is the "real" way. This was part of my learning experience last year! An important lesson.

I liked working in the mall last year, because it was so normal and I didn't have to think much. And I never felt normal and I always thought too much. I don't have normal ambitions like most people, I don't care about money all that much all I want to do is serve the Lord and read and write. And be in nature. I love the desert, love the challenge of surviving in the deep desert like my dad taught me to do. And I love plants and green things. That's enough, if I can do that I don't need a special career or a fancy house and lots of money.

I never felt comfortable with guys although I am attracted to them, being a woman and a human. But guys started coming on to me all the time once I hit my teens and I didn't know how to respond right. I call myself "partygirl" but I should have picked a different name. Because I never party, I'm uptight, Ive never even gotten drunk before, I never break the law, and I am a strict Christian. So I chose the name "Partygirl" for two reasons: one of my best friends (a non-Christian girl who grew up in a more "normal" situation, whatever that means) calls me that as an ironic joke because I'm so uptight and non-partying. The second reason is because I am interested in politics and for a while wanted to start my own political party, for young people and young Christian women especially. Because I feel people like me have no voice in politics or culture. Everyone assumes young women are all natural liberals but in fact there are a lot of Christian women like me! But I don't feel so comfortable with the republican party either, the traditional conservative establisment is often not so sensitive to the needs of women, its a very "manly man"-ish culture. So I wanted (still want!) a political voice for young Christian women. But that dream has receded somewhat in my simple struggle to get by.

Yeah, so I am not really a "partygirl" in the way my name implies and that's been a stumbling block on ATS becuase people assume I am one way and really I'm not that way at all. But this is my name and I've grown fond of it. So its good in a way because having this name makes me fight harder on ATS to assert who I really am. Like that old country/western song about how a man named his son "Sue" so he'd grow up a fighter. lol. I'm a partygirl who never parties and I'll fight on ATS to prove it to you. lol.

But that name gave people the wrong idea about me on ATS and a lot of people didn't like me here. That's OK. A lot of people liked me too, and I like all of you. Each and every one. I even made a couple of real friends here. You know who you are. All the people on my "friends" list are my friends here, lol. But there are others. I've stopped "friending" people here I guess but I haven't stopped making friends.

Actually I want to talk a little more about my feelings about ATS. its complicated. continued in the next post.

I have met three ATS members in real life. Without getting specific I want to give a message to each of them.

I decided I'm not going to meet people from off this board - or anywhere else on the internet - in real life anymore, because frankly speaking, its dangerous. Even though only good things happened with the three ATS members I am now friends with. And I'm going to stay friends with them. But 3 is enough, I think.

My other friends here are going to be ATS friends for sure but I don't want to meet anyone else in real life. I hope you understand, some people have asked to meet me but I have to say no because I am a little weirded out by the Intenet and real life and I can't always keep real life and the internet separate in my mind. This is a big problem for a lot of people but especially for me!

Terms and conditions don't let us talk about other members by name or gossip, so I wont. But in a roundabout way I have a message of thanks for the three ATSers I met in real life, who are still my friends. And I want to say it publically so they know I really mean what I say. Does that make sense? Because if you go on record in public its real and they will know I'm not lying. But I'm going to put it in general terms and not name names so I don't break the T&C, OK?


1) One of them is really wise, and scary-smart, and did me a BIG favor that I probably can't ever repay. He helped me last year when I was in Japan and he was too, in a MAJOR way that I cant mention on this board. But I'm never going to forget it. Besides that, he helped me to understand my feelings at that time, about what it means to go through a major crisis like an earthquake or disaster, which is a weird thing in itself I am still wrestling with. This person has been super-nice and he has a lot of experience with crisis situations, it turns out. But he's also a little bit wild, a little bit...I don't know. His life has been too wild and hard and full of pain, and it did something to him that makes makes me feel a little out of my depth when I'm around him. HE know this, we had a long talk about it, actually. Plus he's a lot older than me got a serious woman-friend (who is a wild one like him), so its not THAT kind of thing between us, don't get the wrong idea, ATS. He's just somebody who understands what I went through in Japan last year, which nobody else who hasn't been through it quite gets. I want to thank him for his kindness, but also let him know that I need to stand on my own two feet in Japan and not depend on anyone here. It would be all too easy.

2) The second person is a different ATS man who I met last year for a blind date in Las Vegas. He made me laugh so hard I spit juice out my nose and he knew exactly how to show me a good time and respect me, too. He's super-relaxed and a little more within the realm of "normal" than guy #1, so I felt comfortable talking to him and hanging out with him, and I still would if I were still in the states. And he's confident enough that he can be friends with me as a woman yet not "in that way." We both realized our blind date didn't go well, but we still keep in touch as friends. i want this person to know that he's in my thoughts and I hope he'll still write to me from time to time because I like his ideas, even though he's not a Christian. Not many non-Christians can disagree so strongly yet still respect my beliefs, he taught me a lot about secular people and that secular people can still be morally good people, even if I cry because I worry they are going to end up in the hot place. But it was a big lesson, and he taught it to me. Thanks.

3) The third is a woman who has been super-supportive, also a Christian, an older woman I also met in Las Vegas last year. I don't have many wise older female mentors in my life and you took the time to help me sort out my feelings. When my relationship with the horrible man-boy in the link above went bad, you were there and you were patient with me without letting me sink into self-pity. You seem so put together and your husband and children are like the perfect family, I am in awe. I don't know how you do it but I want to learn! I want a family like yours when i'm ready and believe me that's the biggest complement I can give because having a family is going to be the most important thing for me when I get ready for it. I hope I can be there as a female friend for you if you ever need a shoulder to cry on!! You are the bestest best wise old aunt I never had!

OK thats all about that, I said my thankyous. I feel better and less lonely now! But I will make another post because I still have time in the intertnet cafe left. (one more to fpllow below).

Wow I just wrote a huge long thing about living in the gaijin house and what that's been like but the browser closed by mistake!


I'm not re-typing that again.

Arrrrgh.

OK, I think I have time for another post. I want to talk a little about being in the earthqake last year. It still dominates my thoughts so much. So I'll do that in the next post.

Partygirl ur not the only loner (no offense) I'm also one due to my status of being a nerd and the fact I refuse to join the "cool kids club" when they bullied me into joining them via verbal abuse

reply to post by Partygirl


With all of your threads and posts, I feel like I know just about everything there is to know about you. Which is also kinda weird "knowing" somebody that I've never seen or met.

But, I will say that you are a kind, loving, and very warm-hearted soul who deserves the same. It's too bad that the kindness and caring you display are becoming endangered in today's world in the sense that too many people don't care anymore nowadays.

With you being in a teaching position, it puts a smile on my face knowing that your kindness might rub off on the kids that you are teaching.

So, what ever happened with that guy you were seeing that didn't want you on ats anymore? I remember that thread of yours... Hope you dumped his sorry a$$. Hang in there. Life is a test of strength and fortitude. You seem strong. You'll be ok.

The earthquake. It changed everything. For Japan obviously but also for me.

First of all, it came right when I decided not to be a missionary anymore. If I was more supersititous and small-minded I might be tempted to see it in divine punishment terms and scurry back to the arms of the church I had left, but it didn't have that effect at all. Quite the opposite - It made me feel somehow I made the right choice to leave the Mormon church, to leave everything and put all my faith in God and God Alone: No church beyond the body of true believers, wherever they are in the world. And no word but His Word. Now, and forever. Absolute, silent, stainless and beyond time. Beyond all question. But that's another story I guess. And I want to write something my non-Christian friends can appreciate today, so I'll leave this line of reasoning for now.

Besides fixing my faith so strongly, the quake had another effect, a more embarrasing and difficult to talk about effect. I can't describe it, but I've spent a lot of time over the past year trying to understand it. It did something weird to my mind and personality. In the days after the quake, you might expect I would have become depressed, or scared, or grief-stricken. Or something along those lines. On one level I guess these things happened, but it was a very shallow level. I mean, obviously I was scared, but that was not the overriding emotion. My fear was there, but it almost felt like hardly worth mentining. Like a mosquito bite at a funeral, it was there, but it wasn't part of the main show.

So what was the main show? The heaviest emotion I experienced was something nobody who was there can seem to understand. This is why its embarrassing. The emotion I felt is something I describe to myself with the word exuberant. That's not it, but that's the closest word I can come up with. And It makes no sense and seems so inappropriate. But I am trying to be honest, so even though I can't explain my feelings, I must report them, as they happend.

The feeling...was one of being alive. Gloriously, wonderously alive, in a way so deeply intense I didn't even know people could feel this way. I cannot call it happy, because it was not positive. It was tinged around the edges with those other more normal emotions you'd expect: Fear, anxiety, sorrow....but in the middle was this bright light that said over and over. Your are alive. And you are a superstar..

And thats embarrassing, because that's not how we are supposed to feel in the wake of tragedy.

But even those words don't do it justice. Lets see if I can do better.

First, time changed. It took me about three times as long to do anything: tie my shoes, fill out a form, get something from the conveninece store. But even though I was slowing down and taking longer to do things, I had the impression time was speeding up. How can time slow down and speed up at the same time? It makes no sense.

(continued in next post)

(continued from my last post).

So I had this weird thing with time going on, where I was stumbling around taking three times as long to do basic tasks, but inside it felt like time was *FLYING*.

Next, the really embarrasing part - my libido went NUTS. I'm not a very sensual person and I am very reserved with men and have very little experience with them. As a christian, I've always saught to keep my libido in place as a Christian woman should, and for the most part I have been able to, without (i think) too much of a struggle. I guess in general "that stuff" has always been a much smaller and more marginal part of who I am than it is for some women (and most men, if you want my impression and opinion lol). In short, I've never been that sensual or involved with men, or tormented by desire (although like all people Ive had my crushes and inappropriate moments). But suddenly after the quake, in those few weeks, my desire exploded in me like a volcano! I was getting inapropriate thoughts constantly, and I had to struggle nonstop to keep a lid on them. I wanted to fling myself into the arms of strangers - people I would NEVER be even remotely attracted to. I did NOT act on these, I am a very disciplined non-partying partygirl, remember. But never in my life did I imagine I would feel that way, and at such an inappropriate time. I started having romantic thoughts about men after talking to them for a few minutes...old men, young men, beautiful, ugly, it didn't matter.

Third: I wanted to HAVE FUN. All the time I'd been in Tokyo, the bar scene, the nightlife - none of that had been even remotely attractive to me, even though its a big part of what Tokyo has always been about, image-wise. I wanted to go get drunk and go dance to techno-music until dawn! Where did these thoughts come from? How could they have been there in such a tragic time?

Fourth: I started to have all these ridiculous egtistical and materialist fantasies, again something that's basically out of character for me, before and since. I wanted to dress up in glitzy clothes, be NOTICED. I wanted men to hand me boquets as I walked down the catwalk in a fashion show, say, or I wanted to be seated at the best table in the trendiest restaurant or to cover myself with diamonds and silk designer dresses. What was THAT all about? That's not who I am and that's never been who it was.

See why its so embarassing to admit this? I should have been in silent mourning for all the dead people in Japan, behaving quietly with my head down, humble in the face of death and tragedy. And I was - these were URGES, not things I actually did. But why, oh why, did I have these urges, so strange and inappropriate?

I hated myself for feeling those things. I really knew self-loathing for the first time. What kind of monster was I ? Was this the real me, who I'd been all along? Had I been living a lie my whole life?

If somebody had asked me to predict how I would react, that is the LAST way I would think.

And yet, that's what happened.

(continued below).

So I had this strange...explosion of manic energy, not being able to sleep, having all these bizzare, inappropriate thoughts, and feeling time be all screwy, and on top of it all this strange materialistic sensuality, totally out of keeping with who I thought I was, coming out of left field. And inside a bright white light saying over and over with a manic glee: you're alive & you're a superstar you're alive you're alive you're alive you're alive you're alive!.

And as a Christian - heck, even as a basic human being, I aboslutely knew this was the wrong way to be reacting. Why couldn't I feel something for all those who had died or lost everything, worse than me? Why this hideous, evil glee and irrational exuberance, like somebody (a BAD somebody) had taken over my brain and was thinking with it, taken over my heart and was feeling with it?

On the surface, I suppressed all this, mostly. I didn't actually fling myself into strangers' arms or put on designer clothes, I didn't go to bars or sashay around like a model. I kept a proper, subdued exterior. But where did these stupid feelings come from in the first place?

I still don't understand.

After a few weeks theses feelings subsided, and more "normal" feelings returned. The fear, grief, and sorrow that had been playing around the edges of that awful manic white light became bigger, realer, more part of my reaction. The mosquitos at the funeral turned into bigger animals, wolfs, maybe. And then I had to grapple with those feelings, which were scary and real too, and that wasn't any better. Heck, in some ways it was a lot worse. But at least it felt human and appropriate.

I guess that's "shock," at least how it was for me.

Later I was able to talk to a few people who undestood me. Some other people who lived through the same thing, who also experienced it. It made me feel better to know I am not the only one who reacted like that. But even so, not everyone reacted with those emotions. It was not a universal response. Other people who lived through the same thing didn't have a clue what I was talking about when I tried to explain this to them, or they got angry at me. So I stopped talking about it to people.

But I never stopped thinking about it. Its a guilty, hateful feeling, that I felt that way. I'm still disappointed in myself. I guess the human mind/heart/soul is a strange thing, and different people react differently. Some people understand that, others don't. That's life I guess. God made us all different. We all have different colors on our palette to paint with. I just wish I had...bettter colors...at that time. I feel like I failed at something.

When those feelings subsided, after a few weeks, more normal feelings returned. I was still in Japan. I wasn't a missionary anymore. Real fear began to set in, especially about the radiation. Do you remember how it was in the early days? I didn't know if I would be dead or not. Everyone was leaving Japan, it was mass panic among the foreigners!

I started to realize how dangerous it was, and real fear set in for the first time. I had to confront death. Was all that "irrational exuberance" a way to keep going and not be overwhelmed by the fear and panic?

If so, I guess it worked. When I'm not feeling so hard on myself, I like to think maybe that's what happened.

Then I had to start facing reality at last. I wanted to go up north and help ("the best defense is a good offense!" I could fight my own fear of death by saving others!) But what could I do? I was running out of money, I didn't have any skills to "help" people, I'm no doctor. All I would do is be in the way. I had to start thinking about myself.

My parents wanted me to come home, they were hysterical but my mind wasn't working right and I thought I would be "giving up" to do that. I had so little money, so little idea what to do or how to go forward.

A terrible roaring was filling my ears. And then the panic attacks set in. The aftershocks are what finally did me in. Every day another earthquake. After that "irrational exuberance" had subsided, it was no longer there to protect me from the terror of the aftershocks. Then, for the first time, I began to know real fear. A fear like I've never known was possible. Every day an aftershock, bringing with it the terror. Am I going to die now?

I tried to trust God but I am a poor sinner. And in the end my fear got the better of me. Another thing to feel ashamed about.

I got enough money together to get the heck out of there...by borrowing it from 4 different people. I will always be in those people's debt. None wanted me to pay them back, but I did. Every penny. Its still not enough. I'll never be able to repay those people...none of whom were particularly close to me, beforehand.

The way strangers help each other in crises is the thing that makes me know that deep down, we human beings are good. We live in the light of God, God shines through us at such moments, and in such moments we learn God will never forsake us.

We get by with a little help from our friends.