Father accused of being a paedophile by ex

Originally posted by Submarines
Unfortunately, I have been in the same position as this guy.
Talk about embarrassment and humiliation. You have no idea what it's like having to go through supervised visitation with your child. Two years of investigations that were unfounded. Makes life hell.
I feel his pain!

Yeah same here, I am still in the middle of it, been going on for near 3 years now...

From my experience I can say that it would be preferable to be falsely accused of murder than of abusing your own children. In the end the truth comes out, but anyone that has young children will know that each year is precious and priceless... the years I have missed with my kids are my lifes greatest sadness

Originally posted by ParAvion

Yeah same here, I am still in the middle of it, been going on for near 3 years now...

From my experience I can say that it would be preferable to be falsely accused of murder than of abusing your own children. In the end the truth comes out,

I've never been in this position, my ex gives me unlimited access to my sons, no conditions, if they want to come over then they come over.

You may ask what is the point of responding to this but something you said tugs on my heart strings:

"but anyone that has young children will know that each year is precious and priceless... the years I have missed with my kids are my lifes greatest sadness"

That single statement should tell everyone that you are a damn good father. I spent a year fighting in some God forsaken land and my greatest regret? Not what I did while I was there (which I will be eternally ashamed of) but missing a year of my children's lives.

Wish you the best of luck buddy. You should be with your kids.

reply to post by PW229


Thank you.

reply to post by Eirian

Hmmm yeah sure. There are people who make up lies. The defence to defamation is the truth so she should have been charged with defamation.

In my experience, the fact that an accused does not institute legal action proves guilt.

There are a lot of child molesters walking the street free, why? Because the system failed the victims.

Originally posted by Skate
Don't you all just hate being wrongfully accused?

Thousands of people in prison and jail right NOW have been wrongfully accused of random acts of violence such as murder and are in prison for the rest of their life, even though they didn't do a damn thing. It's shameful to see the system screwing over peoples' lives.

S&F

edit on 27-8-2011 by Skate because: S&F

There was a time in years past where I would debate such a thing endlessly and arguing the % who MIGHT be there by accident is really so tiny, it doesn't matter.........

Then the Innocence Project started their work. I'm a believer after the sheer numbers they've gotten off Death Row and free on absolute DNA evidence of innocence. It sounds like both America and England need some serious work on their systems.

Regretably, for heterosexual couples, the "family justice" systems in most western/first world jurisdictions follow long-established practices of denying that fathers should be treated anywhere near equal when it comes to parenting, and seem to exagerate the financial penalties in terms of child support that fathers have to pay, even if they have make efforts to the courts to be considered in a fair parenting settlement.

In the situation that is the subject of this thread, it is easy for the mother to target the father and easily skew any potential decisions affecting parenting.

I know of many men who have been threatened by their former spouse during the time of the "separation" (i.e while both parents live under the same roof). Generally, the mother threatens that she will call the police and state that she had been abused by the father, unless he agrees to leave the family home in short order. If the father leaves, this has the effect of appearing to the courts (in future proceedings) as though the father is a deserter.

Under new "zero tolerance" laws, the above threat carries a lot of weight.

In many jusrisdictions, the most a court will bend to fathers as parents is to provide them one day/week and every second weekend with the children, which has the effect of giving children only 37% of their time with the father.

This is "magically" below 40%, the threshold at which the parent with the lower time (father), must pay the spouse with the higher time (the mother), 100% of the prescribed child support under the tables established by the presiding jurisdiction. The father generally has the same expenses (home, food, insurance, auto, etc.) but this isn't considered. The support payments are usually made from after tax income and not tax-deductible. In general I think the amount works out to about 10% of gross income, per child. Its a money issue.

IMHO, the best organization out there now advocating for fathers and which is making progress with legislators in the U.S. at least is, the "American Coalition for Fathers and Children". Please see their website www.acfc.org

Existing laws in the US, Canada, and it sounds like the UK and elsewhere are antiquated. Only after fathers are considered equally with mothers when it comes to parental roles in the event of a marital or relationship breakup then nonsense like these threats against innocent parents will have no motivation value for people who would otherwise seek to gain an unfair advantage in our fanily justice courts.

A passionate subject.

That article rang so true to me minus the pedophile charge. After my divorce I found out what "vindictive" meant. I used to get legal papers delivered to my door via registered mail on my birthday and just prior to nearly every holiday. I came to fear holidays. Always worried some horrible accusations would show up in time for Christmas dinner, etc. She made it nearly impossible to see my daughter. I even initiated going to court once myself to get this straightened out but to no avail. Instead of my ex relaying to me that my daughter did not want to come on visitation I got informed that she was sick.

I soon figured out that it was important that when I did get to see my daughter that we should not get out of the car laughing and having a good time. When this happened, I got to go to court shortly after. The weird thing is when we got at the rendezvous point and me and my daughter were having a good time I could tell this devastated my ex. So, I came to always make sure the car was dirty and unkempt, I was unshaven, and looked like I had lost my best friend. As long as I suffered my ex seemed to be less likely to drag me through court.

It all seemed pretty insane but for some ungodly reason this woman that left me two weeks prior to Christmas (she was pregnant with another man's child I found out later) could make me dance a jig for anything she wished to accuse me of. The final straw came after I saw what happened to my cousin.

My cousin evidently married a smiling wonderful woman also (like many a unwise man has) who also seemed to be just a little vindictive. She accused him of sexually abusing his son. She tried to recant it later (because you see, it was just a ruse to punish him) but was told by the prosecutors that if she recanted she would be the one going to jail. So guess what she did, she went full steam ahead.

He is not in jail. He can never see his son now though. My aunt and uncle had to sell their nice home and empty their savings to keep him out of jail. My cousin lost everything he had. Seeing him go through this as I was going through my hell scared me to be honest. Scared me so bad I decided to simply close the blinds on my being a father. I've only seen my daughter a couple of times since then and she's now in college (which I currently pay for).

The story is much longer and sordid of course but why type 16 pages worth of drivel about our court systems and and these supposed family court services. Let's just leave it at I have decided obscurity is a good thing in a nation where our leadership and institutions seem intent on a fix that is far worse than the initial problem. The same government that robs you blind and expects you to make up the difference on their bad gambles.

Oh, and women getting the short end of the stick same as men?? In all my years of witnessing bewildered anguish and the lost souls of the parental abyss I have seen many many men have to take it bent over and dry and only one woman in this situation. Needless to say, she was lost, dazed, confused and utterly without hope.

would be cool if you could go to a loan shark and take out a loan for her, in her name or use someone that looks similar

then never pay it back so the loan shark sends his goons to her and breaks her legs...

she'd learn a lesson then.

reply to post by Apollumi


Thanks for sharing, I know exactly where you are coming from, but I just can't give up on my kids. I have spent close to 100k on legal related fees over the past 3 years and I will spend that again, and again and again, until I have nothing, and after that I will probably steal to keep up the fight.

From my experience I can tell you that if you are not well prepared, it is almost impossible to fight false allegations of child abuse. The only real defence is preparation - if I could go back in time (oh how many times I have wished), I would have hired a child psychologist and gone to monthly sessions with my kids - just so that I had a credible witness to my relationship with them.

That is my advise to any single fathers out there, if you want to cover your back and save your life and that of your kids from getting potentially torn apart, participate in regular sessions with a child psychologist. in my opinion this should really be law, ie that each separated parent (and kids) attend monthly sessions with a neutral psychologist, I am pretty sure this would weed out 99% of the false charges... and also detect any funny business going on as well...

Doubt that will happen though... too much easy money would be lost for the sharks.

reply to post by Skate


wrongfully accused and saying i am innocent
judge will give longer sentence as no regret for actions
exactly as system does not care about truth or justice

reply to post by Death_Kron


there are tribes (i forget where) where if you accuse someone of something, both accuser and accuse must reach into a pot of boiling oil and retrieve something at the bottom...with the belief that the one telling the truth will remain unharmed.

usually though, a confession on one side or the other ensues.

Originally posted by Death_Kron

I've been saying this for a while now, but unfortunately the judicial system favours women in all sex related cases.

Yes it's unfortunate.

For the rapists.

Originally posted by dolphinfan
reply to post by CynicalDrivel

 

Society thinks nothing of a woman slapping a man across the face and typically does not consider that abuse. Society has a totally different view of a man slapping a woman across the face and definately considers that abuse. Why is that?

Because the West has always been an oppressive matriarchy. Ignore the history books and focus on the racial history of the West(Remember our ancestors merely robbed the graves of the Romans/Ancient Greeks and civilizations of the east).

reply to post by Eirian


Not only is it sad how low some people will stoop in divorce cases and others involving false allegations, this reprehensible behavior has had an effect on many facets of society.

Many modern day men would not think to ask a younger person for directions if they are lost for fear of someone thinking the wrong thing and the resulting police involvement.

Even more single women with children suffer from other peoples poor behavior. I've seen many men comment online that they would never consider dating a woman with children because the possibility exists that if the woman was angered or felt she was wronged, the fellow could be falsely accused of several life-ruining taboos. Simply proving innocence is quite costly and the damage to personal reputation is permanent in many peoples eyes.

Meanwhile there are many wonderful ladies out there who may like to re-marry and have a good Dad figure for their children. With so many reported incidents in the news many fellows aren't willing to risk the chance.

To even think that someone would be so low as to make up such a disgusting lie. Pedophilia is one of the only things other than a select few other unmentionables that get me in a roar.

The woman who did this to the man should be sent in prison for wrongfully accusing the man, and malicious intent. I would have sued for Slander after the fact, if I was able to.

Originally posted by LargeFries
reply to post by Eirian

 

Not only is it sad how low some people will stoop in divorce cases and others involving false allegations, this reprehensible behavior has had an effect on many facets of society.

Many modern day men would not think to ask a younger person for directions if they are lost for fear of someone thinking the wrong thing and the resulting police involvement.

Even more single women with children suffer from other peoples poor behavior. I've seen many men comment online that they would never consider dating a woman with children because the possibility exists that if the woman was angered or felt she was wronged, the fellow could be falsely accused of several life-ruining taboos. Simply proving innocence is quite costly and the damage to personal reputation is permanent in many peoples eyes.

Meanwhile there are many wonderful ladies out there who may like to re-marry and have a good Dad figure for their children. With so many reported incidents in the news many fellows aren't willing to risk the chance.

After my divorce I dated a lot of women. Not initially, it was probably a year before I started dating. Since I had no experience in such things I did date several women with children. Of course it is exclusively women whom had divorced their husbands. I never came across any widowers.

My conclusion is "don't even remotely get serious with a divorcee with children". Many reasons for this but none of the women I came across could support themselves. In retrospect I believe they were much like my ex. They had wanted to punish the guy they had been with so they pushed for a divorce without thinking it through. Then they realized you had to do this thing called work. No, not part time because you felt like it but you had to actually be responsible for bills that came due every month. You can even soak a guy for child support and alimony but this won't take care of the bills. Most of these women came across as something different as the relationship progressed also. It usually had the air of "Marry me, help me out of the predicament I got myself into". I eventually did get married but it was not to a woman with children for a ready made family.

From what I saw it would take a sincere woman whom if she left her husband had done it for a good and sound reasons. Somebody who didn't act out of spite but who was rationally capable of dealing with the circumstances and financially responsible enough to do so.

This one bad thing!

I have a good friend who has a young boy(4) and a girl(6). three years ago he and his now ex-wife had serious trouble and HE went for a divorce. I dont know the exact reason why, neither does my friend but she accused him of molesting his little daughter (wich was nearly three years old back then) after that.

The evidence was a photo taken from him while sitting naked in the bathtube and holding his daughter above the water. Of course his little daughter was also naked while bathing. He won the case because of a psychologic attest about the mother having the munchhausener syndrom (its when you belief your own lies). She also said she saw him touching his little daughter between her legs and made a story of it. In truth he took care of his daughter because she was wound up down there because his little soiled the nappy and the mother, who was alone at home didn´t manage to replace the nappy in time. So he used cream to help her, no bad intentions. The good thing is I was with him when he came home and took the crying baby out of the bed, shouting at his wife why she dont even bother to look at her, and went straight into the bathroom to clean her up. So I was able to help him in the court (gerichtssaal?)

There was nothing done against his ex wife and since then the police showed up, I think four times by now, because there was a child missing near his location. They stated, they have him in the registers, guilty or not!

He once said to me, he will never be able to trust a women for that.

Originally posted by dolphinfan
And Mexicans are lazy

They take a break after a big lunch because they are from the tropics. We see them as lazy because their culture has them take a nap during some of our most productive hours.

Blonds are dumb

A lot of women dye their for the specific purpose of being allowed to act dumb and get away with it.

Asians sneaky

I thought that that was supposed to be a Jewish reference?

Irish are drunks

You know, all the alcoholics in my family are English/Irish descent--or else French? The oppressed are drunks--as in you escape when you have no hope. The Irish for many generations had no hope, and their drinking was often the result--to the point where we have the historical reference to "Irish are drunks". Those of Irish genetics can often hold more liquor-there's enough studies on that, as well as studies about Alcoholics generally can hold more liquor than those who are not--sooner or later, someone's going to put 2+2 together, even when it doesn't actually match up *shrugs*. My father was worried that I'd start using the phrase "Drunk Indian" because the Native Americans I ran into up north would either pass out in the snow from drinking, or wake up from being passed out long enough to take another swig of whiskey, then pass out again. There is a genetic tendency of having problems with Alcohol in the Native American population, something about how they process alcohol.

Blacks are all good atheletes

No, blacks are genetically predisposed to carry a lot less fat to muscle ratio--which works well for sports. Not saying that they can't be fat, by any means, just that they as a race tend carry more muscle under their fat than whites do. (And I don't even really believe in races. That's the best part!)

Your rash generalization about how men behave is outrageous.

Was not rash at all. There's far less damage in any given house to the drywall having holes punched in it due to a tantrum from a girl. If she's put holes, she has used a baseball bat to do it. Testosterone produces certain behaviors--and it is up to a man to control that tendency in himself.

Female against male domestic violence is massively under reported due to cultural norms

Of course. Go watch Beyond Scared Straight. Women in crimes don't tend to think that they will be punished.

"And yet, more than 200 survey-based studies show that domestic violence is just as likely to strike men as women. In fact, the overwhelming mass of evidence indicates that half of all domestic violence cases involve an exchange of blows and the remaining 50% is evenly split between men and women who are brutalized by their partners.

At the same time, how many women can actually strike with as much force as a guy? It's one thing to hit a guy, but it's another thing to feel like you're doing equal damage. That builds resentment.

Part of the reason that this problem is widely ignored lies in the notion that battered males are weak or unmanly. A good example of this is the Barry Williams case: Recently, the former Brady Bunch star sought a restraining order against his live-in girlfriend, who had hit him, stolen $29,000 from his bank account, attempted to kick and stab him and had repeatedly threatened his life."
www.dailyfinance.com...

It is a shame, simply a shame that this goes on.

Granted, men can cause more harm when they abuse, but to suggest that all men are likely to respond physically in a domestic conflict or that all women are passive in those conflicts, is simply wrong.

And as such was not what I meant at all. Tendencies are tendencies, not what you DO. Testosterone triggers fight, not flight. Women tend to go hulking she-bear only when you mess with their kids. And I don't necessarily agree that men do more damage--yes in a physical realm, they do, but the psychological realm is where a lot of women do damage. And no, I'm not excluding the isolationist behavior from a predator in this thought either.

Society thinks nothing of a woman slapping a man across the face and typically does not consider that abuse. Society has a totally different view of a man slapping a woman across the face and definately considers that abuse. Why is that?

My dad punched a man for cutting him with a razor blade and the man's sinus cavaties collapsed. My mom does that, and all she leaves is maybe a cracked bone--and this is a woman who can dead-curl more than 60 pounds after years of not weightlifting. While it is not right for a woman to hit a man nay more than it is for the man to hit the woman, the direct effect of the woman's actions are plain not as severe. If her slap doesn't leave a mark, like the cops care. Men have to hold back to prevent the damage from showing

Now, I know in my parish the cops are on the lookout for women who beat up men pr are pedophiles because they achingly WANT to prosecute women for the crimes a man gets punished for. I get that information from my cop buddies, so I tend to believe them.

Oh, and blame romance novels for the "Calgon, take me away!" behavior in some women with kids. (Hey, saying that after getting through 3 of 5 that were bought for me for my birthday this past week.)

I have no problem with people who bring false charges being charged for it.

Conviction should be as usual - that the charge is proven without any doubt.

I see these sites, and the anti-female sites, that ANY woman who cannot PROVE her charge should be punished for bringing the charge. That I find disgusting.

Only for women though. If some guy brings a charge against someone for any other crime and it isn't proven...well that's that. In these people's estimation, all things being equal, should believe that someone who can't prove that someone hit a car or punched them in the bar should be punished for making the claim at all.

If it can be PROVEN beyond a reasonable doubt, I agree.

However, most of the time these threads descend into an all out I-Hate-Women fest claiming that all women making any claim against any man should be punished unless her charges are proven. That's ridiculous.