My positivity only generates itself after a long period of work, I collect a series of lessons after each negative encounter or situation, and it
builds upon my core being - It is good to feel high, it feels like even the most difficult issue can be simply whisked away, I forget how frustrating
a prior problem was as if all the dust clears away to reveal the simple truth.
Although I do fall, and the confusion recurs, I travel back into my subconsciousness and iron out the creaces in my constitution.
After each session I build upon my current study, for example, in my mind I attempt to model human behaviour and each time I learn something about
myself, I add a new strand of inquiry and also confirm various hypotheses that were born from previous inquiries.
I can basically observe all interactions and essentially know how and why those actions occur and how, in the scale of the equilibrium of forces, the
particular action finds its place.
When I "drop out" it is due to a recurring mistake, simple choices and lapses in consciousness, although, the main issue is this lingering feeling or
missing something, a resonant fear, for me personally, a fear of being accused and a conflicting fear of the inadvertent negativity of my own actions
and additionally the polarised and disharmonious nature of this reality.
Recently, I feel as if I have to go back in time to correct my mistakes, like the movie "Groundhog Day" I have to revisit those experiences and
re-live them until I find the equilibrium solution - at the moment, I have a sinking sensation, a desolate abyss, as if I was standing on a mountain,
unable to remember if I had left someone behind or if I had decided to climb it on my own.
edit on 28-7-2011 by SystemResistor because: (no