Have You and Your Spouse Become Roommates ?, page 6

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ATS Members have flagged this thread 10 times

reply posted on 10-3-2011 @ 11:36 AM by thedevos1

reply to post by meathed

lol.....very true sir.

But the main finacial arguements we have is mostly about the cost of living and other basic needs.
Her mum is struggling and we also help her with rent.
Which pisses me off because we are now on a sinking ship.

But anyways thanks for the reply yesterday was my 8year anniversary...i'll wait for 10 till iask the big question.

Give her an onion ring because that's all i can afford .

reply posted on 19-3-2011 @ 01:38 AM by type0civ

But in my eyes he is the perfect man when i have time i will post about my life with my husband its been a wild ride but i have nothing but pure respect for this man i will do anything to keep my marriage from becomeing the perfect room mate

reply to post by sugarcookie1

That's probably the kindest thing I've heard any say of their spouse.

You know, I recall when my marriage was all but failed, I had read that people come to expect their spouse to "make them happy", somehow forgetting in the beginning when it was good they were actually trying to make the other one happy. We become selfish.

reply posted on 19-3-2011 @ 05:54 PM by sugarcookie1

Originally posted by type0civ

But in my eyes he is the perfect man when i have time i will post about my life with my husband its been a wild ride but i have nothing but pure respect for this man i will do anything to keep my marriage from becomeing the perfect room mate

reply to post by sugarcookie1

That's probably the kindest thing I've heard any say of their spouse.

You know, I recall when my marriage was all but failed, I had read that people come to expect their spouse to "make them happy", somehow forgetting in the beginning when it was good they were actually trying to make the other one happy. We become selfish.

Thank for the reply type0civ..I just think respect should be shown to all people but most to my husband from me he has stood by me through thick and thin but as i said its not all sunshine and roses we have our spats..but that's a thought we have become selfish .. I dont know what others think about that idea id like to hear there point of view on
(We become selfish)~~cookie

reply posted on 4-5-2011 @ 10:13 AM by sunqueen30

I've been with my partner on/off for the last 8 years. On for the last 2 1/2. There was a time when my partner was taking medication and we somehow ended up living as roommate for quite a while. The odd thing was that we actually became closer.

We learned to accept one another without judgement or expectations. Being able to accept my partner's issues without feeling less of a woman has helped me become more self assured in the long run. I think showing my partner how devoted I was without nagging or making it about me gave him a deeper appreciation of me as a person. He has never treated me better. It set a new precedent of total acceptance and comraderie.

In that year, we learned to be playful all the time, dance in the shower, find enjoyment in eachother's interests, talk for hours about everything, laugh and sing all day long. It brought us back to how it was in the beginning. When we couldn't get enough of being around each other. So, yes, we became roommates, and best friends as a result.

I think we forget to be friends when we fall in love. Being so vulnerable is scary and we become controlling to avoid being hurt. We start seeing our partner in terms of what we need to feel safe and forget about the individual we fell in love with . Our stint as roommates reminded us why we haven't been able to stay away from eachother for 8 yrs. It helped us remove all the baggage and just be 2 people who really enjoy eachother, period. I hope this helps.

edit on 4-5-2011 by sunqueen30 because: (no reason given)

reply posted on 5-5-2011 @ 06:40 AM by Evilene

reply to post by sugarcookie1

I have been married for 18 years with my best friend. After some trouble over the years we agreed to just respect each other, just the way we are. Passion comes and goes, but marriage for me, is first and foremost teamwork. If you agree that you prefer to grow old together rather then alone, it's amazing what you can accept from each other.

reply posted on 5-5-2011 @ 01:36 PM by sugarcookie1

Originally posted by sunqueen30
I've been with my partner on/off for the last 8 years. On for the last 2 1/2. There was a time when my partner was taking medication and we somehow ended up living as roommate for quite a while. The odd thing was that we actually became closer.

We learned to accept one another without judgement or expectations. Being able to accept my partner's issues without feeling less of a woman has helped me become more self assured in the long run. I think showing my partner how devoted I was without nagging or making it about me gave him a deeper appreciation of me as a person. He has never treated me better. It set a new precedent of total acceptance and comraderie.

In that year, we learned to be playful all the time, dance in the shower, find enjoyment in eachother's interests, talk for hours about everything, laugh and sing all day long. It brought us back to how it was in the beginning. When we couldn't get enough of being around each other. So, yes, we became roommates, and best friends as a result.

I think we forget to be friends when we fall in love. Being so vulnerable is scary and we become controlling to avoid being hurt. We start seeing our partner in terms of what we need to feel safe and forget about the individual we fell in love with . Our stint as roommates reminded us why we haven't been able to stay away from eachother for 8 yrs. It helped us remove all the baggage and just be 2 people who really enjoy eachother, period. I hope this helps.
edit on 4-5-2011 by sunqueen30 because: (no reason given)

Thank you for your wonderful reply..Im glad you got back to what you had sometimes it takes something to happen in a marriage to turn it around and you sound so happy!

reply posted on 5-5-2011 @ 01:49 PM by sugarcookie1

Originally posted by Evilene
reply to post by sugarcookie1

I have been married for 18 years with my best friend. After some trouble over the years we agreed to just respect each other, just the way we are. Passion comes and goes, but marriage for me, is first and foremost teamwork. If you agree that you prefer to grow old together rather then alone, it's amazing what you can accept from each other.

Hello Evilene
18 years is a long time and thats how i look at my husband he is my best friend and i respect him..and passion does come and go i agree..And it is amazing what you can accept from each other id rather be roomates then be alone ive learned alot from what people have posted here and thank you so much for your post

reply posted on 9-5-2011 @ 12:23 PM by sunqueen30

reply to post by sugarcookie1

Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Yes, I am very happy. Grateful everyday for every bit of pleasure I can squeeze out of life. I wish with all my heart that everyone had an abundance of happiness and love. I know I am a better person when my home is stable and happy. I try to remind myself of that when people say and do terrible things.

As far as the topic goes, it's all about perspective and respect for another's inherent right to be an individual. Once those two things are straight, satisfaction in your relationship skyrockets for all involved.

reply posted on 30-3-2012 @ 03:35 AM by sugarcookie1

edit on 30-3-2012 by sugarcookie1 because: wrong thread

reply posted on 30-3-2012 @ 06:20 AM by Taupin Desciple

Have You and Your Spouse Become Roommates ?

Originally posted by sugarcookie1

How many in here have this going on in there marriages where they have become the perfect room mates and why? what went wrong?

I wouldn't call us the perfect roommates, but yeah, that's where we're at. Me at least. The other one refuses to see it that way. She knows how I feel about where the marriage is at, she's not stupid, she just refuses to accept it.

She knows that I feel I have to leave for my own peace of mind and personal growth so, excuse me for being so blunt, she “puts out” in the hopes that that will be enough to keep me around. The thing too is this. The finances right now are such to where it's difficult for me to leave. I could be a prick about it all and leave her in lurch when it comes to the bills, but she's going to have our daughter with her. Her mom could pick up that slack as she has more than enogh money to do so, but something about doing it that way just doesn't feel right to me somehow. I'm thinking of my daughter here. I simply have to bite the bullet, keep my expenses much lower than normal until I have enough saved up to make the move.

I hate to do it this way because on one level it might look like I'm using her for shelter and sex. I'm not. I am paying some bills after all and helping keep food in the house. It's a fine line I'm walking here and I'm doing the best I can. She's a clinger and even though I don't love her the way she feels that she loves me, I don't hate her either. I know she's going to hurt when it all comes down, I guess I'm just trying to soften the blow a bit by easing my way out of it all. She's a clinger. She's holding onto someone who's letting go.

She simply doesn't understand why I feel the way I do. Again, she's not stupid when it comes to the feelings in a relationship it's just that some peoples' level of understanding is different than others. Another in a long line of cases in point showing how we've grown apart. My level of understanding has never been on her level, it's just that during the past year I've grown tired of not usng everything I have.

Part of all this is my fault, I'll admit. I knew when we first got together 15 years ago that she wasn't the perfect match. She knew that too. We just didn't care is all. Now I do but she still doesn't simply because she doesn't have it in her to rise to my level. It's not that I think I'm better than her, we're just different on a level that doesn't make us compatible.

I guess that's the part that can best answer the question “what went wrong”. Do I feel like I'm living a lie? No. She knows how I feel. It isn't discussed anymore because it hurts her too much. But it's right there under the surface everyday. You can see it and feel it. We go about our business of living the best we can with that cloud over us. Hopefully, when the time comes soon that the financials are ironed out to where it's easy for both of us when I leave, she'll be on the same level I am emotionally about the break-up.

I hope this clears up a few misunderstandings that some people may have about what I'm doing right now. I just don't want anyone to be hurt. Anyone.

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reply posted on 30-3-2012 @ 06:47 AM by Benevolent Heretic

Originally posted by Taupin Desciple
She knows how I feel. It isn't discussed anymore because it hurts her too much. But it's right there under the surface everyday. You can see it and feel it. We go about our business of living the best we can with that cloud over us.

This is so sad... And I can't imagine the stress she lives under, knowing you don't feel the same way she does, but denying it to keep hold of the "dream" of a great relationship... I just find it very sad for both of you. I'm sorry for your situation. My heart goes out to you both.

reply to post by sugarcookie1

My husband and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary this year. It's the first one we'll be 'celebrating', as we don't normally do that sort of thing, but this year means a lot to us.

We have" become roommates" in one way, I guess... We each have our own bedroom. But that's only because we like to sleep in different kinds of beds and after all these years, find it more comfortable to sleep apart. But in every other way, we're closer than when we married. We've worked HARD for those 20 years to have what we have now, though. There were many times we were tempted to give up on it, but now that we're here, I'm sure glad we didn't! Because it's pretty easy now. All the groundwork we've done on ourselves has resulted in a fantastic and whole relationship, not just with each other, but with ourselves.

reply posted on 30-3-2012 @ 10:34 AM by Taupin Desciple

Originally posted by Benevolent Heretic

Originally posted by Taupin Desciple
She knows how I feel. It isn't discussed anymore because it hurts her too much. But it's right there under the surface everyday. You can see it and feel it. We go about our business of living the best we can with that cloud over us.

This is so sad... And I can't imagine the stress she lives under, knowing you don't feel the same way she does, but denying it to keep hold of the "dream" of a great relationship... I just find it very sad for both of you. I'm sorry for your situation. My heart goes out to you both.