I like where this is going

Lot's of potential here
If I could offer one bit of constructive criticism, take it or leave it, I would suggest maybe using less lyrics - I can obviously tell you enjoy your
music...I love Guns'N Roses too - but sometimes just suggesting the song itself can have more of an impact on the reader than singing it out for
them
But in contrast, I like the way you opened up with fluctuating lines of narration and lyrics
Regardless....looking forward to more