Okay I am reluctant to ask this question but here goes…

I will not get too personal whilst explaining this but I will give enough information so that you can best help me analyze this and maybe tell me what exactly my problem is. I tried looking it up and the only results I ever get are a commitment problem, but this is not about just romantic relationships but really any sort of relationship whether it be friends, etc…

Throughout my life I have never liked talking on the telephone to anyone other than of course my mom, sister, father, aunt, etc… Pretty much anyone I am related too and very close with. I always assumed “well I just don’t like to talk on telephone, it’s a little strange but no big deal”. But now I can tell it is going further than that, I can see that and I do not like it but I just feel so strongly that way.

I have this friend on another chatroom outside of ATS, so we are good friends and always talk inside the chatroom with no problem among the other members. However she told me earlier that she wants me to add her on Facebook so we can talk, just me and her. At first I was “well that’s okay, she’s a good friend” but then I thought about it and suddenly I just got this feeling like “absolutely not, no, I don’t want to add her on FB”.

Why can’t we just continue talking in the chatroom like we always have? I do not want to talk to her privately because what if she wants to take it further than just internet chatting? What if she wants to meet up or something like that? It just completely pushed me away from this idea. It’s not that I don’t like her as a really good friend or anything like that but I just don’t want it to go any further than just the chatroom.

Sure I know it sounds like no big deal but this is what ALWAYS happens whenever I talk to internet friends, just the entire idea of me having to fully indulge into a personal non-public friendship is just beyond what I want. That is what I do not understand though!

I feel like if we become more than just internet friends in a public space then it will be like I have some sort of commitment to that person. I am completely repulsed by the idea of that. If I want to just leave from that person it will not be hard because I will not know them too personally and can just never return to that website again. But if we become friends it feels like I am tied down against my will to that person and I do not feel comfortable with that responsibility one bit.

I hope I explained it enough. That is why I will never give anyone my personal information like phone number or anything, because then I feel an obligation to that person and that makes me uncomfortable. I have no problem going around with people in public areas but any close friendship, anything too personal and I just want to run away.

It makes me worry about my future though. How could I ever have any serious relationships if I am too afraid of even having a private Facebook friendship with someone?! I do not want to be alone my whole life with no close friends or anyone close to me.

So what is my problem? Am I just very irresponsible? Am I scared of responsibility or commitment? What is my problem?!

Thanks ATS’ers for taking the time out to help me with my problems.

I have to ask whether you've had a bad experience from meeting someone off the interent before.

Talking to someone over the internet has an anonymity to it, which is erroded to a certain extent when speaking to them on the phone. When speaking on the phone you can hear their voice and the particular ways things are said.

reply to post by Misoir


It kinda sounds like you are very compartmentalized; you have special relationships that you feel comfy with in only certain settings. That's not abnormal by any means.

We have "work" friends that we are glad to see at work, but might not be comfortable socializing with on the weekend. We have personal friends that it might be awkward seeing at work. We have family and are comfy or not seeing them in certain settings.

My advice for what it is worth, is maybe trying to cross this into say facebook or just talk with on the phone, and see what happens.

reply to post by Kram09


No, never any bad experiences related to the internet.

Not to sound rude, but you have a link to your Facebook and Myspace in your signature....

Originally posted by KatieVA
Not to sound rude, but you have a link to your Facebook and Myspace in your signature....

Yeah I know, I don't care if people do add me on FB so long as it's not to be too personal such as like private message etc... I have lots of people on my FB, just never talk to them.

Hope you understand what I mean.

Agree with the above; there is an "anonymity" to forums and like social media.I f you really put your foot in your mouth and embarrass yourself socially;it leaves the option of closing that door and never going back ( this is not "real life"). Life is not like that at all ; real life takes courage and respect for othersand ( hard won ) self confidence to believe in yourself.
"Wish" I had more; but you don't get it by "wishing", you get it by throwing yourself into that boiling pot and "doing".
goodluck

i know what you mean...

its funny..as more you just wanna chat so more they want more...

i think its more horrible when you are a women and chatting to men....

you also have to keep in mind...its very hard nowadays to find a men to have a good talk next to all the other stuff

many women still surprised when a men show that he can talk

reply to post by 46ACE


I understand what you mean, I think. I have a problem when I feel that people are getting too close. It's not a conscious thing, I like people and I like having people like me but I guess I want it on my terms and for some reason "my terms" include not getting too close.

I have had previous bad experiences when people who I thought were my friends showed quite clearly that they were'nt.

But I know just because one bunch of people were arseholes that doesn't mean all are yet I still want to keep some distance.

Also I hate talking on the phone. I do it but hate the fact that I've lost body language signals and facial expressions.

Guess we're the way we are.

it's not weird...in fact i am almost the same way. with me it's more of laziness and self-centeredness. i just don't have time for other people. mainly i just don't have time to listen to other peoples problems. people complain a lot...i do it..hell i complain enough for 10 people...so i don't find it necessary to listen to others. it might sound terrible but unless someones has a piece of information i need or can learn from then i don't bother.

im not mean..im not rude...i just know that for the most part people are annoying and i don't have the time to waste

You just like your personal space and that's fine. I think you will know inside when or if you want to get closer to a person. It is best to have a few close friendships that are true and rewarding, than to have many that are superficial and drain you.

reply to post by Misoir

So what is my problem? Am I just very irresponsible? Am I scared of responsibility or commitment? What is my problem?!

Thanks ATS’ers for taking the time out to help me with my problems

Misoir, you know the answer to this question. You do know, I promise you do.
Just think about it.

When i started reading your post, op, you sounded like me. I hate discussing things over phone, since one cannot see the bodylanguage while speaking. I find speaking different from chatting/texting, so with that i have no problem.

I also do not feel obligated to anything, just because i add someone on my fb friends or give them my phone number. The only thing that concerns me is the privacy aspects.

It's not just a fear of commitment...it's a fear of intimacy.

That seems to be your hangup.

Just the two of you chatting is more intimate, and it scares you to death. Here's the thing though, without intimacy, you're never going to experience the joys of a strong relationship. But, that may be ok for you, right now. Only YOU can make that decision...and the best thing you can do, is be HONEST with others if you shut out that intimacy, when it's desired.

But first, you have to be honest with yourself, and recognize the problem. (or, for you it may not seem a problem, though your post suggests otherwise). I should tell that it's ok, and it's natural. Whether you've never had a deep relationship before, or you did, and were burned by it, a fear of intimacy can always be the result. And no, this doesn't mean a fear of sex, it means a fear of letting down your guard, dropping your facade you present to the world, and really letting someone "in".....

hate discussing things over phone, since one cannot see the bodylanguage while speaking. I find speaking different from chatting/texting, so with that i have no problem.

Nah, that's not it then. If body language were the problem, you'd have the same hangups for chatting. You're BS'ing yourself. On the phone, you can't delete what you typed, or proof it before it spills out...so it's the intimacy that is getting you, just as it is the OP).

Good luck friends.

If you don't want to add me on Facebook then you dont have to !!! Geeeez !!


" Stella runs away flailing his arms" .


Srsly though MIs, .... i think this is just a pre-disaster "Fear" response.

You automaticaly assume it's going to end badly, .... so you would rather not take the chance and let it get so far.

Nothing risked is nothing earned.

Hmm you just described yourself as a lot like I used to be a few years ago.

How are you with meeting people in real life? going to parties? giving speeches in front of a audience?

Mis my friend, IMHO how well do you know this person that is the question you should ask your self for all you know this person could be a 35 yr old man in his mothers basement (insert perverted phrase here). Just be careful is all

reply to post by Gazrok


You know Gazrok that has to be the best elaborated description of my thoughts that I have ever had any present to me. I think you might just be correct in that analogy. Whenever I think of intimacy I think of well the very personal meaning of the word instead of what the true definition of the word is which could encompass friends, family, acquaintances, etc…

Well I already know I have a Social Phobia and that’s why I just prefer spending my time on the internet, along with a fear of rejection which I have had my entire life since I can remember. But this apparent fear of intimacy has only appeared within the past 3 years. This was definitely not caused by any relationship issues/trust issues. I have no true idea what caused it.

I know that my list of problems include Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social phobia, and now apparently fear of intimacy. Great…

Well my assumption is that the only way to eradicate this fear is through therapy… I hate therapy so much…

Thank you though Gazrok, I will have to do further reading on this issue.

Originally posted by davespanners
Hmm you just described yourself as a lot like I used to be a few years ago.

I’m so sorry for the former you.

How are you with meeting people in real life?

Don't ask............... Yes that bad. I generally try and avoid that the best I can. I have always been told I look mad, maybe that is just what I developed to keep people away and it stuck? I am not mad everyone just says look mad.

going to parties?

Oh I don't do that.

giving speeches in front of a audience?

I never actually gave a speech larger than reading a report in a Middle School classroom, but even then it was extremely uncomfortable.

It sounds very much to me like you have either social phobia or social anxiety disorder, I had it really badly for years of my life, it effected my work life, my social life, relationships, I would never phone anyone or even pick up the phone if people called me.

I have it a lot less now, in fact I don't even notice it at all any more, I'm afraid the way I cure it though was through medication, not a popular thing to do on ATS I know, I started taking citalopram (a serotonin re uptake inhibitor) for depression and noticed that my social phobia completely disappeared with it, I hadn't even talked to the doctor about the social phobia as at the time I didn't even recognise what it was and just thought that it was part of my personality. I certainly wouldn't have even posted on ATS if I was as bad as I was for about 2 decades of my life

If you don't want to take medication, which I understand many people don;t then Cognitive behaviour therapy is supposed to work well for it as well.

It is a cliche but one of the most important things in dealing with any of these kinds of things is recognizing that you have something that you are unhappy about and deciding to deal with it which you seem to be doing

Lots of people on here will tell you that Citalopram / Celexa and all medication is evil and causes nothing but bad things, my experience with it however has been 100% positive it doesn't suit everyone though.