Can Angry Men Change for Good??? - Advice needed...

Hi,

I am at my witts end and was hoping for advice from the lovely people at BTS...

I was with my partner for 11 yrs till i had enough of his anger issues. I mean - he was always angry and whatever i did, looked like, or cooked was ever good enough and eventually the anger turned emotional & verbally destructive - and towards the end he raised his hand at me too but admittedly only twice and nothing very serious.

I then wanted out - and i met someone at work who treated me well and was Nice. I then left my relationship of 11 years and continued to see the other guy. But now that things are over between me and my ex partner, he has been professing change and promises to keep his anger under control. he even started being the nice guy i always had wished for. He now wants me to come home and commit to him fully and wants us to get married.

But I am now split and not sure whether to believe him. My question is, do angry men ever change for the better? Am i deluding myself if i go back to him?

Some advice would be great....

I used to be a real A-hole but am not any more. Some people can and do change. All it takes is a conscious effort to do so. That said, you might be walking right into the same old thing again. I've had friends in the same situation and they found out that ex is ex for a reason. Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

reply to post by 04326


Yes, people can and do change, BUT someone with anger issues usually need help in learning how to control and cope with there anger in a constructive way. I would be real cautious about jumping back into that relationship without knowing they got some help with the anger. Then I would make him prove it. Words are a dime a dozen, babe, but actions scream or in your case they can hurt. If he has not sought help, then I would not even bother with him. Be careful and good luck.

With the right counselling, people are able to change. Personally I wouldnt believe someone if they claim to have changed quickly, or alone. It takes a lot of hard work for someone to alter such a strong emotion. Im not saying he hasnt changed, but I would be wary of wether he is telling the truth or not

Don't marry him unless he shows that he has changed, give it at least almost a year, maybe more. If he gets upset about this, you'll know he still has a lot of work to do on himself. From what I've seen in relationships such as this, most don't change unless the partner is also a different partner, or the same issues come up. If he still gets upset over the same issues, it's very telling. Especially if he already raised/used his hand toward you. If someone hits once, they will often hit harder the next time. I know this from past experience. Never again.

If you give him another chance, keep your guard up and get out at the first sign of anger. He doesn't need to just "control" his anger, the anger should NOT be there in the first place. Things like this that are just "controlled" , sometimes blow up big, and you will likely be the one who gets hurt, probably physically.

Be Careful, please....

Oh noes!

Always remember....

Women go into relationships hoping their man will change (listens to her, talks to her, does the dishes, loses the beer belly); Men go into relationships hoping she never does (please don't put on 50lbs).

Don't try and change people.

This is the thing angry men can and do change, but if I were you I'd go slow and since you have history would insist on a little bit of counseling. When a man that really does care about a woman can and will change if things fall apart, sometimes that is all the trigger they need to realize they cannot afford to make those mistakes again. But it is not an easy thing to conquer that inner anger, and really it does take a lot of self examination to figure out what it is that causes it.

I say give the guy a chance, but explain to him it has to be done in a controlled way or it is no go. Besides seeing a counselor would not be such a bad thing for either of you, and it will give you some idea on how much effort he is really willing to make to show you he is trying to deal with the issue.

reply to post by 04326


yea i used to be a pretty flaming bastard in my day...well i'm pretty young so by 'my day' i mean about 3-4 years ago. people do change, usually they just have to learn from mistakes. then again, i have a conscious and always felt bad while i was an a-hole and eventually that sparked the change. i can't speak for someone without a conscious.

i don't think counseling helps. i had to do counseling once and just resented it and told the therapist exactly what she wanted to hear until i got out in 3 weeks. people have to look at themselves and realize they don't like what they see AND realize they have the power to change.

its a purely internal thing. i dont' believe external factors can change someone without that ciritcal internal spark.

reply to post by snusfanatic


Counseling works but you have to one want to change, and two be willing to hear what you do not want to hear about yourself. You went in and saw it as a means to an ends without being committed to the process. This is why court ordered rehab, anger management and other help doesn't really help most people. They see it as a punishment and requirement rather than a hand to help.

reply to post by 04326


Don't rush to marriage, but if you feel he has changed, and you have those feelings for him, might as well give the relationship a shot, with the understanding that he's on "probation" so to speak...to see if he really has changed, or if it's all an act.

No need to commit though, to marriage to test this out.