Ask yourself why.

I'm a 2 year member of ATS...I've made endless posts and threads. That being stated.....

I've tried to have normalcy. I have been with my current (woman, i usually refer to her as wife even though we aren't actually married)for over 10 years. We recently had a daughter who just turned a year old.

When she was born, it was the greatest spectacle of my life. I don't know if I can even put it into words. I was practically glowing at the time.

But now things are changing. My mother died when I was 13 years old from suicide, and my father seems to show little interest in seeing his granddaughter.

It's made me bitter.

Not only will my absolutely beautiful daughter never meet her "real" grandmother, her grandfather doesn't seem to give a damn.

The kicker is, my brother's son lives with my parents....and is treated like a son...yet my daughter is treated like nothing. She wouldn't exist to them if I didn't bring them up.

For as long as I've been alive, in my mind there has always been ONE PURPOSE in life.

To raise a kid and hope they grow to be a better person than you became.

What other reason is there to live? To have junk? NO.

It's to have a little someone looking up to...depending on you for their survival. It's your continuance as piece of what u are.

The birth of my daughter has changed me so drastically....which is very apparent in my posts....that people think I'm fake.

I'm not fake. I just care. I think about someone else with kids.

WON'T THEY DO WHATEVER IT IS THEY FEEL THEY HAVE TO DO TO TAKE OF THEIR CHILDREN?

This is why I've grown so angry at so many of the posters here. Your words often coincide with "F it".

So please, tell me, why don't u care?

[edit on 27-8-2010 by David9176]

I was directed to watch a show called Dr.Phil last week.. I've never seen it before... and on it he was talking about Commando Parenting.

There were mom and dad plus two teenage daughters who rule the home and had everything they wanted via dishonesty and manipulation.. and only because the parents don't want to see their kids unhappy.

His advice to the dad was simple..

Your job is not to go to work and leave your wife to handle the kids. Your job is to insure you raise these two to be balanced, healthy and effective human adults in the world they go into. If you have to quit your job, sell your nice home and move to an isolated area then that is what you HAVE to do to straighten these girls out.

I've often told my teenage daughter that I won't allow her to be like the majority of girls she sees around school and in town. They are only doing what they do because their parents do not Love Them Enough to go the hard yards with them.

An old idea but one that is missed so often in the past 30 years due to the Bleeding-Heart Society's disempowerment of Parents is... "Spare the rod and spoil the child."

It does not say, don't smack your kids (the Rod) but spoil them instead... which is hwat has been happening for 30 plus years.

It does say, Ïf you don't use the rod you will spoil the kids.... like bad apples are spoiled.

What that tells me is we have to use Tough Love when needed and Soft Love when required at all other times. As long as it is powered by the Love for your children, then you should be okay... but don't give them everything all the time without them earning any of it.

oops, I may have drifted off topic there

Some people do not have a soul,and cannot show equal love! Specially if they cant show kindness for a child!

The best and only thing you can do is show them how to grow up and not grow away.

We sometimes look for that perfect script to be played out in and around our lives, and it wont happen, it will never happen.

Focus on being the best YOU, doing the best YOU can do.
Be of service, be true, be honest even in a world of liars.
Contribute before you consume.
Stop looking for a reason for others hate and fear, you'll miss way too much love and happiness along the way.
Be tender enough to nurture and care.
Be strong and ready to defend and protect.

Find and stay focused on YOUR reason and dont let others take you off point.

You've got a dozen marbles in your hand, not just one.
The ride is rough.
Focus equally.
Should one marble fall and roll away, you've got 11 remaining that still need your care.

Too many people focus on only one marble and neglect the other 11.

It is such a hard lesson to learn that you are not properly connected to your Family and holding such projections on them is not worth it; on ATS members either.

You need to find your Soul Family, those that are more than willing to include you, your "woman", and the child as members of their Family. Call them extended Families if you will. Out there is a World of Grandma's and a World of Grandpa's who are missing their own opportunities for Family! (this is partly because we put them in old folks homes or devalue their abilities)

There is so much dysfunction to the description of your upbringing and your "ideals" of Family. It is time to release yourself from them completely, even the brother and the his kid. Leave that door open but release them!

It is also time to make a bit more commitment in your own relationship! What is up with this unconventional marriage? You don't have to have a traditional wedding but you should try your best at some semblance of a traditional Family and frankly this includes Marriage. Our Future depends upon the Value of Family!

Commit or cut loose, are you ready to run? You sound like this is a dream come true but your hurting and I don't equate hurting and dreams together. This is not a time for "look at me, my turn for Nurturing", because your significant other does look to you and your child will always look to you as long as you can cope. This isn't about raising someone to be better than yourself because this is about raising yourself enough to be a great role-model and a mentor, as well as a great husband!

Unless you really are further removed from mainstream ideals then I am not getting this post and what you would like to get from it. You want to have a more "traditional" setting right? You mentioned you have been striving for "normalcy". It is normal to have Traditional Family Values! They not only work but they can be functional, at times!

I got to tell you, I am in a 22-year relationship and I am married for all intents and purposes on commitment. I do not have anything legal on my behalf but that is only because it is illegal for me to be married. I do not have children because we are both men. However, it does not mean I do not hold the value of Family any less and it does not mean I do not value commitment any less. I only know that as a 23-year-old man I was not done being raised but there were no mentors for me. Not in my own community nor in my own Family. I and my partner raised each other into manhood and through that we realized the purpose of the traditional roles and idealisms. Sounds confusing but it is not, it is simply committing to you and your ability to be better than you are! The child has her entire life ahead of her why muck it up for her already!

I am hoping this did not sound condescending or judging, I am thinking of you as "a boy with a child" since this is your first really big commitment. I even will dare to say that emotionally you are still that 13-year-old who lost his mom to such a devastatingly selfish act. It is time to forgive yourself! It is time to honor your mom through forgiveness, honor your partner by "stepping up", and by honoring your daughter by forgiving yourself. You can open to true Happiness when the pain has been release! Reach into your Soul and find that boy, find that 13-year-old and be the Man your dad never could be.

It is up to you to be the dominate force in providing a lifetime commitment to Love and Nurturing. Anyone less than deserving should be ushered out quickly, such as the old Granddad and the brother.

It is also a valuable lesson to learn that there are energies within others that are willing to go the full mile with you. Many might even be here on ATS but more importantly they are nearby physically. You only need to open that door to your life and invite them in.

It is time to Step Up. So here is a great Hug from me! You deserve the best that life has to offer! Once you begin to commit you will find that it radiates outward and becomes something wonderful! Don't forget that 13-year-old boy, he needs you more than ever now; as imaginary as it might seem to think of him he is still there within you, you only need to reach out to him within and love him! He didn't do anything wrong!

off-topic: I do not believe in Gay Marriage. I believe it is a way for very angry people to throw it in the face of Religion and the Catholic Church. I do believe in Civil Unions. I find the legality is the question not the faithfulness to Spirit!

reply to post by David9176

Not only will my absolutely beautiful daughter never meet her "real"
grandmother, her grandfather doesn't seem to give a damn.

So you're angry because somebody else isn't living up to your expectations?

Sounds like a recipe for unhappiness to me.

For as long as I've been alive, in my mind there has
always been ONE PURPOSE in life.

To raise a kid

I see. So then, according your beliefs, someone who does not have children serves no purpose in life?

Do you see how applying your own worldview on others can have unpleasant implications? Do you see how people might be resentful over this idea that they have no value? "Oh...but of course those people have value" you might reply. "That's not what I really mean," you might say. But it does seem to be what you're saying. And even if you justify it in polite conversation, if you really belive that the "one purpose in life" is to raise children, do you see how this might tend to create conflict between yourself and people who don't feel the same?

Is it any surprise that these people aren't interested in your children? Why should they be? They're unlikely to ever share your enthusiasm. And if you feed them a ration of guilt over it, that's simply going to further alienate them.

The birth of my daughter has changed me so drastically

Many people don't share that experience.

Is it reasonable for you to expect people to feel the way you do now, when you yourself didn't feel this way until you had a daughter?

[edit on 28-8-2010 by LordBucket]

You have to live for what you have. Your current family. You cannot be unhappy because you cannot get someone to think that what you think is important to be important to them.

Its their loss. Your job is to make sure that as you raise your daughter, you do not do to her, what has been done to you. If that happens to be feeling abandoned, then be sure that you never do that to her.

The "traditional" family has been lost for a very long time, and sometimes "traditional" families are looked at as weird. Traditional in my eyes, means love, compassion, and understanding. And I don't care if your what society would call "non traditional" its no ones business, as long as you do whats right for you and yours.

I never had a family, until I made one of my own. I make sure everyday that I will not rely on others to show my kids what it means to be family, because thats my job.

Now "my family" has its own traditions, and love and a sense of family, that even if my so called family came along, they would be irrelevant. No one can every tell my kids what it means to be family, or act as if they have family, because thats ALL they know.

SO, brush this off, this is nothing but a small insignificant dent in your life, and be thankful that your daughter is not old enough to see or feel your pain. Stand up, for your wife and child.

BTW, be sure to tell your wife that this is something that you both can over look, and how it will make you both stronger in the end.

Good luck to you and "your" family.

Peace, NRE.