Me or Her... confused as all f#@k

Ok firstly i've been sitting on this for a few days now and i decided to come to bts to help me with this one. I like to think i am good with relationships and women but i guess we all get a little confused... and excuse me if this sounds like Springer but my life seems to have alot of these wierd 'TV' like scenarios (maybe its the specialasianX show)

Anyways... theres this girl i've was best friends with in senior high. I had a huge crush on her then (basically guy likes girl, girl doesnt like guy, just wants to be friends) and she knew i did and was always cool about it. We had hooked up a couple of times then but it was never anything more than a kiss and we were always pretty drunk... we drifted apart for a while and in the last few months we've been hanging out again. I recently found out she's actually in a lesbian relationship right now. On the weekend she came to mine and kept wanting to drive my car (she's unlicensed) and didnt want other people coming coz she didnt want to hurt them if she crashed (or so she said). We parked the car to hve a ciggarette and she turns to me and tells me to kiss her... which i willingly obliged to (she's hot and i figured it was like the old days, except we werent drunk)... later on that night we snuck out again and ended up having sex. She didnt want my friends to know coz they all have big mouths and she doesnt want her girlfriend to know (apparantly they are on the verge of breaking up anyway)... At the end of the night when i dropped her home she said something like 'thanks X (insert real name here), thats something i'm sure we both wanted for a while, we should do it again, just dont let my GF know...' then gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and rushed off.

I could tell something was up and i tried calling her the next day... that all happened on saturday night, its now wednesday and she hasnt answered any of my calls or responded to my SMS's.... now i would like to have a 'friends with benefits' thing here, or even a relationship... but if its going to put a strain on my friendship with her (which keep in mind we've only started to drive again in the last 6 months or so) i dont think i would want it... i hope it hasnt already made things bad between us coz if it has i want to take that amazing night back and leave things how they were...

What should i do? This friend i used to be head over heels for is now making moves on me, and wants to continue to have a discreet relationship, then acts all wierd and doesnt answer my calls. Man females can be confusing... you think you know them then bang! they go all flipped out and wierd on you...

[Edited on 16-6-2004 by specialasianX]

Damn Tough one.

Well you said you've been calling her and nothing.

My advice would be to wait a bit and see if she contacts you.

If not then try finding her or something.

I could give you better advice but im half asleep as I type this.

Hmm one thing i would add to this is,

You cant have your cake and eat it,

You need to work out whether you want to be friends (No Sex)
Believe me if you sleep with your friends it always ends up in tears.

you both need to talk about what you really want one way or the other,

Don't bombard her with calls or sms's.

You are dealing with someome who is very mixed up & doesn't know what she wants. She possibly feels guilty about Saturday night. She has made it very clear to you she wants no-one else to know of your relationship. She is letting you know she wants space. Maybe what happened between you has made her think about where she's going with her life. She might have decided to stay in her other relationship, and you may be causing her bother with your calls.

Leave well alone for a few days. Can you 'bump into her' somewhere you knows she goes? If so, keep it friendly, ask her how she is and above all, don't expect a repeat of Saturday night.

Don't talk about this with your mutual friends. That would cause too many problems if you are to remain friends & she ever found out.

Perhaps you will just have to wait to hear from her, how ever hard that may be. As you've been friends for a long time, you'll meet eventually & you'll just have to see how she plays it then.

Just remember its difficult to have a secret relationship and make it work.

Good luck.

Firstly i have had casual encounters with friends and been cool with them afterwards but thats a two way street and i dont know how she takes these kinds of things. I know she cool with making out and stuff but i dont know how she takes sex with friends. Like i said i would rather be her friend than her partner if i had to choose between the two but both would be cool as well.

As for telling my friends, i've learnt from past experiences my friends, as cool as they are usually, arent the best secret-keepers so confiding in them is out of the question. It'll sort itself out, things usually do for me, but i realised i need to stop calling, and i only sent on or two sms's anyway so i'll see how it goes. She said she'll come over tonight on saturday so i guess if she doesnt turn up somethings up, and if she does i can talk to her...

The others have wrapped it up pretty well. The ball is in her court, so to speak, you've made the calls, etc. so let whatever will be, be. Sorry for the Doris Day quote.

Say straight up, Baby, I love banging ya, but I also want to be your friend. It looks like you're going through a # storm and I need to know if having sex with me is going to mess up our friendship. Be sure to read her, cause she may say yes when she says no.

The best course of advice is to say, hey that was great but let's get back together, if you want, AFTER you break up. Multiple sex partners means A I D S.

If she ends up coming over tonight i'll talk to her, if not well i guess i'l just wait around... as for getting AIDS, i use protection unless i have gone to get checked out with them

Ok just to update for anyone who may care...

My friend came around on saturday night and we went for a drive and i let her know that i enjoyed hooking up with her and would like to go on with it. But if it was going to affect our friendship now or sometime in the future i would have none of it. We decided to stay just friends as thats more important to us than #ing each others brains out...

Pity though.... she was a good lay... but she is a better friend so i think i win.

Intrepid looks into his crystal ball, "I see a booty call in your future." It can happen that friends sleep together and it doesn't mess up the relationship. Rare, but it does happen. Depends on how good a friend you are to each other. It's got to be up front, "This is sex." Been there, we go out, I don't score, she doesn't score, "You horny?", "Yeah.", "Why not." "OK." But it's just sex, as long as BOTH of you know that. It's sort of a Will & Grace thing, only neither of you are gay.

Intepred... she's bi... didnt you read the original post... so it could turn ino a reverse sorta Will and Grace thing i guess...

But yeah i think the problem was she couldnt cope with friends and sex, but then again it could have been that she has a GF right now and she felt guilty... either way though hopefully your right... maybe there is a booty call in store, but i doubt it and untill then i'll go find sone alternate booty...


oh and i like your new avatar, your old one made my computer lag something severe.. that and asterix rules

Nothing arouses female interest more then being ignored.

I'm giving you pearls here, son

By the way...no offense SpecA, but your avatar scares the $hit out of me everytime I see it

[Edited on 21-6-2004 by KayEm]

Kay em, next time you watch Sesame Street at least you'll be aware of the evil that is BERT....

And your giving me pearls eh?

Will these pearls be of monetary value?

Now, SpecA...didn't anybody ever tell you that some of the best things in life are free ?

Re: Berts innate evilness. I've always thought so. Right up there alongside Mickey Mouse and Barney. Scary bastards they are. Give me the shivers.

Kay Em... one thing i've learnt in my mere 2 decades of exsistance is nothing is free... expect for junk mail... but nothing else is free.

Not true Cyberfriend. I can think of tons of things that are incredible and wonderful and are all indeed free. Many of them I partake of everyday. A posting of thoughts to a fellow member for example. These are completely free and given from the heart, even if they seem wrapped in humour or sarcasm or jokey sounding.

Touche- but! you still pay some sort of price for being online to read these responses from you enlightened ATS peers... thus not being free... but yes i would agree there are things that are free in a monetary sense but i am a believer that everything comes at a price...

for example my former problem (as this thread is meant to be about) i have a friend, a close friend whom i paid nothing monetarily for... but in order to keep this friendship i had to sacrifice some of the best sex i ever had... now even though it cost me nothing monetarily, it has cost me alot of pyhsical satisfaction... but it was worth it...