I care to much, My heart is to big for this world

As a young kid, at the age of 5 onwards, I always will remember my dad beating my mum. Every night he would come home, and hit her and hit her.
I was 5, I just wanted it to stop.

I am now a grown man, 36 years old.
And these this still haunts me to this day.
I love my mum. she is dying, she has cancer of the lungs.
I love my dad also. He remarried, and is a shaddow of his former self.
They have both moved on.

I cant move on.

As I moved into my mid teens, my mum and dad split up.
I was happy with this. A year later, my big brother was diagnosed with cancer and died when he was 28.

I have a beutifull wife, and 3 lovely kids.
But I suffer from severe depression and suicidal thoughts.
Anything who suffers suicidal thoughts will tell you its a very very selfish place to be.
You know you shouldnt be thinking like this, but every nerve ending in your being tells you its a cowards way out, and to go and take it.

I live my my life these days, with ethics and morals high on my agenda.
Like most I wear a mask, I dont want people to see the "real me"
I work with kids, I am a volenteer worker. I am also severely disabled.
I put SO MUCH into other people, caring for other people, helping other people, that I forget about me, and the people that are in my house.
I cry often. sometimes for no reason. I hide all this from my partner.
She is 8 months pregnant (and yes, some will say, why have kids with a mind like this), and yes, you are probably correct.
My daughter was 1 year old 2 weeks ago, and she keeps me strong.
1 look at her, my heart melts, and my worries go away.

But then nightime comes. and the bad thoughts appear.
We live in a society where nobody cares.
Your social workers, your Dr's, all the above, they do it for thier wage.
I have yet to come across a person who does things for the same reason I do.
To help others.

Right now, I am sitting here alone, and I want to end it all.
I am a burdon to my family, and I am a burdon to the world.

I will not, and cant change my ways.
I need to help people, I want to help people.
But who helps the helpers in life ?

I feel I am alone in trying to chance the world.
I feel I am alone in wanting a better world.
Each time I turn on the news my heart sinks. I see suffering, death, war, greed, corporate greed, evil people.

I am alone here ?
Can anyone share my pain ?

From Scotland with Love.

Shaun.

[edit on 4/6/2010 by shauny]

You are not alone, many people struggle with hardship and pain. This life makes fools of us all in our own unique way.


You do not have the option of being selfish, your family needs you, your children need you. As human beings we often feel that there is little or no hope for the world, that nobody cares, that the world is against us.

But then little did you know that there are millions of people out there just like you, fighting the fight for survival, experiencing the same up's and downs, the same heartaches, the same disappointments.


What sets us apart is that we grow, that we learn from these set backs, that we evolve and become better human beings as a result.


In your case, you have a physical mality, an illness. It is called depression, and it has much less to do with who you are as a person and a lot more to do with what is likely a chemical or neurological imbalance inside of your own mind that prevents the experience of joy of happiness.

You are most likely seratonin deficient, which means that your body does not produce the adequate level of seratonin to your brain for you to feel normal.

This is not a reflection of weakness or anything of the sort, it is a treatable physical illness. My advice would be to talk to someone immediately if you are experiencing these harmful thoughts. Do not take this lightly.


You are not alone, and you owe it to yourself, your family and everyone who loves you to seek treatment. There is no shame in needing help, especially for a physical condition that you are powerless to control.


I wish you the best.

[edit on 4-6-2010 by BlackOps719]

You have what most dont have. A family that cares for you. You cannot let these thoughts take over. You need to stay strong. Your kids need you.

You have been through alot I understand. But you need to see that you cannot add to the list.

You need to fight the thoughts, dont let them win you over. Dont let the evil succeed.

For if any of those thoughts were to conquer you, your family will be left with the pain, and suffering.

My past aswell isn't the greatest. My father tried to set mine, and my sisters room on fire when we were younger while we were crying on our beds. But thankfully the matches wouldnt light.

But I do not hate my father. Everyone has their demons to battle. He was able to defeat his and change his life for the best. Sadly, it took events like this, and my mother seperating from him to see what the consequences were.

I can only hope and pray that you can see that your family needs you.
The kids you work with look up too you. You need to stay strong, and live the rest of your life.

Life is good.


Take it for what it is.

"Form is the void, and the void is form. The same is true for feelings, conceptions, impulses and consciousness." - Heart Sutra


Please do not give up. The world needs people who are capable of feeling.

Shauny, I have known people who have commited suicide. I have also seen the devestation they leave behind, the tears and pain and endless aching. I know that you are overwhelmed by life and are depressed, but there are medications that can help. Most people assume that meds make you feel like a zombie. If a drug makes you feel that way then it isn't the right one for you. It is all trial and error, which one at which dose will help you the best.

You have a wife who loves you, a wonderful child, and one on the way. You have those great kids who you work with and I'm sure they love you too. And you have the wonderful people here who are genuinely concerned and care. Please keep talking to us. Do not hold your feelings inside. You will not want to miss your children growing up.

We live in a chaotic and crazy world and sometimes we feel helpless and hopeless. Please know that there is always hope, that there are always some good people in the world doing good things. All is not lost sweetie. Hugs!

[edit on 4-6-2010 by Night Star]

Originally posted by fedeykin



Please do not give up. The world needs people who are capable of feeling.

I know.
But I just have hit the edge.
I can see no way back.

Look here.
My daughter, she was 1 last week.

Courtney "GRACE" is her name
Grace, is by the grace of god.
I gave her that name


It tears me to bits thinking these things, knowing I need to get this crap out my system. I havel lived a lie for to long now.
I am sick of it.

[edit on 4/6/2010 by shauny]

[edit on 4/6/2010 by shauny]

Im new here, hopefully am posting this in the right place my heart goes out to you. As i reading your thread it really sound like my story. About fifteen years ago i was really depressed myself. I was always helping anyone and everyone putting everyone before myself,I came very close to suicide, the only reason im here today is because the grace of God. It was something i had to pray about and can trully say God delivered me from that. You are very special person dont let anyone change who you are. When God created you he did not make mistake, think about all the people you have helped over the years were would they be if you hadnt been there. Continue doing the good you have been doing one day it will pay off. Proverbs 3: 5-6 verse. Remember you are special dont allow anyone to change you, im sure you understand what im saying. Ph Taylor33

reply to post by shauny


Brother you are blessed,

I have a more horrible story to tell, but please keep the love of your wife & the wonder in your children's eyes in your foresight.

Kick the bad thoughts in the arse and man up! That's my tough love.

Originally posted by shauny

Originally posted by fedeykin



Please do not give up. The world needs people who are capable of feeling.

I know.
But I just have hit the edge.
I can see no way back.

Look here.
My daughter, she was 1 last week.

It tears me to bits thinking these things, knowing I need to get this crap out my system. I havel lived a lie for to long now.
I am sick of it.

[edit on 4/6/2010 by shauny]

If I had that beautiful face to look at every day knowing that she was counting on me, I would make it my lifes goal to give her everything she could ever ask for.


Would you really want to leave this world knowing that she would have to grow up without having a father in her life?


Some things in this world are bigger than "self".


Get yourself healthy and do what is right.

reply to post by BlackOps719


I am in a very selfish place right now.
I know you are all right, you speak the truth.

But how do you get over this

Strange that. I also suffered from depression (still do in many ways) for the exact same reasons. Our society favours matters of the "head" over matters of the heart and because it cannot see any tangible material proof for the ultimate importance of life, and love - it has lost touch with these elements.

I struggled with the exact same thought processes you have now and it pains me to see another go through it because, to be honest, it is impossible for anyone explain the remedy to you simply.

About half a year ago I attempted suicide, I was saved by chance. I feel it awakened me to a higher spiritual level of understanding.

The remedy, simplistically put, is (i feel) life in itself, and life is love. I understand it's hard to celebrate your individual human experience and all the other lives you have been a part of and to simply see the beauty in it when the majority of people may see you as being unhinged, overly sensitive, ruled by outdated morals etc etc...

But hang in there. I believe this is a calling. Simply to live our lives as best we can. There is no doubt it IS harder for us. But we need to lead by example.

Others are starting to be born into this lucid explosion of beauty we call life - they are starting to innerstand. Its up to you and I to lead the way brother.

Love you
Ali

Originally posted by shauny
reply to post by BlackOps719

 

I am in a very selfish place right now.
I know you are all right, you speak the truth.

But how do you get over this

Seek medical help.

Suffering pointlessly will not do you any good, and in this case you will not be able to just "man up" or "get over it" any more so than you could just get over mutiple sclerosis or a broken leg.

You have a physical illness. You don't feel the way you feel because you are a weak or a bad person. You require medical help that is beyond your ability.

There is no stigma in seeking the help of medical professionals, it is what they are paid to do. Don't wait for things to get progressively worse, you would be amazed at the difference the right treatment can make in regard to your quality of life.

You never know what tomorrow has in store for you but if you give up today want ever find out. i know its tough but i know you can make it. you are very strong person and you are going to get through what you are going through. i sure you can see its people here who geuinely care about you and we dont know you, so think how your family feels about you. i really wish i could talk to you



Ph taylor.

reply to post by BlackOps719


I am being sent to mental health experts.
I had a few sessions with a young woman late last year, she was 23, and just out of uni. she didnt understand.
I appreciated her help, but she was no use to me.
I told her this, and she understood.

I am on the case.
But its hard. its just so so so hard.

Thanks you ATS.
I love this place. I really do.
Sometimes just reading others thoughts help.

Thank god for good people.

reply to post by shauny


Just keep the thought in your mind that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And that temporary problems can be resolved; that you are a strong human being, with people who love you, and count on you; that you will get thru this temporary situation as you have many times before.

You are gonna be ok my friend. I believe this.


All you gotta do is keep on putting one foot in front of the other.


Life is hard and often unfair and at times can be a real unbearable b****, but you will never lose as long as you don't give up. Some things are beyond our control, but I truly believe 90% of it is what you put into it and choose to make of it.


Sometimes we have every reason in the world to live on right under our own noses, but we are unable for whatever reason to see.

Your family is your reason, that beautiful little girl, this is your motivation to succeed.


Again, I wish you the best. Say hello to Scotland for me

There are not very many people like you, you are very special person and you have a lot of people in your corner. Hold your head up brother when God created you he broke the mold there is nobody else like you. im going to pray for you tonight. im going to be interceding on your behalf. I know i may have some typos but forgive me for this is my first time replying to any message. But i really felt a neeed to reply to you

You can make my brother remeber God Grace will ever leave are forsake you. PH Taylor

You can make my brother remeber God Grace will ever leave are forsake you. PH Taylor