posted on Jun, 4 2010 @ 06:52 PM
As a young kid, at the age of 5 onwards, I always will remember my dad beating my mum. Every night he would come home, and hit her and hit her.
I was 5, I just wanted it to stop.
I am now a grown man, 36 years old.
And these this still haunts me to this day.
I love my mum. she is dying, she has cancer of the lungs.
I love my dad also. He remarried, and is a shaddow of his former self.
They have both moved on.
I cant move on.
As I moved into my mid teens, my mum and dad split up.
I was happy with this. A year later, my big brother was diagnosed with cancer and died when he was 28.
I have a beutifull wife, and 3 lovely kids.
But I suffer from severe depression and suicidal thoughts.
Anything who suffers suicidal thoughts will tell you its a very very selfish place to be.
You know you shouldnt be thinking like this, but every nerve ending in your being tells you its a cowards way out, and to go and take it.
I live my my life these days, with ethics and morals high on my agenda.
Like most I wear a mask, I dont want people to see the "real me"
I work with kids, I am a volenteer worker. I am also severely disabled.
I put SO MUCH into other people, caring for other people, helping other people, that I forget about me, and the people that are in my house.
I cry often. sometimes for no reason. I hide all this from my partner.
She is 8 months pregnant (and yes, some will say, why have kids with a mind like this), and yes, you are probably correct.
My daughter was 1 year old 2 weeks ago, and she keeps me strong.
1 look at her, my heart melts, and my worries go away.
But then nightime comes. and the bad thoughts appear.
We live in a society where nobody cares.
Your social workers, your Dr's, all the above, they do it for thier wage.
I have yet to come across a person who does things for the same reason I do.
To help others.
Right now, I am sitting here alone, and I want to end it all.
I am a burdon to my family, and I am a burdon to the world.
I will not, and cant change my ways.
I need to help people, I want to help people.
But who helps the helpers in life ?
I feel I am alone in trying to chance the world.
I feel I am alone in wanting a better world.
Each time I turn on the news my heart sinks. I see suffering, death, war, greed, corporate greed, evil people.
I am alone here ?
Can anyone share my pain ?
From Scotland with Love.
[edit on 4/6/2010 by shauny]