Ego Death (Depersonalization)

Yesterday a life changing event happened to me. I had never heard of Depersonalization before but now that it has happened to me im interested on seeing if others have experienced the same thing. if you have you will know. it will not be something that you have to ponder about.

en.wikipedia.org...

a few years ago i experienced sleep paralysis with hallucinations, the experience was so strong it ended up leading me to ATS to look for answers. I hope that this helps other people in the future. now here is what the experience was like.

it began as complete nothingness. there was no time. time stopped. i didnt know who i was. i didnt know what i was. i didnt know what time it was, or where i was. most importantly i didnt care. it was like my eyes were still open but i was not seeing through them. my mind cut its self out from interaction with the outside world. i began seeing through the eyes of several different people that i knew. some were family some were friends. i saw through each of their eyes just like i see through my own. in affect i was them. i jumped from one persons point of view to anothers at regular intervals. i began to become aware that there was some significance to these people but did not know what it was. as i was switching from point of view to point of view i saw one that i began to feel there was something different about. i still continued to go from point to point but i found myself dwelling closer and closer to this one point of view. this point of view was staring at a kitchen sink. i wondered why. next thing i knew in what was like a flash of light i found that it was me. i was the person staring at the sink i had an empty glass in my hand. i then tried to move my hand to fill up the glass.

at the instant i tried to move my body my body collapsed. i fell to the ground and broke the glass. i wondered if i had had a seizure. then i didnt care. i fell back inward into my mind. at this point i thought about the point of views. i felt that it was completely random that i was who i was. i could have been any of those other people i observed, but just happened to be the one near the sink. then i realized that that was not who i was. i was the same thing as everyone else. everyone else was me. in effect there is no me. there is no you. there is only us and we are one being. we are a consciousness floating in nothing. everything we see is an illusion we create for ourselves to hide the fact that we are alone. i then began to feel sorry for this being, the one universal consciousness. the utter emptiness of everything being an illusion, just a trick we play on ourselves to protect our selves from the void. i began to realize that the ego or self, is like a house that we live in. it is shelter that protects us from the universal loneliness by sealing us off from the universal. but it is just an illusion and it will pass. when it does pass i believe we will find ourselves back in the void and we will wish for a new self to call our own because the loneliness is so great. i opened my eyes to see that all in my field of view looked like wall paper. it was just a coating and an illusion.

i remember thinking to myself that we are just the tips of branches on one tree of consciousness. our personalities are the tips of the branches but they are not in control any more than your finger is in control of you. it is hard to write about this part because it is so hard to put these concepts into english.

anyway if you have ever had an depersonalization experience feel free to talk about it. im trying to understand if others saw the same or something different. if i had to summarize it shortly i would say it was painfully deep experience. i am very grateful because it put my ego in check, not that i have a big ego to begin with but it is important to see that the ego is just the character we play on the stage of life. not who we really are. this is funny because when you ask most people who they are they talk about their personality.

The reason nobody replied: Everybody on this particular section of this board has experienced or at least is aware of the information your experience has granted you. It is nothing particularly new or interesting that you've became 'aware' of the theory that all living things are essentially the same being experiencing itself subjectively. Whether or not these are delusions experienced by many is up to the individual. While I believe some mental disorders produce the same delusions/hallucinations amongst people suffering from the disorder, it's a bit strange that for the most part, the people who believe in this universal consciousness theory seem to be of sound mind, of course all I know of these people is their writing patterns and expressions, which mostly seem normal (however there are multiple users I've seen on this board who share the universal consciousness theory who I'd deem either mentally deficient or suffering from some sort of mental disorder)

Now I understand this experience would be interesting and exciting when you first experience it, but the majority of users on the phil/psych/meta board don't particularly care about your 'awakening' experience or they just dismiss it as the rambling of an insane mind.

But, hey, be glad you can now relate and understand the universal consciousness theory. Now start reading philosophy, quantum physics and metaphysics papers/essays/articles and develop a more refined theory.

reply to post by liketheplague


i didnt really care if no one replied. that was not my intention, im just putting it up here so others who may be intrested might read it. if you already know great, im just writing for those that dont know. i spent my whole life not knowing till now and i have been on ATS for some time. it was an unreal exspeirance and i just wanted to share it, replies or not. two people gave me stars so they must have found something in it meaningful. i wrote it for them.

ps. has this happend to you? im just curious and would like to know about what others have exsperianced.

[edit on 3-1-2010 by TheRepublic]

Hey TheRebublic,

I've also recently had a major ego death experience and from what i've learned from the experience, is that the only thing thats obstructs someone from enlightenment is the ego (the ego being identification with your personality, body, religion, racial group, mind, occupation, name, age, gender etc) and that the more the ego shrinks, the less it is blocking the "light" of god from entering into you, and once the ego is gone completely you become enlightened and one with god.

Its sortof like a solar eclipse, if the earth represents you (the self/soul), the moon represents the ego and the sun represents god. When the moon/ego is dissolved there is no longer anything seperating you from god so you become consciously one, this imo is what enlightenment is. (The reason i say consciously one, is because whether you like it or not your always one with god, you just dont consciously realise it until you have a moment of awakening.

But from what ive learned in my own experience is that very rarely does the ego dissolve in one go like when the buddha became enlightened, but instead may happen over 2 or 3 ego death expriences before it dissolves completely.

it began as complete nothingness. there was no time. time stopped. i didnt know who i was. i didnt know what i was. i didnt know what time it was, or where i was. most importantly i didnt care. it was like my eyes were still open but i was not seeing through them. my mind cut its self out from interaction with the outside world.

This is exactly word for word what happened to me! I dont know if you've heard of it but it may help give you some closure about what happened, is this book which i found extremly helpful is "The End of your World" by Adyashanti

best of luck

orrite??

Originally posted by TheRepublicI had never heard of Depersonalization before but now that it has happened to me im interested on seeing if others have experienced the same thing. if you have you will know. it will not be something that you have to ponder about.

I appreciate you relating your experience - I haven't experienced anything quite like that. I can relate to the idea of being one entity experiencing itself subjectively but I haven't experienced it in quite the way you have.

I don't think that your experience was Depersonalization (DP) though. Well it may have included a state of DP but it was much more than that as well.

Chronic DP is not generally something you would be excited about - the emptiness/loneliness/void I think is an accurate description but it doesn't come from feeling one with the universe, it comes from feeling disconnected from the universe - as though all of your senses are somehow passing through a filter before forming your reality. Something is just "off" or "not right" but you can't really put your finger on it. Or as though "you" are outside your body and sensing it remotely.

The part of your description where you are talking about seeing through other people's eyes may be why you think this was DP - but in DP its as though you are watching through someone else's eyes in your own body -still in control but as though its not real and not you doing those things. Seeing through other people's eyes is something different altogether.

Kind of hard to explain but in summary its not at all pleasant and while you may have been in a state of Depersonalization, the term is generally used for a chronic state often referred to as a mental illness.

reply to post by TheRepublic

YEsssss!!! Been there several times..... To 'me" this is Union with God....

Its staring to slowly become a permanent thing here ...not just flashes or 10-15 minutes here and there anymore.

Also that void and nothingness ...just seems to be that way to the mind and its labels and categories....

But in reality that nothingness and Void is at the same time everythingness and devoid ...if that makes sense...

It also seems to be self aware, Loving, infinite, intelligent..... The more One is there ...the More One reveals itself beyond anything imaginable ...if that makes sense....

CHeck this book out if you get a chance: Radical Awakening: Cutting through the Conditioned Mind

your not the Only One ........ there others who know about this ..... we are all headed there..... that is the Real us!!!!

Originally posted by TheRepublic
we are a consciousness floating in nothing. everything we see is an illusion we create for ourselves to hide the fact that we are alone. i then began to feel sorry for this being, the one universal consciousness. the utter emptiness of everything being an illusion, just a trick we play on ourselves to protect our selves from the void. i began to realize that the ego or self, is like a house that we live in. it is shelter that protects us from the universal loneliness by sealing us off from the universal. but it is just an illusion and it will pass. when it does pass i believe we will find ourselves back in the void and we will wish for a new self to call our own because the loneliness is so great.

I have had a similar experience without seeing through anyone elses' eyes. I think it is a partial experience colored by your Ego. True Enlightenment is not an experience. No one is left to have an experience. Loneliness is never mentioned.

But I agree that the idea of permanent Enlightenment seems unlikely. One would eventually, get bored of perfect love/bliss. Then one would descend into the Ego realms for the adventure.

Hitch hikers guide to Enlightenment

reply to post by TheRepublic


The universe is MIND. You are MIND. God is MIND. You created the universe. You define the laws of physics.

I HONESTLY feel that you've never truely lived until you lose your ego. This society that we live in is COMPLETELY unbalanced and individuals are so self-absorbed and self-centered that they're blind to the beauty of thought that connects us to everything.

We are bred and conditioned to feel seperate from everything and everyone. It used to haunt me that I really dont matter in this world, and that people and society will continue on just like it did before my time. But now, I find peace in that. I find it peaceful that I'm physically attached to everything in this world, and when I die, the energy that is used to live will only be transferred to something else.

Religion is forced down our throats and we're taught that God is some seperate entity that never stops watching us and judges our actions. But now, I feel religion was only a premitive way of thought that people communicated to explain how people are connected to "the source."

I see it everyday on the TV, radio, and movies. People have so much undeserved ego that it makes me sick. True inner peace comes when you completely let go.

I was meditating to help my high blood pressure and to change my life, since my life wasn't what I expected back then. And since everything else faild I though sitting in quiet would be good to me.

I had a similar expierience which completely changed my perception and diminished my ego. It's still there though, in different form and in less action (I was a pecular "me, myself and mine" person).

The main problem is... what do you do next It's a world shattering experience and really hard to explain to someone who has never had anything similar happen to him.

Originally posted by Cecilofs

Originally posted by TheRepublicI had never heard of Depersonalization before but now that it has happened to me im interested on seeing if others have experienced the same thing. if you have you will know. it will not be something that you have to ponder about.

I appreciate you relating your experience - I haven't experienced anything quite like that. I can relate to the idea of being one entity experiencing itself subjectively but I haven't experienced it in quite the way you have.

I don't think that your experience was Depersonalization (DP) though. Well it may have included a state of DP but it was much more than that as well.

Chronic DP is not generally something you would be excited about - the emptiness/loneliness/void I think is an accurate description but it doesn't come from feeling one with the universe, it comes from feeling disconnected from the universe - as though all of your senses are somehow passing through a filter before forming your reality. Something is just "off" or "not right" but you can't really put your finger on it. Or as though "you" are outside your body and sensing it remotely.

What if there is another world beyond this one and once born here there is something born there as well. Just like here the physical body grows, so does that other body overthere. It grows however because of learning concepts through this physical body, a kind of food for thought. The other body eats all these concepts as if it were food and once digested they become real in that other world, part of the surroundings which this other body responds to, as if a body creates it's home and reacts to it.

When DP-ing that body leaves it's natural surroundings and enters a kind of void which is beyond or outside the natural surroundings. It might feel disconnected from "the universe" and that's true but that universe as te person knows it and experiences it is made out of human's understanding at that point in the physical and many of that understanding might be false. DPing is a way to look at one's being from the outside and gain insights, once inside the body reacts to it's conditioning blurring it's view of itself. Naturally no one should go out their original place, stay out too long and it will be very difficult to get inside again. But it can have it's rewards if someone wants to learn from it hopefully resulting in a stronger persona.

Originally posted by Dragonfly79Naturally no one should go out their original place, stay out too long and it will be very difficult to get inside again. But it can have it's rewards if someone wants to learn from it hopefully resulting in a stronger persona.

edit on 30/1/2011 by Dragonfly79 because: (no reason given)

That's quite an interesting description.

I don't suffer from it any more (or at least not as much). It certainly did give me different insights and especially an objective look at myself and reality. If there were a way to easily "turn it off" then it could be useful but so far that's eluded me and so I don't want to willingly go back there quite yet.