Need advice - this is a tough one!

Ok here is the good news.

Recently I came back into contact with someone I once knew from back in high school who I had a serious thing for when I was younger. After reconnecting via Facebook, we have been exchanging messages back and forth for a couple of months now.

This girl is unbelievably beautiful, and has the absolute kindest heart and disposition. I have always known her to be a great person, and have found through our connection that we have a huge amount of things in common. Both huge animal lovers, we like the same movies and music and we really do get along like better than I even had expected. Both single and never married, no kids, love to travel and we enjoy the same types of settings.

Seems like the absolute perfect opportunity for a match made in heaven, right?

Here is the problem, and believe me I have been fighting with what to do for a few weeks now and I am really at a stand still.

The problem - she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis five years ago.

Even though she is strong outwardly, seems perfectly normal and puts up a strong front, I know that she has been through some extremely rough times with the disease. I know in my heart that the right thing to do would be to ignore the disease and focus on what is important - the great person that she is.

But then the other side of me thinks about what if we got serious and decided to have kids? What then? How long would we be able to be together before she became bound to a wheelchair or worse? Im not being selfish, just seriously weighing the issues.

I found at that a couple of years back she was engaged to some jackass, and when he found out that she had MS he dumped her. I dont want to mess up her life or put her through anything like that again because I care for her, but at the same time I really need to know what I am getting into and I need to be damned sure it is what I want. MS has no cure and from what I know of the disease it progressively gets worse.

One of my good friends has a mother who has MS and is now in a wheelchair and unable to speak, has no control of bodily functions. His dad tends to her every need all day every day. I really think I have strong feelings for this girl but I just cant figure out what to do here.

Am I sick for thinking about these things? I feel bad for even thinking in terms of myself because then I feel horribly selfish, but at the same time the last thing I would ever wish to do is let her down upon realizing that I am unable to hack it once I am involved.

Should I just let it go and move on?

reply to post by BlackOps719


Seriously dude, if you are connected on that level... it shouldn't matter what disease she might have. Give it a shot. Seeing if things work out is not some contractual obligation to care for her through eternity. Maybe you guys are better off as friends... or maybe she is your soul mate. If she is your soul mate, you would not see taking care of her as some terrible burden, you would only see it as more time together.

Here is a story about a couple that are still together and really value their time together even though the wife is now horribly disfigured. Love is more powerful than MS.

heraldextra.com...

First off I commend you for your post. It takes gut's to be honest with yourself and that is what you are doing.

To me, you are doing the right thing and thinking it through, and not jumping into something that could affect the rest of your life.

Unfortunately it is up to you and you alone to make this decision as you are the one that will have to deal with whatever comes along.

Seriously consider whether or not you are strong enough for what may come, be honest with yourself, and if the pros outweigh the cons, then go for it.

If on the other hand you really aren't sure if you could handle the situation if it got bad, do yourself and her as well a favor and don't go destroying at least two lives.

You really seem to be giving this considerable thought which is good, and all I can suggest is to keep mulling it over until you have the truth about yourself
and you will do the right thing.

And in this case, the right thing is what is right for you, not what anyone else thinks. Some can handle it, some can't. Neither is better than the other, just different, and don't go thinking anyone will feel less or more of you.

It's your life, and I wish you well in whatever decision you make.

Wayne

A tough one indeed.

My aunt has been a MS carer for nearly 20 years now, many of the people she cares for, their partners left them because it was too hard for them to care for them.

It breaks her heart but at the same time she also loves it, I imagine it would be a difficult albeit fulfilling job.

Back to your situation, if you're capable to cope if things get tough and do love her unconditionally, then go for it, love conquers all as they say.

You're not sick for having these thoughts, it's potentially a huge commitment on your part and it's only human to think like that.

I should say, IMO, the guy who left her after the diagnosis is a selfish prick.

Do you know how she feels about you? If she wants the relationship to progress then it would be best to put everything on the table up front, tell her your fears, get her to share hes.

Wish I could be of better advise.

reply to post by BlackOps719



wow that's a tough one...

When two people who are in a relationship for a long time are faced with this, then they usually stick by each other (or they will if they truely love each other).
In your case, I think that at this moment you are 'in love' with this girl, you like her,... but that isn't true love yet.

I think it's very normal that you are asking these questions. If you end up with this girl, her illness will affect your life aswell, and we are not talking about small changes here. At one point it will become emotionally very difficult for the both of you. You can't possible know now if you are going to be able to handle that, you simply can't.

If you care for her, you can start by being her best friend, be there for her... like her, be 'in love' with her...give it some time. But don't make promisses you may not be able to keep.
Can you talk to her about this? Tell her how you feel, what your afraid off, etc? She has the illness so I'm sure she has thought these things over.
Don't rush it, in time your own feelings will tell you what to do.

my advice for what it's worth

Well this is very depressing to read. I'm just recovering from my latest MS attack.. there is no doubt about it now.. I have to accept I have got this disease and my doctor has said if I don't have daily injections I could be in a wheel chair in ten years. Yay! I've had it for about 5 years but I have just been diagnosed and there's no denying it now.

Ironically I will already have the responsibilty of being a carer for a devopmentally delayed sybling so I have avoided being in relationship because I didn't want to burden a prospective partner and assumed they'd run a mile. Now.. having read your post it looks like I was right and it looks like we're both up # creek. I have no intention of burdening someone with this kind of stuff but falling in love is one of the most wonderful things in life- I'm going to have to miss out on it. Thats not really fair but thats life I guess. I suspect someone who is truly in love would not want their partner to be without that love.. even if that means having to carry them up some stairs.

I suggest you count your blessings, appreciate that there are MS treatments available and if you honestly think you will leave her if she ends up in a wheelchair I suggest you dump her now so she can prepare and create a support network without you. It might be worth remembering that anyone could suddenly end up in a wheelchair through stroke or accident. Life is hard and sometimes beautiful princes and princesses have defects.

[edit on 14-10-2009 by riley]

Just think of it this way, you could have committed yourself to her and then found out she had this illness. In that case, you would do what you have to do for the one you love. It is not her fault she has this disease. You said yourself, she is a wonderful person inside and out.

It takes a special kind of person to "be there" for the one you love no matter what. If you have to ask yourself if you are that kind of person, you probably are.

Primary symptoms are a direct result of the demyelination process. This impairs the transmission of electrical signals to muscles (to allow them to move appropriately) and the organs of the body (allowing them to perform normal functions.) The symptoms include: weakness, tremors, tingling, numbness, loss of balance, vision impairment, paralysis, and bladder or bowel problems. Medication, rehabilitation, and other treatments can help keep many of these symptoms under control.

Secondary symptoms result from primary symptoms. For example, paralysis (a primary symptom) can lead to bedsores (pressure sores) and bladder or urinary incontinence problems can cause frequent, recurring urinary tract infections. These symptoms can be treated, but the ideal goal is to avoid them by treating the primary symptoms.

Tertiary symptoms are the social, psychological, and vocational complications associated with the primary and secondary symptoms. Depression, for example, is a common problem among people with MS.

Giving her (and you) a chance to experience life together may be worth it. You should remember too, that giving of yourself is the purest definition of love and is fulfilling in unexpected ways.

Good luck with your decision.

I suggest you read up on MS and get yourself a good understanding of what you're in for before moving forward. It might sound selfish but if you aren't equipped to deal with it, you will be doing yourself, this woman, her family and, possibly, your own kids(should it go that route) a major disservice.

My wife's cousin is married to a woman with MS. She was in great shape, managing the ailment and then she had a second child. She was warned about the possible issues the second child might bring and, sure enough, she's in a wheel chair, cannot go to the bathroom by herself etc.

The husband is leaving her. Not because he can't handle the disease, he can't handle her. She was a nasty, obnoxious woman before she fell ill and now he can no longer deal with her. The kids are a mess, the older boy hates his mother, views his father as a nice guy who's abandoning his mother and he understands it and agrees with it but it's still his mother.

It's an ugly mess (but it's a family trait) that has been going on for years now and the only casualties are the kids who are both under ten and both sitting in therapy daily.

So, as I said, learn everything you can about the disease before you take that leap from friends to partners.

reply to post by Crakeur

wow I have so much to look forward to.
I think I should probably stop reading this thread..

[edit on 14-10-2009 by riley]

reply to post by BlackOps719


everything you're considering is normal

the things you should also consider are:

MS doesn't play out the same way for all people - there are a lot of variables - you should actually be researching MS on line so you understand it better

there is a lot of new stuff happening out there

My mother had MS - and it wasn't easy - but it was also remitting

you should next consider if you're getting ahead of yourself maybe - how serious are you guys?

after that think about this - are you really willing to give up on the real thing because it won't be perfect or easy?

that is not a criticism - that's me being concerned about you passing up something that could be one of the most important and beautiful things in your life

she's going to be sick with you or without you - meaning - your decision is not going to affect the condition

is she the one for you - that's the only real question

[edit on 10/14/2009 by Spiramirabilis]

i applause you man,and dont feel sick that your thinking that way,i would also think about my kids dna,theyr the future of the family after all,but still ATLEAST give her a chance and make her happy.besides wahts schlerosis?
if u fall in love so much im sure you will not be so concerned,besides ims ure it will turn out fine

reply to post by BlackOps719


I didn't read any of the other replies so if this is repetitive -sorry mon

I think you know what to do. If you get along that well hey, life's messy and it takes guts. You two should enjoy one of the most precious things this world has to offer. I could go on but that's enough.

To quote a famous movie - "Better 30 minutes of something wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

Besides, you are jumping the gun - she may not be that into you.

You know I love ya, I'm just sayin'...

[edit on 14/10/2009 by kosmicjack]

Thanks to everyone who has responded, some solid and thoughtful advice in there.


And KJ....you are absolutely right.

I think I am more worried about my own short comings and my own lack of follow through more so than I am worried about any future issues from her condition.

I think maybe she deserves better than what I could ever deliver.

Again, much humble appreciation for all of the replies, they have all been carefully considered.


Kind Regards

Originally posted by BlackOps719
I think maybe she deserves better than what I could ever deliver.

I think you should give her and yourself a break, try not to analyze it too much, too early and just see where it goes. It sounds to me like you are really into her.

Dating doesn't necessarily equate to marriage. But when it does it's usually because you "just know". You need to give yourself and her time to "just know" - or not - whichever the case maybe, regardless of the MS.

If you later decide that the situation is overwhelming, that's not a shortcoming, it's how you feel. Your feelings matter just as much as hers. However, as a woman, I have to think she would neither want you to date her or marry her out of pity, only love.

Be true to yourself as well as her. And that's exactly what it sounds like you are trying to do.

Well, here's my opinion: you're giving it too much thought. I mean, I understand your concern, but she's years away to be bound to a wheelchair. To me it sounds like you really love her, so in that case you should date her. Go out a couple of times and see how it all works out. If you still love her then move on to a more serious level. I think the only reason why you would leave this girl is if you realise you don't love her as much as you thought. In that case, you wouldn't feel guilty (which you can feel if you let her go now before anything happens), and she will suffer, sure, but as any person that gets dump. It wouldn't be traumatic because it wouldn't be linked to her disease.

So if you give this a chance now, you could also find that you love her enough to marry her and eventually take care of her.

Without spending time together in person, you don't really have enough information to make this decision. Up to you to decide if its worth the time investment to at least learn that much...

Communication is important in any relationship and I think your pensiveness is relative to the two of you not interacting in the real world yet.

True friendship is the most important relationship of all. It has no stipulations attached when it's derived from mutual respect for each other.

I would say talk to her in the real world and define the relationship with her.

Although you feel you can't fulfill the requirements of a serious relationship at the moment,that does not mean you won't be able to in the future.

How do you know what the course of this relationship is ?

It also doesn't mean that your involvement with her is an all or nothing situation. When you have something looming in your future or you have suffered sudden limitations in your life your attitude changes.

Many adopt a live life to the fullest,enjoy life as best as I can attitude and often find the simple things in life more cherish-able.

In illness of any kind that limits oneself there is always the possibility of ending up socially isolated or limited.

In five years if they find a cure for MS what then ?

In the least you could be a close and true friend.

If she should get involved with someone or marry ... you may end up with the honor of being the best man. Something to think about.