A piece of my Diary, A piece of Me...

I find myself sitting here, listening to a classic song played on piano. It's not joyous, not sad. But strangely calming and soothing. Not soothing in the way that makes you feel better about life, soothing...in a the way that you know you will be gone someday and you just can't wait for that moment. This might sound suicidle but it doesnt feel that way to me. Even though I feel myself drifting away while listening.... almost as if in a trance, I think about that last moment, of slipping away. The moment of leaving this life never to return again. The feeling is quite strange, it's almost like the emotion I imagine I would have at the moment of leaving this place. But the physical factors hold me back. My heartbeat, my blocked nose and the cramping in my hand as I write, all remind me that I am still here. The moment I realise this, a great feeling of dissapointment overwhealmes me. I'm still here...

Why do we see suicide as a disgrace?(don't get me wrong, Im way too curious to end my own life). Should we not respect the fact that someone does not have the strength to endure a life of missery in this god-forsken world? Instead, we call them selfish for leaving us, we now have to live with the pain of losing a loved one. Stay and try to make the world a better place, is that what life is about? If you don't do it, does it mean that you accept this world enough to live in it? It's a horrid thought, but a valid one.

The life I want is out of reach. I am constantly surrounded by people who think so differently to what I do. They live the norm..Get up, have a cup of coffee and a ciggarette and think to themselves loathingly "I don't want to go to work today". But thy do it anyway. They shower and gell their hair or whatever. Think about what to wear and off they go... Only to return home at the end of the day and do the reversed cycle. Walk in the door, complain about how stressfull and horrible their day was, have about four hours to themselves and go to bed dreading tomorrow. But they keep on doing it every day, hoping for something better. Better money, a better car, faster internet. But when they get it they still seem so empty. Mindless, emotionless like ants working in a collony.

This is how I see people. Just as we see ants. Doing their daily pointless ruitine, serving their queen. All they while something else is looking down on us wondering, when are they going to learn? I dont want to be the one that dissapears into society like ants who all look the same and do the same thing. I want to feel fulfilled, I know that there is something more. Something we are all missing, I just dont know what it is. I feel I don't belong here yet I have become just like them. Wanting...Wanting better everything, better jeans and shoes. A nicer coat a nicer bag.

But I still feel the same, as if I'm wasting my time. Time I feel is precious and can't be wasted. At the end of the day, it's all we have. Time can destroy, devalue or add value. It can kill or give life, it can age or renew. Time can cause the greatest mystery man has ever seen or bring clarity and truth. It is all we have and we should respect it. Not waste it or wish it away, or wish we could go back or balme it. Beacause if we do that we are trying to mask our mistakes and bad coices, for not using our time wisely like we should have.

I hope that I can learn from what I wrote here today.


edit for spelling.

[edit on 06/10/2009 by jinx880101]

Very deep and meaningful thoughts and feelings, I also reflect on things myself, when I observe the nature of "going ons" in this world.

reply to post by catalyst2466


Please feel free to post any of your thoughts or writings about the 'going ons' of this world. I think I would find it interesting.

reply to post by jinx880101


Thanks, I sometimes tread carefully so as not to upset others, though I am a "Free Thinker" by all means, -sometimes just a little too forward, which obviously contradicts treading carefully. Ok enough of the rant, but I will think about this and mabey do a post sometime. By the way I love your Avatar- Great Photography!

reply to post by catalyst2466


Thanks! But its not me, Although I do look kinda like that. The pic is just an 'expresion' of me!

I found an old journal (diary) that I had written years before.

Upon reading it again, I was amazed at the author's enthusiasm.

I have asked myself . . . is this person gone now ?
( as in "the way you know you'll be gone someday" )

And, like you, I listen to the music . . as it fills in my life, . . and hope not.

reply to post by SIEGE


You could probably dig out that person if really wanted to... sometimes its scary and painfull and other times it can remind you how to be 'childlike' (not childish) again.