i am feeling suicidal again...i'm lost

i have been laying in bed for hours thinking of how i want to do it. i don't know what to do. it has been 8 months since my wife and i split up and it is literally tearing me apart. there are no jobs around here. i mean none. let me clarify. none that i can physically do. i was hired in at a manufacturing plant through a temp service but i only lasted 2 days. they put me in a packing spot and some of the items were 150lbs and i can't handle the weight with my back.

i'm broke. i'm off my meds cause i am broke. child support is getting ready to take my license cause i am going into arrears cause of not working. my back hurts all the time and i miss my wife and my dog.

i am going to see my councelor(sp) at 4 today but nothing will come of it. if i tell him the truth of how i am feeling then he will send me to the hospital where i will be stuffed into an uncomfortable woom and have to meet with doctors i don't like. i will have to participate in their stupid ass arts and crafts sessions that last 2 hours. they will put me back on meds that i can not afford to buy once i get out so the whole process is pointless.

i feel like i need to be hospitalized indefinately so that i can have doctors to talk to and be put on a medicine regimen for more than 2 days.

and to top it all off i keep thinking about my ex. i talk to her every evening and if i am in the hospital then i can't and i don't want that.

i don't want to hurt anyone else but i am fearing that i might have to resort to drastic measures to get the help that i need.

what am i gonna do

dont do it, you have more to live for.

if your under 37 you could still join the military. You could get a student loan and go back to college. You could get a job at mcdonalds not kidding there managers make over 40k a year and they cant keep help. Dont let life get you so down that you wanna kill yourself there's to much out there you havent seen and it sounds like you have a kid who needs you.

Don't do it man.

I've been feeling hella down the last year too man. I lost the love of my life and my 90k a year job. Now i'm unemployed and alone.

But I still could never take my life. Who knows what tomorrow may bring.

Plus I have a feeling we are already truly in the final days of the earth as we know it. So I figure what a time to be living in really. I may witness Jesus come back, or the aliens come back, or Jesus the Alien come back. Or Maybe we are just all gonna kill each other with nukes anyways.

Just relax and smoke a bowl. Listen to some music. Good music saves lives.

"One good thing about music,
When it hits you you feel no pain,
So hit me with Music,
Brutalize me with music."
-Bradley Nowell

i am under 37 and thought about joining the national guard but my back would never let me get past basic. there is no way i could do those things.
funny you mention mcdonalds. i'm supposed to go to burger king tomorrow to apply. this girl that i talk to on myspace has worked there for a year and has put in a word. she said her store just lost 3 people and are hiring right now.
i have not worked a fast paced grill in more than 11 years. it's kind of intimidating if you want to know the truth.
i didn't want to be a 30 year old fast food worker but i might have to. i'm not lazy but working fast food is bust ass work unless you can climb the ladder.

If you care about your family,d'ont even consider it.I found my mum lying in a bed after taking an overdose with a plastic bag over her head.Have you any idea how that has screwed me up.Suicide leaves such powerful emotions for people left behind to deal with -It's cruel.You are obviously on a run of real bad luck at the mo,but give it time.I would really love to read a positive post from you some time soon,take care.

you sit and think about suicide. i see you talk about missing your wife and your dog. dont you have a son? you dont miss him? how can you even think what your thinking without a care in the world about him?
a piece of advice. get off your butt. think about something other than your own self.

reply to post by Brain Damaged


of course i miss my boy. we talk and i see him pretty often. i just feel like i am no good to him. nothing to offer.
i don't want to hurt my family but i just don't know how much more i can take. life is beating me down and it is winning.
but yes i sit and think about it. today, a lot

Hey man.

Think of it this way. There are plenty of people in the world who are way worse off than you. way worse. Your own situation, as bad as it seems could be a lot worse, and for that you should be thankful. Its all about focusing on what you have and not what you've lost. You have a son. You can't, you just can't ruin the rest of his life because your feeling down at the moment. Now I'm not trying to make light of how you're feeling but like an above poster said you can't be that selfish and irresponsible, get some perspective. I've been there man, thought about doing it but when it comes to the crunch and as harsh as it sound, the decision shows, no defines what kind of a person you are and how you'll be remembered by those who love you.

Life's f*ucking difficult sometimes, I get that, but its the tough times which make the good times feel that much more special and I know it sounds like a massive cliche but it'll get better even if it doesn't seem like that now. All you gotta do is try.

look, my E-mail is on my profile. drop me a mail and i'll give you my facebook, skype whatever. point is, if you want someone to talk to then thats cool. I don't know where you are but I'm in England and if you're anywhere near me i'll make a trip to talk to you face to face if that would help.

or if nothing else just don't let us never see you on here again.

please. don't give up.

I feel very deeply for you having gone through the pain of a separation and divorce myself. I am so very, very sorry that you are in such pain. I mean that and I wish there was some way I could be there with you to hold your hands and walk you through this difficult phase of life. Nothing in the world makes sense and you feel torn in half. The regret, grief and anger are always there and how well do I know those feelings of wanting to give up and missing the old life so much. The emptiness is like acid in your heart. Your situation is compounded by your lack of work and I suspect, lack of nurturing, supportive people around you. I know it looks bleak and you feel there is no hope. But there is every reason to hold on and keep fighting. Life isn't easy for anyone and we all have heavy, heavy crosses to bear. Right now there is young mother with cancer who has a few months to live and two fatherless kids whom nobody wants - Can you imagine her agony? She doesn't have the many choices that are open to you.
You have life, good health, a child, youth, hope, a nice friend (the girl who made the job connection for you) intelligence and the will to grow stronger as a man. There are many not so blessed in this world.
Right now you need to give yourself a chance to grieve and allow yourself to hurt for a while. Process the pain and realise that within every situation of loss, there are the seeds for new growth and new opportunities to become more of who you were meant to be. Sometimes we don't get what we want right away but opportunities are presented to us as stepping stones within which are other opportunities and doors to meet others who will help us to get where we want to go. Accept any job that is given now and keep an open mind that there are other opportunities to come within this opportunity. THIS IS A TRANSITION TIME SO DON"T EXPECT TOO MUCH because you are not yet ready to receive what is due to you from the next cycle of life. Don't rush into any new relationships now in spite of the loneliness because it holds back your healing and complicates life when you need to be simple as you release the old phase of life. Try to stay positive by giving thanks every day for all the good things in your life - your child, your good health, your dreams, bright future etc. Go out and do a few good things everyday - help an elderly person in some small way. Rescue an animal, volunteer at an animal shelter or home for the disabled or elderly - do something for others while processing your own pain. It helps big time to help others and keeps your mind off yourself while giving you a chance to meet compassionate people. Try a little exercise like running for half an hour every morning. the endorphins released will help to lift your mood.
Laugh more, help others and you'll be amazed at how many people will be drawn to you and your positive energy. I don't know if you believe in a Creator or not, but praying helped me significantly during my divorce. Pray honestly about your anger and lack of faith. Don't be afraid to cry and be angry with the Creator. You'll feel better and clear up toxic energy inside of you. You'll also notice small changes around you and a time when little gifts will come your way as the universe or the Creator supports you.
You don't me and we'll probably never meet in person. But on an inner level at a quantum place where it matters, I 'll be supporting you and helping you to cross this raging river as a kindred spirit. You are not alone and never will be. Remember that and know that you are significant and your child and this world need you. Please be strong and you'll get through this...I did even after I had thoughts of suicide and giving up for good. You'll be alright and the days to come will open new doors of discovery and revelation for you. You are loved deeply. Stay with us. You have an important mission here that you have yet to understand. Please stay with us and stay strong.

life is suffering. the cause of suffering is desire. let it go. Forget about what you had and focus on what you have. Enjoy the things you take for granted. let go of the negativity. Happiness can be found anywhere by anyone, unless you keep it away by focusing on things that cannot be changed and chase after dreams that cannot be realized, Take a good look at your life and recognize what you can and cannot accomplish with it, do not hate the flaws or pretend they don't exist, understand them and accept them. Allow others to accept them, even if they respond with negativity. Never let other people's negativity keep you from doing what's best for yourself. You don't live your life for them, you have to live your life for yourself.

reply to post by thing fish


How did all that job stuff go before man?
You know... the course you were gonna do to get back to work..?

Seriously man.... don't do it... such a waste of life.
You're still young and can do so much with your life my friend.

thanks guys. i feel a little better after talking to the clinician today. as of about 10 minutes ago i started taking the geodon again. they hooked me up with that for free and we are gonna see about the lithium next week. i also went to the store and bought some melatonin thinking if i can actually get some sleep maybe some of these feelings will pass.

i still want to go to truck driving school but it costs 5 grand. i don't know if there are loans available but i will find out on the 4th. if nothing else i was thinking a fast food joint like this bk lead long enough to save the 5 grand and then enter the program. then, hit the road.

i think that would make me happy. it would get me away from this town that i hate for a good portion of the month. away from the ex which is what i think i need to do and some decent money so i can get an apartment and start spending some more time with my boy.

goals i guess. it's strange how up and down i get. i still feel very depressed but nothing like when i started this thread.

thanks again guys and gals

Thing Fish, I have been through exactly everything you are going through - the whole works. I have been married, divorced, alcoholic, mental patient, suicidal, no job, no life, down and out, etc, etc.

What you need and have to find is yourself which is your own identity. I never understood it while I had my own troubles because your vision becomes too clouded to know what you need. You get desperate and think of ending it all, but that may or may not work.

What you really need to do and it is possible (yes) to even get off meds is to learn to love yourself once again. I even told myself that I thought I cared about myself, but I didn't. You just need to get a grip and take each and every day one at a time and simplify your life for a while so you can pay attention to you, not things outside of you that you think you need, and yes these include wives and pets. Once you get your head on straight you will realize that you do not need any of these things and you will be okay.

It is hard to do, but just remember that your feelings are not going to kill you. They will only harm you if you act on them, and you have the power to control your self. You need to convince yourself that there is a way somehow and somewhere and don't lose hope. Even if you have to run away to somewhere far off it is better than giving up and thinking about ending it all. You'll never know what you might be missing if you overcome your obstacles in your own life. You will feel cleansed in the end if you endure.

By the time I found this thread you were already feeling better, which made me very happy.

I know a lot about feeling as you do, and all I can advise you is to tough it out. I'd see my inner self as a sword being forged in the fire, and getting stronger for it.

Developing inner strength is like developing a muscle. It doesn't just happen, it has to be worked at. Sadly, that means facing and dealing with adversity, some of it more than you think you can handle.

Try and find good things each day. I used to see a blackbird on my way to work, sometimes I'd remember to bring a crumb of bread for him. Some days that was the only positive thing in the whole day.

But, every day, if you try, you can find something.

Is there anything you enjoy doing? I used to read a comic every week, and have a bar of chocolate and a cup of coffee with it. I knew that for those 10 or 15 minutes nothing else would bother me. Some days I'd laugh at the comic and then realise that it was the first time I'd laughed for several weeks.

I'm telling you this so you'll believe me that I understand you.

I did a lot of work to get myself back on track. None of it involved taking medication and I hope you don't have to take too much.

It's a bit crude, but you need a lot of manure to grow roses. I hope that you can learn and grow through all this.

There's an anonymous post on this thread that I starred, it was so profound. I hope you drew strength and encouragement from that. I know I would have, had someone said that to me when I needed it.

Keep posting please. I often look in on you profile to see if you're about. You've got some really good friends here. We might not be the sort of people you'd want to hang out with in you everyday life (I can almost guarantee that I'd get on your nerves) but we can't always be too fussy about our friends You're cared about on here.

there is great opportunity all around you. Opportunity to find a new love, new friends and a new life.

The greatest thing you can offer your son is your love. Materialism is an illusion. You cant possibley have more to offer than yourself.

reply to post by thing fish


it's good to hear you're feeling better

as berenike just said - I found this after you started feeling better

one thing I would like to say - make sure your doctor knows about anything else you're taking - including over the counter stuff that you may assume is harmless - you never know how things might - or might not - mix

also - you mentioned getting some sleep - you have no idea how important this is to everything - just working on that part alone could really turn things around for you

this is not a time for you to be self indulgent and let yourself stay up past your bedtime - establish a very structured routine for yourself and stick to it as much as you can

I could go on and on about the basics - eat right, avoid caffeine, alcohol, blah, blah blah...I won't bother you with the obvious

you already mentioned working on getting more sleep - but melatonin might not be the way to go - so check with your doctor

there are many biochemical things that need to happen while you're sleeping - so if you're sleep deprived - it's only going to mess with your mood, and disrupt your cycle further - it goes on and on like a perpetual motion machine until you can't even think your way out of a paper bag

OK - I'm going to say something about alcohol after all - it's a depressant - just throwing another log on the fire - and it also messes with your ability to sleep - and with the quality of the sleep that you do get

not moralizing - just, if you can - give it up (completely) at least until you're feeling MUCH better (not just kinda better)

I don't actually know that you drink at all - it's just worth mentioning in case you do

i am going to see my councelor(sp) at 4 today but nothing will come of it. if i tell him the truth of how i am feeling then he will send me to the hospital where i will be stuffed into an uncomfortable woom and have to meet with doctors i don't like.

you're counselor is probably already on to you - if they're any good

you have to let them know how bad bad really is - you just do

but if you absolutely can't trust that he/she is going to recommend what's best for you - you need to have one person at least that you know you can call no matter what - and then you have to give yourself permission to call them

don't tell yourself that you don't want to bother anybody - bother them

this is the part that's just going to sound like "the sun will come out tomorrow..."

but the reality is - all the things that keep cycling in your mind over and over - the things you are obsessing about relentlessly - will start to seem more manageable once you've got your mood stabilized

to some extent - you have to play a little mind game with yourself - and remind yourself that much of what you're feeling isn't real - it just feels real

I hope you understand what I mean by that - because I know that it sounds like I don't really understand what you're experiencing

last thing - does your doctor/counselor know that you can't afford the meds?

if they don't know - they can't help you

sometimes there are things that they can do to work around financial hardship - it's worth asking

Originally posted by thing fish
reply to post by Brain Damaged

 

of course i miss my boy. we talk and i see him pretty often. i just feel like i am no good to him. nothing to offer.

All you have to offer him is a father!

I know this because I am a son too lol.

Remember that!

Stay positive. The future has unlimited possibilities.
What your problem seems to be is, your focusing on ONE possibility. Stay positive and focus on the unlimited possibilites!

Peace.


[edit on 26-2-2009 by _Phoenix_]

Originally posted by thing fish
reply to post by Brain Damaged

 

of course i miss my boy. we talk and i see him pretty often. i just feel like i am no good to him. nothing to offer.
i don't want to hurt my family but i just don't know how much more i can take. life is beating me down and it is winning.
but yes i sit and think about it. today, a lot

I read your post's and I say this with true utter respect "stop feeling sorry for yourself' The ole poor me routine is oh so immature find soemthing that makes you happy and do it, there are many jobs no matter where you live, work is work I am sure you could alwyas work back the temp agency you can post your services on newsgroups in yoru community you can go door to door doing od jobs for elderly people, grocery shopping for them cooking etc...

I felt sorry formyself at one point to but all I can say is stand up straight keep a positive attitude, there is no harm in letting someone know you miss them even if it is a EX wife, but remember they are X'x for a reaso, so please man quit being so hard on yourself lifes to short to be miserable.

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www.studentloannetwork.com...