Going to be a Dad!!! UPDATE

Well, this year's certainly off to a bang....

I got married to the love of my life...

Then I lost my job...

Then I started a new job...

And now I find out I'm going to be a dad! Well, a step-dad at any rate...

It's a long story...

Anyhow, my wife has two children from her previous marriage (her husband, and one of my good friends, passed on only a couple years after they wed). Well, through various circumstances, the kids' grandmother was able to get permanent custody of the kids (circumstances that are a whole other story of themselves)... It's been FIVE years since my wife has even been allowed to see her children. A couple years ago, the courts terminated her parental rights for her son.

(I should note here, that my wife actually was guilty of no wrong-doing...if so, there undoubtedly would have been some kind of charges, etc. but these are not necessary in this state...it seems almost inconceivable, but in FL, it is EXTREMELY easy for the State to take a child from a parent....)

Well, both kids basically went just about nuts living with their grandma it seems... The son was given up by them, and is now in foster care (and about impossible for us to get back). (another note, I am and have been both kids' Godfather). But, grandma just had a stroke, and is unable to deal with the daughter (10) now...

So, in about a week, we'll be welcoming her back. It's exciting, but also scary as hell! We have no idea, and can only imagine, what kind of lies she's been filled with. She has behavioural issues, and is likely prone to breaking things, etc. This is going to be one tough transition, for all of us, her included. Poor kid...

All we can do is just be the loving caring people we are I guess, and hope she simply sees that. We are so happy to have her back...in spite of it all though....

Just had to share this... I know that almost nobody visits this forum, but if I act weird or anything soon, you'll know why, hehe....

[Edited on 12-11-2004 by Gazrok]

That's great news Gaz, your wife especially must be over the moon. I wouldn't sweat it, I'm sure you'll be a great dad. Good luck.

Well Congratulations Gaz!! I hope everything turns out ok. You have a tough job ahead of you, but im sure you can handle it. Im so happy for you guys! This is great news.

Don't worry buddy.

As a father of two (one is 3 and the other is 8 months) you got past the hard part.

Kids really do respect and respond to two things.

Mutual respect and a firm grasp on discipline (firm but fair of course).

In your case I would recommend a game plan to lay out to her when she returns, but mainly concentrate on the love for the first bit (mainly so she can feel comfortable and so you can sort of assess the situation and plan accordingly).

As for discipline, I would recommend a graduated scale starting small and working up as the trust/bonding move forward.

Good luck. I hope my words help you.

If there is love, all other things fall into place more easily.

Congratulations Gaz

Congrats Gaz, you'll make a good dad for them.

I have a 10 year old daughter myself, and I know that it is quite a challenge that you are about to go through, but it will be a worthwhile one I'm sure in the end.
I can imagine that it will be very hard to adjust to the new circumstances for all of you but with a lot of patience and understanding I'm sure that you will all be ok.

Congratulations! I hope fatherhood proceeds smoothly for you and your new family.

Its so hard to adjust to new parents. When I was a kid, both my parents got remarried. I hated my stepmom and loved my stepdad. My stepdad was always there for me, but didnt push himself into my life, so I just kind of grew to accept him.

My stepmom is a whole nother story. I still hate her, and my dad.

Anyways, I bet you'll make a great stepdad.

Thanks all..

As I mentioned though, the hard part of this is going to be the "deprogramming"....

We actually got to see and talk to her yesterday...

It's amazing how much she's changed! I remember her as a little 5 year old...

Anyhow, we spent about 3 1/2 hours just talking, getting to know each other again, laughing, crying, all of that. It's amazing to hear some of the wacked out lies that were put into the girl's head. Everything from stories about her real father killing gays, and other stuff I won't even go into. Jeez....

And we learned the cause of all of this too.... It seems that her grandma has trouble distinguishing between dreams and real life. Hence, why the little girl (no names here obviously) was sent to JC. Grandma says she woke up to her holding a knife to her and was hitting her, etc. In speaking with her, there is absolutely NO way this happened. The girl admits to throwing a tantrum that night and to slapping her arm, but says the rest is fantasy. And, apparently, such distortions have been going on a LONG time.

This explains the drive behind the original reasons she must have had to take the kids in the first place. As I mentioned, sadly in this state, inuendo, even wild inuendo, is enough (when combined with a pricey lawyer) to take away a mother's children.

We both feel very relieved though. She is understandably apprehensive about moving. She says she feels unwanted by her grandma, and feels like she's being "traded". She wonders why she can't see her brother. (My wife's parental rights were terminated a couple years ago... Grandma decided she couldn't deal with him anymore (more likely couldn't deal with her delusions about him), and basically abandoned him to the state. We fought to get him back, and again, against baseless claims and a pricey lawyer, we failed on that account). This is all perhaps the saddest part.

I guess all we can do is show her that we are loving, caring people. We assured her that there is no "trade" or shuffling. We are simply overjoyed to see her again, and for the opportunity of being with her mother, just as I am overjoyed at being her stepdad.

There are good signs...she already referred to us as parents, and me as daddy...(something I didn't expect till WAY later). Hugs upon leaving, and when we asked what to bring to the shelter for her, she said simply "yourselves"....

(aw damn, see now I made myself tear up....)

[Edited on 4-4-2004 by Gazrok]

Originally posted by Gazrok
Everything from stories about her real father killing gays, and other stuff I won't even go into. Jeez....
[Edited on 4-4-2004 by Gazrok]

Holy Sh...!!! Gaz, that is messed up. Well it looks like you're off to a better start than you thought, I'm sure it'll all work out nicely.

What about your wife's son? Is there any chance of getting him back at all.

Anyway, good luck in all of your endeavors "Daddy".

If you were as easily ammused as me I'd put "Who's the Daddy?" in my mood or sub heading.

Good luck man.

[Edited on 4-4-2004 by John Nada]

There is nothing like the love of a child and a parent (even if it is not from your sperm).

A lot of men think that being strong means to hide your emotions and love, but I think that is stupid.

Being strong is doing what is hard when it is right but also to show your love.

Originally posted by KrazyJethro
Being strong is doing what is hard when it is right but also to show your love.

here here, I couldn't agree more. Children need to see affection from the mother AND the father, no macho nonsense.

Good luck! and i hope everything goes well with your new daughter.

congrats and good luck Gaz. I know that you'll be an awesome father to this girl.

I have a daughter who'll be 12 this summer, it's a job.

My Daughter lives with her mom, so I only see her a fews times out of the year. I always try to be there for her by the phone and email.

One thing that I have learned over the years, is just listen to her, let her talk and always listen. Communication is the key.

Again, Good luck and God Bless.

Good luck Gaz, big journey ahead. I think all members, especialy parents, here are behind you.

Hey, Congradulations Gaz !!!

That will have been one hell of a year for you, huh? I'm sure you'll be a great dad.

Hey man, Congratulations. Im sure you'll make a great father.

Take care, Shadow

Thanks again all...

To answer some questions, no, there isn't much chance of getting back the son... Her parental rights were terminated, meaning as far as FL is concerned, he isn't her son. However, once the daughter is adjusted, etc. it may allow us to realistically pursue the reunification of him back into the family.

Like the daughter, he supposedly has behavioral issues (gee, no wonder, huh?) and the courts said he needs round the clock surveillance (which is likely BS, what he needs is a stable homelife with a family, not two women who isolate him from the rest of the world and think that any human with a penis is evil to the core)....

Yep, btw, if you haven't guessed yet, grandma bats for the other team if you know what I mean.... This is the reason why my wife's parental rights were never terminated.... If they were, the girl would have gone into foster care, (just like the son), and they didn't want that...

It's really just one long Springer episode waiting to happen....

If these kids really have behavioral issues you might want to consult with a experience psychologist on how to best integrate them, or what to expect.