I am a prisoner of my life

Thanks to ATS to give me the possibility of speaking and maybe of finding a solution.
I live with a man since years 17. We have a 4-year-old girl. We met then after three months, we lived together. We always say that at the beginning it is best but in my case, in no way. I was unfortunate but I did not dare to say it to my parents, then I stayed. I was unfortunate because he was and is always indifferent and very hard. He is kind, it is a good father but with me, I have the impression to make party of the furniture of the house for a long time. Never of kisses, compliments, encouragements... In 17 years, he said to me only once " I love you ". Never of presents, unforesee releases and no sex, he doesn't like it. Not many.
I am told that I am attractive, but he never. If I he say " you love me? ", he answers " and you? ", if I say you don't love to me, him answer " you either ". Here we are, it is my life, I do not see any more my family, our friends are common thus I can speak to nobody, then, I do not know what to make. When I say by joking, " I am going to leave ", he says " you will see hardly your daughter ", that I have to make?
Is there anybody who is in the same situation as me? If I leave with my daughter, he will be sad because he loves her and it is a good father, but I cannot leave only, it would be terrible for me. And if I leave, I should leave far, because I could not begin again my life in my city. We are bound by our daughter, our house, our work, we always worked together. I have stopped to work for 4 years to occupy me of my daughter, and I try to find an employment independent from him but it is not easy. I do not know what to make, to live in the indifference it is the worse than everything. I do not love him any more for a long time but I do not want to hurt him. If I wait that my daughter is an adult, it will be too late for me later. I go out 1 - 2 times a week from my home, I do not see almost any more our friends,I withdraw on me even a little more every day;
If you have testimonies has to bring me, thank you.

reply to post by coline

Damn. I really don't know what to say

But I didn't want your thread to be alone.

Misfit

If it will be to late in the future don't look back and go now. Live your life for you and your daughter, not him. I have a friend in a similar position, but she just won't budge. Do it for your sanity.

Do you really think ATS is the place to be getting relationship advice?

That being said, the only advice I can give you, is that YOU have the right to be happy also, no matter what that takes.

And, remember, your daughter will be able to tell that you aren't happy, and will always wonder why you don't do things to make yourself happy. Our children can see more and tell more about what we have going on than we can possibly realize. We often think we can keep secrets from our children, but they can tell.

This is not only the wrong forum for this kind of thing; it is the wrong board altogether. But if you come to ATS asking for marital advice, then be prepared to recieve more than you bargained for.

Does your husband* abuse, exploit or maltreat you? It doesn't seem so from your post. It is merely that he is undemonstrative. Well, some people are like that. If you married one, then it's up to you to make a special effort to bring him round. If you cannot or will not do that, you must make way for another who will.

The same goes for his sexual indifference. Obviously it wasn't always so or you would never have got together in the first place. He has tired of you, or you have made him tired of you - constant complaints and demands that he declare his love for you will do that. Either way, if you don't like the situation you must find a way to win him back, or else leave him - for his sake as well as your own.

You do not help your case by making an excuse of your child, who is your stated reason both for staying in this unsatisfactory relationship and for not getting yourself a job and making something worthwhile out of your life. Many people, myself included, will merely conclude that you can't be bothered.

The tone and content of your post suggest both ugly self-pity and an insufficiently gratified craving for attention. Your decision to bring material like this to ATS suggests precisely the same - not to mention an ill-suppressed desire to shame your husband.

Madam: you, like all of us, must take responsibility for your own life and your own happiness. If you can't take responsibility for them on your own, get professional help. Possibly the help you need is medical: you may be depressed. Consider the possibility.

If you don't like your life, for heaven's sake find yourself some gumption and make yourself another one. Or - if you feel that, for the sake of your daughter, you simply must put up with a husband you plainly have not the slightest affection for - then make that decision and be brave about it instead of indecently exposing your personal life to the whole wide world.

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*I don't care whether you have a marriage certificate or not, if you've been living with the man for 17 years he's your husband and that's that.

reply to post by Astyanax


I know that it indeed is not to speak about my private life, but çà does good to me. I tried to get back to his love, but I did not make a success. I am pretty, I pay attention on me a lot, if I am too pretty he asks me if I go to the carnival! It is very humiliating sometimes. When I said that I was unfortunate at the beginning of our relation it is because he pushed away me when I wanted to make love. He said to me tomorrow, tomorrow I thought that he was going to change and I liked loved him, I was 19 years old! I try to speak to him about us, but for him everything is well. To speak about it would be face the truth and I think that he is afraid of it. He likes his quiet life, and then he would be afraid of losing his daughter. I am shared between the envy to leave and the fault...

reply to post by ParanormalShiver


Thank you, for your answer, it is not so easy, but your encouragements give me a good kick in the behind!

reply to post by coline


You know in this time an age nobody is a slave to their life and situation, is always ways to get away from something that doesn't make us happy.

And for your daughter depending how old is she is not way that he can take her away from you if you decided to separate from him.

Good luck, but remember our own mental blocks are the one that keep us enslave.

Liberate yourself.

You know if you stay things will not get any better. Find your freedom and happiness elsewhere. I wish you luck and happiness.

reply to post by Night Star


Thank you, I am touched by your intervention

reply to post by ThreeDeuce


I do not know if it is a good idea to expose my life on ATS, but for me it is as a call, a message in a bottle. And even if I do not find a good solution, I feel less alone now. It is poignant, I know...

reply to post by coline


Don't take this the wrong way... but I'm surprised you haven't been flamed yet.

Normally, I would have expected people to be less than welcoming with an introduction story like yourself, especially one as misplaced as this one.

But, I guess that is good luck for you!

So, what do you want us to tell you? Do you want us to say "get out"? Do you want us to say "Stay with him for the sake of your kid"? Do you want us to comfort you?

Is this a plea for attention?

reply to post by ThreeDeuce

Don't take this the wrong way... but I'm surprised you haven't been flamed yet.

You should have seen the first draft of my post above.

Then I calmed down a bit.

No one is a prisoner of anything other then their own fears.

It's You and Your Fear that keeps you from being FREE.

reply to post by ThreeDeuce

I do not want that we say to me he is nasty, kept silent are kind, leave... It is the man indeed but very hard, who does not like much (he hate soccer , sports, gays, lesbians, he is a racist). I would like that persons who separated say to me how it took place, if they regretted, I do not know. I look for a means to put me on the way, the click....
I am simply lost... But, really, it does good to me to read messages, because positive or negative, I say to myself that somebody knows that is my life while here nobody knows it. In fact, nobody knows me. Before, I laughed, I sang (badly!) all day long, I joked, I liked the life. I want to become again as it, because somewhere, I hold it against him to see that I am switched off and to make nothing.
Apparently, there are no persons separated on site.. All the reflections will be useful for me.

reply to post by ParanormalShiver


Thank you, I hope that your friend will manage to manage. It is true that in that case the money is a true problem, but me I am going to try to find some work quickly, because I do not want to deprive my daughter. If I can help your friend in any way, say the I.

reply to post by EverythingYouDespise
Are you offering to murder this poor confused creature's husband for her?

Or are you merely offering consultancy services?

Either way, you may be violating the terms and conditions. See clauses 2e and, particularly, 4.

Originally posted by EverythingYouDespise
[snip] the quoted material violated the Terms and Conditions

What the hell is wrong with you ?!?!

I'll take the one-line penalty.



Mod Edit - quoted material removed.

[edit on 9-8-2008 by elevatedone]

And thank goodness for it !!!

[edit on 9/8/08 by Misfit]

reply to post by Astyanax


When I saw the message this morning, I was enormously shocked. I am anxious to say that in spite of the problems which I meet at present, NEVER I had the idea to hurt however manners it belongs to the father of my daughter. Never. I thank ATS for having censored this message.
Who can have such thoughts?
I hope that I expressed well myself because I would not want that we think that I have of bad intentions to him. Thank you still for your messages in all and in all.