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I lied to myself

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posted on Apr, 14 2008 @ 02:46 PM
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ugh...i tried the friends with benefits thing with the guy
(i posted a while back about me and this dude whos on parole and a sex offdender and im trying to be a law enforcement officer) well i let myself get emotionally into him and well he told me it cant be serious etc cuz my career choice his record and past and he has major issues because he lost his wife and child when he went to prison . His wife divorced him etc.

anyway so i accepted it and was like we can be friends who messaround then he was willing to do that thats what he wanted anyway a female he can be friends with talk to hang but be sexual with but no long term thing and we can see other people

so i tried this i thouht i could do it i really did but then i lied to myself...for a couple weeks we tried it it was nice but i made the mistake of sleepng over and i liked it soo much
sidenote: im 24 and have never had a boyfriend until now.. al of this stuff is my first time. i mean yes i have had sex before but it was always drunk b.s nothing serious i never let myself have a relationship before until now

anyway so i came home after sleeping and got soo bummed realized i cant do this anymore i just cant. and it hurts so bad . i want to be his FRIEND only but i cant right now its going to take me aw hile. ugh
also i feel i will never meet anyone else i hate this feeling..

he treated me soo well .. i never been treated liek that before and im am super scared there are no other men who know how to treat a ladyugh
i know souns sooo freakin cliche but ghsfhdkfd why does that happen?

why the feeling??? why is it that someone can affect u so much.?
why is it that people can like change habits stop smoking stop eating sweets etc but its soooo hard to stop being with a guy? this is al new to me guys im sorry if i sound so immature/naive

and i piss myself off for even letting myself fall for someone so hard especially know ing it cant get serious
why did i fall for a darn parolee???

why why
its not making me change my career choice thoug h i am MEANT TO BE IN LAW ENFORCEMENT!!
its just that hes a great guy to me it makes this harder if he was an butt head then it would be maybe easier!?!?!!? help hgbhdgd
i hate this crap




posted on Apr, 14 2008 @ 07:38 PM
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reply to post by TheBadge
 


As I recall you're a Correctional Officer; as such you should never have a relationship with a parolee. The two are not compatible. Choose one or the other; it's not fair but that is how it is. If you were a co-worker of mine my advice would be to drop the relationship or resign. Harsh I know but you can be compromised putting not only your safety but that of your fellow officers at risk. Think long and hard.



posted on Apr, 14 2008 @ 09:25 PM
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reply to post by gallopinghordes
 


Exactly!

Great advice...

Here is some more..

By now, almost everyone knows I am a Law Enforcement Officer. Career in fact, from road cop, to SWAT to Detective, to Administration.

All of those years I worked the road, after my first divorce, I remained single. WHY? Not for lack of women, or opportunity, no, because of conflicts and well... The job...

A decision has to be made. Are you going to lead your life based on what you believe in, the honor of standing up and defending others? If you are, you have to give up some things that others take for granted.

I wrote a piece awhile ago about the badge, in it I touched on some of the things I teach in my ethics class; specifically about giving up rights when becoming an officer. One of those rights is the one you face now. You do NOT have the right to associate with whomever you choose and remain in Law Enforcement.

As Gallopinhordes stated, lives can be put at risk, information given out and more than one career ruined if you continue on in the path you are currently on.

Just advice, but after 22 years, it is probably pretty good advice.

By the way, after staying single all those years, I met my life's partner, My Wife, at the age of 41 and have never been happier. Now in an Administrative and Investigative position, I can devote my time and attention to a relationship. Seldom is the night I don't get on my knees and part of my prayers is to thank The Lord for giving me the wisdom and the strength to wait...

Semper



posted on Apr, 14 2008 @ 09:47 PM
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Dear TheBadge
Please take Semper and Galopinghordes advice, it is not worth it girl, stay away from him.
You have great carrier ahead of you, don't waste it. Please.

He may be wonderful, yes, but you have to make a choice, with out regrets.
Make that choice carefully. Because you can't hide what you are doing, it will surface at some time in your life, it will compromise you.
It is either or.
Good Luck
WIS



posted on Apr, 14 2008 @ 10:06 PM
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reply to post by TheBadge
 

Some of us seem to fall for cowboys and outlaws. There is an excitement about them. They usually know how to treat a woman and make her feel special. Of course they do....they are con men.

I've been married several times and had many boyfriends. Each one seemed to be the one I could not live without.

Finally met a guy that is so squeaky clean it hurts. He never touched drugs or alcohol or did all the things I did for fun. He's probably the best man I've ever dated. I didn't date for 7 years after my last divorce until I met Mr. Clean lol. I believe he's a keeper.

My advice to you would be to bury yourself in your dreams of being in law enforcement and strive to be the very best you can be.

There are many good men that are looking for an equally good woman. Love will come to you again. I know your heart is broken. It will mend and be stronger than before.

May all your dreams and wishes come true.



posted on Apr, 14 2008 @ 10:34 PM
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Originally posted by TheBadge
ugh...i tried the friends with benefits thing with the guy
(i posted a while back about me and this dude whos on parole and a sex offdender ...
(


I have to ask you. What were you thinking? If you are thinking about walking around in public with a gun and a badge you need to make sure you are able to make good judgment calls. Getting involved with a sex offender is an extremely unsettlingly bad judgment call. Don't even think about getting with a sex offender. May I ask why you want to be a cop?

Hey Semper long time no see. Did you get a new graphics program? Your fonts look different than they used to. Wicked. Did you make WIS's avvy? They look like they both came from the same program.

Peace cousin




[edit on 14-4-2008 by LoneGunMan]



posted on Apr, 15 2008 @ 12:22 AM
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You are just falling for the BadBoy image because the Mother instinct in you is kicking in and telling you this BadBoy needs help.

Opposites attract and there is a reason why you two are "taboo" to each other. It's probably because you two know it's dangerously wrong.
You would not want to put yourself in an awkward situation and let your guard down with this guy because he knows what he is doing and also because he can see in your eyes what you feel.
Don't be fooled and be strong.



posted on Apr, 15 2008 @ 01:54 AM
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Well you know him better than I do, but I don't see why the man's past should effect your future together, unless there's something in the present that makes you suspect that his past actions could become future actions. He had an affair on his last wife, maybe he'd do the same to you.



posted on Apr, 15 2008 @ 02:04 AM
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Hiyah Badge...

I disagree with that whole "Bad Boy" crap, you didn't fall for a "Bad Boy" you fell for a convicted sex offender, period. These people as we ALL know, you more then others even, cannot be rehabilitated, will never stop, cannot be trusted and you KNEW this going in?

That is a SERIOUS error in judgment on your part. This goes way beyond falling for a "Bad Boy" and just from your story, I think you need some counseling and quick.... for two reasons...

1) No well grounded emotionally stable person would ever go near someone they knowingly knew was a sex offender. Let alone sleep with them.

2) I realize you think you love this person, and you're feeling down on yourself and depressed...and this is only compounds the problem of your already WAY faulty judgment and perception of life and yourself.

Please, you seem like a caring person who's just gone off track, way off track, you need professional help to understand what in yourself allowed you to even think about getting involved with this man.

And listen to Semper as well and the other good advice, but this is not the behavior of a normal well adjusted person, you need a caring therapist for sure, good luck and please keep us updated
I wish you all the luck and positive karma in the world



posted on Apr, 15 2008 @ 12:06 PM
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hey everyone thanks soo much!!

im not a current corrections officer but im trying tobe one..it takes a while the whole process.. but yes i know i know it was a huge mistake to get involved in the first place..
he came up to me at my work place (a cafe) gave me a rose with his number etc..i think a big reason i fell hard is because i have never experienced that before.. honestly from ages 14-22 i was way to wild a real party girl never had a relationship all my hook ups were stupid drunk one night deals..

i realized that lifestyle affected my ability to have a real relationship with out alcohol.

anyway so yeah i got smitten.. we hung out a few times then he revealed the info about being on parole and the s/o thing. i was understanding as he explained the situation. what he did wasnt like someting i would freak out over. basically he tried to copy sally manns photography.. with a neighrbors child.
at that point i guess i was just whatever about it all because i was like oh my god this guy digs me for me.. etc

i know well i cut off the relationship i said i cant do this without emotions and i cant just be friends right now. its hard .

i want to do the courts and detentions route for the sheriffs dept. i want a career i love. i joined an academy of corrections for a more in depth look and i loved it! plus my ultimate goal is to be a forensic tech. and i want to go to school as well. when it comes time to become a forensic tech i want something to set myself apart from the rest of the competition not just a degree but real experience .

i know i made a serious error in judgement i didntknow i would fall so hard i really didn't. i do know why though like i said this is all a first time. never had a guy do those tyupe of things for me/to me.

not all sex offenders are complete pervs

anyway so it just sucks man the whole situation the way it works. its a weird feeling to know u cant ever be with someone because of circumstance. it hurts and i feel bad cuz he wasnt an a hole to me or anbything it would probably be easier if he was an ass to me

well he knows i have a great career ahead of me..when i tried to get serious he was like oh no..and told me i need to see the reality of the situation that us getting serious can never work. that eventually it wouldbe found out.. and it isntfair to me to have to be hiding around and stuff.
he said also eventually people in love want to live together etc.. he said its not easy for him to just move wherever he pleases he has to tellneighrbos the landlord etc. he said its not easy btu he didnt intend for me to fall so hard. he wanted a female companion he can have fun with and be intimate but nothing long term because he just cant emotionally give someone waht they deserve. weird weird situation!! so itsnot like he was making me choose him or a career.. he knows i have a life ahead of me and doesnt want me to mess it up. silly me saying WELL YOU WONT BE ON PAROLE FOREVER. haha hes like no i wont but i will be sex offender forever do you know how bad that would be if sheriffs dept found out?
ugh yes i do.

i guess i wasblinded from reality by the feeling of being liked??


hey dizziedame thanks! yeah i mean i know theres so many other people out there in this world. i just hate this temporary feeling.. i hate feeling like there arent other men why does that happen? haha time does heal but damn i wish it would speed up!

also i have many underlying issues obviously i have low self esteem and i feel guys wont like me cuz im ugly/fat stupid crap like that but i AM working on all that because its the first step is really loving yourself to let others love you. also my priorities right now shouldnt be men either. it needs to be myself. working out..job hunting..feeling good with out a male.

i dont wany everyone to think i will be a sketchy officer not at all.. it was weird it was 2 weeks after i graduated from the academy when i met him i really thought i had a good head on my shoulders. but wow.
i know this is a bad call but at least it ended before its too late.
althoughi do miss him i really do
and i feel for him because i dont want him to be lonely but iknow hes a friendly guy and can meet others. its just ughg quite hard im sure u all know.

and thanks everyone it gives me hope. one day ill meet an equally great guy sans the record haha



posted on Apr, 15 2008 @ 12:15 PM
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Please, you seem like a caring person who's just gone off track, way off track, you need professional help to understand what in yourself allowed you to even think about getting involved with this man.


i want professional help but where? i cant afford it at all
i have a weird life right now if anyone wants to hear? yeah im not fully stable yet. i live in a one bedroom apt with my parents im 24. i work in a cafe. i dropped out of high school so i could party it up. it obviously didnt work out for me.
i never had a boyfriend before. i was sexually abused. i had to house hop for a year and thats whhy im back with my fam. all i want to do is go to freakin school but i have to work right now to save to get my own place. ugh its hard but honestly my fault i should have never dropped out of high school
i just hate how my mind frame was SOOOOO different back then and now im like all about school. i used to think ugh college is dumb blah blah. ugdjbd im pissed at myself trust me and i really would love someone to talk to about my problems someone professional but i have no idea who or where? i dont have medical insurance or anything i feel lame. i feel like a loser or something i mean dammit why did i chose partying over other things?

anyone here a professional?

[edit on 15-4-2008 by TheBadge]



posted on Apr, 15 2008 @ 12:18 PM
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reply to post by semperfortis
 




You do NOT have the right to associate with whomever you choose and remain in Law Enforcement.



exactly i know..i learned harshly. also in the academy one of the first things they drilled into our heads is "IMAGE IS EVERYTHING IN THIS LINE OF WORK"
it matters who you associate with. I KNOW THIS i do i do its just wow i just got in over my damn head. im glad this happend sooner than later. i mean i met the guy in january so its not like years invested.

but yes sadly image is everything but hey its part of what i want to do . it doesnt make me NOT want to work in law enforcement. i just had a harsh reality check. but honestly it will make me stronger and i know i cant fall for small talk from inmates and stuff. but also made me realize they are humans too. of course not all inmates are stand up guys haha but everyone has feelings etc. doesnt mean going to get mushy with themno way!



posted on Apr, 15 2008 @ 06:49 PM
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i had to house hop for a year and thats whhy im back with my fam. all i want to do is go to freakin school but i have to work right now to save to get my own place. ugh its hard but honestly my fault i should have never dropped out of high school
i just hate how my mind frame was SOOOOO different back then and now im like all about school.


Dont beat yourself up so much you are young and have made some mistakes. You sound like you are learning from them so that is what matters. Be patient finish school and fulfill your dreams.

If you want to stand the blue line though be sure its for good reasons. Its a hard job with hard decisions everyday. At times from what I have been told from friends it is the most rewarding job a person can have.

Maybe those hard times are to prepare you to wear that badge and be a good cop. Take your bruises and use them to push yourself to what you want.

Good Luck, LGM



posted on Apr, 16 2008 @ 12:33 PM
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reply to post by LoneGunMan
 





Maybe those hard times are to prepare you to wear that badge and be a good cop. Take your bruises and use them to push yourself to what you want.


yesss exACTLY thats what I thought of! these type of things can make a person strong or weak its up to the person to choose what they do with the hardships brought upon them. and i choose to make myself stronger. i think everything does happen for a reason!
i mean what are the freakin odds that i meet a great guy two wks after graduation from the academy and he happens to be a parolee/so like seriously what are the odds? haha
thanks LGM!!!!!



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