Advice desperately needed.

I'm hoping someone has been in a similar situation, and can either reassure me that it all works out fine, or give me some advice maybe.

I don't really want to spread my life over the 'net but I don't have many actual physical friends due to illness, so strangers are useful sometimes, and they're more likely to give you a mix of advice I always think.

I've been with my other half (fiancee) for 9 years, trouble is, I've felt a deep longing need to be with her since almost day one, it was so unbearable, because I thought she didn't seem that bothered that I had to finish with her, but it became totally unbearable without her (moreso than being with her and not knowing how she felt), that I asked her back out. We eventually got engaged and we've been together 9 years since. Now, I've had this deep sense of love for all these years, and over the years we never argued or fallen out, but I told her how I felt about November last year (because we sort of stopped talking for a bit, I'll get to that in a sec), she told me she loved me and had taken me for granted and that she's never felt this way before (I'm sort of her first relationship to be honest). I suppose I thought she'd admit to feeling the same, but she doesn't, she says she loves me deeply, but I definitely need her more than she needs me. I asked her to stay over years ago and she said no but recently I asked again and she said yes, however, she doesn't seem to honestly feel that comfortable in my house, and told me that she feels homesick when she's with me and feels she doesn't spend that much time at home anymore (I see her about 34-40 hours a week, and not counting being asleep she obviously spends more time at home, and in work of course, so I don't get to see her that much anyway).

Due to our circumstances, it would be impossible to live together at the moment, but that's sort of my dream, to get married and move in, she says thats what she wants, but when I asked her after I told her how I felt she said "I don't see it happening", so I'm confused.

Trouble is, I'm so deeply in love with this woman that no one else compares, it sounds really stupid but she only has to touch me to turn me on, and no one else even comes close anymore (it just doesn't do anything in the trouser department, nothing, nada, not even a raise unless its her), I look at people I might have found attractive before, and there is nothing, all I can do is think what's wrong with them compared to her, its nuts, its like she's perfect in my mind and everyone else is wrong and no matter how I try, I can't stop it.

I would obviously be devestated if we split up, but I seem to be totally dependant on this woman, and she seems to be distancing herself from me now, I asked her if I was 'too full on' and alas, she said yes, it was 'going to fast for her', but I'd hoped that 9 years would have given her the same level of feelings for me as I had for her from almost day one. I asked her if she wanted time to herself as she said yes, then no, then said she likes spending time with me and is comfortable with how much we spend together at the moment and is trying to see me more, however, when I asked the hypothetical "If you could would you spend more time with me?" she at first said no, then said that's not what she meant.

Is she just trying not to hurt my feelings? Has the love gone? We spent two years where I was obviously feeling this overwhelming love and she started to drift apart from me, she said it was because I ignored her, but I ignored her because she ignored me, we stopped kissing, saying I love you etc, and I'm somewhat scared she perhaps found someone else then but they broke it off and thats why she said she "took me for granted" because she knows I'll always be there for her whatever.

I can't hate her and I can't love her any less, I tried, I thought if we were at the same level we could grow together, but I can't, I'm 1000% infatuated, and she isn't. Trouble is, I can't make her love me any more than she does and I wouldn't want her to. I feel so guilty having these feelings of wanting to be with her all the time when she says she has things to do and tells me "I hate hurting you because I want to play on the computer or spend time at home", and lately she's been either saying "if you can't accept that then..." or "I don't want to leave you but..."

What should I do? Should I try my best to back off, not be so full on, or have I broken what we had already and can't repair it? I SO don't want to loose the woman I thought would be my wife, but I hate making her feel its her fault and feel guilty like I'm 'making' her see me when she needs time to herself.

You might not like my advice but I think it's the only way for you to get past this.

You find a way to change your work or living. So you can live with her. Don't ask her to change. If needed find a way then sort of leak the idea in the form of thought. ex. "I'm thinking of ........" , "I've always wondered about,changing job,place I live.

It sounds like she brought up something about living together. She knows you heard her and expects you to make the move.

Good Luck

Originally posted by Dos555
You might not like my advice but I think it's the only way for you to get past this.

You find a way to change your work or living. So you can live with her. Don't ask her to change. If needed find a way then sort of leak the idea in the form of thought. ex. "I'm thinking of ........" , "I've always wondered about,changing job,place I live.

It sounds like she brought up something about living together. She knows you heard her and expects you to make the move.

Good Luck

I'm in agreement. This is your shot at life and happyness. Grab it by the horns and ride off into the sunset. You can get another job,your inspiration is your good lady,and the life you want and deserve. Now,this only works if you want it too. It sounds a little like you've knocked her sideways with your comments,maybe she didn't see it coming. But if she's worth it,you'll stick by her,and if she thinks your worth it,she'll stick by you.

You've been together 9 years,that's a long time. You know eachother better than most who move in after much shorter periods. That's a big pluss point.

It's scary,it's daunting. But it won't ever happen unless YOU make it happen. If this woman is the love of your life,just do it maaan.

I wish you the best,I hope that if not my post,then another one will give you the inspiration to do what you feel is right.

Trouble is, we can't. Here's the issue:

I live with my father, she live with her brother and mother, my mother passed away and my father is quite elderly, and I wouldn't want to leave him on his own, and she wouldn't leave her mother either, and I wouldn't expect her to. She pays the mortgage on her house (we. i.e. father and I rent), and we don't have enough income to take out another and theres just not any way aside from winning the lottery that could change the circumstances, they are very odd.

The only way we could is if we all lived together, but again, we just don't have the money to buy a big enough house for that to ever happen, and I just spoke with her mother and she seems to think she sees too much of me as it is (when I feel completely the opposite). She'd never come and live with me because of the 'homesick/won't leave mother' thing, I think and there's not enough space for me at their house (aside from the whole leaving my father alone).

I just think she doesn't see any future at all for us and so she's given up wanting it even at a slim chance (I mean, I don't care if we don't get married until we're 80 in a care home, I'd love her forever either way).

Elliot:

To be able to give a good advice, I would need to know the origin of your illness, whether healing is possible, whether you have a good mobility and so on. That is, do you depend on her only from sentimental reasons or from practical domestic reasons too? This is not a question based on curiosity, I can assure you.

From my experience, men are more frequently fearful of "getting trapped" by marriage, maybe she is the other type...

Why don't you propose her to live together, say for a couple of years, so that both you can see whether the other fills his/her expectations?

Maybe she is the one who fears to get trapped by marriage, she seems, for what you say, reasonably satisfied with her present situation at home.

Sorry, Elliott, I didn't read your latest post. You explain it very well.

I have a cousin in an exact situation, not for an small house, but for his widow mother. His fiancée lives 700 kilometers away and has a widow mother too. They only can be together for holidays, some long week-ends, Easter and Christmas. And they are over 50!

Sorry again for the previous post.

ok first off dont listen to these others, now I know that sounds harsh but you have developed a relationship that at this point is unhealthy period. stop and look back on everything you have written about how you feel you need to seek some counseling, and I am not saying this to be mean or hurtful but it is apparent you have soem issues that need to be addressed. Not that it is wrong to love someone so much but the way you desribe it sounds really more obsessive than anything.

Part of the problem you are having now stems from the fact you have now given her the power in the relationship. By telling her all that you have shown how weak you are. Yes it all works that way in the movies, but this isn't the movies. The reality of it is women respond the best to men who come across as being in control of themselves and the world around them. Right now you are showing niether of those. You don't choose to change yourself because of her you do it because you know it is the right path for you not because the relationship hangs in the balance. Until you stop and love yourself no one else can.

Jovi1's post is absolutely right.

I think that true love is something to be reached when both members are centered and have a good independent life, no true love can be attained if one of the two takes the other as a crucht to keep going...

reply to post by ejsaunders



First off, if you are engaged, there is no such thing as spending too much time together.

It sounds like she is codependant on her mother, and her mother has control of her life.

it sounds like your girl has a lot of issues she needs to deal with before she can ever be with you.

There is more here then meets the eye. If you love someone, and want to start a family with them. That is what you do. You don't stay at your parents house because you are "homesick"


If you can love one person, you can love another. I am afraid that unless she deals with the condependancy issues, you will never be together. You may need to consider moving on.

Jovi1 is exactley right!

You never found out the reason you two were ignoring eachother...hmmn?

...if this is the only real relationship that she has had, she might be curious of maybe experimenting with others in her life.
(I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, this is just my opinion)

Do you know what all she is doing on the computer?

My ex lived with me for 8 years, and we dated for 2 before that, and were never married.
He was pretty obsessed, I guess you might say, and started recording my phone calls, bought a web watcher on the net, questioned me about everything, and it really turned me off.

I would let her breathe a lil bit.

A good thing for you both to do is take a day apart, with no communication.

Write your likes, and dislikes, about eachother on a piece of paper, and anything else that comes to mind on how you feel about eachother, and what you can do to make your relationship better!
If there are any secrets, they might come out then.

Sometimes it's easier to communicate, and express your feelings on paper, and not in person.

If you do that, you both should go over the list alone, then later on with eachother.