Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding Controversial Experiment Comes To An End

Super Monkey Collider Loses Funding
Controversial Experiment Comes To An End
October 22, 1996 | Issue 30•11

Congress voted Monday to cut federal funding for the superconducting monkey collider, a controversial experiment which has cost taxpayers an estimated $7.6 billion a year since its creation in 1983.

Monkeys relax in the main hallway of the abandoned collider, which, if successful, would have smashed the primates together at near-light speeds.

The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds before smashing them together. Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

Full Story: www.theonion.com...

Well. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later...



Mod Edit: External Source Tags – Please Review This Link.

Mod Note (This Appears On Every New Thread/Post Reply Page): AboveTopSecret.com takes pride in making every post count. Please do not create minimal posts or simple "I agree" posts when replying to threads. If you feel inclined to make the board aware of news, current events, or important information from other sites that supports the thread; please post one or two paragraphs, a link to the entire story, AND your opinion, twist or take on the news item as it relates to the thread.

[edit on 7/10/2007 by Mirthful Me]

are you for real...
this cant be a real story????
is it?????

Lol, I love the Onion. Not sure this should be in the Science & Tech forum though. It's satire after all... and some people might take it seriously.

You had me at Super Monkey.



Josh

[edit on 6-10-2007 by 3rdeye]

ummmmmmmmmm. ok.
Very funny stuff for cheering me up on a very cold and rainy night.

Originally posted by Alexander the o.k.

Monkeys relax in the main hallway of the abandoned collider

Hey Morgan, wanna get a cuppa joe ?

Nah, Friends is on.

would have smashed the primates together at near-light speeds.

Umm...this is some GOOD coffee !!!

The collider, which was to be built within a 45-mile-long circular tunnel, would accelerate monkeys to near-light speeds

Moooooooooorrrrrrrggggaaaaaaaaaaaannnnn.....
Waaaaaaaaannnaaa cuuuuupppaaaa joeeee ????

before smashing them together.

Dammit Morgan, you got your peanut-
butter in my chocolate !

Scientists insist the collider is an important step toward understanding the universe, because no one can yet say for certain what kind of noises monkeys would make if collided at those high speeds.

[garbled] ing coffee !!! Dammit Morgan !!

"It could be a thump, a splat, or maybe even a sound that hasn't yet been heard by human ears,"

Tarzan could not be reached,
for comment.

"How are we supposed to understand things like the atom or the nature of gravity if we don't even know what colliding monkeys sound like?"

Colliding monkeys. Isn't that pornographic,
somehow ?

Now, with funding cut off, the future of our nation's monkey collision program looks bleak.

There's always stem-cell research !

Congress began funding the monkey collider in 1983, after Reed convinced lawmakers that the U.S. was lagging behind the Soviet Union in monkey-colliding technology.

Democrats readily funded the
Bi-Curious George campaign, however.

The above is satire.

I hope you laugh as much as I did,
while writing it.

Regards,
Lex

Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'
| Issue 37•21

DALLAS–At a press conference Monday, Haggar physicists announced the successful development of "Quantum Slacks," attractive, wrinkle-free pants that paradoxically behave like both formal and casual wear.

Scientists at Haggar's Pants Propulsion Laboratory bombard khakis with high-speed pleat particles.

"With this breakthrough, pants enter a whole new dimension," said Dr. Daniel Chang, head of the Haggar team. "Conventional notions about the properties and possibilities of slacks have been completely turned on their head."

Full story: www.theonion.com...

Mod Edit: External Source Tags – Please Review This Link.

Mod Note (This Appears On Every New Thread/Post Reply Page): AboveTopSecret.com takes pride in making every post count. Please do not create minimal posts or simple "I agree" posts when replying to threads. If you feel inclined to make the board aware of news, current events, or important information from other sites that supports the thread; please post one or two paragraphs, a link to the entire story, AND your opinion, twist or take on the news item as it relates to the thread.

[edit on 7/10/2007 by Mirthful Me]

Originally posted by Alexander the o.k.

Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'
| Issue 37•21

DALLAS–At a press conference Monday, Haggar physicists announced the successful development of "Quantum Slacks," attractive, wrinkle-free pants that paradoxically behave like both formal and casual wear.

Gee, Jim...
I feel a bit casual, but that
wedding reception sure is enticing...

Scientists at Haggar's Pants Propulsion Laboratory bombard khakis with high-speed pleat particles.

High-speed pleats. In a folder.
Zip File ?

"Conventional notions about the properties and possibilities of slacks have been completely turned on their head."

Getting a leg up ?

"But an array of technical hurdles kept us from taking the next logical step: colliding pants."

Must have missed the early teen years.

This represents a baffling, 'Schrödinger's Pants' duality. The results even fly in the face of Einstein, who preferred wool trousers."

"Fly's in the face".
Truly amazing.

Please, keep these stories coming.

Un-ending comedy.

Regards,
Lex

Edit to fix my stupidity.
Second edit. Same reason.

[edit on 6-10-2007 by Lexion]

[edit on 6-10-2007 by Lexion]

Russian Scientists Announce Six-Month Delay In Carving New Space Station
Issue 33•23

MOSCOW—Citing safety concerns as well as the importance of proper craftsmanship, Russian Space Agency officials announced Tuesday a delay of at least six months before carving is completed on the newest Russian space station.

Russian Space Agency director-general Yuri Koptev answers reporters' questions about splitting and warping on the new Russian space station.

"The two-by-four frame which forms the station's primary airlock is still in the clamps and hasn't even been sanded yet," said Russian Space Agency director-general Yuri Koptev, explaining the delay. "There are also a number of key navigational instruments which we have not yet begun to whittle."

www.theonion.com...

Mod Edit: External Source Tags – Please Review This Link.

Mod Note (This Appears On Every New Thread/Post Reply Page): AboveTopSecret.com takes pride in making every post count. Please do not create minimal posts or simple "I agree" posts when replying to threads. If you feel inclined to make the board aware of news, current events, or important information from other sites that supports the thread; please post one or two paragraphs, a link to the entire story, AND your opinion, twist or take on the news item as it relates to the thread.


[edit on 7/10/2007 by Mirthful Me]