Headlines from the Year 2029

A friend emailed this list to me, and I thought there were some pretty funny things on it.


HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR:
2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon ).


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking..


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.


Can anybody add to this list?

hahahaha some of this is really funny

hahah a nice post MM

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction


Can anybody add to this list?

Sure...


The Supreme Commander of the planet is of course, The Flying Spaghetti Monster!!!



How could you have missed that?

[edit on 5/12/2007 by Mechanic 32]

Woo Hoo! F! S! M! All hail His Mighty Noodliness! RAmen.

OK here is my headline.

Last Legal US citizen dies at 82.

Kazakhstan and Mongolia have signed their Treaty of Accession and will join be effectively part of the European Union on the 1st of January 2030.

Switzerland has answered France's request for help as Jamaican Troops seize Paris. Switzerland has set an ultimatum of 10 days for Jamaican Troops to withdraw or military action will follow.

[edit on 23-5-2007 by DarkSide]

I'll modify a few and add some.

IRS changes from progressive to regressive tax. Those who make over $100,000 pay no tax, and those who make less than $30,000 pay 90% tax.

Although the polar ice caps have completely melted and the states of Florida and Louisiana are under water, Fox News commentators are still claiming that global warming is a liberal myth.

China and India have set up strong immigration laws to prevent the illegal influx of U.S. citizens looking for jobs.

All U.S. biology textbooks have been rewritten to remove evolution and replace it with Intelligent Design since school boards across the country are now staffed entirely with fundamentalist Christians.

Since the oil companies have managed to have congress outlaw all alternative energy sources, they have raised gasoline prices to $20.00 per quart, and their combined annual profit is five trillion dollars.

To match the contremporary social standards portrayed on television and in movies, the age of consent has been lowered from fourteen to nine.

To assist the economy, doctors, insurance, and pharmaceutical companies as well as all other manufacturers and business establishments can no longer be sued for causing damage to their patients or customers.

Marijuana, heroin, coc aine, and speed have been legalized but allowed to be sold only by government licensed distillers and with a large tax on users.

All elections cost each voter $100 for each time s/he votes. Bill Gates accounted for 51% of the entire electorat in Washington state.

The Enron company has been resurrected and has purchased the elections in Texas, Arkensas, Oklahoma, and twelve other states. It is predicted that by the next election they will control the elections in a majority of the states.

It is illegal to use the term, "brutality" in connection with police, since that is now a standard part of their job.

Occam

ROFL. Brilliant!

This just in: Albania declares war on Canada.

I thought of a few more headlines for 2029:

To protect citizen security and freedom, all telephone conversations, mail and e-mail, and Internet website connections will be monitored by the FBI, CIA, and Homeland Security.

To prevent government information from being accessible to foreign countries, all government documents and communications will automatically be classified “secret” and be accessible only to designated members of the executive branch of government. It will be treason for newspapers or others to publish them.

Population growth has surged in the Red States since church sponsored legislation has outlawed all contraceptive measures including abstinence.

Supreme Court rules that First Amendment clause, “freedom of religion” cannot be interpreted as “freedom from religion” so atheism, agnosticism, and humanism have been outlawed.

The national debt has reached fifty trillion dollars, prompting Japanese, Chinese and Arabian banks to foreclose on all U.S. national parks and forests. They will be reopened but only for tourists from those counties.

All elections shall be conducted using voting machines, however audit trails and examination of the programs were ruled an unconstitutional invasion of privacy for the manufacturers of the machines.

To reduce government involvement and hand-outs, all federal highways and state freeways have been sold to private companies and have become toll roads.

Since the population has been growing rapidly, in an effort to reduce the number of people, all emergency medical services and welfare to the poor or disabled, and Social Security payments to the elderly have been suspended.

Education has been privatized and all public schools sold to the religious institutions now supplying the teachers and curriculums.

Occam

OK Occam, now you're scaring me.

Seriously.

The reason things like these happen is that people don't even think they could so they let them slip by until it's too late. By posting these, maybe people will think of them and see the beginning signs soon enough to stop them from happening.

Occam

Another 2029 Headline:

[Future history as background for the 2029 news story below: In early 2008 two of the centrist Supreme Court Justices died suddenly and were replaced by G. W. Bush. That brought the number of justices in favor of his policies to seven of the nine. In October of 2008 a dirty bomb was set off in San Francisco Bay devastating the area, which was the most politically liberal in the nation. The president immediately declared a continuing national emergency, imposed martial law, and invoked the emergency powers defined in his Executive order National Security Presidential Directive/NSPD 51 which he had written in 2007 (although most of it is classified so no one knows what provisions it describes). This was challenged as unconstitutional, but the Supreme Court denied that claim. G.W. Bush changed his title from President to Commander-in-Chief, suspended elections, disbanded Congress and took direct control of the military.]

George W. Bush, Commander-in-Chief since 2008, has retired. He named his twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna and their older husbands, Carl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz, the new Co-Commander-in-Chiefs.

Occam

Originally posted by Occam
Another 2029 Headline:

[Future history as background for the 2029 news story below: In early 2008 two of the centrist Supreme Court Justices died suddenly and were replaced by G. W. Bush.

Occam, you're scaring me.

I'm just glad you aren't a prophet or I'd be running for the hills right about now.

George W. Bush, Commander-in-Chief since 2008, has retired. He named his twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna and their older husbands, Carl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz, the new Co-Commander-in-Chiefs.

Sad thing is, i can see that happening

FBI, Torchwood, area 51, spacial forces and all military bases finally taken over by the ATS government.

any alien caught over the galactic speed limits will be prosocuted.

Sun said to go supernova in two weeks,Earth is being moved to a safe distance by the ATS government.

(this might of been said already but...)

The supreme court has ruled putting a child in time out or with-holding desert to be child abuse, and declared any parent found using that form of discipline will have their child seized by the state.

Here is one

The President has now stated that conservatism is a mental disorder and the white house will do all they can to combat it.

And for South Park Fans

Al gore has finally found manbearpig after more than 20 years of searching. He was quoted as saying "i found him i am super serial." He is now searching for aliens in Antarctica.

[edit on 15-7-2007 by spinstopshere]

Saudi Arabia legalizes homosexual marriage.

I think that phrase should actually replace "When pigs fly." =P

2029: Your Year in Review

Jan. 13, 2029: Bush/Cheney Re-elected For Unprecedented 7th Term! Diebold execs were "unavailable for comment"


Feb. 14, 2029: We've Got Bush!: Bush Twins and Chelsea Caught in Lesbian Love Triangle (Pictures in this months Playboy)


March 2, 2029: Media Giant The Above Network announces 12 Trillion Dollar Deal to Aquire All Other Media Outlets


April 1, 2029: NASA Head, John Lear, Makes Billions Selling Kites On The Moon


May 13, 2029: Canada Finally Caves and Becomes 71 State (tentatively named North North Dakota)


June 8, 2029: Flying Cars Within 10years, Say Researchers, Personal Jetpacks "Any Day Now"


July 4, 2029: Cuban Dictator Fidel Castro Said To Be In Failing Health; Dictator Says, "¡Puro Emperial Propoganda! Yo me encuentro bien y soy eargerly que aguarda mi copia de este Playboy de meses"

August 25, 2029: Former Iraqi Minister, Moham-med Saeed al-Sahaf - aka 'Baghdad Bob' - To Be Honored With 'Lifetime Achievement Award' At Next Months Emmy Awards

Sep 27, 2029: 54 Year Old Rren Voted Sexiest Man Alive 10 Years Running!


Oct 15, 2029: Red Sox Win World Series! Plane Carrying Yankees Team Goes Down; No Survivors Expected


Nov 20, 2029: France Surrenders: No Invading Army Found.


Dec 25, 2029: In a Bold Move, Media Giant The Above Network Names (10x) Sexiest Man Alive, Rren, As CEO. Founder, and Former CEO, Simon Gray says, "it was always about him anyway"

[edit on 21-7-2007 by Rren]

[edit on 21-7-2007 by Rren]

Originally posted by Rren
Nov 20, 2029: France Surrenders: No Invading Army Found.

November 24th, 2029: Invading army found, one flying pig released by Roger Waters clone two days before Frances surrender.

Global Warming ends: Asteroid hits earth causing Nuclear Winter (sort of)

Adlof Hilter becomes Chancellor of Germany