Challenge - Make me laugh

All of the ones I posted came in my email from my friend in Florida. He always sends the best ones. Problem is, the VERY best ones I can't post here at ATS.

A drunk walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says "hey boosehound I don't want to see you arround anymore.

The drunk replies. "sorry dad."

My technophobic father in a very halting voice, says to my answering machine:

"Tell my son to call his dad"

ok I posted this somewhere else here on BTS but I thought it was funny...

The twelve steps to overcoming ATS addiction: (by What U KNO)

1. We admitted we were powerless over Conspiracy Theory - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves has inslaved us to insanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our photos and our evidence over to the ATS boards so that it may be scrutinized and debated.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our world.

5. Admitted to Simon Grey, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of conspiritorial wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have Skeptic Overlord remove all these defects of bad threads.

7. Humbly asked Mod to remove our short posts.

8. Made a list of all persons that have harmed us, and became willing to make light of all their evil.

9. Made direct links to solid evidence, people and organizations wherever possible, except when to do so would violate T & C .

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through evidence and open scrutiny to improve our conscious contact with conspiracy as we understood them, searching only for knowledge of the truith for us and the power expose it to the world.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to ATS-olics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The ATSA Prayer

Simon Grey, grant me the skepticism
to not accept the things that are complete BS.

Courage to call the things I can BS, and the
wisdom to know the difference.

Discovering conspiracies one day at a time;
Enjoying one BS UFO photo at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to reality.

Taking, as He did, this BS world as it is and exposing it, as I would have it.

Trusting that Simon Grey will show all things BS if I read through the threads;

That I may be reasonably paranoid in this life, and supremely happy with ATS forever in the knowledge of exposing this BS.
Amen

Two lawyers are stranded on a desert island for several months.

The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided
them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes, there is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're
hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red
head, face up, totally naked, unconscious without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, indeed she was alive, warm and breathing, but
sunburned and needing immediate care and nursing.

One said to the other (as a typical male would), "You know, we've
been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. Do you think we should...well--you know, screw her?"

The second lawyer asks,
"Out of WHAT?"

Three guys (Jack, Sam and Joel all died and when they came to the Purly Gates they were met by a man who ask them if they wanted to return to earth. Of course they all said yes. The man said only under one condition. The guys say what? The man says you guys can no longer participate in the one thing you love to do the most. The guys say no problem. Jack loved to eat pizza and could never turn it down. Sam loved money and just couldn't keep his hands off it. Well, Joel loved to "how can I say this and not get in trouble". Joel liked to do anal probes if you know what I mean. And not with his hands. Anyway "POOF" they were back on earth in downtown NYC. They were all so happy that they were back and was just having fun walking down the sidewalk. Well low and behold they came upon a pizza joint. The smell was to much for Jack and just like that he ran inside grabbed him a piece of pizza and "POOF" he was gone. Sam and Joel couldn't do anything about this so they kept walking. While walking Sam saw a Quarter on the sidewalk and bent down to pick it up and " POOF " They were both gone.

[edit on 3/8/2007 by Solarskye]

Bacon and Eggs
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, to you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


 

Originally posted by 12m8keall2c

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


 

Dont know if the original poster had a laugh but I did!

beer guy

As always you make me laugh.

Originally posted by 12m8keall2c
Bacon and Eggs
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, to you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

aw man, and I was just about to post the same joke! I was reading through the thread, hoping to post my joke at the end and poof, there it was, lol, I luv that joke though.


Why do elephants paint their testicles red? To hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

Monkeys eating cherries.


Get it?

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

Russian Soldier, that made me laugh.....

Another one from my email....

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

President George W. Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little good press.

After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
"I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?

Just then, the bell rings for recess. President Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Steve," he responds.
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"Actually, I have 6 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

Beer_guy, that first joke made me laugh, and the second made me clutch on my AK, cuz I bet dat kinda stuff happen

I bet dat kinda stuff happen

I'm sure it does also!
Kinda sad, isn't it?

One (1) Question Test .



This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an

honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. The test features

an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a

decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.



Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

-------------------------------------------- ------ -----------------



THE SITUATION:



You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you

caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical

proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and

you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly

hopeless.



You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people

swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is

unleashing all of its destructive fury.



===============================================



THE TEST:



Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying

not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer. Somehow the woman

looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary Clinton!



At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her

under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of Hillary

Clinton or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo,

documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women (in her

mind, at least).



===============================================



THE QUESTION:



Here's the question, and please give an honest answer.......

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the

classic simplicity of black and white?

Ponder this one...



An interesting letter in the Australian Shooter Magazine this week,
quote:

"If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in
the Iraq theater of operations during the past 22 months, and a total of
2,112 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.


"The firearm death rate in Washington DC is:

80.6 per 100,000 for the same period.



That means you are about 25 per cent more likely to be shot and killed
in the U.S. Capital, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in
the United States, than you are in Iraq.



"Conclusion? The US should pull out of Washington."

The question test was just too good.

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family For this, I will give you a life span of sixty Years."


The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years ? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you...

Oh that was good. Very good.

Ok...I think I this retarded/idiotic/hillarious one will at least crack a smile!

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