Something tells me Yarium hit the spot, and that is praise coming from me
I remember having that hollowness actually. It was back when I was talking to guy over MSN. He had problems with girls like I did. He told me he soon
wanted to have sex with someone and it was gonna be good.
A few times later he was telling me, that he had gotten phone numbers from girls at a party all night, and he rubbed it in my face. It sort of pierced
me to be honest.
Next morning I woke up with the feeling of emptiness in my heart and I looked out the window to see rain, and I thought the rain was beautiful. I
started to think of rain and darkness as light. One thing lead to another and I started thinking about cutting my wrist, and I almost did. But each
time I stood in the bathroom with the razor or a bottle of pain killers, I would realize I didne't have the guts to do it. As well as small things at
school would put me down and depress me. If people would yell at me, I would feel really depressed when I came home.
I suffered this feeling for about a year, and I started talking to myself. I felt I was talking to another part of me, one that had not heard me for a
I began to discuss the pain with myself, and I began to feel better... It lead to me talking about spirituality with myself, and that lead to
meditation. From meditation I wanted to learn how to get into posture, thus; Yoga. But the pain was still there.
One day I read about Buddha, and began to talk to myself about it. Something made me think though; Buddha had no girlfriend in approximatingly 40
years. And after that I began telling myself, that I had no need for a girlfriend, but I had need for spirituality as I would set spirituality higher
than love. Shortly after that I remember reading a famous Buddhist quote saying:
"You can search the entire universe looking for someone worth more than your love for yourself, and you will find none" and my pain was gone.
I believe it to be my karma at some point, and every time I stood in the bathroom with a bottle of pills or a razor, it would be the part I was
talking to that was holding me back from doing it. Today, I find still find myself talking to my other half, of course it resembles the path of a
psycho, but I don't really care what others call me.
Oh, and well... Don't fall deeper than nessesary my friend.