posted on Sep, 10 2006 @ 12:20 PM
As a person who rarely wakes without absolute disgust and dread at spending yet another day as "me". I can honestly say that suicide in such a
situation benefits none.
My issues are "mental". There are naturally other factors, up bringing, family history, environmental, governmental and socio-economic...they all
lend themselves to this loverly self loathing.
Thing is, that at the root of it all, I know that I make a difference in this crap hole of a life. I dare anyone to prove that they don't.
Even the bum on the corner contributes in some way...people are affected either positively or negatively and then they carry that and transfer it
We are all connected. I have lost friends to suicide. I honestly can't sit back and say that I agree with their views...that they had nothing to live
for, nothing to give or gain.
Some people aren't in the head space to make balanced choices due to factors beyond their control. Suicide is a short term fix for many and they
can't fathom life beyond the immediate situation.
Now if I were to look at my own life...and really think about how crappy it's been and focus only that, I'm sure I could bring myself to a point of
"poor me" severe enough to down a handful of pills...it has been consistently crap, and honestly I don't see it changing anytime soon...so should I
just spare myself the agony and take myself out?
Not likely. Call it a martyrdom if you like. Fine by me if it keeps me here, feeling like crap, long enough to see my daughter find success and
Legally - I have to agree that my body is mine and mine alone. But holy crap I would hope that if I ever fell so far into a wallow of self pity and
loathing that someone would reach out and try to help me see beyond the moment.
There is just too much we can't see when we get so down...the next day may be just as crappy and we may feel the same or worse...but isn't there
even a glimmer of curiosity or at best a little hope that it might be less of a pain in the ass to be alive?
Again...my situation is in my opinion rather bleak. At best I'll be able to keep my Disability for life and have a meager income. I'll have the
illnesses forever. I'll always suffer the dread of being me...day after day...ad nauseum...but to just call it quits? As much as I wish I never
existed (there's a difference) I don't think I could ever kill myself. How long is a moment? Maybe I'm not weak enough or is that strong enough? I
There's a reason I'm here. Hell if I know what it is, but I'll play along.