posted on Aug, 29 2005 @ 03:48 PM
Fred Phelps and his "clan" are not even worthy of discussion, that's what they want - media whores that will do ANYTHING to get attention. They
don't even think of gays as being people, so I have absolutely no use for them.
I'm 100% gay - and I am SO tired of being told I "chose" to be like I am, that I'm going to hell for my wicked ways. I tried my DARNDEST to fit
in my whole life - If I could have chosen which way I wanted to be - let's see - it would have gone a little something like this: "Hey - I'm still
a kid, but I'm starting to feel puberty coming on, so I guess I have to pick one sex to be attracted to for the rest of my life - well, since
everyone else I know is attracted to members of the opposite sex, I guess I'll go that way too - then I'll be fitting in and considered "normal"
by all my friends". BAM! Choice made - "yay, I'm straight, thank you for my certificate of straightness - whew! thank GOD I didn't make the wrong
choice, that could have been really embarassing!"
Is that how it worked for ANY of you?
I was raised in the "Southern Baptist" tradition, every time the church doors were open, I was there! I sang in the kids choir which was lead by
Mama, made tapes of the sermons to take to the shut-ins, my Dad was the leader of the "Royal Ambassadors", I went around with the youth group
putting tracts and fliers under people’s windshield wipers and was usually 'Mary's Baby's Daddy' in all the nativity scenes/plays we did. I
usually didn't pay much attention to the sermons - but I do VIVIDLY remember when the preacher started with the "hellfire and brimstone" stuff - I
was scared to death! - "come down at the end of the service and claim Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, OR BURN IN THE STANKY PITS OF HELL FOR
ALL ETERNITY!!!!!!" Well, needless to say - after a few Sundays of hearing that guilt trip I was starting to get frightened - so when I was 11 (maybe
12) I got saved - I got baptized and was told I was acceptable in the eyes of God now – even got a monogrammed Bible from Grandma - - But still, I
had no idea if I was straight or gay - had never thought about it - never thought about "sexuality" - sex was something that you giggled about if
you heard anything about it - or got slapped for giggling about it if you did it in front of the adults. I’m assuming that's what a lot of 12-13
year olds went through. Not once did the church tell me anything about being gay or straight or any kind of “sexuality issues”
For me, I CANNOT imagine myself being "intimate" with a woman AT ALL! I have NEVER once felt any emotional or physical attraction that would lead
me to beleive I was "straight", I don't think I "was" straight and then something happened to "turn" me gay, I just remember gradually going
from being a kid with no sex drive to a teen with an attraction to other boys - but these are the options I have available to me accoriding to the
people that just plain don't like homosexuality.
As I see it - from what I've read on these boards and other media, apparently I DO have a choice - and to chose, one must have options.
Here's my options - (drum roll please)
1. Choose to PRETEND to be straight, find a woman that I can TRICK into marrying me so I can have a wife, make children, pretend to be straight for
EVERYONE ELSE'S benefit and just HOPE that I don't feel HORRIBLY guilty for the rest of my life for LYING to this woman, lying to my kids, lying to
myself and everyone I know, every day, 24 hours a day untill the end of time, and possibly not being able to live the lie anymore and "coming out"
20 years into a "marriage", ruining everyone's life around me.
2. Choose to be alone for the rest of my life and die a miserable, bitter old man that never got to know love. "knowing" that I'm a lower-life form
and should just spend my entire life stocking up on the SPF 1000 I'm going to need when I get to hell, because even if I don't have "the gay sex"
I'm STILL going to hell just because I am a "faggot".
OK - those are my choices, according to the good folks over at the Holier Than Thou Foundation.
Which would YOU choose if you were in my situation? - You have to pick ONE. - Can't make up another one - Live a gut-wrenching life-ruining lie, or
live and DIE ALONE -
I don't want either of those choices for THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!
I choose to live my life doing what feels natural TO ME!!!!!
I do know that the 10 commandments tell me not to LIE - but I don't remember them telling me I had to die alone. I never have and never could Lie
enough to a woman to trick her like that JUST so I could "fit in" to the mold the world expects of me. Never went on a date, never "chased tail",
never had ANY sexual encounters till I was 28, and never lied about being a virgin - I WOULD lie when someone would ask "You're STILL A
VIRGIN?!?!?!!??!??!?!??!! WHY, ARE YOU GAY?" I would say "NO!" and even do a little gay bashing - That is a lie I wish I didn't feel like I HAD
to tell to people back then and gay bashing to "fit in" hurt me so bad inside.
If it is a "choice" Please tell me what my options should have been - because I do not know what happens after our bodies cease to function on this
planet, it seems to me it would be a shame to waste this life being all alone if this is the only shot we get at happiness. Since NONE of us know for
sure what happens when we die, we'd all better make the best of what we have now.
As for me - I met a nice guy when I was 28 - we've been together for 4 years now, he's the only person I've EVER "bumped uglies" with - and I
hope we're together for the rest of our lives - - And we keep it to ourselves - we walk FAR apart from each other when we go the grocery store or
Wal-mart - we feel like we have to hide from everyone when we go out - he won't even sit next to me in the truck so I can put my arm around him, just
because he's afraid that someone will see it and do something to hurt us. We do everything other couples do, but because of the stigma put on our
kind of relationship, it is a VERY strained relationship that can only exist in the privacy of our home - Now tell me I'm pushing my "adgenda" on
someone - when It's OK for a straight couple to walk around holding hands and kiss in public, but I can't even think about being free and showing my
affection for the one I love just because some people think it's "icky" and think they have the right to "put a stop to it" by whatever means
necessary? - Besides, even if it were 'acceptable', I think displays of affection should be kept in the home, but since when has holding someone's
hand really hurt anyone else? If an older boy holds a little boy's hand to cross the street, should that be "wrong" too?
At work, I have to listen to all the gay jokes and put downs- you can't really tell by looking at me or even conducting business with me that I'm
gay - and I have to just grin and bare it when the "fag" jokes start and even when kids come in saying stuff like "that's so gay" and "you're a
fag!" to another kid as an insult - I just have to stand there and take it - How's that supposed to make me feel? If I were black, they wouldn't
use the "N" word around me, because they were taught that would be wrong, but it's perfectly OK to tell gay jokes around me because 'obviously'
only guys wearing pink pumps and giant feather boas are gay and would be offended. But I found that when you go in search of gay people, that’s
what you find – but only because they’re the only one’s that advertise it! All the other “regular joe” gay guys couldn’t put themselves
out there because we were all afraid of being lumped in with the “feather boa, pink pumps” gays that are what mainstream America thinks we are all
like. It’s horrible being a part of something that most people stereotypically think is a BAD BAD thing - and knowing that associating yourself with
any part of the truth will get you associated with ALL the bad myths and stereotypes that go along with it is enough to make you want to pretend that
you’re against it too. I try not to let those feeling take over my mind, and it’s hard because I DO want to “fit in” to what the rest of the
world considers “acceptable” – but I know what I am on the inside, and I don’t think I should have to pretend to be something different just
to make other people happy. I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over 3 years now – it is hard being in a relationship when you know that most of
the world considers it “sick” but it feels right to me – and I know that If I tried to fake a relationship with a woman, My internal conflict
would be MUCH MUCH greater that it is now.
I know that the first thing most people “against” homosexuality will say is that “You felt that way because you KNEW it was WRONG!!!!!!” well
– no, I didn’t “know” it was wrong – I’ve been told and made to feel it was wrong. But I’ve never felt like I’ve ever really done
anything that bad. I’ve never physically or mentally abused anyone, I’ve never “pushed” myself on someone. I’ve never “gone after” a
straight man – I’ve never tried to make a straight person gay - I’ve always tried to “do unto others as I’d have done unto me” but I
always add “if I were in their shoes” to it – not many people try to imagine what it’s really like to be in someone else’s position –
I’m one of those that can’t help it – I see the hurt inside other people – I see what makes their soul weep – it’s never pretty – but
it’s usually something that would go away or would have never been there in the first place if everyone had a little more understanding in their
I hope I have not offended anyone - I don't want to fight or argue - I just wonder why I have to feel so HATED and so ASHAMED of who I NATURALLY am -
and WHY I have to live life wishing I could either magically turn straight or just go on and die so it would all be over with just because I don't
want a vagina between my lover's legs.