PC or Non PC - That Is The Question?

MY dad's a real homophobe, he told me this one once:

"why did the gay guys bury their friend with their @55 in the air?"

"So they could stop by for a cold one sometime." I've also heard it as "so they have a place to park their bikes."

I hope thats not too bad.

The other one is "OMG! what's that crawling up that woman's leg?!"

"A Homesick aborted fetus"

I've got loads of dead baby jokes if they're ok. And can't forget the jewish jokes told by my jewish friends....

[edit on 9/20/2005 by Kalapadea]

Whats worse than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

Peeling it off again!

Here's one:

Q: Why are there only two pall bearers at a black guy's funeral?

A: There are only two handles on a trashcan.

Here's another:

Q: Why don't blacks and Mexicans have kids together?

A: They don't want kids that are too lazy to steal.

Here's another:

Q: What's the easiest way to starve a black/Mexican/white-trailer-trash dude?

A: Hide his foodstamps in his workboots.

Those are three of the tamer non-PC jokes I know. Please don't ban me again.

This guy checks into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit lonely so he thought he would call up one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're ringing for a cab. He grabbed a card on his way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Veronique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful wavy waist-length hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her.... well, you know the kind. So he's in his room and figures, what the hell, he'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman said. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.

No, wait; I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby. Now, how does that sound?"


She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

Here's some more anecdotes!

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you
like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by going to the toilet before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking
out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS. Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN. When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE. Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves. Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS. Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are
listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle. When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men. Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS. Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows!

More to follow.

This ones not made up it happened about 15 years ago.

I was working in a factory in a minning townwith a great friend of mine he was a 19 stone Maori (Native New Zealander)we went to grab some lunch from our local lunch bar it was packed full of people,we eventually got to the front of the cue whist waiting to place our order with about 5 rows of people behind us,as quietly as i could i let out a fart,my mate slowly turned to me and said in a hushed voice and out of the corner of his mouth pfffffourrrr you farted,i returned in a whisper yeah i knew i could cos who do you think their gonna blame a white guy or a big fat black guy?

I think this is on topic for a number of reasons.

Edit to add-NOT to be attemped unless the 19 stone Maori is a REALLY good friend

[edit on 22-9-2005 by gps777]

Here are a few more helpful hints. I hope our Yank cousins take note, because I am told, you get tons of junk mail. (Postage applies to UK but it would still work)

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work! (1)The three little words are: "Hold On please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more
time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 24p postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 29p before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in their postage-paid return envelopes. For example; send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 24p.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea?

If enough people follow these tips, it will work !

Fritz do you by any chance read the wonderfuly crude and non pc magazine that is Viz?

And another nasty joke:

What do you call a German Jew?

A leftover...

What do Polish parents tell their kids when teaching them to put on underwear?

Yellow at the front, brown at the back....

Ha ha. :bnghd::bnghd:

I agree 100% in this age of "touchy feely" feelings and the stupid need that people seemed to have developed for not offending others has led to some dumb and assinine laws and ideals. The world is a cold hard place, people need to realize this and deal with it. Now I don't propose walking down the street trying to be as offensive as possible, I do believe that it is about time that we start calling things the way they really are. If we hurt someones "wittle" feelings, than tough deal with it, it's called life. Sometimes you feel good about things and sometimes you don't, feeling good about everything is hopelesslyy stupid and a waste of time. Life, live it, love it, hate it, whatever, just realize that sometimes one will be offended and life marches on. It's one of lifes little curve balls.