A few feel good articles......humour and jokes!

The Atheist and the Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods one day admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking along side the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

Turning to look, he saw an 8 ft. grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. Heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it's left paw and raising it's right paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a brilliant light shone upon the man a thunderous voice came from all around. "You Deny My Existence For All These Years, Teach Others That I Don"t Exist; And Even Credit Creation To Some Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me To Help You Out Of This Predicament? Am I To Count You As A Believer?"

As difficult as it was the atheist looked directly into the light and said "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very Well", said The Voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed .... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank Thee for this food which I am about to receive."

(St Nicholas Russian Orthodox church,Dallas Texas)


OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they are very large mammals, their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that whales could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah" The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

Source unknown



[Edited on 7/30/2003 by helen670]

The Padre's Puppy

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of a few boys about 10 years of age, surrounding a dog. Concerned that the boys were hurting the animal, he went over and asked them what they were doing.

One of the boys replied, "This dog is an old neighborhood stray. We take him home with us sometimes, but only one of us can take him home. So we're having a contest: whichever one of us tells the biggest lie can take him home today."

Of course, the Reverend was shocked. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was complete silence for about a minute. As the Reverend smiled with satisfaction that he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh. "All right," he said, "give him the dog."

IRISH LENT!
An Irishman moved into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walked into the pub and promptly ordered three beers.

The bartender raised his eyebrows, but served the man three beers, which he drank quietly at a table, alone.

The next evening the man again ordered and drank three beers at a time. Soon the entire town was whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broached the subject on behalf of the town.
"I don't mean to be prying but folks around here are wonderin why your always order three beers and drink them alone?".
"Tis a wee bit odd I would be supposin" the man replied.
"You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America and the other went to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order two extra beers, whenever we would partake, as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with his answer and with the reverence for family and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet.
Then one day the man came in and ordered only two beers. The bartender served them with a heavy heart. This continued for the rest of the evening ... ordering only two beers. Word flew around the hamlet quickly.

Prayers were offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender said to the man, "folks around here, me first of all, want to offer our condolences to you for the death of your brother, you know - only two beers."
The man pondered for a moment then replied,
" You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

helen

Nice, I needed the light relief.

Now I'm going to devour some charred flesh.


A papal joke (as best I remember it) before nutrition ...


The Pope was never allowed to drive around the Vatican or Rome, so on his (secret, unofficial) visit to the US he insisted on a limo rather than the Popemobile, so he could drive.

He asked the chauffeur to swap seats with him, and enjoyed the feeling of cruising down the freeway at 90mph.

Soon enough, a traffic cop caught him and waved the Pope down.

The cop could not believe his eyes when he saw who was driving. He radioed to base for further instructions.

"I'm not sure if I should book this guy... he's like, a VIP."

"Why not? Who have you got, the Mayor?"

"No."

"The Governor?"

"No."

"Don't tell me you've pulled over the President."

"No."

"Well, he can't be any more VIP than that, who is this guy??"

"To be honest, I'm not sure.... but he must be important, he's got the Pope driving for him."




[Edited on 30-7-2003 by MaskedAvatar]

Here's another one!(Masked Avatar......after nutrition!)
The Golfer.....


A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

The Fence......

There was a large group of people. On one side of the group stood a man, Jesus. On the other side of the group stood Satan. Separating them, running through the group, was a fence.

The scene set, both Jesus and Satan began calling to the people in the group and, one by one - each having made up his or her own mind - each went to either Jesus or Satan.

This kept going. Soon enough, Jesus had gathered around him a group of people from the larger crowd, as did Satan.

But one man joined neither group. He climbed the fence that was there and sat on it. Then Jesus and his people left and disappeared. So too did Satan and his people. And the man on the fence sat alone.

As this man sat, Satan came back, looking for something which he appeared to have lost. The man said, "Have you lost something?" Satan looked straight at him and replied, "No, there you are. Come with me."

"But", said the man, "I sat on the fence. I chose neither you nor him."

"That's okay," said Satan. "I own the fence."

www.madblast.com...

Hehe, these are priceless!!!

Did you hear? The Pope cancelled Easter!

Why?

They found the body!

Originally posted by Outlaw
www.madblast.com...
[/quote

Village people............quite a resemblance!
Pretty good!

helen this is a link to the most christian person in the U.S for you to peruse at your leisure. I think it might be fake. But I saw that she is very religious and spiritual.


www.bettybowers.com...




[Edited on 31-7-2003 by MarkosOrrealus]

A Buddhist walked up to hotdog stand and said make me 1 with everything!

Originally posted by MaskedAvatar
"Well, he can't be any more VIP than that, who is this guy??"

"To be honest, I'm not sure.... but he must be important, he's got the Pope driving for him."
[Edited on 30-7-2003 by MaskedAvatar]

LMAO!!! Now thats a good one.

HURRY UP BEFORE YOU FORGET !

I often do a joke approximately this way :
Concerning the labs, where scientists make studies on Alzheimer desease,
I say: " They are better to study fast, before THEY get the desease,
and forget what they are working on ! ! "

Or, is the problem that ?
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today

than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be

a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and

absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Blue skies.

Hi all,
Here are a few more 'feel good humour''

A well worn dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty arrived at the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder they struck up a conversation.
The twenty reminised about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life", the twenty proclaimed.
"Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City,
the finest restaraunts in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise from Miami."

"Wow!", said the single, "you really have gotten around."

"So tell me", says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

"Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church etc ...."

And the twenty says, "What's a church?"

And one more.......

And God created WOMAN!!
One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden,
Adam calls out....
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", The Lord replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.
She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.
She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.
Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire.
She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.

"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and part of your nose."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face.
Finally Adam asks the Lord, "Uh, what can I get for a just a rib?"


Feel free to adda more!



ICXC NIKA
helen

I wasn't going to post this - I got it via email a few days ago - but it's such a good reply to your joke, I can't resist the temptation.

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It 's these breasts You have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was My first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. "Well, Eve, how is My favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless Tit?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Sorry guys.......