Kevin The Demon Gets A Job. [DE2020]. Non-writer

Kevin hadn't been here since he was a kid.

He vaguely remembered playing with his transformers on the dirty, green shag carpet in front of old Mrs. Nussbaum's desk in this waiting room. Back then, it was while he was waiting for his dad, whom was meeting with Kevin's uncle just behind the door across the room.

The tarnished brass sign on his uncle's office door said "SATAN--CEO of HELL"

That same old sign on that same old door was still there...even more tarnished than he had remembered...as was the ratty shag carpeting...and even old Mrs. Nussbaum, his uncle's ancient secretary.

Nothing about the old girl seemed to have changed from his memory of her...even the dusty jar of stale, wrapped, butterscotch candies on her battered Formica desk appeared not to have been touched in the decade and a half since he'd last been in this office.

Of all those mundane, childhood memories, Kevin missed only his transformers...and now, as he again sat in this office waiting room, 15 years later, he found himself wondering when and where he'd lost them.

Kevin also wondered why his ass hurt.
...and, after again awkwardly repositioning his butt on the hard, yellow, Melamine chair, he recalled why.

It felt as if he'd been sitting there, waiting for hours...and Kevin wasn't used to waiting for anyone or anything.
Kevin was special...everyone in his family always said so...and, because he was so special, Kevin always got whatever he wanted.

Unfortunately, this time, Kevin was waiting to see his uncle. He was there to receive an actual job that he didn't really want...but was forced by his mom and dad to take.

The portly human with a cowboy hat, wearing high heels that he'd been earlier waiting next to, had only been called into his uncle's office about 10 minutes ago...but, again, because Kevin was special and because Kevin did not like waiting for anything...it felt as if he'd been waiting in that room for hours.

Kevin wanted his transformers.

He sighed loudly again...enough for Mrs. Nussbaum to, again, hear and to, again, ignore...and, again, he glanced over to the pile of yellowed, out-of-date magazines on the faux oak side table.
The 'PEOPLE' Magazine, with Olivia Newton John on it's cover, was still resting atop the pile...exactly where it had probably rested since 1982.

Just then, his uncle's door opened...and the rotund cowboy in heels emerged with a huge smile on his face.
As the door closed behind him, Mrs. Nussbaum waved the human over to her desk and quietly spoke to him, while handing him some official-looking forms.

Kevin looked over as the giggling cowboy exited the waiting room door...and, looking back to Mrs. Nussbaum's desk, Kevin noticed her jar of ancient butterscotch candy had disappeared along with the giddy cowboy in heels.

Before she could notice the theft, Mrs. Nussbaum's intercom buzzed and she told Kevin that his uncle Satan was ready to see him.

Kevin lifted himself off his numb butt cheeks and strode over to his uncle's door. He knocked...heard a muffled "enter"...and walked in.
A quick 360 scan of his uncle's office verified to him that little had changed over the years here, as well.

The same old photos of his uncle Satan grinning and shaking hands with Hitler, Stalin, Idi Amin, Charlie Manson and Hillary Clinton were still hung above the dusty, bowling trophy-cluttered, credenza behind his uncle's desk.

"KEVIN....come in and grab a chair, young man.", his uncle Satan bellowed.
"It's been awhile...How's your mom and dad?"

In truth, Satan never liked the creepy little s#it.
During the few, unavoidable, times he'd seen the whiney little brat during family gatherings over the years, the kid was either eating boogers, throwing a tantrum for something...or spending most of the family gathering in the bathroom.

And now, he, the Lord of Hell, found himself in the unavoidable and unenviable situation of having to give his snot-nosed, spoiled, good-for-nothing, whiney-little-bitc# of a nephew a job in his business.

To not do so...would result in centuries of family discord, which Satan just no longer had the stomach for.

Wrestling with himself over the choice of where to place the kid, the night before...Satan resigned himself to the inevitable and decided to give the little pain-in-the-ass a useless job requiring the least amount of responsibility possible.

Lacing his fingers together in front of himself and placing his hands upon his desk, Satan cleared his throat and looked up at Kevin.
Kevin, he noticed, was actually examining a booger he had just routed from his left nostril...but with a practiced faux-expression of seriousness on his face, Satan said to his nephew:

"Kevin, my boy,...I've given this a great deal of thought and decided to put you in charge of EARTH. I know you'll do a great job."
Mrs. Nussbaum has all of your papers ready...see her on the way out...and welcome to the family business!"

Kevin popped the booger in his mouth...shrugged, stood up and said: "Thanks, uncle Satan...I won't let you down."


As Kevin shuffled out of his office, Satan sighed...and thought about the future of 'Hell'...the family business he had worked so hard to build over countless millennia. He was tired...feeling all his thousands of years.

"That pathetic little waste of space that just left my office is my ONLY living relative...and, one day, HE could possibly be taking over everything I've built here."...he thought to himself.

Suddenly...coming to a conclusion within his wandering thoughts, Satan forcefully reached for the intercom button on his desk...

"Mrs. Nussbaum!...Have HR find me a human female to impregnate!...See if Chelsea Clinton is available!"


---THE END---

a reply to: IAMTAT

You just HAD to write about Kevin. Jesus TAT, everyone f###ing hates him.

Nice job!

originally posted by: FauxMulder
a reply to: IAMTAT

You just HAD to write about Kevin. Jesus TAT, everyone f###ing hates him.

Nice job!

Yup!...Kevin is the worst.
Thanks.

a reply to: IAMTAT

When this becomes a feature film, who's going to play the rugged cowboy character and . . . . . Kevin?

originally posted by: DBCowboy
a reply to: IAMTAT

When this becomes a feature film, who's going to play the rugged cowboy character and . . . . . Kevin?

We're talking to Ryan Reynolds for the cowboy character.
As for Kevin...we're searching to se if Charles Nelson Reilly had any offspring that went into acting.

originally posted by: IAMTAT

originally posted by: DBCowboy
a reply to: IAMTAT

When this becomes a feature film, who's going to play the rugged cowboy character and . . . . . Kevin?

We're talking to Ryan Reynolds for the cowboy character.
As for Kevin...we're searching to se if Charles Nelson Reilly had any offspring that went into acting.

Casting gold!

a reply to: IAMTAT

The same old photos of his uncle Satan grinning and shaking hands with Hitler, Stalin, Idi Amin, Charlie Manson and Hillary Clinton were still hung above the dusty, bowling trophy-cluttered, credenza behind his uncle's desk.

That alone is worth more flags than I could ever give !!

a reply to: IAMTAT

I love that Heelzebub made an appearance.

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus
a reply to: IAMTAT

I love that Heelzebub made an appearance.

It was more of a waddle-on.

Ew Kevin is gross. I retract my previous statements.

Also, easy and enjoyable reading.

a reply to: geezlouise

Be quiet, succubus.

a reply to: geezlouise

Thanks, Geez.

a reply to: AugustusMasonicus

LOL, succubus’s only take orders from the highest of the high devils.

*goes quiet*