Miscarriage. What do you do? (if there is such a thing)

Ive kinda grown up with this site, im not really comfortable talking to people I know in life about this at the moment. So felt better asking on here than elsewhere.

My partner fainted within the last few weeks, has been quite moody etc and not feeling very well. She went to the doctors and was not checked for pregnancy but put on anti depressants. Yet to our surprise... she suffered a miscarriage (around 4 - 6 weeks guessing at the timeframe).

I don't have any children, this is something I have not experienced before either personally.

Please do not take what I am about to type as anything but honesty, I mean no offence to anyone as I know this can be a heated topic in some areas.

As a man, I am quite confused just now. I am unsure as to whether I should be grieving or just playing this off as the brutal reality of nature for what better words to find.

We were not planning a child at this part of life, however are both planning our wedding then to have a child so it feels a bit confusing from my part I guess.

My partner is currently feeling guilty, which worries me a bit, although she is claiming everything is ok. But I know it is not and im not sure what to do to make it ok.

I have tried to tell her that it is nobodies fault whilst offering reassurance that any feeling she has is completely normal etc. But im not sure if this is the right approach.

I guess im just asking anyone that has been through this, Male or Female, for a bit of perspective or advice.

It is quite a shocker, maybe its just shock at the moment, not sure.

Appreciate any wisdom from folks that have been through similar. Would normally go to parents for this type of thing but I dont have any now.

Thanks

PS: I have googled etc as you do but reading facts sometimes does not really help, so just looking for a real perspective from experience is all if possible. Also wondering if we should tell anyone in our lives.

I've never had a miscarriage, so I can't speak to it directly.

But yes, you will be impacted, and so will she. It doesn't matter that neither of you knew about it. You've suffered a loss. You will both grieve to some extent, and you need to be there for each other and supportive.

a reply to: XXXN3O- Natures way of terminating a fetus which was not growing correctly and possibly protecting your fiancee's life.Most miscarriages occur in the first trimester (12wks) and 10-15% of pregnancies end before full term. There is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Some day you will have a family and this event will fade into the past. This is an opportunity to strengthen your bond with your fiancee and show her how much you care.

She is going to experience it, as it changes your hormones as soon as you become pregnant. She will go through a lot.
But don't worry if you aren't feeling anything.
You didn't know.

It is a hard thing to go through. But this early, it is hard for her. Just be there for her. Be supportive, hug her while she cries.

a reply to: XXXN3O

A lot of women's pregnancies end in miscarriage before they even knew they were pregnant. About 15 to 20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. A lot of people would see an unplanned, especially if unwelcome, pregnancy ending in an early miscarriage as a blessing.

If you want to be sad about it, you could be sad every time your partner has a period. But, most women rejoice at the sight of their periods.

originally posted by: PsychicCroMag
a reply to: XXXN3O- Natures way of terminating a fetus which was not growing correctly and possibly protecting your fiancee's life.Most miscarriages occur in the first trimester (12wks) and 10-15% of pregnancies end before full term. There is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about. Some day you will have a family and this event will fade into the past. This is an opportunity to strengthen your bond with your fiancee and to show how much you care for her.

This is exactly how I am thinking at the moment.

The feelings on the other hand are creeping in and at odds with the thinking.

I just want to make sure I am handling it as best as possible not just for myself but partner too

Sounds like your way past the marriage part and right into the bliss part. Might be moral issues to resolve, maybe not, but she will be going through hormonal issues that might be difficult for a period of time until she is back at normalcy. Likely be needy. Can you support her emotionally, it might be a task short term.

originally posted by: Plotus
Sounds like your way past the marriage part and right into the bliss part. Might be moral issues to resolve, maybe not, but she will be going through hormonal issues that might be difficult for a period of time until she is back at normalcy. Likely be needy. Can you support her emotionally, it might be a task short term.

We have known each other since we were 5 (now in 30's). I know we will be alright long term.

From my point of view, I might be feeling a bit guilty too, for not feeling so messed up.
I subscribe to the natures point of view at this stage (I never knew I did until now) and nothing could be done no matter what at an early stage, especially as it was not known.

Saying that to your partner, that is feeling like it is their fault, might hurt them even when they claim it is ok.

I have said this and been met with understanding from her part. I guess im just wondering what others have done in the same situation. I don't want to undermine or overblow the situation either.

For me it's put a new perspective on the relationship, im quite happy if we have a kid, so is she and we would make good parents (I think . I just don't want her to feel guilty over something outwith anyones control and unfortunately there is not a button that says "press me in event of unexpected event".

Just general chit-chat on the topic, wondering if there is way to handle such a thing the right way I guess.

Practical advice.

Cuddles. Lots of cuddles.

You can give a cuddle and get a cuddle in return without meaning to.

Cuddles heal the soul and that is why they are so important.

Cuddles and kisses are designed by mummy nature to take over when words become superfluous.

Cuddles!

Cuddles! Cuddles! Cuddles!

More please! Cuddles!

P

originally posted by: pheonix358
Practical advice.

Cuddles. Lots of cuddles.

You can give a cuddle and get a cuddle in return without meaning to.

Cuddles heal the soul and that is why they are so important.

Cuddles and kisses are designed by mummy nature to take over when words become superfluous.

Cuddles!

Cuddles! Cuddles! Cuddles!

More please! Cuddles!

P

Cannot disagree, lots of hugs will be given!

a reply to: XXXN3O

We have known each other since we were 5 (now in 30's). I know we will be alright long term.

This is a good time for the two of you to really consider "next time", whether it's planned, or not. She won't be fertile forever, hate to say it, and her biological clock alarm his been set with this recent set of event. Both of you may really regret it if you wait too long, for something you really want, and her health/age, as she ages, makes it even more difficult later on.

Having gone through a couple with both my ex's, be patient some get over sooner than others. Make sure she knows you are there and if you want kids eventually not to worry too much. My first wife had 2 and was worried about having kids but we had 2 beautiful healthy daughters not too long after the last miscarriage. there is some good advice here in this thread too

a reply to: XXXN3O

I had two miscarriages, in my late 20's when we were trying to get pregnant, so my situation was different. Looking back, it's hard for me to know how much of my despair came from deep sorrow at the loss of a much-wanted baby, and how much was from the hormonal roller coaster. I don't believe that my husband took it as hard as me, and I remember him saying 'we can try again' which I found hard to hear while I was grieving the fact that I would never have THAT baby. There was a bit of guilt that my body failed them, even though logically I knew it could have just not been a viable fetus. I still think of them once in a while, even though I went on to deliver to beautiful, amazing children. It was something that happened to me, to them, to me & my husband.

I don't think there's any right or wrong way to feel. The fact that you're here asking, shows a caring within you that is not present in a callous, cold-hearted person. So be kind to yourself. Accept your feelings, or the lack thereof, without judgement, knowing they may oscillate. You and your wife may or may not feel similarly. It's what you do about the feelings that matters. Let your heart guide the way.

You mentioned your girlfriend felt guilty. That's a stage of grief. Here are all the stages, and they don't alway occur in this order, and some may not occur at all: Shock, Fear, Anger, Guilt, Depression, Acceptance

I have been guilty of not saying 'I love you' enough, when in reality I so loved that I didn't think it was necessary, that my love showed.

Better to say it often.

originally posted by: XXXN3O

From my point of view, I might be feeling a bit guilty too, for not feeling so messed up.
I subscribe to the natures point of view at this stage (I never knew I did until now) and nothing could be done no matter what at an early stage, especially as it was not known.

Saying that to your partner, that is feeling like it is their fault, might hurt them even when they claim it is ok.

Neither one of you has anything to feel guilty about -

It's actually good that you are "not feeling so messed up", because not having a sense of grieving over the 'loss' frees up your emotional energy to give support to your partner in her feelings...

...which, even though she also has no need to feel guilty, her hormones and the fact that it is a 'loss' (no matter how unexpected) will generate some degree of grief.

As far as your last sentence above -
- I would imagine that she understands that you were trying to 'reassure her' about it not being her fault, but if you feel that you may have inadvertently 'hurt' her, it's never a bad idea to express an apology and make certain that she really does 'understand' that your intention was to be supportive.

The most important thing is to validate her feelings and continue offering love and support.

The 2nd most important thing:
You should probably assess the effectiveness of whatever birth control you are using, so that there are no more 'accidents' of this nature -

I can tell you from experience - the most joyful way to experience having a child is to have an exact plan and get everything in order - marriage, finances, timing (even deciding between childcare or stay at home parent)...

Honestly - the more organization, the less worries; and the less worries, the more joy in the experience.

a reply to: XXXN3O

Don’t worry about your feelings, just be there for your lady, be sad with her, weep with her if you can, make her feel you care about her feelings.
Make sure she feels loved and comforted

It’s not about you

Rub her feet, buy her flowers and chocolates, be a rock her pain can break on

a reply to: XXXN3O

My ex-girlfriend who I was with for 10 years since I was 14 had a miscarriage and to be honest it's probably what caused the beginning of the end.

We found out she was pregnant and probably jumped the gun by telling everyone, cause we were already getting gifts of baby books and clothes and phone calls congratulating us from family members I never even knew I had... Considering I would have been the first one of my cousins to have a kid.They even threw a big party.

We were talking marriage and my old man was talking about helping us out with a deposit for a house... it was crazy.

Anyway, we went in for the ultrasound and there was no heartbeat... So that was that.

I probably shut down a bit and just isolated myself... and she went the other way and went a little of the rails, disappearing on the weekends, then coming home blind drunk barely coherent in the early morning.

About a year later we broke up and I haven't so much as seen or spoken to her since.

So basically that's what not to do.

a reply to: XXXN3O


I’ve miscarried. The worse sadness I can remember. My ex husband and I named the baby anyways. I wish he had been there more for me emotionally at that time, but I don’t think a man can really know how devastating that is for a woman.

Be there, be gentle, be sympathetic. I’m sorry for your loss.

a reply to: XXXN3O

As a man, I am quite confused just now. I am unsure as to whether I should be grieving or just playing this off as the brutal reality of nature for what better words to find.

As you were unaware of the pregnancy you hadn't been looking forward too , made plans for or prepared yourself for fatherhood so it's not surprising you don't know how to feel , don't force yourself to feel grief because you feel perhaps you should but be prepared to support your girlfriend who will be more effected by it.

I lost a child near full term , it had been a difficult pregnancy and my then girlfriend felt the full force of the Miscarriage , my feelings were largely irrelevant compared to what she went through and were pushed aside as I dedicated myself to looking after her , I did grieve in my own time in my own way but had to be strong for her.

My advice would be feel what you feel but be there for her if she needs support in the future.

a reply to: XXXN3O

If you haven't yet....you both could arrange fertility tests going into this new marriage....

And grieving the loss is normal...even if the pregnancy wasn't planned...

I went thru the same situation as yours....