That person in your family that chaps your hide

So I have this relative. Not a close relative but a relative. Man, she chaps my hide so bad.

Here's the backstory. She gave her baby up to my other relatives because she was young and dumb and couldn't
take care of herself, let alone a baby. She was NOT coerced into giving the baby up.
After that child turned into a teen, she wanted the child back. It caused a huge family dispute.
The child going to live with her was a disaster (as you probably can imagine). Keep in mind, the child was NEVER kept from her. She was able to see her on a regular basis. But no, she wanted to take this girl from her stable environment and be a mom for a year or two.
It's been decades and that girl is still not the same.
Her adopted/family siblings went on to live wonderful lives. She probably would have too if she was allowed to keep living with them.

The wounds are still there, but most have moved.

Here is the thing, this lady posts parenting advice on Social media DAILY!
YES daily. How the heck can someone have that kind of nerve? She gave her baby away and then pretty much destroyed her
child's life and now has "advice" for everyone. Not one or two words of wisdom, DAILY... I don't know if she is trying to relive her
missed young parenting days or what, but is is beyond bizarre. Lady, you missed the boat, it has sailed and nobody wants to hear parenting advice
from a terrible mother!

I want to cut this person off but I know we are her last living relatives. chaps my hide!
Can anyone top that with a relative?

Most of them. From time to time. Some of them all the time. I just basically don't like people, I think.

If it’s only that one person then look on the bright side....

At least it’s just one person and not your entire family that chaps your hide.

Its ok to not be around toxic people. Family or not.

Its hard to comment on what you should do with these kind of toxic people in your life without knowing you or this individual personally. Do you believe that this person at their core is good and is just prone to judgment errors and calamities of bad luck? Or do you think they are legitimately a bad person and possibly anti-social?

The key is if you believe that they could ever change or learn how their behavior is affecting others. If the answer is no they won't change then I think the only thing you can do is to cut them off. It sounds cruel, but these types of people will continually drag you down to their level or even directly harm you or your other loved ones. It's best to just get them out of your life as much as possible.

The reason you are struggling with this answer in the first place is likely because you care more about them than they do you. They need you more than you need them and that is eating at your conscience -- but you have to protect yourself from too much disorder and disfunction. And that means sometimes being a little selfish with your empathy. Too much empathy can be a poison and lead to your own destruction. Especially when dealing with an anti-social individual who is cognizant of this dynamic and is merely using your empathy and good nature against you.

Another thing to consider is if you think this person's behavior is a result of mental illness or drug use. If that is the case and you believe this person is at their core good and suffering from an affliction then the best course of action would be to round up your loved ones and organize an intervention to convince them to seek help. It's going to be messy and ugly and it might not work, but if you care about this person and think that there is hope of redemption then it is damn well worth trying.

I believe the term for that is cognitive dissonance.



ETA: I've cut off pretty much all of my family at this point. Family is usually the first to screw you over.

I am the only one, do not have any family anymore so... Not applicable to me. But I would suggest to make amends to what family you have and deal with the little stuff and learn to love what you got.

All I am saying is be grateful that you do have a family.
So in a nutshell what you are bitching about to me sounds petty as hell. Grow the hell up and mind your own business and learn to love your family.It goes two ways also, imagine that person bitching about you, see? What does that accomplish? Someone needs to bury the Hatchet, so to speak.

I have a tiny tiny family now, 2 sisters and my dad (who is not in good health) the rest of my family brought nothing but trouble, treating others like dirt, backstabbing at every opportunity, threats, violence and lies etc etc growing up was #ing hard, and being an adult never changed much.

I do not regret having none of them in my life now! and I am still relatively young so maybe I will have my own family one day?

I think life is too short to waste on people you don't want to be around or bring negativity to you!

a reply to: sooth

Another thing to consider is if you think this person's behavior is a result of mental illness or drug use.

No drug use, but mental illness is very possible, or that they are just completely a sociopath!

Got rid of my leeching extended family.

Moved 1500 miles away.

It’s frickin bliss...

originally posted by: eXia7
I believe the term for that is cognitive dissonance.


ETA: I've cut off pretty much all of my family at this point. Family is usually the first to screw you over.

I've tried to be a better person and just ignore it. Something was said the other day and I just wanted to snap.
The only thing I could think of is that some people have some nerve...

I think you’re so desperate to start new threads you take twisted topics that belong on Facebook for family gossip, into the realms of ATS.

You sound like a judgemental harsh family member to someone who’s obviously not had an easy go of it.

a reply to: Sheye

I don't know ... which is better? A person who is more or less anonymous comes here and makes an anonymous rant about familial frustrations to ease personal tension or that same person makes it very personal and public on a place like Facebook and creates a family firestorm?

This is a wee bit safer and means of getting the issue off one's chest.

I can sympathize. I too have one of *those* relatives, and as my parents age, the time is drawing closer when there will possibly be a family reckoning with this particular person.

originally posted by: Sheye
I think you’re so desperate to start new threads you take twisted topics that belong on Facebook for family gossip, into the realms of ATS.

You sound like a judgemental harsh family member to someone who’s obviously not had an easy go of it.

If this topic doesn't interest you why stop? Do you even realize what forum this is posted to?

general off-topic chitchat forums

If you really feel like a topic should not be here or of interest, I find it odd that you would even respond!

I find ATS is a very honest soundboard. Like all good boards, there is a lot of general chit chit, and some really deep stuff. It is what makes it interesting. Maybe I am being judgmental about my relative, it does not mean it isn't deserved!

Yes I post a lot. I like to read a lot, and write a lot. I wish people would post more on here. I wish there was more posted other than politics.

a reply to: Shockerking

ll I am saying is be grateful that you do have a family. So in a nutshell what you are bitching about to me sounds petty as hell. Grow the hell up and mind your own business and learn to love your family.It goes two ways also, imagine that person bitching about you, see? What does that accomplish? Someone needs to bury the Hatchet, so to speak. edit on 4 24 2019 by Shockerking because: (no reason given)

Made me laugh, I guess you have not had violent Family members or ones who would hurt your kids or ones who as the OP use everyone and then expect everyone to be like you and say No Problem.

Just because humans are born into the same Family does not make you Friends anymore than any other humans. Sometimes we get lucky and sometimes we need to remember a person is a person and if they are bad people WHY would you remain around them?

I don't have any family quite that bad, but my 2 maternal uncles are holier-than-thou, entitlement case spoiled brats who make the whiniest millennial look like a reserved saint. And these are two sad sacks in their 60's (JinMi, if you're reading -- remember when we discussed elsewhere seeing that particular attitude coming from a mile away, & being a local phenomena to our area? Yeah, they're GR natives.)

I'll spare you from the long-winded rant, but suffice it to say they're just plain snotty overgrown children and I make no effort to have anything to do with them. They're utterly intolerable to be around.
The longest stretch of having to put up with either of them was when one went down to FL to visit my grandmother when we still lived down there. She let him stay with her, but had enough of his spoiled, whiny s# after ONE NIGHT and kicked him to the nearest hotel for the rest of his visit. Family "outings" for us to show him around were just...miserable. What an impossible to please jackass. She never invited him down again after that, and was steaming for weeks over his attitude.

I count my blessings we haven't stumbled across either one in public yet since moving up to MI.

originally posted by: Sheye
I think you’re so desperate to start new threads you take twisted topics that belong on Facebook for family gossip, into the realms of ATS.

You sound like a judgemental harsh family member to someone who’s obviously not had an easy go of it.

Quoting for future referencing, considering the source.

a reply to: JAGStorm

Me.

I am that Big Auntie that was the oldest of ten children, that spent her childhood raising her siblings after our father died at the age of 40, and whose mother had to go work to care for her family.

The family member with the stupid idea that people are responsible for their own actions and that there are basic rules that should be followed to maintain an amiable environment inside the family home. Tough when you are kid yourself, but it it was a much different time.

Fast forward to today. Big Auntie is the one whose presents are the last ones opened because it is known, without looking, that the present is "something educational".

The one that holds the family together and is the one that "chaps your hide".

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

The one that holds the family together and is the one that "chaps your hide".

Absolutely not! You sound like the relatives that I actually get along with, especially this part

The family member with the stupid idea that people are responsible for their own actions

Now take that entire scenario that you just wrote. Imagine a family member that didn't want their child and you took care of it, sacrificing everything, and then years and years later they wanted that child back, and basically ruined their life. Then that family member gives YOU advice on raising children. That's what I'm talking about..

a reply to: JAGStorm

If you asked my family, I would be the queen of hide chapping.

I am one that keeps the family talking because everyone has to know "what Big Auntie said, or did, this week to chap someone's hide, or to seek validation that the old lady is still crazy. They talk to each other to confirm that they should give up on waiting for me to mellow out.

Yet Big Auntie is the first one called if anything goes awry, or if they need help with anything.

I do understand your frustration. I have one or two in my family that fits the description of the family member in you OP.

That is why my hide chapping skills are not likely to slow down anytime soon.

a reply to: JAGStorm

I am still suffering from that same scenario. I had a nine year old, an eight month old, that barely weighed two pounds, sent home the hospital to die, when I got her, and a new born infant.

Raised them until age fourteen, sixteen, and eighteen. The eighteen year old left home at age eighteen. With a few starts and stops he was, with a lot of help, on his own, mostly.

The mother of the eighteen and sixteen year old, decided at two and four years before graduation, to play Mommy. I had no legal recourse. The oldest did well because she was well grounded before her mother decided she wanted to remove them from the house to play Mommy and best friend.

The sixteen year old did not fare as well and my heart aches everyday that I have to watch what she has become.

I haven't given up on her, I pray I never do, but she is paying dearly, and for the rest of her life, because she didn't receive any hide chapping.

Like I said, I know your frustration. I just hope it works out better for her than it did for my youngest niece.

a reply to: NightSkyeB4Dawn

The sixteen year old did not fare as well and my heart aches everyday that I have to watch what she has become.

YES, This!
Ok you get it. I am not the one that raised the child but I am very close to someone that was caught up in it.
We talk about what would have happened if the biological mom just let her live a normal life. I know we can't say 100%, but we are pretty darn sure her life would have been better, much much better.