Is it a conspiracy? society cover up?

Hello, Im new to ATS. Im 18 years old still in high school my senior year. I have been going through some things for the past couple of months. I dont know how to begin but I will.

It seems like a secret society or some kind of society has been trying to figure me out or change me for some reason. to tell you a little bit about my self I am very quiet and for the most part I stay in the house. Im kind of like an outkast. Getting back to what I have been experiencing, It seems like a society have been trying to figure me out, kind of trying to put a label on me, trying to get something on me like something that would ruin me. Here is how it all started it started close to the end of my junior year in high school, It my whole town was talking about me, I dont know why I was not popular I just stayed in the house for most of the time. I can remember one day I went over to my cousins house, it was like they were trying to break me down, I know they were talking behind my back but when I confronted them they said they were not. They were saying stuff as soon as I turned away or turned my back. Then when I would get to school the kids would talk behind my back. They would say I did not smell good and I had big feet and he's quiet. They never said anything to my face. I had no freinds I would just hear them say this about me. When I confronted them they would deny evreything, trying to make me look crazy. After awhile I was going through a depression. One night I grabbed one of my grandmothers liquor bottles out of the kitchen, I got drunk and passed out. After that night which was on Tueasday, I went to school Wendsday morning and nothing was said except I heard some one say that I had got drunk. Than on Thursday people were saying not to my face, that they saw pictures of me, that three guys had stripped me, some other people say that they raped me, some other people said they molested me. I feel like my hometown was trying to drive me crazy, they were trying to break me down and since I was different. My own so called cousins and my best freind was in this little society scandal. People were trying to compare to other people saying he is going to be this person and that person, when he gets older he is going to be loud and outspoken. One time almost at the end of my junior year I went on a trip to visit my aunt and uncle. when I had got to their house I over heard my aunt talking to my step uncle he married my aunt and my aunt said something, than he said you do not do that to him, that is family. Than as I left the house knowing that my own family was trying to figure me out or break me down I dont know, I said out loud not to anyone, no one was around me, that I was going to go far, than someone said not being in the house all of the time you are not, I dont know why people especially my own family was trying to do this to me.
It seemed like evreyone in my hometown not evreyone but alot of people were trying to cover something up. Its like they were trying to figure me out but they could not. But since they have the pictures ( I never saw them)
they say that we got him, he is just a faggot. Its like society is trying to put a label on me. I was living with my grandmother in my hometown. I decided to live with my mom in another town. people were still talking about me but fewer, its like people in my old town sent the pictures to my new town and told things to people in my new town. People in the new town are saying that I am a hermit a faggot, and that I am evil, that I am an imp and they are saying that they got me, like they have dirt on me, and that they want to make me suffer. I dont know why, Im just a kid, I dont know why I have to go through all of this stuff. I guess because thay cant figure me out they say Im fake. Nothing is never said to me directly, It is always said when I turn my back or look away, though except people at my school ask me why I am quiet just like at my last school. I do smart things like when I am in a store I look at reflection off of the back screen on the t.v. and I see people staring at me hard and pointing at me. but when I turn around they stop staring at me and pointing at me. I was having a conversation with my mom one day out in public and said one day I am going to tell evreything that is happening to me, then some said no one is going to beleive you. Its like a secret society cover up, I wonder if they have did what they are doing to me to other people. I cant trust my family anymore the only people I think I can trust is my mother. I feel like I cant trust me grandmother because I over heard her talking to my aunt and uncle saying that I needed this? Its like evrey time I leave the house go some where people are watching me. Its like they are playing a game with me to make me breakdown. I almost had a nervous breakdown in school but I fought it, I dont think know one noticed it, the only thing is that I had brown sleep in one eye. I also almost had a nervous breakdown over my cousins house that day I mentioned but I had fought it and did not shed a tear and went home, I went back over their house but all they did was talk behind my back, It seemed like what they were doing was hurting them, like they did not want to do it.The only person I still talk to in my family is me mother and grandmother, I dont talk to my bestfreind I knew since pre-k any more because of what went on. Now people are saying that I am cut like they are done with me that I am never going to do nothing with my life, People are saying he was easy...lets move on to the next person. In the new town I am in. I was 17 years old when evreything started now I am 18 years old in my senior year in high school. I do not understand what is going on....please help me understand if this is what society does to strange kids like me because I stay in the house for most of the part dont talk to anyone really and stay in a shell. Im planning on going to college to be successful in life...please help me understand what is going on is this what society does? please respond...thank you.

I started reading this but just couldn't get through it as it is too jumbled. What I did get out of it is that you seem to be a bit paranoid...maybe being, as you put it, an outcast, has caused your paranoia to get the better of you...if you don't intereract with people, you start to wonder what they are talking about, and could they be talking about you, etc, etc. Maybe have a talk with the guidance coucenlor at school.

Also, you posted this twice...

www.abovetopsecret.com...

First of all, I would hope that your family talks about you, it shows they care, good or bad. The kids at school, that is what they do.......talk about others. That being said, this passage is where it starts straying from the norm...

After that night which was on Tueasday, I went to school Wendsday morning and nothing was said except I heard some one say that I had got drunk. Than on Thursday people were saying not to my face, that they saw pictures of me, that three guys had stripped me, some other people say that they raped me, some other people said they molested me.

Now, I'm not trying toi suggest anything with this question.........how certain are you that this happened? How positive are you that they were in fact, talking about you specifically? Can you elaborate on the circumstances so I can see where your coming from? I just want to help you think this out with a clear mind because that is where your answers will be.

I was having a conversation with my mom one day out in public and said one day I am going to tell evreything that is happening to me, then some said no one is going to beleive you.

Also, please provide more info on this......it appears that you have made specific attempts to talk about this with your mother......her reactions to what you have to say are important.

please help me understand if this is what society does to strange kids like me because I stay in the house for most of the part dont talk to anyone really and stay in a shell.

Society does not work the way you described. Without knowing you at all, I feel I can state that you are not strange...........your post seems to be a genuine concern and contains alot of lonely imagery.......let's work on defining a few things further before we come to any conclusions just yet, okay?

My heart goes out to you - you sound frustrated and confused. Ask yourself a couple of questions, do these people really have the time or effort to do this, what is their motivation and how is this information getting back to you - is someone telling you or is it your perception?

My advice is to ask your mother to get you an appointment with a phychiatrist. Tell him/her your concerns, what you think is going on around you. He can offer perspective for you and help you understand your feelings. Like it or not, you are at the age when schizophrenia tends to appear for the first time and you show several signs. I don't say this to frighten you or to dismiss your feelings, but based on your own writings it is a possibility. At the very least having a doctor to talk to will help you put things in perspective and learn to dismiss cruel comments made by others.

I wish you luck.
B.

Originally posted by sensfan
maybe being, as you put it, an outcast, has caused your paranoia to get the better of you...if you don't intereract with people, you start to wonder what they are talking about, and could they be talking about you, etc, etc.

sensfan has a point here. The answer might really just involve gaining some more confidence and finding a group of people who share the same interests as you.......but let's address your concerns so that you will be in a position to want that.

Seeing a guidance counselor is a good idea, but make sure you get more than one person to help you........many people address the symptoms and not the cause......I'm willing to help as well, really, sometimes the answer is confidence.

Originally posted by Bleys
He can offer perspective for you and help you understand your feelings. Like it or not, you are at the age when schizophrenia tends to appear for the first time and you show several signs.

With all due respect, I would hesitate to term this as schizophrenia. Extreme introversion and a lack of personal expression contribute heavily to paranoia and this seeming ongoing lonliness can compound the problem....I disagree that "he/she shows signs." One post is hardly any indicator of anything.....

At the very least having a doctor to talk to will help you put things in perspective and learn to dismiss cruel comments made by others.

Good advice, however.........

I used to be like you... I still am, but I have changed.

First off I'm no expert... But what I write here is what I have found to make me feel better. I cant say if its wrong or right.. But I am a different person now than I was in high school.

There is nothing wrong with being shy. This is the way I see it. Yes people will talk about you but I have learned this (most importantly) They have you figured out wrong! They'll talk and talk but they dont know the true you. If they dont know the true you then they're simply wrong. The only thing that matters is how you feel about yourself

Remember you cannot control anyone elses feelings toward you. All that matters is that you try to be the person you are. If they dont like it.. F*** 'em.

I was speculated many things. Most people were nice to me though. But there were a few out there that really ticked me off. Someone would always say "If you were dead no one would care. They would be like Who was that guy anyway?"

Then again many people thought/think I am a genius. I decided to roll with that.. Jokes on them

I finally realized that worrying about it was just a waste of my time. They were wrong and I was right. I know who I am. If they cant figure me out then they must not care to know me if they are going to treat me like that. Part of its my fault for not showing the true me, but in the end... I dont care. I got myself and I need no one else. I have friends, I have a job and I have ATS

Show off your talents. You can earn some respect that way. You gotta be an artist of somesort. Maybe you're a good writer? Maybe you can draw real well?

Personally I try writing. I used to do it quite a bit when I was in the second or third grade... I cant say that I was any good though.. Everyonce in a while I start writing to see if I can come up with anything good.

I'm 17 and a junior in high school. I kind of see where your coming from. Except my paranoia deals with the government. I know some people who work for the government, I just always feel like I'm being watched. I feel like at my house there's cameras watching me. Its sounds crazy, but thats how i feel. I understand completely how feel the way people treat you at school. People do the same thing to me. Kids don't talk to me either bc they think I'm weird, becuase I like things dealing with the governemnt. Like conspiracies or anything else. Like my dream of being a spy when I'm older, which will never happen. The kids also make fun of me bc I come to the website, and i'm interested in secret society, and freemasons stuff. But just remember your better than they are, bc your not afraid to be different.