Moments Around Good Friends, That Make You Feel Lonely

This thread was very nearly a rant, but I cannot be angry at the people involved, both because they are as near as kin to me, nearer in some respects, and also because they mean no harm. However, deep frustration is involved.

As some of you may know, I am a strange mixture of a very old fashioned man in many respects, as well as being a fellow possessed of a certain respect for the concept of equality which is considered, although it should not be, the issue of this modern age in which we live. This often places me in no mans land, when it comes to the issues of the day, and even amongst firm friends, sometimes finds me standing on a principle with very little company indeed. What follows is a description of just such an event.

This past Saturday, I was out and about with friends in town. Although I am increasingly fond of spending time at friends houses, I am not given, these days at least, to extended outings to public houses. Between the expense involved, and the total inability of my brain to filter cross noise, thereby making following conversation inside such a venue nearly impossible, I find being out in the pubs a less than enjoyable time, unless the circumstances are just right. Midweek is fine, but weekends in an Essex pub are hot, noisy, and utterly valueless to me, save with respect to being there for a friends birthday or other similarly important function.

However, I find beer gardens or outdoor seating areas much more comfortable. I can sit and smoke, pint in hand, and due to the fact that the space is open, cross noise is much less of a problem, because it is not reflected back on itself a thousand fold, ruining whatever conversation I might be able to have with a friend. So it was that I found myself outside a seafront pub on Saturday night, with a fair sized group of friends, casual acquaintances, and faces which I at least knew in passing. Most of the evening went entirely without any incident or even the slightest memorable event. Good chat was had by all, fine beers, good times.

As is often the case with such an arrangement, the outdoor seating was divided into two formats. The first format, lined up against the wall of the front of the pub, were picnic style benches, made of wood. These were placed all along the front wall of the pub, about twelve of them, seating between four and eight people, depending on their size and familiarity with one another. About a three foot wide gap, running the length of the area, was designated a thoroughfare, between these picnic benches, and the other seating format, a loose arrangement of aluminium furniture, was separated from the picnic benches thereby.

Upon one of the picnic benches, were sat two very good friends of mine, part of my regular drinking group, not to mention fellows I would refer to as brothers if I had no awareness of my genetic construction, or indeed, if I become drunk enough to abandon some element of my scientific reasoning. We have shared much, they know me as well as a person can know another. I was sat on the table next to theirs, but facing toward their table. Next to me was a middle aged lady, who I know by way of her being the significant other of the drummer of a local band, whose other members I am also friendly with. She and her drummer man, were next to one another, but facing the opposite way, toward other friends of theirs on the other side of the table. As I was conversing with my friends, an attractive young lady approached, and indicated that she would like to sit next to the lady on my left, and I stood up (because I am a gentleman) and allowed her to do so. It was then that I realised that this must be one of the middle aged ladies three daughters (and of course, I was correct). Stepping away from the table, I took up a position near enough to my friends to continue to converse. Unfortunately, as often happens in situations like this, I was also awkwardly in the thoroughfare between the two types of seating, and anyone wanting to get by was hindered by my girth (not a phrase I use often, I can assure you).

Seeing my plight, and chuckling about it, the young lady who had asked me to move, pulled over a stainless steel chair, plonked it next to her seat at the picnic bench, and bade me sit in it. A conversation struck up, during which we discovered that aside from seeing each other often across crowded rooms, we also share a dislike for fascism and the right wing in general, a preference for cooler weather, and so on. We discussed many things, for about forty five minutes. She spotted a friend of hers, and had to dash through the crowd to see them, leaving her mother and the mothers drummer boyfriend at the table conversing amongst themselves, and me, sat at the end of this picnic bench on a chair...

I thought to myself "Well... that was pleasant. I genuinely was not expecting such a broad and interesting discussion when I started the evenings festivities!" And that was literally the end of my thinking on the matter.

My eyes scanned around for familiar faces, and I caught my friends, one nicknamed Villain, the other JJ, looking at me in a very particular way, eyebrows raised, an expression which they delivered in almost identical fashion, and conveyed both expectation AND disappointment. I should explain that the proximity of these gentlemen, to the mother of the lady I had been conversationally involved with, was less than two meters, and Villain is not a quiet man. This will become important soon, so keep it in mind.

I stood up, from without my metal chair, and stepped over to the table where the lads were sitting. Villain had not taken his eyes off me the entire time since I had caught him looking. He uttered:

"You're ah...you're doing alright there then, eh?"

To which I responded: "Well enough old chap! As you know, I do love a good conversation, and I got one!"

He looked at me like I was mentally deficient for a moment, realised who he was looking at, thought better of that expression, and then selected "generally bemused" as his expression instead. Then JJ piped up:

"She seems to get on with you well. Seems engaged, willing to connect."

I responded: "Well, clearly! One does not often get that level of discourse from someone who desires nothing more than solitude!" still oblivious to the intention of these strange, coded messages I was receiving from my friends, since as far as I knew, all that had happened was a perfectly pleasant chat, a righting of the worlds wrongs, as I would have had with any one of my chums.

Then, Villain said:

"Can you do me a favour tonight?"

Being a wise fellow, I asked: "Well... that depends what it is! Whats on your mind?"

And he did no more, less than two meters from the young ladies mother, than say "Would you do me a favour, and take that girl home tonight and..."

a reply to: TrueBrit

I shall spare you the rest of his utterance. Suffice to say, he implied in more uncompromising terms, that I ought to make it my business to conduct some sort of sexual encounter with this woman, having only really conversed with her for forty five minutes, and without any indication that she was interested in any such activity.

I responded thusly, thrusting my face down to the level of his and JJ’s, so as to lower my voice without being misheard, and to shield my face from the view of the young ladies mother:

“Gentlemen, first, the young ladies mother is right there” I gesticulated in her direction “and I sincerely doubt that she would appreciate hearing her daughter discussed in such bawdy terms. Furthermore, I had not even considered that as an option for the evening, and do you know why? Because I am a gentleman sirs, a gentleman, and as much as it makes my soul glad to know you are interested in the welfare of my heart, I am absolutely appalled that you do not know me well enough by now, to know better than to suggest such a dalliance!”

I accompanied this rebuke with a very firm glare, directed at each of them, before adding:

“And I would hope, if it ever came to it, that you would refer to any lady whom I DID express interest in, with significantly more respect than you referred to the young lady in question this evening. Now… get your face in that pint, and raise your game in future, theres a good pair of lads”.

They took this with good humour of course, as they always do when I have to correct them on a matter of good conduct, and trust me, it happens a fair bit.

Luckily, I do not believe that the young ladies mother, or indeed the young lady herself (who was many meters away, and in deep conversation with another woman at the time) heard a damned thing of what was said between myself, JJ and Villain. It does make me very sad though, that two of my closest associates still find it impossible to understand, despite countless examples over the years of our association, that my comportment differs from theirs not because I am ill, or strange, but because the world around me is ill and strange, and I simply have not been similarly afflicted with its malady. Of all the places to find oneself as an anachronistic throwback, Essex is a harder place than many. Its people can be coarse, tactless, without artistry or depth at times, and it grates on the soul after a while, even when one grows up here.

This little incident will no doubt result in some ribbing from the lads at some point, but I have to state for the record, there is nothing wrong with being like I am, just because it is not like unto the way others are. I needed to state that here, because this is one of the few places anyone will understand in truth, what I mean when I say it.

I've had exactly the same experience with a few of my friends many times.. They just don't get were not all out to pick up chicks and have sex, Sometimes a good night out with the lads and good laugh, trying to forget the rest of the world for a night does the trick for us.

a reply to: TrueBrit

In the United States, any time a mother is in a bar with her daughter it usually is a good thing and ends well.

a reply to: DarkvsLight29

Indeed.

If anything, the thing which troubles me the most, is the casual way the lads treated the honour of the lady concerned. It is just not the way a gentleman behaves, to assume that the lady would be interested in that sort of dalliance, or to suggest that I ought to "take" her anywhere. Cordial invitation, perhaps, but taking implies the old club over the head routine, and that fell out of favour when our ancestors were still wearing deer skins about their waists, and communicating in single syllable grunts...

Actually, by some measures you could argue that we really have not come that far

a reply to: dfnj2015

There is nothing wrong with a mother and daughter going for a drink together. However, I know of few mothers worth a damn, who would respond fondly to hearing their daughter discussed as if she were a commodity, rather than a self determining, self actuated person, with her own thoughts, desires and preferences, that is, in a manner which dehumanises the individual concerned.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Humans are extremely complex beings, everyone also grows and evolves at a different rate. As I grew older, (still relatively young) I started to have less and less friends. As my circle got smaller, the value of each individual grew higher. I apply this principle to pretty much everything in life now; add no value to me? Good bye.

originally posted by: TrueBrit
a reply to: DarkvsLight29

Indeed.

If anything, the thing which troubles me the most, is the casual way the lads treated the honour of the lady concerned. It is just not the way a gentleman behaves, to assume that the lady would be interested in that sort of dalliance, or to suggest that I ought to "take" her anywhere. Cordial invitation, perhaps, but taking implies the old club over the head routine, and that fell out of favour when our ancestors were still wearing deer skins about their waists, and communicating in single syllable grunts...

Actually, by some measures you could argue that we really have not come that far

In some respects we haven't come so far from the good old cave man days lol.

Some of my best mates can say/do almost anything they want and get away with it, that includes theft in the past, I'm more stop that or I'm off etc..Not saying i'm perfect by any means just changed my view on life and how i do things.

a reply to: TrueBrit

I'm surprised your friends don't know you refuse sex unless it involves deep love and connections of emotion. You bang on about it on ATS enough so I assume you are the same in real life conversations.
So yes, if your friends misread your intentions and misunderstood how strongly against safe consensual recreational sex you are, one must wonder how deep your friendships are.

a reply to: TrueBrit

My closest friends (3 of us) have been in situations like that. Except I was on the opposite side of you. It's like you said, their comportment differs from yours and in their minds they were trying to get you to do something they think you needed / wanted. The beer may have helped against their better judgment. It took my buddy and I a while to just keep our mouths shut and let our other friend make his own way in that arena. We always thought he needed help or just wasn't into it which to us was quite weird.

P.S. I always read your posts in a British accent. I swear your penchant to be grandiloquent makes for great reads man, love it. Never change

a reply to: grainofsand

I think its more a case of my friendships not being as deep as the ingrained behaviours of some of my compatriots.

Some of those are the product of childhood, reinforced by the culture with which my friends have been surrounded their whole lives. I cannot reasonably expect my chums to understand my position, I suppose, given how alien it is to everything else they understand about the world they live in.

a reply to: TrueBrit

You are wonderful. Never change

a reply to: TrueBrit

I get what you are saying but if you were in my social group the last conversation I'd ever have with you would be about sex which doesn't involve deep love. I'd know exactly what your reaction would be and totally avoid the subject.

As an aside, most girls in my group would avoid you like the plague for fear of being labeled sluts who fail to meet your 'lady' standards.

Anything I say here will probably do nothing to improve your feelings, but , I will attempt it nonetheless...

The problem lies not with you. It's not a crime to have standards or expect others to have them as well. That being said, there are many modern age social geniuses who thrive in society by applying the latest drop in morality or dignity.
You've done no wrong and have failed Noone in your attempts to enlighten those around you to the fact you survive life's dismal conditions by being noble to those around you, and maintaining a standard of human excellence.
As painful as it may be- do not change yourself in any fashion to achieve acceptance from those of a lesser quality.

It may not mean much.
But I sir, applaud you.

I share your frustrations, these days I just stay home.

a reply to: grainofsand

As an aside, most girls in my group would avoid you like the plague for fear of being labeled sluts who fail to meet your 'lady' standards.

That's a bit harsh I reckon.

TrueBrit has never in my time here every come across as the type that would label or consider any type of lady a "slut".

a reply to: Hazardous1408

I'll let the OP decide if that is harsh or not.
I didn't claim he had labeled slut, just that his moral standards for 'ladies' would put all my female friends off him.
Let him defend himself, he's a big boy.

Jeez OP you should've tapped that.......

a reply to: TrueBrit

This thread was very nearly a rant, but I cannot be angry at the people involved, both because they are as near as kin to me, nearer in some respects, and also because they mean no harm. However, deep frustration is involved.

I completely understand as I am currently experiencing something similar in feelings at the moment, not in situation.
In my opinion, your friends were a little disrespectful in that I don't imagine you have recently adopted this philosophy of 'no sex without deep commitment'.
It can be extremely hurtful when one believes that their 'kinfolk' (family and friends) really really KNOW them and they then 'pop' off with the most ridiculous and/or ludicrous statement about perhaps motives for something that has happened or their personal opinions or beliefs about how you're living your life.

for the record, there is nothing wrong with being like I am, just because it is not like unto the way others are.

I believe this to be true if you are happy and not intentionally hurting someone else then how you choose to live YOUR life is how YOU choose to live it.

a reply to: TrueBrit

Sometimes random connections with people can be fleeting but profound, your friends are likely to miss out on it if their focus is on setting up a shag for later instead of enjoying being in the moment.