posted on Mar, 20 2017 @ 09:01 AM
The music playing over the radio distracted me in the best and the worst ways possible. For a few moments I was able to leave the chaos of the last
two hours behind me and just drive. Feeling free , I navigated my car along the winding road, trying to block out the contentious words of my wife
that were still echoing in my mind. I had argued with her about everything and yet being alone out on the road, I couldn't help but admit she was
right. I couldn't believe she had the nerve.....
The moment came out of nowhere. No warning, no alarm bells, just the sounds of impending uncertainty rushing all around me. I vaguely remember the
crunching of the steel, glass exploding, a car horn blaring just a second before everything just ...switched off.
One second I was on the open road trying to leave everything behind me, and the next second I actually did. Completely surrounded by nothingness, I
tried to get my bearings. Where was I ? What was I ? Everything that seemed so important a moment ago had suddenly vanished with no explanation and no
apology. Everything I had worked for my entire life, gone in an instant. I looked around or at least tried to but there was nothing to see. Not just
darkness, being in the absence of light, but actual complete nothingness. I had the feeling that if someone turned a light on i would still be
surrounded by darkness because there was nothing for the light to illuminate.
I have no idea how long I remained in this void. Could have been years, or it could have been just a few seconds. In those moments, I was encompassed
by nothing but my thoughts. Is this death? Is this part of the grand plan? Is there a plan at all? If this is the after life will I get to see my son
that passed away when he was only 9? I couldn't help but feel the wind on my face as I recalled running through the park , showing little Phillip how
to fly a kite for the first time. It was as if I could feel his arms around me giving me a hug as he spoke in my ear, " I love you daddy." I love
you to Philly, oh god how I love you. I felt tears running down my face and a feeling of hopelessness and anger. Why why why kept reverberating in my
mind and I could not come up with an answer.
In that moment a small pinhole of blueish white light opened up in front of me. It slowly grew till it enveloped my entire being. I suddenly felt my
self moving quickly through this space, unsure if it was me that was accelerating or just my surroundings. I felt my self propelled forward with a
force I couldn't account for, and then suddenly everything stopped.
I found my self standing in an empty room, mostly white, devoid of any real definition. I stretched out my hand , and in front of me was screen with
swirling purples and blues. As I touched it the colors faded away and in its place were 3 buttons each with a description. From top to bottom they
read, " TRY AGAIN", " MOVE ON", and "HELP OTHERS". The button that said " HELP OTHERS" was not highlighted, only the top two were. In my mind
I asked, why is that? In response I felt the impression in my mind that I simply wasn't ready for that option. I looked around trying to see if I was
alone, trying to feel something, love, faith , hope, anything. I was alone , yet I had the strange feeling that I really wasn't alone at all. I felt
the presence of eyes watching me, wondering which option I would choose, yet I saw no one.
In that moment, everything I had ever thought or believed was up ended. All of our concepts of God or what life after death might be faded away.
Death, like life was just a series of choices, and the answers to our questions are never going to just be handed to us. The answers have to be found
inside of us. I reached for the button that said "TRY AGAIN." Closing my eyes as I pressed it , I thought about my wife. I thought about my son. I
thought about the love we shared, never mind how brief and fleeting it all was. I thought about the choices I had made , both good and bad. Could I
maybe do things better? Could I learn from my mistakes? Could I ever hold my boy in one hand and my wife in the other ever again?
These thoughts were swirling in my head as I felt my hand press the button. I don't know where I was and I don't know where I' m going. But I do
know my journey isn't over yet. As long as I still have something to learn, I'm going to press forward. And then , in an instance.....everything