Ex-girlfriend coming for a visit

My ex-girlfriend sent me an instant message out of the blue two days ago. I thought I would never hear from her again because it had been months since I heard from her last.

I told her how much weight I've lost since she saw me last, and she was interested. I took a selfie, and I sent it to her.

She told me I "look great." That's the first time she's said that to me ever. She immediately wrote that she wants to come visit me. We had a long-distance relationship, and we still live in different cities.

The main reason I broke up with her was because I thought she had to have a child, and I can't bring a child into this world with how messed up it is.

After talking with her since we broke up, she told me one of the most shocking things I've ever heard.

She could have accepted marrying me and not having a child if I would have had an 'acceptable' rationale for my view. If I would have said that my reason for not having a child was because it was too difficult, we could have stayed together.

Since we're both single, can I convince her that my rationale for not having a child has changed?

I wouldn't be lying because I believe having children is too difficult.

I would marry her in a heartbeat.

No no no no no no no no no no no.

Sorry, personal opinion now from experience:

Dont let them play you for a fool after they dump you, just because you look better, have X instead of Y, never let them close again.

I had asked my ex to marry me, we were engaged for 3 years getting ready for our wedding when out of the blue she dumped me I was down and out for months, but finally pulled myself together, better job, better life, more money, healthier. Months later I meet an old friend, we end up dating, my ex hears of my life change and tries to muscle her way in.

No. Dont let someone play with your heart. Its not fair on you, and you can never trust these people.

Since we're both single, can I convince her that my rationale for not having a child has changed?

No, because down the line she will go "huh..... this isnt what I want"

originally posted by: thekaboose
No no no no no no no no no no no.

Sorry, personal opinion now from experience:

Dont let them play you for a fool after they dump you

I dumped her, and she told me it broke her heart. She is unique, and I'm still in love with her. I'm not going to post specifics about her personality, age, body, etc., but it's all about the best I could hope for.

Starting a family is the single best thing you can do with your life my friend.

Of course it is hard, of course the world is a sh!t place to bring a kid, but it's the only world we've got and we can only hope to change it by raising responsible children.

All the cr@p they foist on us is to stop us from raising strong families in strong communities, don't let them win!

originally posted by: Dem0nc1eaner
Starting a family is the single best thing you can do with your life my friend.

Of course it is hard, of course the world is a sh!t place to bring a kid, but it's the only world we've got and we can only hope to change it by raising responsible children.

All the cr@p they foist on us is to stop us from raising strong families in strong communities, don't let them win!

Society is built around entrapping people into having families. Do you really believe the idea of not having children is promoted in the mainstream? Where?

I'm on the other side of the issue. I completely believe that things are too far gone to have children these days.

Earth is on brink of a sixth mass extinction, scientists say, and it’s humans’ fault

I'm of the view of that having children now is the equivalent of bringing more people onto the Titanic while it was sinking.

Stop planning things.. go with the flow.. do stupid things, take risks and face problams. you only live for 5 or 6 decades. And thats gone befor you paying attention to it.

originally posted by: Pandaram
Stop planning things.. go with the flow.. do stupid things, take risks and face problams. you only live for 5 or 6 decades. And thats gone befor you paying attention to it.

I already got divorced over the issue of having children. It's a deal-breaker for me. When it comes to marriage, it may be the only one. We all have our boundaries.

End of the day, ehat matters is what makes you happy.

Happy 'for old times' shagging.

a reply to: Profusion

Each to their own mate, but having a kid will change your life for the better, 100% guaranteed.

ps. You said they want people to have kids but then show examples of them trying to turn people off the idea? Fact is, the Earth will support about 9 - 9.5 billion people comfortably, with our current levels of technology. Every society eventually gets to that 2.4 children point and stabilises.

If there were too many people for the Earth to support, the population of the Earth wouldn't be growing still...

Danger Will Robinson! There will always be people we love that do not make good marriage partners. You are going back to the bad zone and she's playing you like a fiddle-move forward not backward and for God's sake don't marry her.

Have a polite visit. If you don't want children then why marry? If the connection is real them have a relationship-
Ah, but yes-you already did that and see how it turned out-misery.

She's bad, bad news and using your emotions to capture you. Pay attention to your brain and not your nethers.

Talk to a good psychologist if the draw to her is too strong. She's kryptonite.

a reply to: Profusion

Listen,


There are some things about what you are saying, that are like red flags, big massive flags, visible from the opposite side of a wide valley, used to signal danger, skullduggery and the like.

First, you say that you mentioned to her that you have lost some weight, that she said you look great. Well that's all very well, but if she was the sort of lass a man ought to marry, she would be into you with or without whatever weight you lost. Having something put away for the winter is not unhealthy. Good people know this. People you marry, know this. Those who do not understand this, those who are only prompted to say "You look great" when you are hitting the GQ spot for them, you do not marry these people. You do not even validate their opinion by giving them access to your person.

Second thing, in my experience, the last thing you have to do for someone who cares about you is rationalise your position to them. If they get you well enough to be life partner material, there is no need for that bunkum. Either she can get over your position and realise that you are worth her time regardless of it, or she cannot. But having to do a deposition over the topic does not sound like something that happens in a healthy relationship to me.

The fact that shes all over your tail because you sculpted it, maybe interested because you might have translated your position into a format she understands it in... This crap should not be necessary. If you ask me, the woman you ought to be with, is the one who would follow you into hell and back again, when you look your worst, when you cannot rationalise a damn thing. Why? Because it means when the chips are seriously down, you will not have to worry about being left in the dark with only broken bulbs, and no step ladder.

That is just my two pence on the matter.

originally posted by: Profusion

originally posted by: thekaboose
No no no no no no no no no no no.

Sorry, personal opinion now from experience:

Dont let them play you for a fool after they dump you

I dumped her, and she told me it broke her heart. She is unique, and I'm still in love with her. I'm not going to post specifics about her personality, age, body, etc., but it's all about the best I could hope for.

Why are you basically inviting her back into your life then? IF you get back together and never had kids then you have stopped her ever having them. This is going to be the most horrible thing I have ever said on this forum and its going to get a lot of hate...but here we go


Do you want to rob her of the chance of having a family with someone who shares the same goals as her in the future?

If you can look her dead in the eye and say without faffing about "If we got together we could never have children together no matter how much you want them because I do not, I do not want to have children with you or anyone else. That is my choice and I expect you to respect my choice"

If you can except that you will be repressing this persons desires to procreate and enjoy a family then go for it.

Personally, I believe you are better off finding someone who doesn't want kids, someone who shares your views.

Failing that YOU need to change, if YOU ended it with HER then YOU need to make the effort, you need to consider having children and HONESTLY think about it, if you dont then you do not deserve to be with her. I have seen many relationships end badly due to one person outright not wanting kids and making the other person feel selfish for wanting them.

TL;DR

Get over it, move on, let her have kids, find someone who you wont repress

originally posted by: Profusion

The main reason I broke up with her was because I thought she had to have a child, and I can't bring a child into this world with how messed up it is.

She could have accepted marrying me and not having a child if I would have had an 'acceptable' rationale for my view. If I would have said that my reason for not having a child was because it was too difficult, we could have stayed together.

Never underestimate the power of the **BIOLOGICAL CLOCK**

a reply to: Profusion

If she wants a child and you don't for the reasons you gave above, then why not consider adoption down the road? Plenty of kids needing good families to support them, especially if they are already on this sinking ship, as you put it

a reply to: Profusion

I'm thinking if you do get back together and get married better be prepared for fatherhood,the lady always prevails

Get a dog.
Wermins will ruin your life.
Bang the occasional piece of tail.
It'll cure what ails you.
Being single is not such a bad thing.

a reply to: thekaboose
Applause for that.

Profusion, the best answer so far is this one. Go find a lady that has already made the same decision by getting her internals sealed off from pregnancy.

But, before heading that, go ahead and just get a good lay out of it.

a reply to: Profusion
Dude, it's called gaslighting. Saying anything to get your way. Didn't you find it weird that *suddenly* she's okay with the one thing women never compromise on?

It sounds to me more like (as eletheia said) her biological clock is ticking and she thought she could sway you. I guarantee you, her compromise is a bluff, because she knows she will be able to change your mind eventually. Enjoy fatherhood man

She cares about looks too much.

a reply to: Profusion

Focus on finding yourself and the right things will find you.