It's been turbulent times since Thanksgiving, as some of you already know. Thanksgiving Day and for a week after that myself and family were in
various Critical Care hospital rooms with my older brother.. and sadly this is the first Christmas without him..
We just had his service on Thursday (12/22), and it was so incredibly painful and "real", but I was surprised at how composed I was in getting
through it, and the little bit of peace that came after the service. I was even able to write and speak at the service, something I wasn't sure I
would be able to do. They also did a live-feed of the service and it currently has just shy of 7,000 views, which is pretty incredible.
But Christmas Eve and Day brought back the same raw pain and ultimate devastation.
My birthday will be here mid-January as well, and it being the first birthday in 27 years he isn't around, it will also be somber and a difficult
It's also taken a toll on friendships, and my romantic "significant other", who proposes we take a break so I can focus on family.
I realize some of the people I thought were the most important to me don't even have the decency to ask how I'm doing or respond to me when I try to
make plans. My best friend since middle school (16-17 years now) is bipolar and we've butted heads in the past, but I've reached out to him multiple
times trying to see him and now I've given up.
Since my brother's funeral, only one single friend checked to see how I was doing (my partner attended the service with family and has been very
My family has been pretty incredible.. but I'm so scared my memories of him will fade and I won't cherish our brotherly bond as much as these
distinct memories fade... I'm scared to death about it.
But I also think about how fear-stricken I was early in the week as we got closer and closer to the funeral - the day before I was literally freaking
out, I couldn't believe the clock kept ticking by. I just wanted to stop time, and not have it come to pass. But I did get a lot out of the service
and so did hundreds (thousands I guess) of other people.
I know grief is one of the most difficult life experiences we have to deal with. I guess it is a blessing in disguise that this whole experience is
revealing to me which relationships are worth my energy and who is just dragging me down. However, it's extremely painful, because not only have I
lost my idol and big brother, but now I'm realizing I'm losing many other people as well.
I know this isn't exactly an organized train of thought and my writing is jumping around a lot.. I apologize if it's tough to follow. I just felt
compelled to write something and have some sort of conversation with my ATS circle.
I hope others were able to enjoy this holiday and we can ring in 2017 on a positive note, with good times to be had ahead.
Love to you all.
edit on 25-12-2016 by FamCore because: (no reason given)