a reply to: Astrocyte
Very nice deductions the main crux is the driver of evolution which is basically just adaptation to adversity... our mental being grows or stunts to
these adaptations to adversity in coping mechanisms. Past experiences held go beyond the fight or flight in the human experience, because how can
children fight or flight against an adversity if their parents or peers are ones they cannot escape from... so since one has no such freedom to escape
a home life or peer life in a school setting that may be one of more adversity than growth, various coping mechanisms are formed as an escape to those
The thing about such coping mechanisms is even ones are formed in growth promoting environments of parents and peers... later on when faced with an
adversity they are unfamiliar with. This is where self protection ideas and fear of the unknown arise having previously been so coddled or cloistered
away from such interactions that do not affirm their grasp of reality and instead are seen as an adversity and then form coping in various ways to
deal with such things.
So it should be obvious that much of the way one reacts to things is going to be based on how they were fostered to in affirmation and encouraging
groups in coping or had to adapt to in a very maladaptive environment that didn't foster early growth with a coping based on survival needs.
When both of those coping groups combine in early and later adulthood, they are automatically at odds in understanding... yet both can benefit from
each other if taken to understanding instead of rejection for various reasoning without really any ration to it.
Each choice not our own requires an adaptation and in these moments of no choice how we chose to think or act based on the lack of choice is how we've
constructed various personalities of coping.
A personal example; is I grew up in a very hostile and abusive home, everyday was survival including trying to secure ones own food and personal space
was a hard fought freedom. I found coping in reading books and being outside as far removed from the conflicts going on as possible. This coping made
me very adverse to any conflict, yet there was a hidden under current of rage built up due to having to repress any and all voice as no matter what
was said it was always disregarded because of honor parents even if they are the very reason why they are unhappy, resentful and at each others
throats and children were just a burden and in the way. So all of that bottled emotion not allowed any expression gave a coping of being passive
aggressive, like calm water that could crash into a force of a devastating wave if need be.
Being in such an unhealthy environment, I coped the best way I could... but as I neared adulthood the clinging of that control the only one either
parents had was over their children... the more they grasped and clung to us because they had neither control over themselves much less each other. So
in the same way anorexics etc. take control in the only area they seem to have any over, it became apparent that the sudden importance of parental
clinging that had always been repulsion was to keep their coping mechanism of control around that was a buffer to spread abuse and pain from that they
constantly inflicted on each other.
It took quite a few years to undo all of the unhealthy coping mechanisms from having to adapt in such an environment, and being so used to using
children as their various means and ways of coping mechanisms as an unconscious habit... those habits they exhibit still try to surface and exert to
this very day, in the cognitive dissonance of total denial or an attempt to depersonalize or invalidate ones experience of the environment by
objecting any view point other than their own, as to what was or did occur... as yet another form of coping to the adversity called truth.
Of course, those that did not have such an extreme of adversity find it difficult to relate to such things, but being over such things there's really
no point in bringing it up unless it's to educate on something rarely seen without trying to peel through layers and layers of damage that is not a
part of the person at all, unless such is perpetuated in their own behavior and just the coping mechanisms forming a self in that adaptation to such
Of course some would say such adversity not adopted as personal traits, when all coping is shed away into positive behaviors, even though such coping
is difficult to see as it was an oasis that becomes an automatic habit one goes to without thinking about it's occurring.
Such as someone just shutting down and walking away from a disagreement, concerned that it may escalate only to have it bubble away and with each
disagreement adding to the burden until it just explodes or enough becomes enough and they just leave the entire situation seeing it as a dysfunction
and not seeing the failure to effectively communicate even in a disagreement is also a dysfunction of coping that will continually surface and
sabotage the persons life, as disagreements are bound to continually arise throughout the course of ones life.
Either way we evolve physically as an organism, whether the experience continues if positive or negative determines the mental evolution of being
through how we cope or have learned to with each and every experience. Such as someone failing to smile back at you, sends you into an emotional
extreme, one would say the coping would be self deluding negation instead, that makes excuses for them... such as maybe they didn't your smiling,
maybe they were in a bad mood etc.
However, since the reaction takes place within you... then of course the more healthy approach would be looking at your expectation as the giver in
what it is you hope to receive, or what you expect as a feeling in it's return knowing what the feeling is when it isn't being one you dread. The cure
is of course, learning to give smiles without expectation of any receiving them as a custom... as the self training to smile at others has come with
an expectation... instead of simply just smiling, because thats what you feel like doing.
In such a manner smiling has ceased to be simply smiling and instead become an act of intention with attachments to the act of smiling... so digging
deeply and honestly into your intentions for smiling and the expectations attached to that intention will uproot that emotional turmoil that has
attached itself forcing you to cope with something, instead of well just smiling because the mood to smile manifests in that moment it occurs...
instead of preconceived with intentions and outcomes and expectations as an "act" of smiling.
Smiling is a natural occurrence, forcing it to be UN-natural with all of these mental attachments in it's expression is why it has become something to
contend with that brings you suffering and in turn having to adapt to that suffering with some form of coping when the expected outcome does not match
the intent for doing so.
Sorry to turn some focus directly onto what you shared... but since you said it brings you suffering, In compassionate understanding the root of why
it is causing you to suffer... it's one of my duties to aid in the removal of such things to ease others suffering, by pointing directly at the cause
for which they are suffering, rarely it is at the hands of another, even then we always have a choice to react or not.