"I'm sorry"

I know it is the most used phrase, but many people refuse to go to any funerals or wakes because they fear saying the wrong thing, something that may offend someone. Most people feel that saying I am sorry is appropriate. Of course if they care, they will be sorry for one's loss. With so many people being offended over so many things, I see more and more people distancing themselves from one another, rather than coming together.

I know in my heart that every person who said "I'm sorry for your loss", genuinely meant it and was trying to be a comfort to me in my time of sorrow. I knew they cared and I knew they loved me.

I'd like to say that at one time it used to irk the hell out of me when people would be speaking about the deceased person in the casket and say how good they look. I used to think, OMG, they're dead how could someone comment on how good they look???? Then as I got older and started losing family members, I thought, wow, it's true. They do look good. They don't look sickly anymore, they look so much better. It was easier to see them like that.

a reply to: Night Star

I know it is the most used phrase, but many people refuse to go to any funerals or wakes because they fear saying the wrong thing, something that may offend someone. Most people feel that saying I am sorry is appropriate. Of course if they care, they will be sorry for one's loss. With so many people being offended over so many things, I see more and more people distancing themselves from one another, rather than coming together.

I know in my heart that every person who said "I'm sorry for your loss", genuinely meant it and was trying to be a comfort to me in my time of sorrow. I knew they cared and I knew they loved me.

Very well stated. It is disheartening to think that the world has come to such a point that even the best-intended gestures are subject to quantification. That because they used the "wrong" word or phrase, their effort is nullified. I sincerely hope that no one actually goes so far as to rebuff a gesture like that from someone who is only trying to do the right thing. The old adage, "it's the thought that counts" applies here.

When my father passed away, "I'm sorry for your loss" was the phrase that most everyone used to express their sympathy for my suffering the profound loss of my parent, and it was genuine and heartfelt coming from each and every person who said it. "My condolences" sounds cold and aloof to my ears by contrast. An afterthought, as if grief is something to be dismissed with a formality and then forgotten about. But even so, I would never think to be critical of someone for saying it to me, because by attempting to comfort me at all, they were taking time to show me that they cared, and that was what mattered.

Saying "I'm sorry for your loss" isn't a reference to the deceased. It is an expression to comfort the person who has lost so much through the death of someone they love...and it is a loss. It is commiseration in the knowledge that all they will have left are memories because the person is gone, and whether or not their energy remains, it is still a physical loss of that person from this world. Their passing leaves a void that, regardless of all the good things they left behind, cannot be filled. It is someone saying that they are sad to see someone whom they care about go through the pain of losing someone who was a major part of their life. It is a gesture of kindness, and you are right...that is not easy for some people.

Unfortunately, I had cause to revisit this thread today; after I got home last night I found out that one of my dearest friends had, very suddenly, passed away in his sleep the night before. I posted a few words in memory of him on my Facebook wall, and other friends left comments that his family was able to see. The most often used phrase? You guessed it: " I am so sorry for your loss." And the family were touched by the kindness of people whom they do not even know honoring him in that way. They certainly weren't sitting in judgement of them with a thesaurus, ready to criticize their vocabulary. If someone cares enough to pay someone else a kindness like that, why isn't that enough? It should be.

a reply to: tigertatzen

Well said! And...I am genuinely sorry for the loss of your dear friend. HUGS!!!!

a reply to: Night Star

Thank you! He had Parkinson's and was only 36 years old. I know he is in a better place now, free of pain and the physical limitations of his body, but his poor wife and kids are not handling it well at all. I wish I could do something for them, but they have to come to a place of acceptance in their own way.

It sounds like when your wounds are raw, pretty much anything can irk you.

When people say they are sorry it's because they care about you and they are sorry you are in pain. There's not much else they can say, especially if they didn't know the deceased very well. Saying nothing seems callous. If they try to wax philosophical they are risking really offending you. ....my point is, the people saying they are 'sorry' only mean well, try to remind yourself of that and hopefully you won't be so irked.

PS When a politician says "I'm sorry." it really means "I'm sorry I got caught." ...completely different use of the word.



And I would say "I'm sorry for your loss." but now I don't really know what to say to you. "I'm sorry you are in pain." ? Would that work for you?

I completely agree. When I was 18 I got chastised by my stepmom not long after my grandfather died because one of her friends said to me "I'm sorry about your grandfather" and my reply was "it's ok".

I wasn't happy he had died, he and I were pretty close and after having many close family die when I was young, he was the only remaining link to that side of my family. I was doing ok, and getting through it, but I have never understood peoples need to say sorry to someone who is grieving.

Sorry for what? You didn't do it, you didn't know the person, and you barely know me.

If you want to be sincere, how about "that's a real shame" or "I'm sorry to hear the news" or something that makes more sense. Yes I know it's just how some people use the word, but yea it's always bothered me also, probably because of loosing a parent at a very young age and constantly hearing it, I just got tired of it.

I feel like: leave me alone, it wasn't your fault, mind your business.

a reply to: 8675309jenny

Yeah, but if people left you alone, you'd be standing there by yourself thinking, "What a bunch of callous jerks. No one is showing me an ounce of support."

Years ago I was trying to comfort a friend who's sister had just killed herself. I misspoke, then the more I tried to dig out of the whole the deeper I got. It was a mess. Now I'm terrified to say anything more than "I'm sorry for your loss."

a reply to: ladyvalkyrie

Yeah, but if people left you alone, you'd be standing there by yourself thinking, "What a bunch of callous jerks. No one is showing me an ounce of support."

You are right about that. I have a friend whose brother died of an overdose a few years ago, and he was understandably distraught over it. But he behaved very nastily toward other people, lashing out instead of properly taking the time to deal with his loss and addressing the true object of his anger: his brother. He was "irked" too, by kind people trying to comfort him and pay their respects. It got to the point where he would just snap on people and become verbally abusive; "venomous" probably best describes his behavior.

The thing that would really set him off was if anyone said the words "I know how it feels". He would launch into a tirade, screaming that they didn't know how he felt, they had not lost a brother to addiction, on and on. And he was often correct about that...most hadn't. However, they had lost brothers/sisters/parents/spouses to equally horrific and early demises, and that was what they were trying to convey. They were trying to comfort him, trying to tell him that they could relate to the level of pain he was feeling, because they, too, had lost someone who was their entire world. But because they didn't phrase it the way he wanted, he used that as an excuse to mistreat them.

Eventually, he had no friends left...he had driven them all away with his horrid behavior. One night, he was whining to me about it, and I just straight up told him, "dude, you refused to accept help and kindness when it was offered to you, and now you want to complain because people don't want to be around someone who berated them for trying to help?" This is very much like that, to me. People place way too much importance on specific words or gestures, and while they're so busy finding fault with something that was said, they're missing the actual message. If someone reaches out to a grieving person, they are trying to help, even if it makes them feel uncomfortable to do so. Why would anyone nitpick about the words they use to offer that comfort? It makes no sense to me.