am I just paranoid, or is he hiding something

a reply to: DeadSeraph

I don't care how long I've been with somebody, I will have "privacy concerns." I have no interest in having a face to face conversation while sitting on the can. I don't like sharing food from my plate. I don't want to share a toothbrush unless a) it's got replaceable heads on it or b) it's a dire emergency, in which case I will at least consider it.

For me, it's this simple: if I am not the person who gave "you" trust issues, then don't treat me like I am. Innocent till proven guilty and all that.

originally posted by: ImaFungi

originally posted by: Midnight13
in the beginning, I was fine with him looking up porn...it's when we got more serious, I didn't like it. I honestly get disgusted with porn, but I didn't want to be one of those gf's who restricts him from it.

I'm absolutely NOT fine with him going to chat rooms and looking up LIVE porn.

Sounds like he does not even deserve you.

But anyway, you must understand the source of mans sexual appetite.

A very main necessary reason human life exists right now and continues to exist, is because of sex.

Thus, throughout history it has been somewhat of an evolutionary advantage for an organism to desire to have sex, as this yields greater chances of reproducing.

Well the psychology of all this can be truly infinitely deep, but, an aspect that may be relevant is the orgasm as being like a drug. A comforting substance that is always there for one to submit too.

It is interesting you are ok with porn, but not live porn, but none the less.

This sounds like a person who is very addicted to sex, and I wouldnt even be surprised if a large majority of your relationship is based on his desire to have someone to regularly have sex with, as many relationships might find their source in.

Either this person is 'the one for you', and you will tolerate his sexual addictions, or you will attempt to work with him for them to get better, or he is not the one for you.

It is very understandable not wanting your significant other to fantasize about having sex with other females.

It hurts, because we want to be their everything. We get jealous, and imagine that we are not enough, feel as if we are not enough, and the actions are proving that we are not enough. But it is difficult to be enough, understandably. When viewing the relationship to sex as one of desire of chemical and substance reaction. The temptation is over whelming. If a man is able to find one woman beautiful and sexually desirable, it is nearly impossible for those same natural mechanisms of the human sensory system which say 'reproduce reproduce reproduce...that looks like a nice candidate', to find no other female attractive. In this sense, monogamous relationship, especially with one who is addicted to sex, and naturally finds many females beautiful, it is like telling a person who loves fruit, not only can they only pick one type of fruit to eat for the rest of their lives, but that they may only take one piece of that fruit, a nibble on it for the rest of their lives, while existing in a world full of fruit. The outlet of porn, and its ability to sate these infinite desires for pleasure and variety, is an intriguing one. We must admit that we would rather our significant other to sate their desires digitally than physically, but it does seem ideally, our significant other would be strong enough to nearly eliminate their obsessive sexual desires, and be completely satisfied with our physical relationship.

To be honest, I thought I was gonna be ok with it, but seeing it...I don't like it.

A man shouldn't even have to look up porn while he's in a healthy sexual relationship. But he has an addiction...

originally posted by: Midnight13


A man shouldn't even have to look up porn while he's in a healthy sexual relationship. But he has an addiction...

That is like saying a man shouldnt even be able to want to admire and drive other cars if he has one.

Or that you should not have to watch TV and movies if you have your own life to live.

Those are far from perfect or maybe even relatable analogies.

There is plenty of literature online, about women and men who deal with each other and relationships and porn.

I mean if he has severe attachments to porn stars and such, that is a little crazy... but any more crazy than a person having attachments to an action movie star? It is just different modes of pleasure, albeit one defined and intuited as more intimate one.

It is such a tricky topic...

It is likely 'self pleasuring', was a personal relationship thing, before most relationships. So even if you satisfy each other in every possible way, there is still the potential, to experience ones relationship to their orgasm, in different and various ways. It is all about the variety, which is why I used to fruit and car example. Why do different types of cars need to exist? 4 wheels, steering wheel, engine, why isnt every car the same? Because boredom and monotony is the great human enemy. Because variety is the spice of life. Because we like to feel as if we are gaining different values and novelties, that we are not endlessly pushing the same boulder up the same hill. Because having sex with a beautiful women is suppose to be a great challenge in nature, and now porn has opened the floodgates to the male spirit, a sort of cheat code, that now a man can virtually have sex with the most beautiful females that have ever lived, after growing up in a highly sexualized while at the same time tabooized culture in which 'winning at life' equals having sex with beautiful women.

Complex issues. Honesty in relationships will always be key, unless you desire ignorance, chaos and mystery, misunderstanding and miscommunication.

I just don't see what's so hard about being faithful! if you can't be in a faithful relationship, don't be in a relationship!

originally posted by: Midnight13

To be honest, I thought I was gonna be ok with it, but seeing it...I don't like it.

A man shouldn't even have to look up porn while he's in a healthy sexual relationship. But he has an addiction...

Yes you should be concerned, behavioral changes are a good indicator something is wrong. No you shouldn't go snooping. Just ask if he can't give you a believable explanation then it is time to move on.

a reply to: Midnight13

I think this is your issue more than his phone. You've got to a serious stage of your relationship where you feel that you should be enough for him, but he's not at that stage with you.

As for the phone, is it possible that he's starting to keep it away from you simply because he's seen you look over his other forms of communication and feels that he'd rather keep his phone private? That would be understandable.

Perhaps you could risk asking him if you could use it to make a call and see his reaction but I think you need to consider very carefully what you want out of your relationship and if he's the man to provide it. And be very honest about whether or not you can provide for all his needs.

originally posted by: Greathouse
a reply to: Char-Lee

From my experience people become insecure from an earlier relationship. Insecurity goes hand-in-hand with low self-esteem which is normally triggered by events during childhood.

Insecurity can come from any time in your life. it is usually generated by not being given a sense of security by those who you love.

Every person experiences some insecurity and low self esteem in their lives unless they have a god complex. Low self esteem is healed by love as is insecurity. If you did not get this as a child it can be given by a mate. Love is not going to label you. It is going to nurture you and heal you, this is something you do for each other naturally if you are not playing some game.

No need to fear the flaws in your partner, there are no perfect people. You just have to pick what feels right for you and leave the catchwords out of it. If you hate insecure people then I guess they are off of your list.

(I actually made a list when I began dating, for instance porn means you are not in the running in my world)

Funny thing is most of the more desired person in our world do indeed have low self esteem or have had and were healed by a great partner. Most movie stars and writers confess to low self esteem even though many are beautiful to look at. Read the biographies of the top in any field most had these afflictions.

I think the main lesson I learned in my life was to be completely happy alone before looking for someone else. I do mean happy not just content.

originally posted by: berenike
a reply to: Midnight13

I think this is your issue more than his phone. You've got to a serious stage of your relationship where you feel that you should be enough for him, but he's not at that stage with you.

As for the phone, is it possible that he's starting to keep it away from you simply because he's seen you look over his other forms of communication and feels that he'd rather keep his phone private? That would be understandable.

Perhaps you could risk asking him if you could use it to make a call and see his reaction but I think you need to consider very carefully what you want out of your relationship and if he's the man to provide it. And be very honest about whether or not you can provide for all his needs.

He never saw me look through his other communications online.

If he had to keep these live porn chatrooms a secret from me, idk what else he could be hiding.

originally posted by: Midnight13
I just don't see what's so hard about being faithful! if you can't be in a faithful relationship, don't be in a relationship!

How do you think all the husbands of America ought to have felt after discovering their wives were one of the millions reading and enjoying 50 shades of grey?

What if your boyfriend does not want you to eat cookies because he is jealous that you receive more pleasure from them than him?

What if he does not want you to watch any TV shows because it makes him feel as if you need something more in your life than him?

originally posted by: ImaFungi

originally posted by: Midnight13
I just don't see what's so hard about being faithful! if you can't be in a faithful relationship, don't be in a relationship!

How do you think all the husbands of America ought to have felt after discovering their wives were one of the millions reading and enjoying 50 shades of grey?

What if your boyfriend does not want you to eat cookies because he is jealous that you receive more pleasure from them than him?

What if he does not want you to watch any TV shows because it makes him feel as if you need something more in your life than him?

haha! I'm talking about monogamy here, not cookies and TV.

There's no excuse. maybe because I have aspergers and I value honesty greatly and being faithful...

I just don't get humans sometimes

a reply to: Char-Lee

We are looking at this from two different angles. You hold up your relationship as the perfect relationship. In your own words you ask why other people don't act the same as you. Your relationship appears to be the exception to the rule. You also seem quite happy and again I congratulate you.

I am speaking of the rule as it applies to most relationships. Most people hold their privacy dear and do not appreciate snooping. And most the people that are snooping are insecure in the relationship.

As I've said the relationship you are in sounds wonderful. But you cannot apply your relationship across the board. And I still stand by trust is the basic principle all solid relationships are found on.

We can bat this back-and-forth forever I suppose. But I'm going to stand on my statements as I'm sure you will stand on yours.

Btw did you get China, platinum, emeralds or a daylily on your 20th anniversary?

originally posted by: Midnight13

originally posted by: berenike
a reply to: Midnight13

I think this is your issue more than his phone. You've got to a serious stage of your relationship where you feel that you should be enough for him, but he's not at that stage with you.

As for the phone, is it possible that he's starting to keep it away from you simply because he's seen you look over his other forms of communication and feels that he'd rather keep his phone private? That would be understandable.

Perhaps you could risk asking him if you could use it to make a call and see his reaction but I think you need to consider very carefully what you want out of your relationship and if he's the man to provide it. And be very honest about whether or not you can provide for all his needs.

He never saw me look through his other communications online.

If he had to keep these live porn chatrooms a secret from me, idk what else he could be hiding.

I'm trying to form a picture - he used your laptop to access porn sites, including chatrooms, then went off to take a shower leaving the page open.

Deliberately - to see if you'd be interested in it? That would worry me especially as you say it was for couples porn.

It seems odd that he'd be so careless on that occasion but then start being secretive about his phone, although I must admit I'd like to think that if I was in a relationship it would be safe to leave my phone lying around and be sure that nobody would just look through it.

If you're having trouble understanding his behaviour and he's doing something that you do know about that you don't like, and on top of that you think he's behaving suspiciously - you really need to find a way to talk to him.

originally posted by: Midnight13

originally posted by: ImaFungi

originally posted by: Midnight13
I just don't see what's so hard about being faithful! if you can't be in a faithful relationship, don't be in a relationship!

How do you think all the husbands of America ought to have felt after discovering their wives were one of the millions reading and enjoying 50 shades of grey?

What if your boyfriend does not want you to eat cookies because he is jealous that you receive more pleasure from them than him?

What if he does not want you to watch any TV shows because it makes him feel as if you need something more in your life than him?

haha! I'm talking about monogamy here, not cookies and TV.

There's no excuse. maybe because I have aspergers and I value honesty greatly and being faithful...

I just don't get humans sometimes

You still could have answered my questions, to play along.

I was trying to say that, it is possible that too him, to someone addicted to the pleasure/release of sex, that they may see it as someone who really likes cookies.

It is possible that his higher self would prefer to not need to utilize porn.

It is possible that he values his relationship with porn more than he values his relationship with you, only way to find that out would be to give him the ultimatum... but, because it is a sensitive and addictive situation, you will have to sympathize with him (if you truly care about him) and work with him, and not create some biologically unrealistic thing like 'quit using porn in any way by tomorrow or we are through'.

What dont you get about humans, I have in my previous posts explained a lot about humans and your particular situation.

Your boyfriend loves pleasure. Like humans love variety, your boyfriend loves the variety of means at which he may experience his pleasure. Either you will work together in changing this or you wont... balls in your court (pun slightly intended)

a reply to: Greathouse

You hold up your relationship as the perfect relationship.

:-) there are NO perfect relationships, there are just couples willing to adjust within their chosen limits (outlined ahead of commitment)

nd I still stand by trust is the basic principle all solid relationships are found on.

I think we define trust differently, I trust my whole life with my Husband and he trusts me with his.

Btw did you get China, platinum, emeralds or a daylily on your 20th anniversary?

Neither of us have any interest in making dates sacred, we might say heh been 20 years today or tomorrow is your birthday but we have no need of all the trappings.

My daughter-in law would kill if my Son did not send flowers on each and every event day, even from Afghanistan he sent dozens of roses for valentines day lol!

I hate waste, and all of this is silly to me, a kiss and a hug will be sufficient, we give many daily I love yous. I have to laugh at things like Valentines gifts...for what again, oh some supposed saints "day" lol, again something I made sure was on my list
:-)

originally posted by: berenike

originally posted by: Midnight13

originally posted by: berenike
a reply to: Midnight13

I think this is your issue more than his phone. You've got to a serious stage of your relationship where you feel that you should be enough for him, but he's not at that stage with you.

As for the phone, is it possible that he's starting to keep it away from you simply because he's seen you look over his other forms of communication and feels that he'd rather keep his phone private? That would be understandable.

Perhaps you could risk asking him if you could use it to make a call and see his reaction but I think you need to consider very carefully what you want out of your relationship and if he's the man to provide it. And be very honest about whether or not you can provide for all his needs.

He never saw me look through his other communications online.

If he had to keep these live porn chatrooms a secret from me, idk what else he could be hiding.

I'm trying to form a picture - he used your laptop to access porn sites, including chatrooms, then went off to take a shower leaving the page open.

Deliberately - to see if you'd be interested in it? That would worry me especially as you say it was for couples porn.

It seems odd that he'd be so careless on that occasion but then start being secretive about his phone, although I must admit I'd like to think that if I was in a relationship it would be safe to leave my phone lying around and be sure that nobody would just look through it.

If you're having trouble understanding his behaviour and he's doing something that you do know about that you don't like, and on top of that you think he's behaving suspiciously - you really need to find a way to talk to him.

No, he was in the chatrooms the night before. I checked my email that following morning.

I think he was doing it for a while, because sometimes he'd sleep on the couch. (we were renting a room and my couch was in the same room as his bed) I'd here him late at night ...er, you know. I would just shrug it off though. I would ask him, how come you don't sleep in the bed as much? he said "I'm just weird sometimes"

originally posted by: ImaFungi
a reply to: Midnight13

You airing this grievance here is you hiding your suspicions from him yes? As hard as it may be, you could approach it very sensibly, "you know I trust you and you know I wouldnt want to do any actions to make myself appear as and be as a 'bad person or partner', but it is beyond my control to help noticing that more recently you have been taking your phone with you, whereas previously you have not; please put your self in my position, and note that this suspicion of mine is only a natural and evolutionarily advantageous reaction of noting the differences of patterns and behavior in my environment. Because I love and trust you, why would I have any reason to desire you to be hiding something from me, of course my only reason to be concerned would be if one were hiding something that would rationally in relation to our relationship, concern me. I do not desire to be in this state of suspicion, but the actions of the environment have caused it. What must I do to progress away from this state, into the resumption of peace and prosperity? Either your actions are innocent or they are not. Please sympathize with my predicament, surely we ought to have our privacy and our infinite truth of one another. Help me comprehend why I may be suspicious, if there are not other reasons than this?"

How serious is your relationship, are you immature kids or are you getting married any time soon? Also, if you go through with asking him, it would be up to you, or maybe you already have been, to consider your reactions to potential things that he could be hiding, but this might just make you even more crazy. What he might be hiding, there are only so many things. If he is lying how bad of a lie is it, say, he told you he didnt feel like going to a dinner and movie with you because he wasnt feeling well, but instead he snuck out with his friends. Or if he is talking to another girl...can man and woman truly be friends with out any intimacy or potential for intimacy involved? If he is hiding something, but it is relatively innocent, how might you best respond to it.

Ima.. im going to sum up your post for her ok?
Ahem. "boy let me see your phone right now. You changed your habits and i want to see if you are texting someone else behind my back. Its not that I dont trust you but i want to ease my mind. If you love me youll let me hold your phone.

originally posted by: Midnight13
I've been with my BF for a year and a half now. He leaves his facebook page logged in and sometimes his email, so I know he has nothing to hide with that. I'm concerned about his phone though...just recently, he's been keeping his phone with him all the time. When he goes to the bathroom, takes a shower, or whatever, he'll take it with him. He used to not do that. He'd leave his phone right next to me...is this strange?

now let me tell you, he doesn't have a smartphone. just a basic slider phone.

Am I just being paranoid? or is something going on?

Just check the bill FFS's. I have a cell, my wife has a cell and we have a land line. We get two bills, one mobile and one land, and they both have all of our calls itemized on them. Pretty easy to look up numbers on the internet that you don't recognize and then call the ones that turn out to be unfindable or suspicious. I think my wife does that sometimes, as in looks up numbers, but if I wanted to hide an affair (or a short trip to Bermuda for some contracting) she'd never know.

If he's smart, he'd be using a burner phone and drop boxes and forwarding for physical/snail addressing. He'd have his ID listed as another address and have no bills in his real name, 2 or 3 passports and sets of ID. Then, you'd never even have a clue unless you found the burner phone or hard conspicuous evidence. Or if he's real clever, a burner phone with an upgraded ROM/altered firmware, firewalls and a sat-link to run apps like Skype, with zero chance of a trace.

But seriously, if you are really concerned and/or paranoid, the relationship is over, you just don't realize it yet. Good luck and I hope whichever way it works out, you end up more secure and happy.

Cheers - Dave

Or you could get pragmatic about most romance and just acknowledge one can't be all things to one person and sexual attraction ebbs and flows and relationships take work, likely more work than any other human activity, and some people are lazy and porn is both bad and fine, depending...

and as long as an honest level of intimacy is maintained, whatever works... it's levels of behavior you're willing to accept and admitting guys watch porn ... but all do...

or you can ask for an unrealistic level of unnatural cultural, romantic effort that one in twenty might posses... it all depends on honesty with self and expectation... after a few years romanticism tends to get quietly taken out back and shot... unless one is really lucky, that is.

But the fun is finding all that out for yourself... bitterness is sweetly earned.

There's a difference between being paranoid and making a casual observation that raises an eyebrow.
Snooping is shady...unless otherwise indicated.
You can make up your mind to trust someone but if they don't "mind" all trust is gone.
I personally think he's got something to hide...wish I was wrong....when my g/f was on her phone texting all the time, I tried to snoop but to no avail, she was good at keeping me away from it. I asked her about it, she lied. After all, "I" was being paranoid. I eventually found out later. Sickening part about it was I the fact that I bought her the phone AND was paying the bill!

originally posted by: Midnight13
besides...if i ask him, he will just deny it and probably delete his messages and always delete them because I confronted him.

So you can read his mind?

You don't want to 'sound' paranoid, but you are paranoid and so are attempting to present a false face to your 'BF'?

Not going to work.