Utter despair, pure regret, painful shame, and a persistant undertone of self loathing.....

originally posted by: seattlerat
a reply to: agenda51

Your post made me want to retch, taking lives because you are annoyed goes against my grain. I hope you will rethink your position on this planet.

says the member with a giant rat for a pet LOL.

Not sure how I can make you feel better. When you put work and effort into building things only to have some random critters tear it apart you dont really have a lot of options. I gave that bird about a month. Hung up bags of water..chased him away etc. etc. Over and over he came back pecking my windows...tearing up screens. He wanted a piece of me and he got it.

I also have two outdoor cats that a constantly fighting with strays trying to invade. Thats all I will say about that.

Had a black widow infestation a couple years ago. They have also dealt with. Also have taken my fair share copperheads and cottonmouths.

It may sound rough but this is just the way it in out in the country. Invaders come from over and must be dealt with.

I also rip out weeds whenever I can with vicious intensity. I am ruthless I tell yah. You wouldn't want to mess with me LOL. I have a Punisher T-shirt.

Thread continuation...........p/s, I was not bragging about killing a squirrel with a rock two or so posts ago. I has comparing my marksman skills to those of Agenda21..........

Painful Shame;

. Drinking waaaaaay too much, We left off talking about the pain, emotional, and physical, such pain. Pain that is not only afflicting you, your loved ones are not very happy either, you'll be lucky if they're still there.......
.I can't think of anything else at the moment. Either that's a good thing! Or my memory is deteriorating, whiiich is a bad thing.....

A Persistant Undertone Of Self Loathing; (this thread was not intended for only alcohol, alcohol just seems to sneer in whenever there's negativity involved)

.Well, let's first circle back to the booze. If anyone has ever gotten belegerenty drunk and lost control of all judgment and all healthy emotions, chances are you got into some kind of fight. Pray to the lord it wasn't your wife. When you wake up feeling like death, knowing it is 100% your fault and knowing that 0% of the mean things you said were remotely justified, that is when the self loathing will creep up.

No one to blaim but yourself and so sorry for you, time travel is not quite possible, especially not for your hungover broke A$$.


Ok, I never quite reached a grand point, I am tired and have to be to work in exactly 6 hours.

Before I go, here are a couple other things that can bring about those unpleasant emotions....

.antidepressants (I know some people MAY benefit from these, but in my XP antidepressants are a great way to turn your mind into an inescapable hell to which there is no escape, not even sleep.

.Taking benzos regularly. If you have the choice, DO NOT take any benzodiazepine (anti-anxiety) consecutively for days on end. Unless you're lucky no body will tell you Benzo withdrawals the worst of all time, and If stopped suddenly can be fatal. (my guess is no one reading has tried or even knows what those are, but I share just in case.

.My Persistant little but of self loathing sucks, however

I've come a long way in life, I have such an awesome family who I provide for. My work is pretty cool (not totally stressful and ok pay) I can surf, skate and snowboard pretty darn well.

I know any issues I have are just whiney jokes compared to the true hardships inflicting folks abroad.

So I was really just conversating I guess, but hopefully there is something worthwhile in there.....

My main question I suppose is.........................is this the right forum?

Stop trying to run away from what you are. Get yourself a Punisher shirt and accept your inner warrior. Until you admit to yourself your a stone cold killer you will never come full circle.

Just watch Rambo 3. Col. Trautmanm explains it better than I can.

a reply to: GoShredAK

because those are the kind of things I do.

I salute you

originally posted by: agenda51
Stop trying to run away from what you are. Get yourself a Punisher shirt and accept your inner warrior. Until you admit to yourself your a stone cold killer you will never come full circle.

Just watch Rambo 3. Col. Trautmanm explains it better than I can.

Lol, you're cracking me up agenda.

I'm all for realizing my inner warrior, no punisher shirt should be required though lol, around here that shirt won't have much of an impact on the locals. You gotta find something that isn't already being carried by wally mart or Fred Meyers.

I have a sick shirt. It's all black with an Aramaic "N" that looks spraypainted in a blood red. Apparently Daesshes sprayed this on the doors of known Christian families. There choices were convert, pay mad taxes, or die................I think that's inhuman and I'll gladly proclaim my beliefs to there faces.

Here's the kicker! Any one person can tell me all about their religion, and I will listen respectfully, I won't be offended and will have zero desire to change them or harm them.

I'm not religious, but as of right now, during this span of time, Jesus is my best teacher. Why bother on speculating on so many different things that we really can't comprehend fully?


Rambling rambling rambling........hopefully making sense for somebody.....past my bedtime........I hope work doesn't suck tomorrow.......

originally posted by: hutch622
a reply to: boymonkey74

I always find it amusing that if we shoot something pretty we feel bad . BUT if we can eat it

Prairie Chickens. Your argument is invalid

originally posted by: DeadSeraph

originally posted by: hutch622
a reply to: boymonkey74

I always find it amusing that if we shoot something pretty we feel bad . BUT if we can eat it

Prairie Chickens. Your argument is invalid

We call em Stupid Chickens.

Sometimes When you're walking in the woods and you approach within a few feet of a whole bunch of them. Once you startle them and they all take off suddenly and try to fly (presumably no more than 12 ft away), That sudden rush of panicked wings will scare the livin bageebuz right out of you.

a reply to: GoShredAK

My dad and I once went prairie chicken hunting, shot a couple to take home to eat, and then saw one on the road as we were driving home. It stood there and looked at us while we were about to smoke it in our car. We drove right over it, I looked back, and it was still standing in the exact same spot, like nothing ever happened.

With all due respect I don't actually view that decision as much of mistake. It was a profound moment. I discovered a strong caring, a powerful empathy that resides inside me. I'm very proud of it.

If I knew then what I know now, I would get hundreds of targets to share with my family, the only animals we kill are those for food, and those who threaten us. That squirrel would have been home free.

I do my best not to let life get me down, I'm no fan of having pity for myself, rather I count blessings.

Seriousy though? I take life very very seriously. It's my job to live with admirable morals and pass them on the those close to me.

Being the Man is a serious task that if I don't take seriously, every feeble accomplishment and every little positve change I can leave behind will crumble and then, become meaningless.

You can call me positive serious guy........some are way to uptight and some are waaaay to happy-go-lucky....... Not me! I'm comfortably here somewhere near the middle. IMHO of course.

originally posted by: DeadSeraph
a reply to: GoShredAK

My dad and I once went prairie chicken hunting, shot a couple to take home to eat, and then saw one on the road as we were driving home. It stood there and looked at us while we were about to smoke it in our car. We drove right over it, I looked back, and it was still standing in the exact same spot, like nothing ever happened.

Haha! Classic!

That's why we call ours "stupid chickens",

They literally stare at the rock in your hand (I was one with my Cherokee roots as a little one) any they won't freaking move! It must be a fear response or something I guess........funny stuff.

Anyway, I won't, and haven't in a long long time, kill a ptarmigan, even though their brains are virtually non-existent I can't do it. UNLESS I was roughing it AK wilderness style, in which case.........:spirits forgive and protect me, now lord, help me find meat so I may carry on with our journey,,,,,,,,

a reply to: GoShredAK

You are a beautiful and rare spirit, GoShredAK.

For your initial post and for this:

originally posted by: GoShredAK
Here's the kicker! Any one person can tell me all about their religion, and I will listen respectfully, I won't be offended and will have zero desire to change them or harm them.

I can relate in feeling no laughter in regards to target practice directed toward innocence. (Although I do understand hunting for sustenance, and have deep respect for those that give gratitude for the animal's spirit.) I am also really interested in people's beliefs, and I can appreciate their perspective, without feeling it offensive to my own.

As you shared one of my favourites (the wolf story), I thought that you might enjoy this poem in return - I read it a few years ago, and it was describing that which you spoke of, the fully seeing of your true self.

The Guy in the Glass - by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

www.theguyintheglass.com...

originally posted by: MoonBlossom
a reply to: GoShredAK

You are a beautiful and rare spirit, GoShredAK.

For your initial post and for this:

originally posted by: GoShredAK
Here's the kicker! Any one person can tell me all about their religion, and I will listen respectfully, I won't be offended and will have zero desire to change them or harm them.

I can relate in feeling no laughter in regards to target practice directed toward innocence. (Although I do understand hunting for sustenance, and have deep respect for those that give gratitude for the animal's spirit.) I am also really interested in people's beliefs, and I can appreciate their perspective, without feeling it offensive to my own.

As you shared one of my favourites (the wolf story), I thought that you might enjoy this poem in return - I read it a few years ago, and it was describing that which you spoke of, the fully seeing of your true self.

The Guy in the Glass - by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he's with you clear up to the end,
And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum,
And think you're a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you're only a bum
If you can't look him straight in the eye.

You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you've cheated the guy in the glass.

www.theguyintheglass.com...

You MoonBlossom, have made my morning. That was very kind and means the world to me. It's not often someone takes the time to express such kindess towards me. I will take this positive feeling/energy you have gifted me and spread it to others throughout the day.

That Poem is great! A novice poet myself, I can very much appreciete. The part about living for yourself (not in a selfish way) resonates with me.

I learned the hard way, I lost my wife over three years ago, upon looking back and wondering why? I noticed that I put myself and all that I am on the back- burner. Meanwhile I was living, breathing, obsessing over living for her. It got to the point where She was all I thought about, and all this energy I was spending was depleting my own energy and turning me into someone completely different, and weak........I forgot who I was, and basically never looked at a mirror.............

But, give me a year to handle that hardship with no distractions, and slowly but surely I re-evolved into my true self. Within a year I learned positive thinking, helping yourself, maintaining faith, and avoiding bad places, can manifest miracles...........I know because I did all of this, as hard and sad as it was at first, I never gave up.

Guess who came back home!!?? Yes she did

We can't change the past, and we shouldn't shut the door to it. All we can do is use the experiences of the past to help guide ourselves into the future.

If you are stuck reliving the past, or worrying about the future you're not living in the present -- and the present is all we really have.

originally posted by: MystikMushroom
We can't change the past, and we shouldn't shut the door to it. All we can do is use the experiences of the past to help guide ourselves into the future.

If you are stuck reliving the past, or worrying about the future you're not living in the present -- and the present is all we really have.

Excellent bit of wisdom Mystik, thank you!

It's tricky living in the present. The closest I have gotten pure focus on the now is during one of my 3 favorite board sports.

When you're out in decent sized surf, trying to land perfectly on that scary rail, or flying down some advanced mountainous terrain, it seems you become locked in the moment. Any attempt to shift focus generally ends in a pretty rough wipeout.

Worrying about the future reminds me of strong anxiety, which really really really sucks.

People should all have their own custom extreme traveling device so we can all spend more time living in the present, thus becoming happier and more attune to what living life is really about.

a reply to: GoShredAK

No problem, always down to help a fellow 907'er.

Also remember, what you did in the past doesn't mean that's who you are now. Who you are now isn't who you're going to be in the future. All any of us can do is try the best we can to be the best we can in any given moment. Doing one's best is really all we can do.

As long as you're doing your best, you won't have to go through life with as many regrets. Regrets and resentments get you drunk.

the first and last creature i ever killed was a bird which i shot with my air rifle, as a young boy. when i approached the 'prize' it wasn't dead, just grievously injured and flapping pathetically. that broke my heart and taught me a lifelong regard for the value of life, all life. i quite literally wouldn't hurt a fly ever since ( i open a window and let trapped flies go). as to drinking too much. yes i do. often.

a reply to: GoShredAK

I already know I'm crazy, but dang, I also must be a serious minority because I can't think of a single person I've ever met who is taken aback when people can blast animals simply for target practice and a laugh.

Dear person who has taken a step maybe even a rare leap toward the very narrow road congratulations. My wish for you is that baby step one has led to many more as "feeding the wolf" is simply the little baby steps we take in one direction or another. Once we start taking a step while our inner "good wolf" whispers no no, each step becomes easier and quicker.

I learned very young, one reason being many times as a small little child I and my siblings were the squirrel to my Father who actually hunted his children through the dark with his rifle and spotlight when drunk.

I also learned as I watched him "feed" his bad wolf, to watch, listen and try to see all of the things and the why of all things. Why was he hurting us when he clearly loved us, why did people hurt themselves as he clearly was hurting himself?

I lived like you in a wild place and there I watched and I saw the small animals and even the insects willing to give up their lives even though they clearly were terrified, for their Family their homes. I saw even the snakes fight for their lives and show fear wanting to survive!

I married someone like you, he started killing after he started using drugs after he stopped the drugs 25 years ago he feels the pain because his eyes are now open and he sees how the tom Turkeys he killed.... so many, feeding, with their family, and their young are so beautiful and how they have every right to their safety and life that he has! His love has grown and he became a vegetarian many years ago, after he decided I said yes as I always felt horrid at the way we treat other sentient beings.

Don't expect many to understand what you feel only a few have grief for their past mistakes and most feel they have a right to take whatever they wish in this world and that is why our world is not what it was or should be, each creature is a part of a mechanism just like parts in a watch we need them all, every part belongs and deserves life, love and freedom.

a reply to: agenda51

Very true, growing up on the internet, as I have since 14 or so - particularly with unmitigated access - does produce some sort of 'learned helplessness' when it comes to actually initiating real physical activities in the world. Unless we migrate all the way into 0s and 1s, this phenomenon isn't necessarily a good thing. It's similar, maybe not as bad, as television addicts, who essentially become just a few steps above catatonic. They may have many ideas of things they would "like" to do - record a mind-blowing album, become a great photographer etc - but the neural connections that are the result of digital instant gratification have short-circuited the more focused and goal-oriented behaviors. That stuff eats away at me all the time. I think one of my forensic psychiatrists said I had "problems with execution" - meaning being able to execute a plan and carrying it out all the way through.

a reply to: GoShredAK

On the bright side, you kept that squirrel from nesting in the insulation of your cabin, destructive little bastards. Plus they aren't exactly rare anywhere in the state that has spruce trees.

a reply to: GoShredAK

When I was 14 and seemed a bit low and anxious, I was introduced to the pharmaceutical merry-go-round. It is still continuing almost 20 years later. A note to anybody pondering taking anti-depressants or psych meds: DON'T! It can be beneficial in small doses for small lengths of time. But as soon as some random doctor decides it isn't working, they make a reckless decision that will effect the rest of your life by taking you off a potent mind-altering drug too fast and automatically starting you on another one that is slightly different. If you are a teen and this is occurring and you can feel your brain burning and body shake as this happens, all it will do is reinforce the idea that you are mentally ill. The doctors will say it is just symptoms of your illness, when in actuality it is all withdrawals AND side effects. Later on when you are a bit older and complain that you feel "detached" another random doctor will do the exact same thing. Fast ween and automatic start-up of yet another drug. This actually goes on for regular citizens as well as more serious mental health issues in people on disability for it.

The danger still remains the disconnection between the ability to actually scientifically verify and measure the brain chemistry itself, such as serotonin, and know exactly what is the drug and what is the illness. It is an enormous problem and destroys lives. Psychiatry is pseudoscience. Any reckless start and re-start of drugs that effect vital brain chemistry, from a very early age, will undoubtedly cause low to mid-level brain damage i.e. "This is your brain, this is your brain on drugs". FRIED!